Bonding with My Daughter

You are living the life all working parents live. This is how most do but not many take time to actually play with their kids.

You have to give her consequences for her rudeness. Do not worry that giving her consequences will affect your bonding. It will not. The weird thing about kids is that the more you indulge them, the ruder they are to you.

So figure out a good consequence, and then calmly use it. Try not to get down to her level too much -- for example get into silly arguments -- and try not to be her "friend", despite your young age. Being their "friend" never works. You are her mom.

You sound like a good mom, good luck.

Good advice from both posters below.

You have nothing to feel guilty about. She is surrounded by loving family members all week, she's very lucky. You are working full-time, as many moms and most single moms do, no big deal.

It's not too late to have your daughter respect you, and all kids want parents that they respect. If she is misbehaving or being disrespectful, tell her the consequences. When my 8 year old is misbehaving, I tell her she's going to lose her computer time, dessert, etc, and I have to follow thru or it won't work. I even will set the timer on my phone, e.g. you have to have your shoes and jacket on within 5 mins or no TV.

Don't give in to her out of guilt, don't buy her stuff out of guilt. And be clear that you're not getting back together with her dad and that's just how it is (again nothing to feel guilty about).

All kids sense what issues push our buttons or make us feel guilty, and they use that to try to get what they want (or think they want), even when it's not really in their best interest. I know you feel like you don't have control over her behavior, but you do, you just have to set limits and follow through (and have your dad and sister back you up).

Good luck, you can do it!

I have a daughter.
And all I know is this:
Bonding with my daughter, does not take "activities" or always doing doing doing things, with her and rushing around.
What bonds her to me and me to her is:
CHATTING with her. Letting her express herself to me, without judgment. And if I tell "share" (versus talking at her) with her my thoughts, she really feels close to me.
Just chatting.
About her day, about anything that enters her mind.
THAT, is key.
And she knows, she CAN come to me, with anything on her mind and that she CAN chat/talk with me. About anything.
Being able, to chat... with your Mom, is very important.
And especially for a girl this age.
My daughter is 11.
And are close. Even despite some minor irritations.
And our "relationship" is based, on us. Being able to chat. NOT about what I buy or not or about "things."
It is the inner expression that she has with me, that is what matters.
You are her Mommy.
Not her "buddy."
Tell her that. If you have to.
Your daughter needs to, and has to, learn... that.
You are her Mommy.
Not her buddy.
And that alone, is something to respect.
Even my 7 year old, can observe the differences between his friends and their Moms, per their relationship. Or not.
A Mom and her child, the relationship has to be nurtured.
It is not always just automatic.
YOU... have to, take the lead.
Even if you have to tell her "I am your Mommy.... not some friend."

Even if me and my daughter may get irked at each other, we are close. There is no fear or competition or manipulation. We chat. We bond. We are clear as day to each other and honest. If my daughter gets 'sassy' I CALL her on it. I tell her NO way, you do not do that, to your Mother, you KNOW it is not right...correct yourself...." and she knows. She will apologize. We make up. She is in her heart, a solid good hearted daughter. And she is present, in it all. And me too.

And sometimes, just something simple like holding her hand while we are walking somewhere, is something very bonding between me and my daughter. My daughter, loves that, and feels close to me even just holding my hand or my hugging her. Even if we are walking somewhere at a mall. Simple things.

When your daughter tells you to shut up, you should not put up with it.
You stop her. Correct her. Even if you have to do it 10 times.

I'm so sorry you are feeling guilty. Never parent out of guilt. It's a poor substitute for confidence. The spoiling thing has a lot to do with your guilt and will not go away by continuing your ways. It doesn't do her any good either. Sounds like she has your number (guilt) and holds it over your head to make you give into her demands and smart mouth. It's working for her. Not in the long run but she can't see past this week. You have insight into her relationships if she doesnt change her attitude.

Sometimes the school districts offer parenting classes. Or churches in your area. Look into books and classes and online stuff for the Love and Logic series.

Every child needs to know their parent is in charge. Make a chart of consequences and stick with it. You want her to have good friends? Good boyfriends? A good husband? Make her respectful of you and others around her by taking back your power and self respect. You deserve better.

I think most parents that work experience what you're feeling--like time is rushed, never enough time, they spend more "fun" time with other caregivers, etc.
So I don't think that part has anything to do with the half week custody arrangement since it sounds like it's logistically working for you.
I'm finding my 11 year old getting mouthy at times and I hate it! We usually remove a privilege--having friends over, walking to a friends house to hang or electronics...it kind of hits him where's it hurts.
I think you should keep in mind that weekdays can be a grind and priorities need to be school, work, homework, etc. if you can for in a fun activity on Saturday--great--IF she 'deserves' it.
I think that mouthing off needs to be nipped in the bud.
Decide on a consequence & maybe work with dad to help emforce it consistently. IMO, this is 'buckle down' time.
I feel ya--I'm there too.
Let go of that guilt about not being with her dad.
And I think at 9, she can understand if you tell her it's not likely going to happen and that you & dad are better as friends.

Talk to the teacher about homework options. Teachers give homework according to parents' demands. Let the teacher in on your home demands. See if the homework can be curbed to once a week packets versus nightly work.

You have nothing to feel guilty about. You are working to provide for her, she has a mother and father that love her, and she is cared for by family when you are not around. She has it pretty good. I have two girls(although younger) and I would be horrified if they talked to me like that. My older daughter(only 5) can get very sassy with me but there are consequences like going to your room or getting privileges taken away. I sure as heck wouldn't be giving them money or buying them stuff. I rarely do actually. You are going to have to do some soul searching and figure out what values you want to instill in her. Does she do chores to help? Does she earn an allowance? Does she have to save up for things? Does she have to earn privileges like screen time/computer time? Are there consequences for bad behavior? Does she do anything for others like volunteering at an animal shelter or church? It doesn't matter that you're young you are still her mother she has to respect you and you decide what is best for her. Remember sometimes it gets worst before it gets better but just think about her at 16 if things don't change!

There are a lot of great parenting books out there - I like 123 magic. Treat this like a job and learn techniques, because it is a job. She's us pushing limits because it is her job - I'm 45 and deal with the same issues. The difference is, though, I don't tolerate any back talk or disrespect. There is no way she would answer me that way because she would automatically lose whatever is most important to her. I don't engage in arguments or shouting matches. My voice is calm but firm and my answer is my answer. Period. It helps to spend time with other parents and see what they do. But the key us to stay in control of the situation at all times. And stop casting yourself as the older sister or growing up together, even to yourself. You must remain the mom and in control. That will allow her to bond - the security of knowing you are in charge.

My SIL had her first child, a son, when she was 16. He spent a lot of time with both sets of grandparents while she finished school. I tend to think that at times, he wasn't respectful to her. Some of it may have even come from the grandparents treating her like a child. (Well, she was still a kid!) She became more assertive as a parent once she started working and married the father. I think it was a long transition for her to be an authority figure to her son, but I think she is a wonderful mom.

I think your daughter is testing your boundaries just like any nine-year-old would. My daughter can be like that too. Don't give into the "buy me that" attitude, and don't let her get away with sass talk. If you don't nip it in the bud now, imagine how bad it will be by the time she is a teenager.