Am I a Bad Mother?

relax, you have to do what you have to do, and if you HAVE to work, you definitely have to get those things done when you're home. i'm a sahm, and i feel like thats all i do, clean, clean, clean, but i think it helps them learn to entertain themselves and be independent. as long as you still have time for cuddling and bonding, don't worry about it. one day, if you have more children, you'll realize how "easy" it was with one. I know I thought it was so hard then, and now that I have 3, i think, "GOSH, how easy that must have been", so just enjoy every moment!

Consider babywearing...then when you come home, pop her in the carrier and tend to the house....then you can have closeness and bond while still getting everything ready for the next day. A wrap or an Ergo would probably be great for you. My son loves the closeness and I can still get dinner ready, do laundry and I feel less guilty.

DON'T FEEL GUILTY!!! You have to do what you have to do. The only thing I might suggest is having her in the same room with you when you're doing necessary house chores. She would enjoy watching you move around. It would also help her eye coordination tracking you around the room as you work.

of course you are NOT a bad mother! you are doing the best you can to get it all done. just enjoy your little one when you can and get quality time since you can't do quantity.

It's never a good idea to hold them all the time. I pick them up when they cry. I never liked them crying it out. But, it's good for babies to learn to entertain themselves some. You can't feel guilty for working outside the home. You have things that need to be done and it's ok to leave her where she's safe and you can still see or hear her. My grandmother was a stay at home mom and still had tons to do without the conveniences we have. She would tie them in a high chair or rocker and and let the others rock them. She also set a heavy piece fo furniture on their 'gown tail' where they couldn't get into mischief when she had to hang clothes or go the the outhouse or the well!

You are absolutely not a bad mother!!! I feel the same way with my son who is now almost 1yr. You have to take care of the necessities like cooking dinner and laundry. Don't feel guilty.
p.s. relax!!!!

How can you even consider you are a bad mother!?? You work to provide, and clean to keep your house up and healthy (Germs out) for the family. Sowhat if you put her in a swing. I never saw a handbook that said you must have your child with you 24/7 and never take time for yourself. It is good for her to have that time for herself so she knows mommy can't spend every second with her to entertain her. If you did that, you will never get anything done, and if you are like most of us, a meal does not cook itself and the dishes don't load themselves up, and the laundry doesn't jump in the wash and dryer. You get the point...LOL So, by no means are you a bad mother. Just wait until she is old enough to be placed in a walker, then you fall across the walker because she sneaks up behind you while you are cleaning... those will be the days you ask yourself, am I bad mother when you scare her and yourself after the trip of falling...LOL Find humor in the things around you and know she hears you in the next room and she is fine. Now, get back to the housework (wink wink)

First, of all you are doing the best you can. Second, of all the fact that you are showing concern shows immediately that you are a good mother and care about your child. It is the ones who don't worry or don't show concern that we should be worried about. Have you ever thought about doing something at home? I am 31 years old and I have four boys, two that are eight, one that will turn four this month, and one that is 21 months old. I too with so many feel like I am not spending enough time with each of them, but once again the fact that I keep myself aware of this lets me know I will make sure they are okay. Also, I have been able to work at home which helps quite a lot. If you would like some information, contact me at ###-###-#### or email me at ____@____.com or look at my website www.workathomeunited.com/myfoursons I hope I have helped you feel better, I know how it can be not feeling like a good mommy, but it does get easier I promise.

G.

You're not a bad mother!! All working mothers( and stay at home moms) have to find some balance and that usually means putting the baby in the swing or bouncy seat while you get the laundry done, or while you take a few minutes for yourself. Being a mother isn't easy, and the last thing you need to do is doubt yourself. Good Luck!!

Maybe sometimes while you are handling things, you could have her in her bouncy seat near by & just talk to her or sing to her. Talk to her about how you are cooking & the stove is hot, we like to eat chicken, etc. Sure she's only 3 months old, but hearing any language is good. Then she won't ever feel like she's being ignored or anything. :)

NO, you are not a bad mother. Stop beating yourself up. My kids are all grown and turned out great and I, like yourself, had to work. It was not a choice. I also have a wonderful husband who has always helped as much as he could but was gone a lot working. You are not neglecting her when she is very happy playing. Just continue to love her, do the best you can and she will always remember your love.

T.

