My six year old is being evaluated for ADHD, a sensory processing disorder, and/or Aspergers (the place that does it is totally backed up...it's taking forever). Today was just one of those days for me. I felt more short-tempered...exhausted...wore out...you name it (could have something to do with being 7 months pregnant?). Anyway...I feel like the other kids can roll with it a little better when I have an off day (especially because they are few and far between)...but my six year old just...can't.
Part of me feels guilty, because I don't have the energy or patience that I normally do...I feel like it's my fault he struggled more today. Another part of me feels that as moms...we're entitled to an off day every so often! I am generally patient...I rarely lose my temper (and when I feel like I am...I try to take some deep breaths and give myself a 'time out')...we're working with a therapist...we were able to get him into a special program over the summer that focuses on social skills for kids like him...I have weekly meetings with the coordinators on things we can do at home to reinforce the program...etc. Not to make it sound like I'm supermom or doing everything right for him...I know I'm not...I just feel like I work so hard to help him and understand him and do what's right...but I don't feel like it's realistic to expect that I'm always going to be on top of it.
I'm sure tomorrow will be better...it always is...and for that I'm grateful.
My question...any suggestions for things I can do to either a) make it so I never have off days (yah, I know...I'm foolishly optimistic on that one...but you never know!)...b) help him to have some coping skills for days like this...or c) deal with both him and myself when days like this happen...and he's not coping well.
Thanks a bunch...I think I'm going to go eat that last brownie...have a glass of milk...and hit the pillows...what a day!
Thank you all so much...the brownie was delicious (although now I have heartburn...Gotta love pregnancy...and tums). I do need to work more on forgiving myself...and that in and of itself is a vital coping skill for both he and I. I do need to work on counting to 10 more...I'm trying to get him to do the same. Maybe my example will help! I feel bad because he fell asleep before I was done tucking one of the other ones in...and I didn't get a chance to go in and rub his toes and visit a bit. On days like today, we usually have a really nice heart-to-heart at the end of the day - neither of us mean to be so difficult! Maybe I'll cut out a little heart and put it on his pillow before I go to bed. Thank you for helping me keep things in perspective! I needed it!! And I do need to get back into working out. Morning (more like all day...:p) sickness always throws me off as far as working out...and it takes me awhile to get back on the ball. I always feel better when I exercise!! I was thinking about starting a journal again...I've never been very good at it...but sometimes I just want to write out all my thoughts and feelings (and who knows...maybe he'll be blessed with a little guy/girl just like himself someday). I really do love that kid...having some quiet time tonight has helped me to remember that. Anyway...I look forward to any other suggestions :)
Thanks for the additional comments...it's so true...we all have issues. I've told my husband, our son often acts like how I feel like acting :p. My husband laughs when I comment on our son being rigid...until just a few years ago, I could only close my eyes at night if the time was a multiple of 5...even if I was exhausted...if it was 10:47...I would keep my eyes open until 10:50. Poor kid...probably inherited all kinds of things from me!
Hugs! My son is bipolar and yes there are days I cry like a baby! And when I was pregnant with my daughter there where days when I was sooooo thankful he was in school otherwise I don't know how I would have made it with him!
Yep. Here's my suggestion: Make a mental note that even moms with kids without "issues" have bad days. Sometimes we just have to accept that we are human. We'll mess up. We'll say the wrong thing. We'll react instead of act. We may even make the SAME mistakes more than once. We are allowed to make mistakes, and so are you.
Just rest easy with the knowledge that a bad day here and there is NOT what your dear children will remember when they are grown. You shouldn't dwell on days that seem this way, either. We ALL have them. Some of us have less reason to 'deserve' them.... but we STILL have them.
Enjoy the brownie! and have sweet dreams! And lighten up on yourself...
:))
Have you ever read Lilly and the Purple Plastic Purse to your children? It is a very cute book, and when the little girl is acting up in school, the teacher writes her a note that says, "Today was a difficult day. Tomorrow will be better." I love that saying! At the end of the night, when I am lying in bed after a rough day, I say that to myself and I feel a little better. Good Luck!
These are the days when I allow an extra movie on the 3DS, on netflix IN his room to give me some extra chill time. ALL moms have our bad/rough days and it gets more difficult when our children have thier own daily personal struggles. I also find refuge in my work out at the gym - it is my hour a day all to me - wish I had started it much sooner.
Everyone has bad days and it sounds like you are being extra hard on yourself. Hopefully this is just a feeling for today.
