How to Cope with My Husband's Bad Temper?

www.youarenotcrazy.com

As someone who has been there, let me tell you: The sooner you get out, the better. Your son won't even remember the divorce, and you'll be a much happier mommy.

Your cannot fix your husband. There's nothing you can do, no matter how much weight you lose, how good you cook, how often you are intimate with him, how well you clean the house, or how much money you make or don't....the problem isn't you, it's him.

I left my ex-husband in 2005 and it was the smartest move I could have ever made for myself and my kids. My family lived halfway across the country and my ex had alienated me from my entire support system.

I moved away from my ex and got a better job. There wasn't a dang thing he could do or say to me about it. He hasn't called, emailled, spoken to me or the kids for almost 8 years now....what a real winner of a father, huh?

I married the love of my life last year. I finally learned what a healthy relationship looks like and am living it. I've never been happier! Get out of the mess you're in, honey, get some counseling and learn what healthy really looks like. Please.

Get your ducks in a row, tell him that if he doesn't get some help with anger management, you are going to leave.

I left my ex husband at thirty. Short story-- I could do no right and he could do no wrong. When we went to counseling, it was so that he could 'learn how to deal with' me.

The purpose in this life is your son. He is what you need to keep in your minds eye when you make your decisions. Chances are, if your husband belittles you, yells at you-- throws things at you, he's going to continue this with your child. You know better, K.. You know you need to protect him. I say this as a mom who sometimes gets a hot temper myself-- I know when to say "I need a break", I know when I need to walk away for a minute. Your husband's temper is what we'd consider a VIOLENT temper.

Check into your options. Women's shelters, if need be. Talk to your family about helping you if possible. Talk to a lawyer and make a plan.

I cannot in good conscience tell you to stay any more than temporarily, until you have a good exit plan. What I can tell you is that your assertion that "I can't put my child through a difficult divorce" is not reason enough to stay, knowing that there is great potential for your little boy to be abused as well. You don't 'put your kids through' the divorce in as much as you act emotionally mature and don't involve your child in any of the conversations about the divorce, other than actively listening. He WILL adjust. I would actually say that divorcing while he is young will be better because it will be less of an adjustment; his long-term memory isn't fully developed and young children do adapt more easily to these sorts of changes than kids who are already emotionally beaten down at 6 or 8 or 10.

I can't fathom why you wouldn't want a divorce. If I were in your position, I don't think I could see any other option. AND after I divorced, I did meet and eventually marry a wonderful man; we've been together for 12 years and have a six year old son. I would have missed out on so much love and goodness in my life-- a LOT of happiness-- if I'd stayed with my ex out of fear. I wouldn't have this peace if I hadn't done a LOT of work on my own self in counseling.Everyone else is suggesting it-- for a good reason. You don't want to make the same mistakes again...

You need counseling and he needs therapy. If he refuses to go? Go for yourself.

if he refuses, this is where I would draw the line and say divorce. You and your child deserve better than this.

While people 'change' over time, I'm not the same person my husband met 26 years ago....most don't change when it comes to things like their core being, anger, etc. it takes a lot to help that person change. If they aren't going to admit they need help, they won't change.

I'd rather be old and lonely than live with a person like that.

He isn't going to change. If you're not willing to leave, then prepare to live like this for the foreseeable future. And be prepared for your son to treat women the same way when he's grown.

You should not try to "cope" with an abusive marriage, and you can not personally fix his issues.

Since he does not see a problem and won't go to therapy, your marriage can not be saved. Start making plans - quietly, carefully - and see a lawyer.

Read this and see how you identify:
http://www.safehavenshelter.org/what-keeps-women-in-abusi...

Read this for a checklist of steps:
An Exit Action Plan: Guidelines for Leaving an Abusive Relationship
http://www.drphil.com/articles/article/543

There is a place specifically in Columbus, OH that you can turn to for help: http://adamhfranklin.org/wp-content/uploads/2012/11/abusi...