Gracious A., do not feel guilty for that at all. I would make sure she's on the floor, not a table or couch, strapped in is good, but on the floor strapped in is best. I don't think that's a problem at all. Heck, if I didn't have a swing I would never have gotten anything done & my husband would have to send out bloodhounds to find us amongst the piles of laundry, and cooking HA, delivery gets old... quickly. So no, do not feel guilty. It doesn't hurt a baby to learn to entertain themselves for a few minutes or even longer from time to time. Often they are comforted by your sounds, you singing to her, talking to her will do wonders. Play pens are wonderful as well for when they become mobile!

And I remember that 1st time mom thing too. And sometimes people, while perhaps well-meaning, are far from it. Don't let them make you feel like a bad mom if she's not the center of your universe every moment of every day!! You're doing a great job!!

As a working mother of two, I understand the quilt. Just remember it is not how much time you spend with your children, but the quality of time that is spent.

I remember the day I returned to work with my oldest child, I cried all the way in to work, but he is a happy healthy well adjusted 5 year old.

Letting your daughter play by herself for short amounts of time is healthy for her. She is learning how to entertain herself. When my daughter was an infant I would strap her in her bouncy or sit her reclined in her high chair next to me while I folded laundry or was working on dinner, that way I could still talk and interact with her. I think you can still have quality time without actually holding your baby, they love to hear your voice and watch you. Don't be so hard on yourself!

You are not a bad mother at all. Sometimes you have to do that to get things done that can't wait.

A., im sorry sweety, but u are so normal, i was a working mom of three, and ive been there done that, no, i see nothing wrong with her hveing her quiet time while u get your chores done, then u know u will make time each night for just her, children get tired like us, they like their quiet time, which this is a great time for her...dont worry sweety, take oneday at a time..you are a good mom, sounds like..hugs..god bless you

A., you are not a bad mom. I'm a first time mom as well and my daughter is 8 months old. I have been very lucky in the fact that I'm able to work from home. I bring my daughter to her grandmother's 4 days a week and when I get home I still have things I need to do. Clothes still need to be washed as do dishes, dinner made, etc. I'm sure as long as your baby is able to see you while doing all of these things she is happy to be near you. Don't worry about it. Maybe save clothes washing to 2 days a week. I used to do laundry on Sundays and Thursdays for other reasons but maybe that will work for you. Maybe when you make dinner, make enough for 2 nights so that you can just reheat the 2nd nite and that will give you more time with your baby. Maybe see if your husband can watch her on a Friday nite for a couple of hours so you can do some cleaning; that way you are free for the weekend to spend with her. It's hard, I know. I go thru the same thing. You and your baby will be fine.

No, you are not a bad mom! You must do what you have to do! Your child will feel all the love you have for her when you do hold her close. Just try to do it as much as you can & talk to her often so that she can hear your voice even if you are busy cleaning etc. It won't be long she will be crawling around with you!

NOO!! You need time to do your duties. But I do think that you should sopend at least 10 minutes with your baby everyday. Reading a story to her even. Its worth ity. Its hard to do it all the time. But try a crock pot recipe in the mornings. I use mine about 4 times a week.!!

Put her in a bouncy chair in the room you are in. Sing to her, talk to her, make silly faces at her while you work. Sing loudly to her as you go in and out of another room. Move her from room to room with you as you get things done. You will still be interacting with her while you are working. It will feel like play time to her. One last thing my mother taught me... "good housekeeping isn't everything." I am not advocating living in a pig pen, but your house doesn't have to look like a picture out of "Southern Living" either. Enjoy your babies while they are little. They will be sassy talking back teenagers way too soon.

NO! YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY NOT A BAD MOTHER. With my first child, now 6 years old, I took four weeks off and went back to my high-stress job working with inner city youth. My newborn went straight into childcare and was in it from 7:30-6 pm daily. Like you, my husband I and met all of her needs.. physical and emotional (not much different at that age) while fitting her into OUR lives. To this day, my daughter is happy, well-adjusted, independent, and remarkably flexible. The way I see it, a child who sees his/her parents working hard and/or passionate about what they do has a good example to follow. And we really made the best of the time we had as a family on weekends and in the evenings. For your sanity, establish some communication techniques with your husband... It sounds crazy, but put EVERYTHING you plan to do in the week (including housework periods), plus who picks up and drops off baby, plus family time and (gasp) date night on calendar that you and your husband "sync" on Sunday nights. Then follow it. The worst thing about double-worker households is, when time is that tight, surprises can spark some serious ill-feelings and fights. Being a parent is stressful enough.

