Hi ladies, this is almost too silly to ask, but I'm hoping some of you can relate so I don't feel so crazy. My birthday was a few days ago, and my 10 year old daughter wanted to make me breakfast in bed for it today. It was definitely a surprise. So she woke me up (not a morning person) and said me and daddy are going to make you breakfast in bed. I was still very sleepy and not thinking clearly, but I thought I was being polite and just said "aw, that's so nice, I'd really be fine with cereal". I meant it in the "you don't have to go to all the trouble just for me" way. Yes, of course I know that a sweet surprise like that isn't about being easy. Then, still being stupidly half-asleep, I said "I could come down to be with you guys". She asked if that's what I wanted to do. By now, I'm more awake and know that she wants to bring it up on a tray, etc. So I say "actually, I'd love to eat up here, I'll watch some tv and eat in bed, how fun". I'm thinking we're back on track and I'm now lucid and with the program. She leaves to go downstairs.
My hubby comes up a minute later and says she's downstairs crying and told him that I only wanted cereal and wasn't excited at all. It kills me that I made her cry and ruined her excitement. I went to her and explained that I was excited, I was just so sleepy and it was hard to tell, etc. She said she still wanted to make breakfast so I went back to bed, and it was nice. She ate with me and we chatted.
So it all ended well, but I can't stop thinking about her little face, and how horrible I feel. Tired or not, I should have handled it better and feel like I ruined this for her. She's currently golfing with daddy, and is completely fine. But I feel like this will haunt me for days/weeks.
Anyone ever had a similar mommy gult episode. You know the kids are fine and have moved on, but you feel so guilty that you can't? Ugh.
I have actually had this exact experience. My kids always want to make me breakfast in bed, but I would much rather eat with them. I think over the years, I have let them know, so now they ask where i want to eat. But I totally understand the feeling guilt! Actually reading this made me feel like I should have felt more guilty, but kids usually get over things pretty fast and still tell me I am the best mom in the world!
I have four kids and the guilt is constant. Seems like so many situations come up where I could have chosen better words or played one more game or read a book, etc. I cannot give you an easy answer to give up the guilt but I do know if you hold on to it, it will reflect who you are too. Just keep your mishandling and guilt in the back of your mind and remember to choose different words next time.
I think the tag line that Nickelodeon is using right now says it great:
We're not perfect, we're parents.
So true! Just let it go girl, move on, enjoy and be thankful! Your daughter will continue to love you and maybe just mention to her a few days before Mother's Day how much you loved the breakfast in bed thing. Maybe she will want to do it again.
Good luck!
Maybe you could make HER breakfast in bed, just to reciprocate. :)
Ahhh, mommy guilt! Nothing like it. You did the right thing by talking to your daughter and it sounds like the two of you ended up sharing a special morning. Do your best not to dwell on it; I promise there will be more! :o) LOL Maybe make her a little thank you card to show how much you appreciated what she did for you. Let her "overhear" you telling a relative or friend about your special breakfast in bed and how great it was to have something other than just a bowl of cereal. Give her a big hug! How sweet!
I've had that happen. It comes from us moms not ever wanting to disappoint our babies. You did just fine by going down and reassuring her and having breakfast in bed. Good job mom!
Oh God, yes.
Too many times...
Mommy guilt is the worst.
When my daughter was 3 or 4, she was in a dance program, and they had their recital. They had 2 performances that day, so I decided I'd buy her flowers for the second and final performance. Well, I wish people had told me that no one else did that.
At the end of the first performance, EVERY other little girl walks out on stage with her flowers, except for my daughter, who was just looking upset and confused. It turns out that most parents expected that their kids would be too tired for the second performance, so they commonly gave the flowers for the first performance. So the people backstage handed all the other little girls flowers, except for my daughter. (I sure wish someone had been nice enough to give her one, even though I hadn't paid for it.)
She cried inconsolably after the first performance, and even the fact that she got the biggest bunch of flowers later that day didn't make up for it.
Fifteen years later I still think of my poor baby being the only one not getting flowers, and it still breaks my heart.
However, she's fine. :)
Everyone one has blown it at some time or another. The cool thing is you were able to make it right.
We are not perfect. Your daughter will not remember your initial reaction, she will most likely remember making you breakfast, eating in bed with you and chatting. God gives us grace for all sorts of things and he did so this morning which allowed you to recover and end up having a wonderful moment with your daughter. Sounds like your daughter has gotten over it and you should too. Don't beat yourself up! Have a great day!
A.
It is so interesting to me how moms unconciously wear guilt as a bage of honor. Somehow moms deep down believe that they are required to feel guilt or that it is simply a required part of motherhood. Somehow we believe that if we feel guilty enough then everyone will be happy and feel loved. Not true! Actually, guilt is a destructive mechanism that creates illness, depression, anxiety, etc. It creates disconnection between family members rather than connection. It inhibits a mother's ability to care for her own needs and then, in turn, she is less able to care for others.
Guilt is a feeling based on the belief that you are responsible for everyone else's well-being. As mother's we have been programmed to believe that we can somehow keep our children from experiencing anything that would cause them to feel pain. These are false, irrational belief systems. We only create suffering when we cling to these beliefs.
We cannot control the events that will happen in our children's lives. What we can do is give them the tools they need to work through the emotions they experience when any particular event happens. We can allow them to feel the feelings (whether we think they are rational or not), express them appropriately, and then create solutions with which to respond to each experience.
Most of us are taught how to stuff our feelings: "buck up" "stop crying", "don't throw a fit", "I'll give you something to cry about", etc. This leads to illness, addictions, eating disorders, and acting out. Feelings are not bad. Why are we so afraid of them? We confuse the feeling of the emotions to the often destructive behaviors that happen when we react rather than respond. Response means that we feel the feelings in a safe, controlled environment, and express them appropriately (through journaling, or yelling into a pillow, or just sitting down and having a good cry) Emotions will naturally flow through if you give them a chance. When you allow them to flow through you are then in a place to create something new.
With children, often if we just sit with them and allow the emotion to run its course they will automatically be fine, move on to the next thing, or solve the problem at hand. If we actually do something that hurts someone we do not have to punish ourselves for years. We simply need to own our behavior, apologize, and then look at what caused us to react in that manner in the first place. Children are naturally forgiving by nature. They do not require you to punish yourself by constantly beating yourself up. This will disconnect you from your child and all they want is to be connected. Even if you aren't supermom. Kids don't need supermom. They need genuine, human mom. Because that is the mom that will teach them about how to live in the real world.
