Battle with DH over Being a SAHM.

My ex-husband feels the same way (that's one of the reasons he's my EX-husband)! Irony is, if I choose to go to work full-time now, it will actually COST him money since he will only be able to claim the kids as exemptions every other year!

Marital counseling! :) He probably wouldn't go, but I think a third party could help you work this out.

I hear lots of people say they stayed at home early on and then returned to work, but went back to being a SAHM during the pre teen and teen years. Those are really important years for kids to have parents around in my opinion!

Men are funny and don't deal with stressors the way women do. Is it possible that your husband is stressed out from the move and work, etc and is just blaming you for it rather than honestly verbalizing what's going on for him? He went through a big change too, but most men I know won't say, gosh, this has been rough, I need to see a few things change, etc...they just pick something like money, etc and complain.

My husband pulled that...I work part time. I finally called him on it and said, sit down and let's go through the finances. If you can show me that I HAVE to return to work, I will, but I guarantee that the cost of a nanny and all of the extra work we will have to do after work (housework, meal prep, etc) will not benefit us in the long run nor our kids.

He backed down and agreed that he was just frustrated that we weren't as well off as we were financially and that he needed to just rethink finances. No, we aren't going to pay off the house in 15 years, no we aren't going to take expensive vacations...but, we will have happy kids.

My other argument is even if I worked more, I would still be the one taking sick leave for drs appts and sick kids, racing around after work grocery shopping, making dinner etc and that added stress wouldn't benefit our kids or our marriage.

Good luck!

I don't know what you are looking for here. I, in fact, support you staying home if you can afford it. SAHM's take care of the whole family and the number of things that we do......well, you can't really pay for them. There isn't a "cost". If your DH really isn't seeing that, then you guys need to go to marriage counseling. He isn't understanding the words coming out of your mouth and you two should sit down with someone who can translate.
Of course, there are PLENTY of working moms that have great happy lives too. But if you truly feel like this is your "calling", then you should be able to defend your choice.

Tell him to be you for one week on his next vacation time.. You go home to your Momma's and let him deal...He'll be singing a different song when you get home.

Wow, can I ever relate to how you are feeling!
I also becasue a SAHM about 10 months ago becasue of a move. I had a wonderful job that I loved, friends, family within driving distance and we just bought our first home. My kids had friends there, a school they loved (which was connected to my office) it was a wonderful situation.
Recently my husband has started mentioning me doing a job search, as we also discussed I would be staying home becasue of a promotion. He keeps talking about "the money", but I know that is not all there is.

He is jealous- and really I don't blame him! Yes, but compared to working outside the house- I would much rather stay home! I have one child at home all day, and 2 in school.

It is important for you to be honest, and not play the "who has it harder" game. If it helps, write down a list- and be honest. What you like about staying home and what you don't like, and have him to the same. I like being with the kids, but at the same time I really miss the satisfaction of completing a task at work and having adult conversations. But in all honestly, I have it easier than him, and I know it! I just admit it to my husband, but also tell him the benefits of that. We are all less stressed, have a good consistent schedule, the house is clean, the kids are well fed and we are all much happier.

The problem with being a SAHM is that you are never 'off'. It is your full time responsibility to take care of the kids and the house- that is probably why he doesn't want to do a lot with the kids because he feels it is your 'job' now. He probably feels very left out. I can see that my husband feels a little left out of the love fest with me and the kids. We spend so much time together so we know everything about each other- where he doesn't.

I will admit that I sent out some resumes this week just to make him happy- but certainly won't be disappointed if I don't hear back :)

Remind him that you did work before he moved you and you had to quit, but the next time he is planning to take a vacation week -make sure you take one too -ALONE and away! Leave him with the kids all week so he can see what it's like and just how "easy" it is! I went back to work in February after being at home for 4 years. Now, through a twist of fate, I have two jobs -one is a job I do from home when the kids are in bed, but the money was too good to pass up. I cannot tell you how RELAXING it is to go to work all day every day! I actually look forward to Monday mornings. He doesn't have a clue -but he needs to be forced to get one! You can put it to him that he hasn't bonded and spent NEARLY enough time with his children, so here's a golden opportunity. He sounds incredibly selfish and self-centered. He would need to remediate that or I would quit doing anything for him. If he thinks it's bad now -wait until you get a full-time housekeeper, nanny and just decide to shop full time....

Since he seems to be approaching this from a financial (at least, that's his excuse) standpoint, give it right back to him. Make a list or keep a journal of every single thing that you do in a week. From sweep the floors to dropping kids off places. Factor in gas, cost of a car/insurance for an additional person driving the car, etc... EVERYTHING.

