Disrespect from Mother in Law.

I'm going to pose to you a question I ask my kids when someone is gossiping or saying mean things about them: "What do YOU think? Do you believe that you're the person she says you are?"

I'd venture to guess that you know you aren't. So just let it go. Air your upset to your husband in private, but don't ask him to confront her or fix the problem. Commisserate with him. But know you're not going to change your MIL's way of being. She's been this way since forever...all you can do is maintain emotional boundaries and remind yourself who you're dealing with. Let it slide right off your back, because you know what kind of marriage relationship you and your husband has.

Merry Christmas!

You have had a long and happy marriage. You have raised 4 great kids. You have been together through thick and thin, and are very very happy. You have a nice home, and successful business, and a happy family. WHO CARES WHAT SHE THINKS! She is probably jealous that maybe she never had it together as much as you all. Try to put what she said out of your mind, because really it doesn't matter. Read the beginning of my response. THAT is what matters. Hope you have a Merry Christmas! ps, I have always had a MIL that is crazy acting too, and I have learned from my own advice. Really, don't let her take up space in your head. Not worth it.

Sounds like you've got a nice life, happy home and stable marriage. Who cares what your MIL says or thinks. YOU know she's wrong. Your husband knows she's wrong. Chances are, the people she's bitching to ALSO know she's wrong. You don't need to justify anything to anyone. Continue living your life - it sounds really nice. You know that saying "Living well is the best revenge."? Just do that. Keep living well.

Look - you are not responsible for your MIL's happiness or lack thereof.
If she's determined to be miserable - she's certainly succeeding beyond her wildest dreams.
Some people are just not happy unless they have something to complain about - they will CREATE things about which to complain.
In a sense - your husband and you are fulfilling an important role in her life - she's talking/kvetching about you all the time!

You can't change her, but you CAN change your outlook.
See her behavior as a sort of compliment.
Rather than get upset with her antics, raise a glass and toast the old biddy (not when she's present) - and then put her our of your minds.
If she really gets nasty - smile! - and remember you're going to out live her.

You can't fix judgmental people. Let it go.

The very best thing you can do is IGNORE HER.

I know that's hard. But the truth is, she only cares about herself. She does not really care about him. He is only an extension of HER in her eyes. That's why she talks like this about him to her friends.

Once you REALLY understand that, it's easier to let go of what she says about you.

I hope that you can put her out of your mind. Confronting her won't do any good. She will believe nothing that either of you say. The best thing that both of you can do is enjoy your lives and not let her into your heads.

You need to remember the source. She sounds bitter and narrow minded. Her son is a big boy and can choose to marry, have children, change jobs, etc. It's not your problem or fault that he chose to change his priorities because he decided he wanted to *gasp!* have family take priority over money. She sounds superficial and sad.

If he won't talk to her and she didn't say it to you directly, I would ignore her. If she does say something to you, you can say, "I'm sorry you feel that way, but your son disagrees." And then move on to another topic/tell her that the topic is closed.

My mom and dad have been married for 38 years. They have 5 kids and 5 grandkids. My dad has worked the same job for 40 years, my mother has stayed at home with us until the last one was in school and she has worked for the past 19 years.
My grandmother (my dad's mom) says the EXACT same thing about my mom.
That my dad could have done better. She'll even say, "I guess it's too late for a divorce since you had all those kids" to my dad!
My mom used to be so angry and upset by it, and I still think it hurts her a bit...but their marriage is strong. They love each other. And my grandmother has NOTHING to do with their relationship.
I know it's hard...but you need to ignore her. She doesn't know what the hell she's talking about.
L.

His mom, his conversation to have.

Some parents just suck. They just do. Same with In-Laws.

You know who you are and how your marriage is. Best to roll your eyes and move on.

And don't use the word "confront". He just needs to ask her to respect his family and let her know that she is hurting him. That's not confronting, it's asking her not to hurt him.

Sounds like you have a really good life- happy marriage, 4 great kids, nice home, good jobs. Let your MIL's comments go, or just stand up to her and let her know that she's out of line. It's her not you, which I think you already know. Also, don't put your own career as a pediatric nurse down because she thinks it's not "elite" enough. A friend of mine's husband left his job for National Geographic for the same reasons, he was away from his family too much.

These are her insecurities being projected onto her son and then onto you. Don't let her pain impact your peace. Easier said than done but I would shake it off.

What is your question? If you are a happy and successful, mature wife and mother why do you care what your MIL thinks after all these years?

Some parents are just so limited. A friend's mother died recently, and it turns out all the "kids" had trouble putting together a memorial service because she had been so awful to them through their childhoods. The best years were actually the last 3, when she descended into Alzheimer's and eventually couldn't even speak.

Your MIL has been cultivating these feelings of inadequacy for decades. You've known about them for quite a while too. Your husband isn't willing to confront her because a) he grew up like this, never meeting her expectations and b) he knows it's not going to change her one bit. Apparently no one she said this to directly had any willingness to step up and say anything either. It could be that they were shocked, or that they feel the way your husband does - they don't believe her, and they don't think there's any point in causing a stir in your house.