You may even enjoy your time with your daughter MORE since she is not glued to you all day. With my second, I stayed home more, and I will tell you that I prefer to have a job to get me out of the house and to pay for childcare, where my children can have curriculum, peers, and structure. Regardless of what you may have heard... staying at home full time is not for everyone. Enjoy your baby!

Karen

You are definitely NOT a bad mother! I know the guilt you feel. You really can't think about that too much or you'll torture yourself. Children learning to play by themselves sometimes is healthy and good for them. I always tried to spend as much quality time with my children while they were awake (which was only a couple of hours from the time we got home, around 6 p.m., until bed time) and try to take care of the other stuff after they went to bed. Sounds like you already doing this. Remember to take care of yourself though. This is extremely exhausting and can take its toll. Like another mom said it's about the quality of time you spend together. Try not to worry too much...your daughter will be fine as long as she knows you love her. And it sounds like you love her VERY much! And try to stay away from the guilt...you have enough to deal with without adding to it! Good luck!

With both of my daughters I used a babysling until they were a year old. I don't know if you've tried one yet, but they are very easy to use and your hands are completely free to do whatever you need to do. The baby is right there with you, and even though I have back problems, it never caused physical problems. Babies love to ride along with you, strapped close to your heart, and you can talk to them sing to them. There are lots of great babyslings out there-- you could start here: www.babyslings.com
I also like www.peppermint.com

A.,

I can totally relate to how you are feeling because with my first child I too worked outside of the home and I dealt with guilt all the time. My family kept telling me to not feel guilty because everyone has to leave their babies. I had an accident when he was almost 3 and was no longer able to work but I had to have 24 hour care for myself and him because I could not pick him up, feed, bathe him or anything. At that point I would have taken my afternoon lovings any day of the week. When I got preganant with my second child I was again working out of the home but made up my mind that I was not going through that again so I did quit. One year later I was pregnant again and in a financial crunch. I decided to start keeping kids in my home because I knew that my whole entire income would go to a daycare and I have been able to contribute to the family finances all while staying home with my babies. I have been doing this for 4 years now my youngest started kindergarten this year and I began preparing myself for when she started that I could possibly quit the daycare so I began taking a medical transcription course, which might I add I just graduated with Honors, sorry just very proud of myself LOL!! I have not quit the daycare yet because these babies are as much a part of my life as my own but I am trusting in God that when the time is right he will show me. I also have a hairbow business on the side that I began as a hobby and has grown into a business. I work on it during naptime, which works perfect for me.

The things to consider in doing this:
1. Are you o.k. with being confined to your home? I do not leave my house on the weekdays unless to go to church on Wednesday night and basketball practice. I am a homebody anyway so it does not bother me.
2. I consider taking a job outside of my home about 3 months ago but then I began looking at everything - I will have to pay a sitter for 3 kids during the holidays and summers ( would take my whole paycheck), I would have to take off work if my kids were sick, would not be home when they got home from school. I opted to stay where I am. I may not make as much money by staying home but I am home when they come home, there for them if they are sick, home for all holidays and the whole summer.

SOrry this is so long but sometimes you have to sacrafice for your children it is a question of can you afford to sacrafice?

Don't beat yourself up if you can't and don't beat yourself up if you can't hold her the whole time you are home but if you do feel guilty then just put everything on hold until she falls asleep!! Pray about it and let God show you the way!!

Girl, ABSOLUTELY NOT!!! You are doing your best to provide a good life for you and your sweet baby girl. I'm sure as she sits there in her bouncy seat, you're talking to her & interacting with her. It's ok if you don't physically hold her every second. Probably a little better... you're teaching her independance!! Don't be so hard on yourself. All she really needs right now is to know that Mom & Dad love her and it sounds like you're doing that... as she starts moving, your time of "taking care of little things" will be far less so take advantage of it while you can! Blessings!