Then, start interviewing - on your own if you need - people that would be willing to satisfy that list, and what the hourly charge would be.

Then compare that to whatever you make doing what you were doing.

I bet you can negate his argument completely in a very short time, since no nanny/housekeeper would charge less than $14-15/hr, if not more, for everything that you do.
It's a solid argument. Cost of you working vs. cost of staying home. But unless you were making more than $65K/yr after taxes, the argument would unquestionably work out in your favor.

And your DH seems to just have a very different perception of what you actually do all day. Give him a taste of it!

Write out a weekly "bill" of all the tasks you performed and what that would have cost to outsource to a night nanny, cook, housekeeper, driver, etc. That is your "pay check" allowable for co-pays, Hair cuts, gym, etc. - LOL! sorry, you got really great advice had to throw something a little silly in.
It does sound like the stress of the job and the fact he probably misses you all is weighing on him. Definately time for a little heart-to-heart.

I agree with you that he is just jealous. My husband did the EXACT same thing to me TWICE. Then he lost his high paid jobs BOTH times. The last time we had to move back to where I had built my career, which I had left for him. After what he put me through I would NEVER trust him again. Men like that LIE about us being able to stay home and run the family.

While you are dead on about why he is doing it and it's wrong, what would you do if he left you? What would you do if he lost his job? Sad to say, it's time for you to build a life for yourself. I hope the two of you can stay together and you can love each other and never divorce. But you should not wait until that happens to be lost and alone and penniless. Just make sure when you go back to work that you are growing assets in your own name and that you know EXACTLY what money he makes. Keep a journal and log of all the events that have come about up until now. If this man ever divorces you, he needs to pay any and ALL difference in income level since it's his career that forced you to take a break in yours. I know you don't want to hear this and you want to stay home.

The only other option is for you to become a childcare provider so that he can't say you aren't earning a living.

In my opinion, this isn't so much about being a SAHM as a "bait and switch." It's also a power play between you and your husband. The issue is who's doing what to support the household. Your husband feels like he's doing dispropotionate work, and you're feeling devalued. You also were "promised" that you would be valued in this role and your husband is reneging.

Personally, I'm on your side here - I think your husband is being a bit of a jerk, if you'll excuse my saying so. However, my agreeing with you probably isn't going to change anything. I don't always advise that couples get into counseling, but in this case, I don't see things getting better without it. There seem to be some serious communication issues (he doesn't understand why its so important to you to stay home, you don't understand why he can't be more flexible about income, etc) and someone trained could really help you work through those. I think there's a lot of resentment, and it could be toxic for your marriage if you don't work it out.

Good luck.

Christina has a good point, to talk to someone outside the situation. I also agree that if you can afford to stay home, good for you.

Personally I miss working. I love nursing and being a nurse. My husband and I talked early in our marriage that it wasn't always about the money but both of us having a work passion. But for us, when the kids hit school age it became glaringly apparent that home is where I needed to be.
I now love being COO of this house and have channeled my nursing passion into some wellness consulting but that's another story.

Sometimes, I know for me, having things in black and white helps me understand. Write out everything you do that someone else would have to do. EVERYTHING! But like you already said, it's is those things with the kids that can't be replaced by anyone else. Not really. Our 15 year old is working on getting her Congressional Gold Medal which requires a ton of service hours, activity hours, etc. Sure I guess a nanny could take her to all of this, but not necessarily share the passion and understand the why it's important to her. That's another type of investment that your husband really needs to understand or it will come back to bite him in the behind!

And as far as going back once the kids are older. In MY OPINION, that is when you need to be home. I worked full time by my choice until our kids were 10 and 6. But when that 10 year old came home and couldn't understand why I couldn't help the teacher, go on field trips etc. Then as they got older it was so important (and fun) to take them to and from school, meet their friends, be involved in their lives. Our house was/is the house to come to and other parents know I'm home and kids will be supervised. And many times they told me about their days just in that 15 minutes home and then they were done talking. By the time my husband got home and we sat down to dinner, they weren't very chatty. And my husband has always been a very involved dad. He doesn't come home and "relax" but many times comes home to change clothes and catches our daughter's pitches and helps our son with whatever.

