Am I Totally Wrong Here??? Please Help!

I don't know about you but something seems a little off to me. Why is he that upset over uninterrupted playtime with her sisters? Sounds more like she is needed to babysit. Homework comes first, period.

Well, ditto to everything everyone else said, and here's the kicker. At 13, she is legally (and emotionally IMHO) old enough to decide whether she even wants to go to her father's or not. Maybe she'd like to drop those Wednesday nights.

Actually sounds to me like he's wants her there for free babysitting.

;)

No school has always came first in my family. then play time. I understand that the father want her to see and spend time with the family, just to me doesn't understand that she needs to get her homework done first, that way she will be able to play more with the family.

Yeah, it does sound like she's baby sitting.
Her school work needs to come first.
Something's not right with this.
You might have to go back to the original agreement if this play date deal is starting to hurt her grades.
Additional:
8th grade is almost high school.
My son's in 6th grade (middle school here) and there can be 30 min homework per subject (4 subjects = 2 hrs). He doesn't get all of them every night, but it does happen once in awhile. An hour and 1/2 for 8th grade is not bad at all. You can expect high school will have more homework.
An 8th grader playing with a kindergartner and a 2nd grader? Even with siblings that live together all the time - the teens tend to not want to play with the younger kids very much.

First you or your daughter ask him if he can just try her regular routine out for one week at his house just to see how it works. Let him know if it doesn't work that you are willing to let him come up with plan B

This is a good opportunity to remind him that your daughter is setting a good example for her little sisters by doing her homework without complaining. Another idea might be that all the girls do homework together at the same time. If the 7 & 5 yr old don't have *real* homework this is a great time to get some workbooks or print stuff off the computer. In fact maybe your daughter could take the girls a present, go to the dollar store & get some workbooks & have her tell the girls "now we all have homework to do".

If your daughter likes the homework routine at your home & would like the same at dads home perhaps she can tell him that she prefers the same at his home. If that doesn't work then I would send him an email stating all the conflicts you mentioned and let him respond via email so if need be you have written proof that he doesn't feel homework is as important so you can propose seeing a court mediator & if necessary go back to the old court order of every other weekend.

BTW you are not wrong

Hope this helps. Good luck.

Maybe he would like to march himself to the school and tell the teachers your daughter has too much homework and it's cutting into play time with her sisters. :)

I mean.....what does he expect YOU to do about it?

My kids are 10 years apart and my son knew to leave his sister alone when she was doing homework or working on a project.
Homework came first, then play and relax time.
Because of being raised that way with her, he knew that was the rule and the routine for him as well when it came to his own homework.

If your ex thinks she has a lot of homework now, just wait until she's in high school next year. It will blow his mind. The younger ones might not have that much homework right now, but your daughter does. They need to live with it. HE needs to live with it.
As a parent, making sure your child has a time and place to do their assignments is all part of it. There have been a million times I'd rather go to dinner or do something else, but if there is a deadline for an assignment, that comes first and you do the fun stuff later.
Playing and bonding with her siblings is important, but your daughter isn't a baby any more and she has responsibilities. He should be proud that she's dedicated to HERSELF and her grades instead of complaining.
That's just my opinion.

Like I said, next time he brings it up, maybe he'd like to tell his views to your daughter's teachers and see how far he gets.
They will think he's a nut.
There's more that goes into co-parenting than just the play stuff. If he can't be supportive of your daughter because of what his other daughters want or need from her, maybe this during the week thing wasn't a good idea.

Best wishes.

I think your daughter is entitled to some uninterrupted homework time after her snack! Absolutely!

His reaction seems odd to me.

At 13 she's able to decide if she wants to go on week days to her father house, I still remember when I was 13 and I can tell you that the last thing I want to do is play with girls younger than me...have you talk to your DD about what are her feelings about this?..
I don't think this is a case court if she's able to tell whats she wants but in case he take you to court , the judge will agree with you,
just last night Obama say we need our kids to love school. LoL (sorry for the comm.)
its seems her father need a babysitter,
I will stop the visits right away...

Too bad for your ex...homework comes first!!! Her sisters have eachother and your daughter needs to be left alone to get her stuff done. At 13 school is too important. If this becomes WWIII then I would look at amending the agreement again.

Wow sounds like he wants a babysitter! Homework should come first. I would cut out the wensday nights at dads. If you have to go to court about it and tell the judge what is going on I am sure the judge would agree with you.