You can't be. If he doesn't see his part of this problem, then nothing will change. YOU need to save your life AND the life of your child. Do it for your child - I know my sister's son, now 30, still has issues because she stayed with an emotionally abusive spouse till he was grown. We don't know how the dad treated his son while mom was at work, but it wasn't nice I'm sure. Staying to "save" the marriage scarred her child, and she regrets it to this day, 15 years later.

You're only 30, and he's been working on you to make you stay so he can screw you up and get his way. I didn't even get married until I was 30. Don't let that fear mess up your life - if you stay with him, you WILL be alone - you're alone now, you just are living with someone who is abusing you and your child.

Please contact a woman's shelter to get help to put a plan together. Call them from your work during your lunch. You don't need him to provide for you. You don't need a man. You need yourself and your child to be safe. If you can't do it for yourself, do it for your child and your child's future - because your fear of leaving will hurt your child for years if you stay with this abusive man, and there is nothing to stop him from hurting your child someday. DO NOT WAIT FOR THAT DAY. He's already physical with you.

How can you be happy in your marriage? you can't. Unless you accept the way he is treating you and continue to allow it.

Let me ask you these questions....
is THIS how you want your son treat a W.?
is THIS how you want to use as an example of marriage?

If the answer to those questions is NO...then you need to leave. Christmas or not - leave. He won't change. He doesn't believe he's done anything wrong nor doing anything wrong - so he won't go to counseling....if he doesn't feel he's wrong...he won't change.

Your child will be much better off being with a single mom than a horrible marriage.

Do NOT be afraid to be alone.
DO NOT be afraid to old.

I don't read ahead - but I know plenty of women on here have probably already told you - Get counseling for yourself. Get strong. Leave. You deserve better. Your son deserves better.

What a sad and repetitive story seen often on this site! Your sentence, "we fought a lot but loved each other" is key you had a problem from the "get-go". Loving someone does not necessarily mean you should be together and certainly if you are fighting that is a huge red flag things are not going to go well, EVER!

You are being bullied and verbally abused by this control freak and you are ALLOWING it to happen. Pull yourself out of this no matter what it takes and GET OUT!! This environment will have permanent damaging effects on your child, far more than any divorce. Children emulate and perceive what they see as "normal behavior", this is not normal behavior, it is "sick". Staying in this situation will only further damage your self esteem. YOU cannot fix someone who doesn't want to be fixed.

Trust me, from past experience, a bad marriage is NOT better than NO marriage. Being alone will only be temporary once you get yourself past all this drama and get yourself in the right place. Safety is of utmost importance and you need to give yourself two years to adjust and "heal" your psyche before getting into another serious relationship. Get that fear out of your head of "being old and lonely", and so what, that would be better than young and dead. I know that sounds harsh and drastic, but staying with this guy is like waiting for a time bomb to go off, you are treading in dangerous territory, staying in this relationship.

That being said, you will always have a relationship, since he is your child's father, but once you separate, your relationship could take on a completely different dynamic and you BOTH could realize you are not good together. Down the road, you could be friends, actually. It happens.

You said you don't have many friends, change your life and you will grow and have friends. Not saying it will be easy, but in the long run, you will be stronger and happier for it.

You are really, really young. REALLY young. EXTREMELY young. Stop with the "I'm old at 30" thing. Your husband is using that to control you.

You need to force your husband to make some major changes. You have to be strong. He is a major jerk.

Sometimes you have to leave husbands in order to force them to make important changes. Do you have any family you can move in with? Or friends? Or a shelter, as suggested below.

I think you need to leave your husband for a while, and tell him you will return when he makes some changes. I know it's hard on your son, but it will be harder on your son if his mom and dad fight and have a terrible relationship his whole life, and he watches his dad berate and belittle his mother.

Please force your husband to change. Good luck!

Please remove your self and son from your home. He is being abusuve and soon your son will really understand what's going on.

And 30 is young!!!! I got married a month before 30!!! Don't listen to him. Pick yourself up, get a therapist and a lawyer and leave him.

You say, "I am afraid of being old and lonely!". If things keep going this way, in 10 years you'll be looking at 40 and lonely in an unhappy marriage, still suffering. If you make a change, in 10 years you'll still be looking at 40 but with a greater possibility of happiness.

