How Do You Get a SAHD to Actually Clean, Do Laundry, Etc.?

Hate to say this...but I do my laundry and my sons laundry. It is up to my husband to take care of his own. I was getting sick of doing his stuff for him and then watching his folded laundry sit in the floor, get laid on by the dogs and end up never being worn and back into the laundry.
Although both my husband and I have full time jobs, I expect him to pitch in with the house work. I cannot do it all myself, as it is partly his mess too.

I was in your position a few months ago. We "agreed" years ago that I would work and he would stay home. He was of the opinion that he was "doing his job" by taking care of our child. Okay, fine... yes, taking care of a 3 yr old is work, but our "deal" was that he would be a stay-at-home parent. To me, that encompasses running the household. We had to actually get into an argument to get it worked out. My problem with him was not that he didn't have everything clean all the time. (I never did when I stayed home) My problem with him was that he COMPLAINED about the place being a mess all the time. (and acutally called me a poor housekeeper!)

The first thing I did, was stop cleaning. I let our daughter's room go a whole month! That helped some. Eventually, I had to break it down to him... when he worked, he expected me to take care of everything at home. (kids, cleaning, bills, etc.) Why should it be any different when the roles are reversed? I was by no means a "perfect" housekeeper, but I don't expect him to be perfect either. I just expect him not to complain about the place being a mess or dishes or laundry being piled up when he's home every day.

I don't have a problem with toys being out or a few dishes needing to be washed, (and he does not cook dinner, I do that when I get home) but when things get too messy and he starts complaining about it (implying that I should've cleaned everything up), it infuriates me. (and he wondered why I was often too tired to have any "alone time")

I think you'll just have to explain to him that you have little time with the kids, and you don't want to spend that available time cleaning. And... if he were at work all day, wouldn't he expect you to pick up? PLUS, you'll be too tired to perform any "wifely duties" if you spend all day at work and then start cleaning the moment you walk in the door! :)

I totally agree with the other moms here that have already responded. Your hubby also works full-time as a stay at home parent ... just in a job that doesn't pay him, give him enough respect and that most people don't ever refer to as a full-time job unless they've done it before!

Being a full-time stay at home parent is a VERY hard job, and my hubby realizes that we BOTH work full-time. He just happens to work outside the home in an office job, and I work full-time at home raising, teaching and taking care of our two children. So, we share in the housework (which still doesn't get done nearly enough because we have two very small children and would rather spend time with them than clean most of the time ... they're only little once).

My hubby would never expect me to take care of all the chores at home alone as part of my "job." He has said many times that he knows that being a stay at home parent is a harder job than any outside job could ever be (I agree and I've done both now with children). You all need to talk about your expectations as parents and spouses and come up with a mutual decision on what needs to be done and who is to do it when. I find that when we just talk through things we're thinking that things go much better ... people generally aren't mind readers.

It's hard being a parent, and it's even harder trying to get things done and raise a family. Just stick together, communicate what you're feeling (whether it be frustration, being overwhelmed, etc.) and I'm sure you can agree on how to best do what you need to do for your family. Good luck!

Actually I agree with C.. I've been the SAHM and been the working mom with the SAHD. It's not the he didn't do enough around the house, he did NOTHING around the house. Well, I'll take that back, he mowed the lawn every two weeks or so. I worked 40+ hours a week outside the home and then came home and did ALL of the cleaning, bill paying etc... All the same things I did as a SAHM. She's not asking him to keep a spotless house, just throw a load of laundry, do the dishes, wipe down the counters every once in a while.

Heck, cook dinner so she can have some quality time with the kids before they go to bed.

I don't have any advice, I was never able to get it across to my DH either.

Being a SAHP is not as easy a task as most people would like to think of it as being. DH and I went to a marriage seminar a couple of years ago and the counselors/speakers said that parents with kids at home need to share the chores equally. Watching children is a full time job too, especially if you want them to be trained and raised by the parent and not the tv or closed up in their room by themselves all day to give mommy/daddy time to clean. Once all of the kids are in school and he's by himself all day, expecting him to have the house clean is not unreasonable at all. My husband and I have worked it out where he does the picking up and straightening up, and I do the actual cleaning (like floors, stove/microwave, bathrooms, vacuuming, etc), I cook, he cleans up after dinner, and he does the dishes and laundry (We share the laundry when I'm not pregnant, but he does it all mostly by himself when I'm preg). It's also good to involve your Kindergartener in the chores and get her to help sort laundry, cook, wipe off the counters or cabinets, etc.
Remember, taking care of kids full-time is exhausting too, so he's probably just as tired and frustrated with the "people" he works with too by the time you get home. Yes, asking him to have to house cleaned and the laundry done by himself is too much to ask of most people (unless he's just one of those super dads) WHILE taking care of a 2 1/2yr old and even a 5yr old 1/2 day. Asking him to SHARE in the chores, however, is not too much to ask and should be expected.

Well, sub the gender and it probably describes more than half of us righ now. I am sure there are husbands who wish their wives would do more but don't DARE pipe up and say something.

Flylady.net has a male version I think...

I myself have gone through spurts of cleaning and not... sometimes my house is cleaner than others. I know if my husband helps me with the dishes, and I don't have as much of that chore to do then I manage to do other things. Cleaning up after the kids and keeping up with them is hard work- You are hopefully spending time parenting- teaching takes time.

Maybe spend one hour as a family on a Saturday taking jobs from a jar and trying to get things done as fast as you can would be a better approach... maybe start a load of laundry in the washer and ask him sweetly if he will make sure it goes through to the dryer would jumpstart the rest of the laundry.