I agree with the others. You are not wrong. School work is part of growing up and part of the parenting process. Sounds like to me, he isn't just wanting her to play with her sisters but be their babysitter. If the younger sisters are busy playing with their bigger sister, the less time they will spend bothering mom and dad. Just a thought. He definitely has his priorities mixed up. I would definitely either insist that he does what you suggested or do it on another day that is typically lite in homework or do it on a Friday like one other mom suggested. Stand your ground mom. Sounds like your ex has some growing up to do of his own.

Did he go to school??? What the heck is he thinking?

Calling and complaining to YOU about how much homework she has doesn't make any sense either! As if you assigned the homework!

I'd tell him to call & talk with her teacher if he really has a problem with the homework. Then the teacher can laugh at him... (I'd warn the teacher about what's going on haha)

That's just crazy. I don't understand how he can't see that school & homework are important? Does he want her to go to college some day?

You are SO not wrong!

Any teacher would say no to the idea of "please don't give her homework on Wednesdays, she has to see her stepsisters and MUST play with them." It's not the teacher's responsibility to make homework adjustments for a situation like this. Would he listen if you and he meet the teacher (after you talk to the teacher in advance!) and the teacher, not you, tells him why your daughter has this homework and why she cannot be the exception?

Will your ex find other reasons she shouldn't do her homework once the little ones are less interested in playing with big sister? His priorities, he would say, are family first, but if these girls are going to know each other all their lives, he is just setting up a precedent for the little girls of "homework doesn't matter, blow it off." Your daughter is at the age when grades really do start to matter, and the mixed message he's giving her is hurtful not only to her but to his own younger kids, no matter how much he denies it.

You don't want to put her in the middle, but this is an issue your daughter knows is affecting her. So is your daughter mature enough, and past that stage of "I have to please daddy," that she could herself say to him, "My homework is a priority for me; I love my kid sisters but will play with them when it's done"? One friend's son really took better charge of his relationship with his let's-have-fun-every-minute dad once the son was about this age; the son was able to say, nicely but firmly and maturely, this is what I need to do, and this activity is a commitment for me, even when I'm with you. If she and you can set that boundary and then if she really gives her full attention to the sisters when she's done with homework, it could help.

One red flag -- if he does this about basic, weekly homework now, what will he do when she has a big project due and needs to get to the library on "his" weeknight? What will he do when she's in some extracurricular activity that requires her to attend something on that night? Will he take her or claim, "Not on your sisters' time?" That 's a recipe for making your daughter resent the little ones -- and him.

First of all, you are not wrong. Your daughter's schooling needs to be first, and your ex is being irresponsible to think otherwise.
I feel like I am missing something though... why can't you have your daughter at her dad's house once a day every weekend instead of during the week? Even Friday nights would be better than Wednesday. That way she could focus on her homework on another weekend day, spend time with her sisters, her dad would be happy and you probably would too?

You cannot ask the school to not assign her homework on Wednesday night because of family visitation and needing time to play. Teachers cannot adjust their lessons to accomodate individual family schedules. Families have to adjust to the assigned school work. 13 is middle school, she probably has 7-8 different teachers. Personally, I'm shocked that her Dad isn't pleased your daughter sets such a good example by getting right to her homework. Why doesn't he encourage the younger girls to do their homework at the same time? Maybe they could all sit at the table together and have "homework time". Really, if your daughter has long term due dates or projects, she should not choose Wed nights to do that work is due further out if she only has that one day to see her siblings. You can ask her that. But Dad has to understand that she WILL have some daily work or a next day test that he has to acknowledge is a priority.

You are 100% right and your ex is 100% wrong. Since he doesn't see the importance in education, he probably doesn't have a college degree, I would imagine. How very sad. Anyway, here is the solution - instead of your ex picking up your daughter after school and taking her to his house, he should pick her up from your house AFTER she is finished with her homework. This way, the moment she arrives, she can play with her half sisters. Plus, she won't have any interruptions/distractions when she's doing her homework at your house. Good luck!

Playing may be more important to the sisters but not to you daughter or her education. The point to the Wednesday visit is time w/ that part of her family BUT she does still have homework/school responsibilities. Can he pick her up from your home after her homework is done? Could she stay after school in the library and complete her homework before her dad picks her up? That could give her uninterupted time to do her homework and still give her time to spend w/ the sisters. Those siblings don't see her all the time so for them it is a treat. The siblings in your house see her every day...no big deal.