Get counseling for yourself. You may think you've defeated your depression but it doesn't sound like it to me. Find a professional to talk this through with, try &, with that person's help, make some changes inside your marriage. If that doesn't work, let him go. You are showing your son how to treat people (especially women) by allowing this.

Big hug, mama. Find yourself a counselor.

Sorry but there is no way to learn to be happy in this marriage. You are living with an abuser and he will make sure you are not happy. What can you do? Well leaving this marriage is the only way you have to get on with your life and be happy yet you say you do not want a divorce. So you are stuck until you get to the point of looking out for yourself (and your child).

Note: it is the intention of abusers to destroy your self esteem so you do not see any other options besides putting up with them. This is indeed what has happened with you. Call a women's shelter, they are experienced with helping women regain their lives.

Your husband is abusive, emotionally and physically. If he will not seek help then he will not change. You say you don't want a divorce because of your son, but what kind of man do you want you son to grow up to be? Do you want him to be verbally and physically abusive to his own wife? If that is what he grows up seeing he will think that is normal and will model that behavior. Get a lawyer, find out your rights and what you need to do to protect yourself, and then move out. Since he is abusive I would talk to a counselor at your local domestic violence shelter for ideas on how to stay safe once you have everything set up and are able to leave.

The things he says to you about being old and no one wanting you are just his way to keep you down and under his control, but they are not true, there are plenty of good men, better men, out there. But first you need to focus on yourself and your child, and learning how to be happy on your own. As you get older you will realize that 30 is just a stepping stone, and as a woman reaching 40 I can assure you that things actually get better and better as you age, as long as you don't allow someone like him to hold you down! A real man and a real partner works to lift you up.

This is why people often get divorced at this stage/age. They got with someone at a very young age and got locked in to certain behaviors that they realized later would not work well long term. They grew up and experienced life and couldn't let things stay "as is" at home.

That jealous temper was probably kinda cute when you were young. You thought that it meant that he really loved you.

You will need to seek counseling in order to shift the dynamic in your relationship to something healthy.

I love your title of "how to cope with husband's bad temper"? You get out and live your life by yourself with your son. You make a list of the things you want in life and put a plan in action as to how to get them.

No man is worth trying to cope with him when he blatantly abuses you verbally and now physically (throwing things at you). You are not a piece of property "to do as I say" regardless of what it is.

Get yourself in to counseling. Make an exit plan. Rent an apartment in your name only. Get a bank account in another bank different that you now have. Take the items that mean the most to you and have a trusted friend hold them or leave them at work if you can.

Then make you way out of this.

The longer you wait the harder it will be. Your thinking is also off. The age of 30 is the beginning of the new adult life. There are so many things for you to learn and you don't know what you don't know until you explore to expand your horizons and outlooks on life.

Hey you are just beginning life. The only person who can make you happy is you. So get yourself in a good spot and things will happen. Find positive people as positive breeds positive results. Never give up hope and reach for the rainbow. You can do it -- just do it. Date when your son is much older. He is your primary concern right now.

Good luck to you.

the other S.

PS I just turned 66 so life is so much better now than it was in my 30s, 40s or 50s.

Please listen to the people on this board! This is not a normal situation!
I have my best friend going through a very bitter divorce right now and she so wishes she would have done it sooner instead of waiting "for the kids to be older". Her girls are now 13 and 10 and are having to see and hear more than they should at their age. They should be looking forward to sleepovers and cheerleading competitions, not their father emotionally and financially raking their mom over the coals.
Just remember: "when you are walking through hell, you have to keep on walking".
Good Luck to you! You and your son deserve better.

Men generally don't change. After marriage or otherwise.
IME, women grow, change, adapt, especially after motherhood.
What you once found attractive about him is now being seen in a clearer light.
I'm sorry, your husband is an abusive man.
He's jealous, insecure and controlling.
I heard stories of the same things from a close relative ("get a job! Who will hire you?") for years. But he never pushed, shoved, etc.
Guess what? She left him, got her own place, and is employed FT and much happier.
Thing is, she waited til her "baby" was 18.
Do you want to wait 16 more years?
If he won't get marriage counseling immediately, leave.
I'm sorry.