Oops, sorry, I got wordy. I hope your husband gets not just the dollars he is saving, but true value to your family being home.

sad 2 say no sahm dont get enough respect...bein a sahm is harder then working at times but the hubbys dont see that:( sad 2 say the men are jellous...my ex-husband was like that always wanted me 2 get a job wanted that money....well think god i have a wonderful husband now that dont want me 2 work he enjoys me bein at home:)) do like i did with my ex dont pay no mind 2 ur hubby just enjoy urself and ur childern he cant make you work:) its his place 2 take care of his family:)) good luck girl enjoy ur time

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the tempting thing is to get a job and farm out all the work you are doing and let your dh see what a bargain he is getting right now. but that would be overkill, and not very helpful to your kids. it sounds as if the communication has been derailed, he is resentful at things not working out the way he predicted and is lashing out at you.
making a balance sheet that breaks down the financial advantages of you staying home might be a good thing, if he is a logical visual type.
agreeing to get a part-time job during the hours that HE is home to supervise might also be a nice reciprocal gesture, since you don't seem opposed to working in itself, but to being bullied and unappreciated.
but mostly i'm thinking that a brief stint with a couples counselor might help. you probably just need a tune-up in how to talk to each other. he's attacking you for not doing enough 'work' and you (not surprisingly) slap back with reminding him of what his career has already cost you. neither of these modes contribute to the other really hearing what's being said.
you can probably beat him into submission with facts and figures, but what you really want is a partner who is on board with you being a SAHM and enthusiastic about the benefits to the family for you doing so. to get that you need to recruit him to your pov and enlist his support, not force him into reluctant acquiescence. and the only way to do that is to get him to hear you (as well as to listen to him....are you sure you know what is really motivating this change of heart, deep down?)
good luck!
khairete
S.

CherryJam-sounds like a rough spot with the moving and now this.. My husband and I have had this conversation frequently but I do and want to go back to work. I would recommend hiring a nanny while your still home to "learn" the ways of your household and you can really see how she is with the kids, you, and how she handles your specific instructions.

You will have to call a family meeting about your plans and be clear to your 12 y/o that any bull&^%$ will not be tolerated.

Hopefully your husband will feel like you are making an effort to work together and you will feel confident your household will not fall apart when you're at work. You guys have to be a team and see things from each other's perspective and work together :)

My husband and I really work hard to find a compromise in situations that we don't agree on.

Yes, being at home is hard and doesn't get enough respect. But you admit that you have time for yourself and he doesn't. Why not give him some of that time? My husband can golf all he wants. All I ask is that he let me know where, when and the tee time. I give him that because he does work hard to support our family. This relaxes him and gives him some time to himself to do what he wants for a change.

Would going back to work part time be acceptable? What about working from home? Can you get a tutor for your 12 year old?

Please know that I am not defending your husband. I think he's being pretty crummy to you right now. I'm just suggesting ways to balance what he sees as an unbalanced situation.

If he can't compromise with you, then I think it's time to bring in a professional... Good luck - you sound like a great mom and I know you will find what is best for you and your kids.

Since he seems like such a "numbers" guy, I'd show him in black and white what it will "cost" him if you return to work. Find pay rate for job you would obtain...start deducting things like housecleaner, nanny, extra car, gas, clothing, food, etc that are work related.
Dave Ramsays book "Financial Peace" has a part about $$ spent when you DO work.
Can you find a middle ground after summer, like a PT position?
Good luck!

The song cats in the cradle comes to mind. My husband has vowed NOT to be his dad.

I am a stay at home mom. We have no credit card debt - in fact we have no credit cards, the only debt we have in our mortgage.

I'm sorry I have red flags going up all over the place. His temperment has changed and he's traveling a lot? Does he care more about money than he does his family?

Now more than ever our children need us - society has gotten so self-centered and keeping up with the Jones' that our children have celebrity's as role models - is that what you want for your child? NO!! You have done a GREAT job in settling the family. I wouldn't leave a 12 year old home alone - as a tween going through all those hormones and peer pressure?! PAAAHLEASE!!! Who knows what would happen before either of you got home?! I know kids can be good - but think about when you were a kid......

Make a list of all you do during the day - shopping, homework, cleaning, etc. and show it to him.

Just to assuage him - get prices of nanny's and house cleaning services. Check into jobs in your area - will your paycheck be paying for them or will his and if it's his - why do you need to work?

My husband was jealous ONCE - he got laid off when our youngest was 4 months old and was home 6 weeks - he saw ALL I did during the day and changed his tune REAL fast. I hope that your husband doesn't get laid off to get this first-hand information - but really - he need to know what you do for the family on a daily basis and see that a nanny can't do that for you.

Exactly what Denise said about showing him the numbers. Sounds like his new promotion has made his head get a little too big for his own good.

Also, if he worries about how you are spending your money, then plan a budget. Maybe there is a pint to his concerns in that area.

Financial problems are one of the number one causes of marital problems, seek counseling to mediate and nip it in the bud.