Yep he is wrong but you probably will never convince him or change his attitude. Just be glad it is only 1 night a week. Maybe you can help your daughter by suggesting she play that first bit of time and then do some homework as she is now, and then after the younger girls go to bed she can finish up her school work. She will have some peace and quiet and be able to relax knowing she did her "big sister" act too. It did strike me that he is using her as a built in babysitter and is getting his few hours off. You might even run this problem past her teacher and see if there is anyway that night of the week she has a bit less to do. Or arrange for her to attend a "study hall" for an hour after school so she doesn't even have to do any homework at home.

I agree with Kate...switch the weekly day to every Friday and then every other weekend she just stays til Sunday nite (& has 3 days to do homework)! Problem solved...less going back and forth for everyone! Win-win all the way around :)

I don't think you are wrong, per say. And, for the record, I agree with you.

However, you are divorced, at least partially, I am guessing, because you and your ex don't see eye-to-eye on many different things - this being one of them.

You can't expect him to follow the rules you have at your house. Regardless of how much sense they make to you. You don't have control over how he parents her when she is with him. That's a hard nugget to swallow. I feel for you. it stinks - especially when you think you are right.

But don't get stuck in 'right-land'. It's very lonely there.

It IS important that she have play time with her siblings. It's actually VERY important and it's something that I hope you support, even though it doesn't have anything to do with you - it has to do with your daughter's family. Another nugget that is hard to swallow.

It would be nice if dad would step up - but that's not going to happen. Instead - let's solve the problem. Can she do extra homework on days when she isn't with her dad, so that she has that Wednesday night to spend with her sibs? Yes, you get 'stuck' with extra stuff - but you're the mom and that is the lot in life of most moms, I'm afraid.

If he's seeing her one day each week and then every other weekend that's not actually that much time. I mean it's standard visitation, yes.... but in terms of bonding with a family it's pretty sparse. If I only had my daughter that much I wouldn't want her to be doing a book report when she was with me. I would want her to be spending time with me. Now, I'm a mom, so we would do the book report together or whatever..... but mom's are like that.

Just my $0.02

Well -two houses/two different sets of rules. It's fine if they want to keep their "rules" about the homework, but he MUST realize that she has to do it! It's not your fault or her fault about the amount of homework she has. If he doesn't like it, then he needs to take it up with her teachers and her school. If she doesn't do her homework, she'll get bad grades -and then how happy will he be? Stick to your guns, but you have an "out" as the bad guy here -homework is a school rule that will result in poor grades if not done -period. You didn't make the rule and your daughter didn't make the rule. He can decide in his house when and how he wants her to do it, but during the week he's going to have to get over the fact that she has to do it -regardless of what her sisters, he or even she wants to do!

personally i think you need to sit down with him and his wife and have an adult talk about her school and grades and how important they are to you and her and maybe have her there to, to tell them what she wants to do. Homework and school comes first period and if her dad can not see that then maybe talk to the custody lawyer about getting it back to every other weekend and maybe like saturday on the weekends between

I agree with dad, you need to talk to her teachers and tell them she has visitation on Wednesday's and needs to not have any homework on those days. They can't even make plans to go do something fun, like an evening out with a movie or out to eat with as much homework as you are discribing.
Kids 7 and 5 want to play all the time and it is hard on them not getting to see the sister they love so they want to play with her while she's there, not have to leave her alone and be quiet all evening.

I would be raising the roof if my kids had 1 1/2 hour of homework every day, that's just nuts...that is over 10 hours a day of school work for a 13 year old. That is more work than a full time job. SHe should not have that much homework. How sad for her that she is missing the opportunity to be a kid.

I think that when she goes to see her family at her dads that she should be able to participate in family activities not sit at the table doing homework. If she has a test or something going ont hat she really needs to study for then maybe she can study after they go to bed.

I understand where the dad is coming from BUT at 13 homework is important and why are the 7 and 5 not doing their homework? Maybe "play" time after school could be all of them doing their homework together and if the little ones have questions they can ask the "big sister". I have always had the homework after school rule my boys do it together the have a snack and do their homework my oldest 14 helps the youngest 8 he enjoys it most of the time.

First off let me say I think you are right....however...I see Dad's side too.

Since her siblings at her Dad's house are so much younger than your daughter why don't you offer up the idea that the younger kids go to bed at a reasonable time, maybe even a little early, say 8pm and that way big sis has from 8-9:30 to do homework? IDK? Maybe that would be a good compromise?

