A little about my mom - will try to keep it short as possible. My mom has been through a lot. My dad is gay and he lived w/us until I was 12 and then he moved to Austin. He didn't want to raise his family in Austin, so he is the only one that moved. He never told my mom that he was gay and he won't admit it. He just says he is on the fence and doesn't like girls or boys, but yet he chose a guy to live w/instead of his family. He is still living w/the same guy and it has been over 25 years. He finally divorced my mom 9 years ago. While he has had a great life, mom is still suffering. She accepts gays, but not what my dad did to her. She holds a grudge and is a very negative person. My sister is 34 and she has always been in her business and concerned about who she dates and what she is doing. She has tried to control me, but I don't listen to her or I'm not affected by it. I do as I please. My sister allows my mom to tell her what to do. My mom is always telling my sister faults about the guys she dates and whether she thinks they are gay or what is wrong w/them. My sister has dated this one guy over a year now and lived w/him and my mom just won't stay out of her business. My sister and I agree that mom needs counseling or something to help her move on and forgive my dad and leave my sister alone to make her own decisions. I've told my mom countless times that my sister needs to make her own mistakes and learn from them. She isn't going to listen to my mom. I just need to know how I can help my mom w/o making her upset. She is very easy to cry and get upset b/c she has always been around my sister and doing things for her and making decisions for her. I'd like my mom to meet men and travel and not worry about my sister and just have fun w/her life since my dad messed it up for her to enjoy long ago.
Thanks for any advice!
Thanks for all the advice.
My sister has told mom that she needs to see a counselor. She is not willing. She doesn't see herself as having a problem. She thinks everyone else including my dad needs to tell her they're sorry. I just listen to what she says and I am always stuck in the middle of mom said, dad said and sister said. I'm just tired of being the middle man. When things to get better between mom and sis then I'm the bad guy. My husband is just tired of seeing me down and depressed over their issues. This will soon pass and then they'll be a next time - drama drama.
Also I would be more than willing to go to counseling w/my mom and sis or just mom, but I live 10 hours away from her. My sister just recently moved 3 hours from her.
Maybe find a few hobby or travel groups that meetup and and do one or two with her to get her into them and then she will reconnect, make friends, and start living?
I talk with my bio mother about superficial issues, stay away from topics that involve my siblings and allow her to vent when needed without being judgmental. This attitude has helped us with our relationship tremendously. Your sister has to make the same CHOICE you have, to ignore it and move on. If your sister can’t do this then the cycle will continue, no matter if your mother CHOOSES to see a counselor, it takes two.
You create your own happiness; while this is an obvious huge bump in the road, that road does go on. Counseling is not going to help your mom until she's ready to accept that help. On the other hand, hearing it from you and your sister may seem to do nothing, whereas hearing it from an outside 3rd party might open her eyes a bit.
How do YOU feel about it? What about your sister? What if you and your sister took the first steps in seeing a therapist, think your mom would jump on board?
Sorry to hear your going through this, sounds like your dad is fighting his own inner demons and probably thinks he's protecting your mom, you, and your sister by stepping out of the equation (no, that doesn't make sense right now, but it might in the future). Not saying it was the right thing to do, but that's probably where he's coming from in some way.
I truly hope that one day the 4 of you can come to terms with this and make this new family dynamic work. It took a lot for your dad to do what he did, most of all admitting to himself that he's gay; it's hard living a lie. I know lots of gay people who thought their families and friends would be ashamed of them, so they lied to themselves, got married, started a family... that's no way to live. In some way it's admirable that your dad is now slowly coming out of the closet and being true to himself.
Best wishes!
You want to 'help your Mom without making her upset'.
Well - she is upset.
She's been upset since you were 12.
You didn't cause it, but you can't be going around walking on eggshells around her - it does nothing to alter her state of upsetted-ness.
Crying can be very cathartic if she ever gets to a point where she's cried herself out.
Your Mom and sister need to realize they are separate people.
Would your Mom have felt any better had your Dad left her for another woman?
Regardless the reason - he left her - it happens.
She feels betrayed.
She isn't the first woman it's ever happened to and she won't be the last.
She's holding everyone around her in comparison to her ex.
She's in a rut - a DEEP rut, and getting out of it is going to take a lot of work and effort - and it just won't happen unless she really wants to - she has to do it herself.
Your sister should tell your Mom (with regard to her boyfriend) "He's not Dad. He may not be perfect, but then no one is. I'm really sorry you were hurt but if you want to wallow in self pity for the rest of your life - you are going to have to do it on your own. I've got to live my own life.".
You can also tell your Mom "I never majored in psychology - I'm not qualified to handle your problems - but talking through them with someone who is qualified might help you move from this place you've been stuck in for years."
If/when the weeping/wailing/gnashing of teeth ever ends, (your sister and you) have some firm boundaries in place.
However - be prepared - she might choose to remain exactly where she is.
It's her choice.
Accept what ever she chooses and then let it go.
Does your mother want help? Does she want to change?
It sounds as if your mother is not only trapped in the past and bitter about what has happened, but also wanting to hang on the the family she has left (you and your sister).
I'm sorry to say that your sister will need to learn to make her own decisions even with Mama around. Perhaps she (your sis) needs a counselor to help her learn to do it. She may have the sort of personality that wants to make or keep other people happy, and, although the world is better for such personalities, sometimes it can go overboard.
You may need to see a counselor (the same one?) to learn how to approach your mom. This is tricky stuff. It takes more learning than one can get from a web site.
Wow...doesn't sound like what your Dad did to your Mom was easily forgivable. No wonder she is bitter. She was thrust into a situation in which she went to being a single parent without any say in the matter. That being said...there is nothing that she could have done about this situation. If Dad is gay, nothing she could have done or said would have changed that fact. For her own sanity, she has to accept that it was a crappy situation and try to move on. However, she has to be the one to do that....you really can't do it for her.
Your sister has to get some tough love here and tell your Mom to but out of her personal business. You Mom is projecting her own relationship problems onto your sister. Not fair. Doing this WILL hurt your Mom's feelings and make her cry... However, continuing in this manner is not a viable option for anyone either.
Step back.
Re-read what you've written.
Obviously, your mom needs some counseling in order to move forward and she needs to butt out of your sister's life.
HOWEVER you cannot make that happen. It's up to her.
Lots of women get stuck in the "he done me wrong" bitter post-divorce mindset. It only hurts them. While everyone moves on.
All you can do is decide the best way to react to your mom's actions, words, etc.
And your sister can only do the same.
IF your sister allows this interference, then it will continue. That's up to her.
You say that your mom doesn't have that type of control over you. That's great. Now you need to decide what your relationship with your mom and sister will be if things continue as they are...
Just remember, be very clear about expressing your expectations to your mom. If she ignores that, that will determine your reaction.
You have to be honest and tell her that she needs to see someone to help her and tell her you are going to cut her off until she does this since it is effecting your family dynamic and show her how it is effecting your sister and yourself. I would come into this conversation with a few options in mind. I will suggest to have the names of a hypnotherepist and a regular therepist that accept her insurance and go from there.