I have a bad temper. This isn't just a bad temper. Sorry but this is just mean. In a way I'm so lucky I had my heart broken in my 20's and got married later bc I was forced to be fine on my own. It gave me a strength you haven't had time to develop but you still can. See a councelor yourself. Don't let him bully you bc that's what he's doing. 30 is so young!! I wasn't even married and I look back and laugh that i thought I was "getting old!" Women have kids into their 40's now. Join some kind of support group or see a professional. Build up your inner strength so his BS doesn't bother you and he'll see you strong and that will change him more than anything.

I have to agree with the others. My husband has a temper, but he would never say these things to me. You do not want your son growing up thinking that this is ok and how a relationship should be. If your husband is not willing to get help there is nothing you can do to improve this relationship.

The man you are with is an ABUSER and NOT a husband. Your child will treat women the way his father treats you. GET out, GET out, GET out. He doesn't want counselling, so he's not going to start treating you better, it will get worse.

Start a new life with you and your child. You WILL make new friends and if you WANT, you will eventually meet a man who will love and treat you like you deserve to be loved and treated.

The reason you don't have more friends is most likely because no one wants to be around the SOB your are currently married to.

GET out and do it fast. Your little one needs a better roll model....Once you are out, the courts could force your loser husband to take parenting classes and perhaps become a better man.

Do you want your son to end up like him?

Do you really think that a divorce is worse than what you deal with daily?

Don't you think you and your son deserve better than what you get now?

What your son is seeing, day after day, is how he will treat his partner in the future.

Your "husband" is emotionally abusive.

One day, enough will be enough, and you will be able to put your foot down, not take it anymore and leave. Until then, no amount of advice is going to help. You have to be ready to help yourself.
You can try marriage counseling. I personally haven't tried it, but I know a lot of women here have and swear by it. However, I have dated men like this in my past, and in most cases, a leopard doesn't change his spots. I think you knew how he was when you married him. And now you are in an unfortunate spot.
The good news is that, while 30 may seem horrible (it's really still very young), you have gained some life experience and wisdom by this age. How you use that to better yourself and your situation is up to you. You're a mom now and your responsibilities to your son are what's important. Growing up in this type of environment is not healthy. And he is looking to you and your husband to gain his sense of what's normal. I know the last thing you want is to have your son treat a woman the way your husband treats you. Show him it's not right, and that his mom is a strong, capable, and independent woman.
What exactly are you afraid of by being alone? The way to build confidence is to tackle your fears head-on. Otherwise, you are letting your fears (and him) defeat you and define who you are.
I wish you Happy Holidays also! Have a wonderful time with your son!

Don't let a man like that raise your son to be just like him because one day your son will be just like that and hurting another woman. STOP the cycle NOW. If you really are in Columbus, OH here is an organization that can help you http://choicescolumbus.org/blog/ . Love yourself and your son before throwing your love away to a man who obviously doesn't appreciate you. Your son is so young he will never remember the time he lived with his dad and his life will be his normal - you and him and maybe a step dad years down the road but if you don't leave now, and leave when your son is 7,8,9 + then he will know how to have resentment and anger. Right now he is just a baby and loves his mom because he is innocent. There are organizations that will help you leave. You don't need 20 friends. You need a support staff and resources for the two of you to get out of a dangerous relationship. Please visit the link above today!

You are a gorgeous, sexy, kind, young woman! Of course I don't know you...but I imagine you are. 30 is SO young. You are with the wrong person for you in life and you would be so so so much happier and have such an amazing life if you left this man. You can find someone so much better for you one day. You deserve a guy who is your best friend, who supports you, and who builds you up. And a guy who is an amazing role model for your son. You deserve a guy who respects you and would never treat you in such an abusive and cruel way. And you will look back one day are realize, wow, 30 IS so young! Don't be afraid of being alone. Make a list of who you want to be in life and all the things you want to accomplish. See a therapist and work on your self esteem. My advice to you is definitely to leave this man. He is not who you want to spend your life with.