At my house, it's home, snack, homework, play...in that order...everyday!

It's to bad that Dad can't entertain younger kids for the first hour and let big sis get done with her homework first...

Expecting a 13 year old to even want to "play" with siblings is a bit ridiculous. Great if she does...but making time to play with siblings? Sounds like maybe dad and stepmom need a babysitter, not a step daughter. Maybe your daughter is different...but honestly, the thought of mandatory playtime with children half my age would have driven me BATTY at 13. I can't imagine a 13 year old having ANYTHING in common with a 5 year old...so why would she want to continually play with them? Totally different ages and mindsets...Additionally, if they were full siblings do you really think they would be continually interacting together at that level at those ages? Glad you asked your daughter...studies are way more important than dad foisting his parental responsibilities on a 13 year old!

Maybe dad should spend a little more time worrying about what is best for his firstborn. Seems like she is getting the short end of the stick and making all the sacrifices in the relationship.That is a lot of pressure on top of a 13 years old head. Honestly...her visits should be about what is best for her...not the two small kids whose lives and routines aren't disrupted week after week, month after month, year after year.

It sounds like you and your ex have diferent values where homework is concerned. I would imagine that the 7 and 5 year old sisters would also have homework, right? Why aren't both of the younger sisters doing their homework at the same time as their older sister? If everyone has a consistent homework time, there will be more time for play later. I know that you have tried to explain this to your ex and he is just not getting it.

I think you are absolutely right to establish the homework first policy with your daughter and to encourage her to keep getting good grades. This is her future that we are talking about and now is not the time to start her on a course of procrastination and laziness.

What I would suggest is that if your husband wants to have a weekly visitation date with your daughter, it probably shouldn't be mid-week. Friday or sometime during the weekend, when your daughter has a lot more time to get her homework done, would probably work better.

But, I'm sorry . . . . I'm still trying to figure out when your ex's younger daughters are getting their homework done if they are not doing it at the same time as your daughter. Are they just not doing their homework? The thought that this just maybe the case is very distracting to me . . . Oh, those poor, poor girls!

as hard as this is - i don't think you can control what happens at his house - i think your daughter can ask for uninterrupted homework time - or your ex can come to parent's night at school to see how important her work is - but i think he gets to make the rules while she is at his house.

Just wanted to let you know I am with you on this one. Your ex may or may not agree with the amount of homework she is given (which really sounds actually quite reasonable) but it's not up to him or to you. He really sounds like he is being unrealistic, thinking that your DD should be playing non-stop with the other girls instead of doing her homework. When the younger girls start getting homework of their own that has to be completed, maybe then he will wise up. And if he doesn't like it, he can talk with the teachers and see what they have to say to him.

You are not wrong here but you can't dictate what should take place in his home that's presumptuous of you. Perhaps your daughter should be trying to have this conversation with her father and her sister's. Is this change in agreement in writing through the courts? I ask because if it is not you can go back to the original agreement since this one isn't working out. If it is you would need to go back to the courts and request a change in the visitation order.

In any case you have to try to find some kind of happy medium. Your 13 year old will need to learn how to deal with distractions. She won't always be 13 and may end up in college where there are so many distractions. This is great training ground on many fronts. She should also be learning effective communication skills both with her sisters and with her dad.

Let her try to speak to him and make her wishes clear. This may help on all fronts or you will have to go to court and get it all sorted out.

I agree with those comments that suggest soliciting your daughter for her input. Don't give her autonomy to make the decision, but discuss what she wants and put it in the appropriate context..... Breaking a routine in the middle of the week is tough, perhaps she would prefer three weekends a month with the sisters. Hard for you, but if it's better for her education and family bonding?

I think she is getting way too much homework. There is no evidence that homework has any benefits for kids prior to high school and the evidence for high school is inconclusive. I think talking to her teachers is reasonable but it seems like so many schools and parents are stuck in this homework mind set that I don't know if it would make a difference. For the responder who assumes the ex is uneducated, that is an unfair assumption. Both myself and my husband have doctorates and are strongly opposed to homework.

How about sharing custody more 50:50 - If he had her 3 days one week and 4 the next, she would have enough time with him and her siblings that the homework likely wouldn't be as big an issue.

Wow what kind of father would tell their child not to do their homework?Instead play with the sisters????? He should be a controll freak about her education.I know the sisters miss her but she should not have to jepordize her school work.