You have 2 extra things on your plate. You have a child with special needs and a pregnancy to deal with. I have neither and I lose my patients too.
I remember back in the baby 101 class (whatever that class is called), it is better to walk away from a screaming baby and count to 10, then to try to deal with them while you are both losing it. Will it work with him?
Best wishes
I'm sorry I don't have an answer for you. I just wanted to say, make it two brownies and a glass of wine. Get some rest and look forward to a better day tomorrow.
Of course you're allowed to have off days. It's just harder to manage when you have a special needs child. Your child will be OK. You cannot be a super mom so stop beating yourself up over it. As Sharon B. said, forgive yourself and ask for forgiveness.
Hello!
We all have off days and some can be devastating...to everyone around. I've learned to forgive myself and to ask fo forgiveness. It's the best lesson we can teach our family! We all have thousands of emotions that change minute by pminute....and one alone doesn't define us! By owning our "moment" it teaches them to be more kind to themselves..and that no one is perfect! Ask for forgiveness and move on!
S.
First I want to give you a huge hug for calling them issues!! My kids have issues too. :)
My biggest piece of advice is stop feeling guilty for having an off day. Last I checked we are human, warts and all.
My Andy, who has the most issues, will be 13. There will always be off days. I have been working in the garden all day. Oh, he is burning the house down, could you perhaps grab the hose and put it out? :) No my son has never tried to burn the house down or anything that destructive, still that is my point. Sometimes you just don't have the energy to react with the appropriate drama. Doesn't mean you are missing the seriousness, just means drama takes more energy than you have at the moment.
Make sense?
If he is Aspie or other spectrum disorders like my Andy, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. You learn how to speak their language and they do comply. Sometimes they forget just like we do but the days that you must bring your A game are going to become fewer the older they get and the more you both understand. :)
I TOTALLY feel you!!! I have a VERY hyperactive 4 year old who is yet to be diagnosed with ADHD. I'm doing Everything in my power to help with it. I am exhausted by about 4pm and wonder how I'm going to last until bedtime, but yet, she's so cute, so it balances out the overwhelming hyper, unfocused, exasperating. We just started the Feingold diet and I am starting to see a pattern with her food issues. You might check out feingold.org and see if it sounds like something that you might be interested in. The more I learn about diet, the more I am in LOVE with eating all natural. It's been about 2 months for us and I am just beggining to take the leap onto all natural. I've found recipes for fruit snacks, fruit roll ups, cheese its, goldfish, etc. So cheap, so easy!
I'm looking forward to more days of my child being her bubbly self but more focused and healthy! Happy researching!!! I've enjoyed my jouney so far and I hope that you do to!
((HUG)) We all have off days. But it is true that if you have a child "with issues" your off days are reflected back at you in ways other moms don't necessarily have to deal with. You are already working with a therapist. Ask him/her how you can give yourself space when you are not at your best (which we all need) in a way that has minimal impact on your son. And you may need to accept (and he may need to learn to accept and handle) that on some days you can't offer him all the support he wants all the time. You're right. It is not realistic to expect you to be on top of things the whole time. Trying to be on top of everything all the time is the road to crazy. :-)
And you're also right that brownies and milk and a good night's sleep can do wonders for a tired supermom.
You are pregnant and tired. You are probably wondering what this new baby will be like since you are dealing with a challenging child right now. I think that you are doing the right thing by taking your child to a therapist. Use the resources you have to see if you can find a baysitter who will be able to deal with your child who has special needs. Hire a trained/patient person to care for your child a couple of hours a week, if you can afford to do so. I think that a special summer program for your child sounds wonderful. During the school year, I know that the public schools here in Virginia offer preschool programs for special needs children. The programs are inclusive. They mix special needs children in with mainstream children. The public school programs won't cost you a dime. I have worked with such a program, and it is a wonderful experience for all involved. I hope that this helps you. Best of luck with your children, and you will make it work. You sound like you are on the ball!
K.
Licensed Teacher
Mother of two grown children
Give yourself a break! We all have off days. You are doing the best possible job.
Instead of beating yourself up over having had a bad day, think of it as letting your little one know that, although he believes you to be, you are not perfect and that's okay. After you have a chance to calm down after having had an "episode" with him, tell him you're sorry. Tell him you are not perfect and that the best thing about life is that every day is a new day and we get to start over every day and tomorrow you are going to have a better day.
It's good for kids, especially kids with "issues" to know that no one is perfect. We may not have the same "issues" as he has, but we all have "issues."
Turn your thinking around and don't try to be perfect - just be a loving mom who has her own "issues."