As has already been said...NO, YOU ARE NOT A BAD MOTHER. The important thing is for your child to feel cared for and she obviously does or she wouldn't tolerate the chair. Babies are vey good at letting us know when something is wrong and if she felt abandoned she would let everyone know it. It says you are doing a good job and she feels secure enough to have you out of sight because she knows you will be there to care for her when she needs it. Just make sure to spend some quality time with her each day, even if just for a few minutes, where she is the sole focus of your attention, be there when she needs you (diaper change, food, etc.) and beyond that do whatever she will tolerate. When my daughter was a baby (she is now 8) we used her eating times as our special time together. I didn't do anything but watch her eat and love on her. During those precious mintues each evening we created a special bond I looked down at her (her little bottom lip would quiver when she ate) I would stroke the hair off her forehead and she looked up at me and later began to pat my cheek as she ate. That bond has carried through even to today, it is so strong nothing will ever be able to touch what we have and she rests easily when away because she knows, even if I am not there, I love her and will always be there for her. Find some routine activity that you can do with her and love her up. As already pointed out, she is building skills as she plays alone. That is perfectly healthy. Try not to be so hard on yourself. Probably the best thing you can do for your daughter right now is to be more gentle with yourself and make sure you take some time to pamper you too. It sounds to me like your daughter is fortunate to have a mother like you.

I am a stay at home Mom and I always used the bouncy seat and swing. It is actually good for them to spend some time entertaining themselves and trust me, when she is older you will be glad that she learned to entertain herself.

You are not a bad Mom. You would be a bad Mom if you left her in it all the time and didn't worry about it.

Letting her play in the bouncy seat does not make you a bad mother. But it sounds like you're under a lot of pressure, stress, exhaustion, and time crunches. Is there any chance you can leave your job for now and stay home with your baby? It sounds like you would really prefer that and feel better about yourself and your family.

Many families who feel trapped by work discover it is possible for mom to stay home if they make some changes. Day care is super expensive anyway, plus gas, car maintenance, work clothes, eating out, etc. Those expenses would be eliminated if you stayed home. Perhaps you could find some part-time work from home to supplement your income. Using cloth diapers would save a bundle. Before you decide you "have" to work, look at it very closely. You do have a husband working, so you have income. I know many people who absolutely had to work, but once something forced them to stay home (ex. chronically ill child, abusive day care, job loss, etc.), they found it could actually work. I don't know what your housing is like, but moving to a less expensive apartment or house is another area to consider. Deferrment of student loans could let you stay home now and work when your daughter's older.
You might be surprised to discover you actually could stay home, and if so, you'll be glad you did.

ABSOLUTELY NOT! I am a FTM and work outside of the home full-time since my son was 6 weeks old. I know exactly how you feel. My house cleaning has fallen to the wayside since having my son. Like you, I don't get home until 5:30ish and his bedtime is 7:30, which leaves just two hours with him. When I get home, I direct all of my attention to him and that is our time. My husband is also a huge help and usually has dinner duty which frees me up to tend to my son. I clean my kitchen after my son is in bed, and sometimes throw a load of laundry in too. I go to bed around 9:00 so I don't have much time to do anything else . I do most of my cleaning on the weekend when my son naps. Now he is 12 months and he follows me everywhere, which is good n the sense that I can get more done. Please feel free to contact me if you need to "chat". You are a great mother, if your weren't you wouldn't care about all of this!!!!

You are not a bad mother. My only question is are you getting enough of her attention? Don't forget how much you crave to hug and snuggle her. Yes, sometimes a load of laundry can wait, and dinner might be the quickest and easiest thing. She won't be this small for long and if you are getting enough of her loving attention then she is to.

You are not a bad mother. It is healthy for your child to learn to entertain themselves as well as learn to detach themselves from Mom's hip. What you do right now is survival. My Gram always said "This too shall pass". This hard stage in life when you are struggling to balance the house, job, and baby only last a little while,although, right now it seems like it will last forever. Hang in there. Ask for help when you need it, and pray about everything. God will see you through.

Of course you're not a bad mother! You do what you've got to do to keep your house moving smoothly. I went back to work when my daughter was 4 months old, and I felt a lot of guilt too. After one school year back at work (I was a teacher), I had to take some time off...just couldn't do it. Working mothers have it terribly hard. Good luck!!

NO!! You are not a bad mom! At 3 months old, your baby is fine hanging out in a bouncy seat for 30 minutes or so. I must warn you though, they get so much more needy!! Enjoy this time while it lasts.
Do you have a good sling? The Bjorns are not good for your back at all... get one of these and you can easily tote yoru baby around with you. My 15 mo. old still loves me to wear him in the sling!!
http://soulemama.typepad.com/soulemama/2005/08/mei_tai_fo...

Does your baby laugh, smile, look at you with adoration, etc? If so, your baby isn't neglected....
Don't feel bad for helping to provide for your family! If you can talk or sing to your baby and play peek a boo with your baby while you are cooking, loading the washer, whatever...that is still attention! You are not a bad mother unless the baby is starving, or hurt!!!
Your baby just wants to see, hear, and be near you.