You know the truth about your marriage, and the fact is, pretty much everyone around you (at least those who matter) know the truth too. So her words don't have any sway or power over anyone else. I agree it's so hard to hear them - and I do think you can draw a line when it's done in your own home. You have 2 choices: angry or dismissively humorous. My approach, at least the first time, would be humor. "Gee, Ma, after 25 years of a happy marriage that gave you 4 terrific grandchildren, I would think you'd be a little more accepting of this!" Angry (and sarcastic) could be more like, "Well, some people don't turn out so well - it depends a lot on the parenting they received. But we let you in our home anyway, even though you think so little of me. Because I'm the bigger person." But what's it going to accomplish? I think it's best to make a joke and then give your kids a wink (that your MIL sees), as if to say, "There goes Grandma again, off on one of her rants." But I do think there's something that your husband ought to do if she says stuff in front of your children - because he needs to show them how a woman should be treated and how married people should be supporting each other. I think it's a lesson for THEM in learning to stand up to ridicule, but not so much with the goal of changing Grandma's behavior. Does that makes sense? Women can also stand up for themselves, and should - but that can mean simply showing that you are strong, and that you are compassionate towards bitter unhappy cruel people without actually accepting their criticism.

If you don't give her words power, then they have less of an effect on you. You've made it all these years without her approval, and she is ill-mannered enough to disrespect you in your own home. So is this someone whose opinion you really value? No one can make you feel inferior without your permission.

I get that she's annoying and small. But you've made it all these years with a successful family. Given that your husband (in her view) makes such poor choices, it actually says a lot about YOU that you've managed to contribute so much to his success!

I wonder if she had a career in mind but buckled to family and society pressure to marry and have a family. If she is my age, I graduated high school in 1973, women of our time were still being encouraged to marry and not have a career. Careers for women were limited. We had nursing, teaching, secretarial, retail etc. Yes, there were women doctors, lawyers and other professionals but not many. Women who worked in the trades such as truck driving, construction, etc were looked down upon often thought about as either dykes or sluts. (sorry for the language not mine but an example of the times)
Even today I see people who say 'it's a good job, take it' or 'I make good money even if I hate my job'. My parents were in high school during the depression and newlyweds during WWII, many people from their generation are more career driven than family driven -- make money -- make money -- make money. Family will undertand. It's okay not to go to kids events because you need to work, the kids understand. My mom considered a man a good man if he provided well, if he neglected his family well he worked hard and that was more important.
No balance in life. Now my kids generation understands yes I need a good job but I also need to be a parent. I need to make the games and concerts and other events for my kids.
Then there are the mom's who want to keep their kids their kids and can't undertand the need to marry and have a family. I think they are nutty but that's just me.
But you and hubby need to take her aside and tell her to accept your marriage and choices or you won't be seeing her again.

Do you have a question?

Not everyone is going to be happy, no matter how perfect the circumstances may be. Your mother in law sounds as though she's the type to find the dark side to every picture.

So are you going to let that one small personality issue spoil the fact that you're happily married, with healthy children, a home, and most of all, that your life is filled with joy?

Go ahead, then. Let the fact that one person doesn't like you or support your choices or understand your lifestyle or appreciate you ruin your life. You can ruminate on this, regret it, resent it, and let that root of bitterness begin to grow in your heart until it takes over.

Or, you can simply say "how sad it must be to have so many blessings and yet surround yourself with disappointment and regret". You can decide to share your joy and blessings and gratitude with your mother in law. Your husband probably realizes that after a long marriage, 4 children, and a lifetime together, speaking up is not going to change a long-embedded attitude in a person.

Asking your husband to confront his mother, and being upset, is such a waste of your time and energy. That's lowering yourself to her unhappy standards. Instead, focus on smiling at her, bringing her a cup of tea, and making sure that you don't become that person in which one small cloud of disappointment becomes one giant storm of bitterness.

Count your blessings. Name every one you can. You won't have time to worry about one person's complaints. And pray for those who don't have a loving husband at their side this Christmas because he has abandoned his family or he's deployed overseas or he's hospitalized, who are mourning the loss of one of their children, who are homeless, and yes - for those people like your mother in law who can't or won't be thankful for what's right in front of their eyes. You or your husband are not going to talk her into an attitude change with a confrontation. You may never experience her appreciation or respect. That's not your problem. Instead, demonstrate thankfulness and and appreciation and love to everyone around you. You've let this resentment and regret stew inside you since you were in your teens. That's sad. Let thankfulness grow in its place this year. Teach your children how to deal with life when that one person just will never approve of them, no matter what.

the best way to take care of this? Be the best W. you can be...be happy and don't let her get to you. Yes, it was hurtful, but she's got problems that you can't fix.

Do your best to add to your husband's happiness and support him in his endeavors. Be the best mom and encourage your children to be the best they can be.

Do NOT allow her negativity to affect your life. If that means limiting time with her? So be it. Otherwise. BE HAPPY!!! You aren't her!! Should **THAT** make you smile enough???

Is she still with your husband's dad?

She sounds like nobody is ever good enough for her.

Sorry he needs to man up and set the record straight with his mother and tell her that if she can't let go of this false idea she's carrying around, she's no longer welcome in your home. When she's will to accept reality and appreciate and respect you, welcome back!

I think that I would have confronted her then and there when I overheard her saying those things in MY house. I don't care who you are...you do not get to come into my house and disrespect me. I would have told her that I am very sorry that she felt that way towards me, however, you and her son have managed to raise a beautiful family and have careers that have enabled having a home and paying the bills. Assuming that you do not go running to her asking for money, your life choices are simply not her business and subject for debate.

She needs to get a life.

It makes me a little crazy, too, when parents project their own issues on to their kids. Maybe she's sorry about some of the choices she made in life.

I've finally gotten to the point where I realize that some parents or in-laws don't always have your interest at heart. It's her issue and let it stay her issue. It has no bearing on the reality of your life as long as you don't let it dent your happiness. She does not define you or him.

Hope that helps!

confronting (or forcing your husband to) is doubtless tempting- we all want to see people like this taken down a peg.
but she's his mom. what good would it ultimately do?
if she's not happy seeing that her boy is happy, you're not going to shame her into it. pity her, and go on enjoying your happy life.
khairete
S.