You're teaching your child how to be a man. Is this the person you want him to grow up to be?

You need to tell your husband you're done, that he has to straighten up and be respectful or that you are done. You deserve to be treated better than this and you're allowing him to act like this around you.

The passion that happens during the first part of a relationship often dies down over the years. Ideally, it is replaced by something deeper and more solid. So don't worry about that part of it.

Don't give up. Don't quit. Do get some counseling. It's good for you to go by yourself. You can use it, because you want to know how to be a better wife and mother. That involves learning how worthwhile you are.

Your husband may also have self-esteem problems, but that is no excuse for him to bully you (which is what he is doing, going by your words). However, you can't change him; you can change you. I'm not telling you to divorce him - just to find out more about yourself and to protect your son. Don't hope to get his approval for this. Don't even talk to him about getting counseling. Just get it.

K. S. your husband is a mirror image of my exhusband. Key word here "ex". We argued all the time. He belittled me and verbally abused me all the time. He would give me compliments then turn around and knock me down verbally. He is one who will NEVER accept responsibility for his actions or behavior. Same with my ex. Still till this day he feels he is an angel.

Here is something to ponder....

do you want your son to grow up to become the person your husband is? or do you want your son to grow up respecting woman and others? My ex came from an verbally abusive family (mom and dad). I seen it when i was married how his father treated his mother. It starts there.

Divorce sucks. You won't be alone. You will have your son. Who is your life now. Do what you must to provide a great life with him. Remember expensive cars, elaborate home are just material things...love, security, health and happiness for you and your son are more important.

I did it. I am over joyed that i left. No one deserves to be in an abusive relationship. If he truly loved you, he would not treat you this way!

Start putting your paycheck in an account in your name only. You can also transfer half of any money in joint accounts into that new account. Start loking for a new place to live and MOVE OUT. This will only get worse as the years go by.
Then get into counseling and find out why you have been willing to put up with his bu%%&&it. You do not deserve his treatment of you. YOU ARE SO MUCH BETTER THAN THAT.

It's better to leave now while your son is still this young. In the long run it will be far, far less scarring on him, and he will cope with it and adapt. Just get out.

It sounds like your in a Toxic relationship. There is so much bad in the marriage, yet you find reasons to stay.(i did the same thing) Your still young, why do you let that your 30 get to you. You are only old if you think your old. I refuse to let my age dictate my life. (im over 40)

You don't want a divorce, have you consider that he might want the divorce, that is why he is being so ugly, to you. Sometimes men are mean and ugly b/c they want out of the marriage and they wait for you to divorce them. So they can look like the victim.

Since you don't want a divorce, I suggest you find a counselor , b/c your gonna need someone to talk to for the rest of your life. Your health will go down hill. Take a good look at what will happen to your(health,emotion well being,) if you stay in the marriage.

If you can't bring yourself to leave. Give your self a time limit. For example if my marriage does not improve in 1 year. I will ______ you fill in the blank.(leave,stay,make it work, whatever you decide)

Good luck

I just saw this and have to respond, because you will never be happy in your marriage. As a matter of fact, the only thing that will come of that marriage is a young man (your son) who will think this is the way you are to treat the ones you love. He will start to treat you that way also. I didn't want a divorce either, but I didn't want my boys to think it was ok to behave the way their father did towards me. Trust me being alone is far better than someone who disrepects you and hits you. Your best bet it to find a counselor who you can see, and make arrangements to find other living arrangements. If you could get him into counseling that would be best, but I an not sure that is an option from what you say here. To be honest, 30 was my best year and they have only improved since then. Be fair to yourself, to be mentally, emotionally, and physically healthy is the best you can give your son.

ps - I am remarried with two more boys (4 total) and it is amazing. You won't be alone forever.
Best of luck.

Hunny, your story may be a little different than mine but not to far off. I only have a few friends and my mom and kids as well too. If you ever need to talk/chit chat/cry/brag or just vent please do not feel like a burden. *Hugs* Anytime... 765?716?6192
Be safe. You DESERVE to be happy.