Maybe mention that if you don't see any cleaning to be done at home when you get home- that you will have more energy to play later at night <wink wink>

Just talk to him. Maybe y'all can come to some sort of agreement. Maybe if he can keep things picked up and caught up, you can do the major cleaning over the weekend? Just a thought!

Typical man. Maybe you can suggest that if he can't handle the job, that ya'll need to switch places and have him work. Right now you are handling 2 jobs. He just has his recreational pastime. Not quite fair.

I have a friend who has the same problem. She works full-time and part-time job she does a couple of nights a week on the computer. Her husband does not work. They have 2 children both in school. She does everything at home, he does not lift a finger. I think it is insane that you should have to come home and do housework. I have been a stay at home mother of 3 and homeschool 2 of them and rarely is my husband expected to do housework. If it has been extremely stressful he will offer to help me and we work together if something needs to get done before we are able to go do something on the weekwnds or something. Thankfully my husband and I understand each other very well after 12 years. I bet if it was turned around and you were the one home all day he would have something to say about.

I can't imagine how frustrated you must feel. I am a SAHM because my husband and I didn't want to put our little one in daycare. He picked up a second job for me to be home and I just can't imagine paying him back by doing nothing around the house. I believe your husband is being selfish and maybe not thinking about how his choices are affecting you and your marriage. At the very least he isn't communicating with you and that equals stress in the marriage.
Perhaps you should tell him that he needs to take a job outside the home and see how he responds........at least you'll have his attention.......you don't seem to have it now. If he isn't going to chip in and pull his weight as the primary caregiver of the family (and yes that includes taking care of you too) then maybe he should bring home some money so you guys can order out dinner.........at least you won't be spending all your home time doing chores.
It sounds vindictive and bitter and maybe it is...but everyone is not thoughtful and considerate enough to be a stay at home. You have to be a self-starter and be willing to do a lot of unrewarding chores.. reminding yourself that is all for the betterment of the family. Maybe your husband isn't cut out for that.
On the flip side,being a stay at home goes unappreciated by a lot of working types(men and women). Maybe he is feeling incomplete in his role for your family. Men and there egos are funny things. If he is spending all his time volunteering as a director for a soccer club perhaps that's his way of letting you know that your family situation is not fulfilling for him. He may need more. He might be relieved to take a "real" job and you know 2-1/2 is almost preschool age. Your daughter might benefit from his working too.
Good luck!

As hard as it is, you might try making a list of things to do for your self that puts the house keeping at the bottom of the list like studying, if you dont study and pass the test, you are risking your financial stability. It will drive you nuts because the house wont get done at all for a while but when he realizes that you arent doing it he will. He knows you asked him to do it, dont nag him, that causes the guys to put it off, basically they rebell. just let him see you are depending on him to do it because you cant. Good luck!

I regree about the do the big cleaning over the weekend. That's a great idea that I want to talk to my husband about. He works very hard, as I'm sure you do. But sometimes when he gets home, he's upset that the food isn't ready and the livingroom still has a few toys. I'm sure there is a compromise somewhere you just have to look for it. Plus every now and then dad needs a break. But you shouldn't just stay quiet because then you may just blow up one afternoon and things could be really bad as far as arguements go. I think it is better to discuss things before they get to that point. Hope everything works out for you.

Hi C., I am a stay at home mom now but I did work outside the home and when I got home I had to do everything too. I still do inorder for my husband to have time with the boys. What I did to get my husband to help while I was working is I just sat down when I got home. The kids have to eat so someone has to cook so he did it because I refused.

One thing I have found lately that works for me is a schedule because I have a home business. I make it in 30 minute increments and set timers if I have to and for 30 minutes I do some laundry and the next 30 minutes I will work and the next 30 minutes I clean the kitchen and so on. Sit down and make a schedule but you have to add take turns at night with the kids so YOU get quality time with them too. And factor the kids routine as far as eating and play time and picking the one up from school. Try it for aweek and I think it willhelp both of you because you will always be fighting about it unless you can come to common ground.

C.,
You are absolutely correct. Staying home and supervising the kids is as much a full-time job as any job outside the home, and regardless of which parent is doing which job, housework MUST be shared.
It may be helpful to discuss your expectations for housework with each other and come to a compromise about certain jobs.
If hubby hates laundry, agree to take on that task if he will do all the cooking....
Write the least favorite chores on slips of paper and put them in a jar... (Cleaning the tub/toilets, wiping the baseboards, dusting the ceiling fans) and agree that once a week you will each pull one of these from the jar and do it.
But above all, and I think the MOST important thing.... allow each other 30 minutes to an hour to re-group after your primary work day. If he has had the kids all day, allow him some grown-up time. If you have been in the office all day, take a few to reconnect with the kids ny reading to them or taking a walk with them.
Once you have each re-oriented your outlook to your second job (home care) it will be much easier to get it accomplished.

Also remember that teaching your children to help with household chores is a part of parenting - ask anyone who has married someone who has never done laundry or dishes.....

Even very small children can help with dusting or emptying garbage cans....

Decide together the things he should manage to complete during the day while you are not home (limit this to 3 or 4) and DO NOT DO THESE THINGS unless there is an emergency.
If he should wash breakfeast and lunch dishes, leave them sitting there if they are undone when you get home.
Part of the issue with household work is when one partner continually takes responsibility back....

But, if hubby has been all day at the doctors with the kids, then be understanding and help him out as he catches up at the end of the day...
Be a parenting/homecare team and work together to make your home what you both want and need....

L. G