NO you are not a bad mother!!! You do what you have to do. I have a 1 year old grandaughter - my son's baby. My son, his wife, her 4-year old daughter and my beautiful one-year old baby all live with me. If they were out on their own, my daughter-in-law would have to work; however, since we all live together, she stays home with the baby. I am so thankful for that. I worked when my babies (now both grown) were little and they turned out great. Just spend whatever time you can with the baby and she will always know you love her and will be there for her. Like I said, you do what you have to do.....but you are NOT a bad mother....stop feeling that way!

I think you are a great mother, because you want the best for your daughter, but I hate to tell you that the "guilt" never seems to go away whether you work "outside" or "inside" (e.g. stay at home mom)your home. It's different guilt, but not gone. I believe if you take the time to spend quality "time" with your daughter, then a few minutes in a bouncy seat won't matter in the long run or make you a bad mom. Trust your instincts, enjoy the time you can spend with your daughter and don't sweat the little things. Keep up the good work!

Not at all. I am a mother of 4 and my 3 oldest children went through just about the same things and they are doing great. I remember going home after working all day and trying to get some house work done. I feel that it is good for the baby to know that just because you both are home, the child doesn't need to have your attention the whole time. This way when your baby gets bigger and is crawling and walking, you will be able to get something around the house done without a young 'en on you shrt tail wanting/demanding your attention. My youngest child feels that if she is awake, she should get the attention. Don't make the same mistake I made with my last one. Don't feel bad, it will make you daughter stronger and more dependent in the long run.

You aren't a bad mother. Letting your little one play on her own, in bouncy seat crib or just floor play will help build their imagination and teach them to take "me" time. IMO
My daughter has always had time to herself, this has helped her learn to entertain herself and to have "quiet" time.
To be able to meet the demands of your household's everyday needs, it would be impossible not to allow your child this time so that you can get things done. When she gets older, she will be helping you and you will wish that you could buckle her in a seat lol. ( I have a 4 yr old)

You are not a bad mother, you are not neglecting your child.

A.- It sounds like you are doing everything you can, and no, you are not a bad mom! Have you tried baby slings/carriers? Once I got used to using one, this was a great way for me to do things around the house and still have my son with me. And even though you may not be able to spend as much time as you like with your daughter, that doesn't mean that you can't have some good quality time with her. Good luck, it will get easier!

You are definitely not a bad mom. I was a working single mother and I know that sometimes you just have to get things done...period. I always set aside some special cuddle and play time right when we got home for about 20 minutes, and then would play music or talk to my baby while he was in the bouncy seat and I was cooking, etc. As long as you are present for your child...and are talking and relating, you don't have to be actively cuddling and playing every minute.

Absolutely not!! If it makes YOU feel better, you can get one of those baby things where you can put her on your chest or back, that way you can feel better about it. A few minutes in the bouncer is not a bad thing, I am only suggesting that so YOU will feel better. Take care, and go take a nice long bubble bath!!

No, you're not a bad mom. You can check into a baby carrier, so you can have your baby w/you while you take care of the house; but if she likes the baby bouncer, then I don't see a reason to change. I would try to keep her as close as possible so you can interact with her (talk to her while doing dishes or folding clothes), and you can take her from one room to another if you are going to be in that room for more than a few minutes.

Someone suggested possibly quitting your job; you could also perhaps go to part-time. There are all sorts of ways to cut back, if you're motivated to do that. If you think you'd like to quit work or cut back, I'd suggest getting the book "The Complete Tightwad Gazette" from the library and seeing all the thousands of ways to cut back and save a little here and a lot there. One eye-opening thing is to figure out how much you're actually making (taking into account extra taxes if you're in a higher bracket because of your job, what you're spending on convenience food, clothes for work, etc.). Some women have found out that they were making $1-2 per hour (or even less) when they figured all of that. One couple I saw on Dateline years ago figured out that they were actually $2000 *worse off* per year because of all the expenses of the wife's job (second car, late fees, "guilt gifts" for the kids), so she quit and started babysitting in her home.

I'm a working mom too and often felt bad for not playing with my little boy once we got home but there are things that have to be done when you get home. I say that if your baby is content with sitting in the bouncer for a few minutes while you get some things going then go for it!

If you still feel guilty then let the laundry and stuff wait until your baby is down for the night.

But NO....you are not a bad mother.