Advice on 15 Year Old

I think you're EXACTLY on the right track K.. What's the most concerning isn't the hickey-- it's her rebellion (telling you that she's going to see him anyway... and HIS rebellion and total disrespect for your authority as her mother. This is a boy that's determined to have sex with your daughter, or ALREADY IS-- it's one thing for a kid to tell off his own parent, but when they're so rebellious publically, that they tell off someone ELSE'S mother-- that's a serious problem.)
It's hard, and she may very well continue to sneak around-- but you MUST hold your ground. If YOU don't set the standard for her-- who will? Everyone else is telling her to go for it-- society is, the TV is, the movies, the music, many of the kids at school, sometimes even the SCHOOLS tell them "it's okay- just use a condom and you'll be fine". But it's all a bunch of lies.
Who's going to lead her in the right direction? Who LOVES HER ENOUGH to tell her the TRUTH? That it's NOT fine!
Her mother!!
SOMEONE HAS to be the one to lead her in the right direction and help her to understand that it's NOT right, it's NOT what's going to make her happy.
One of the BIGGEST contributors to the literal corruption of teens today is the whole idea that "they're going to do it anyway, so hand them a condom/give them the pill" mentality. Just make sure they're doing it "safely". What a bunch of garbage! That is PERMISSION! That's like those people who say, "yeah, you shouldn't be drinking or getting drunk at 16 or 17, and I don't want you to drive intoxicated, but since you're going to get drunk anyway, I'd rather you didn't do it behind my back. So here's a keg-- invite your friends over and you guys can get wasted in the basement, just hand me your keys so I know you won't try and leave the house". That is PERMISSION! You give a kid PERMISSION to do something, they are GOING TO DO IT!
Do you know that now they're doing this with needles!! Yup!! They don't want anyone to get AIDS from drug needles, so now they're handing out new "clean" needles to drug addicts so they can keep doing their drugs and not get AIDS. It's the SAME mentality. "They're going to do it anyway, so let's just help them do it safely." How sick is THAT? That's like saying "I'd prefer you didn't play on the highway, but since you're going to do it anyway, here's some padding and a helmet. So next time you go out on 1-35, make sure you put on your helmet, okay?" It's the SAME THING!
I'm always baffled that so few seem to pay any attention to the fact that it's that VERY MENTALITY that brought our society and OUR CHILDREN to this point in the first place. It's so OBVIOUS and so clear-- you can see the pattern in our history, and in every statistic, and yet so many completely ignore it.
People laugh and scoff at "old values"-- but it's those old values that kept families together, that kept more girls from having sex so soon. Of course, kids have ALWAYS done this-- through every age there are those who push the envelope too far, who rebel, etc -- but not NEARLY in the numbers they do it now.
Every single study has shown that kids who are taught abstinence-based sex ed have MUCH lower rates of teen sex, pregnancy and STD's. And the groups that are taught "protection-based" sex ed?? Guess what? THEY'RE mostly the ones having sex, getting pregnant and a nice STD to go with it!!! DUH!
Of course-- there are ALWAYS going to be those who are going to rebel no matter what-- whether they were taught abstinence or not. But still-- you have to teach them what's RIGHT, set rules/guidelines, be conscientious in your parenting, and just hope and pray that they make the right choice, because you CAN'T be with them 24/7.
And like you are already doing-- there HAVE to be consequences when the break the rules. And you have to STICK to the them.
(If I were you-- I'd call the boy's mother/father and talk to them-- not in an angry/accusatory tone, but as a concerned mother, being SURE to place blame on your DAUGHTER-- don't make it sound like HE'S the problem. They BOTH participated,
she was a WILLING participant-- so she's just as responsible. The minute you make it sound like "HE did this to MY innocent daughter" they're going to tune you out. So make it clear that you've told you're daughter that she can't date ANYONE-- it's not just their son. But also make it clear that you told him not to see her, and that he was defiant to you, and said "NO one will stop me from seeing her". Ask them to help you keep them apart. If they're really liberal in letting him do what he wants "because that's what teens do anyway" then just realize that you'll be on your own.
Don't get into a power play with her-- no arguing with her, no yelling-- don't let her get you to lose control.
You set the rules, let her know that you REALIZE that once she's out of your view that she might decide to break them anyway, but that the consequences WILL follow and that you hope that she'll have enough respect for you to TRUST you and your love for her. Explain to her that she DOES have the freedom to obey or disobey--to make the right choice or the wrong one-- but that she does NOT have the ability to avoid the consequence. Her choice will automatically have a good or bad consequence. She's CHOOSING to be punished when she CHOOSES to break the rules. She CHOOSING to have her phone, her "freedoms", her car, etc when she CHOOSES to obey and make wise choices.
Sorry for the novel-- I'm so passionate about this. But I promise you-- you're doing the right thing. Hang in there sweety-- I know this is hard. She may still rebel... if she does, just be there to comfort her when she finally falls. Not with an "I told you so" but a "I love you and I'll help you get through this".
SOMEONE has to show her the RIGHT way-- who better than her mother?

T.

Hi K.,
well where should I start...
I understand about the sex thing but the only thing I can tell you is just be there to pick up the pieces when she gets her heart broken, be there when she needs her mom.
You need to have the conversation and I'm both of you don't want to go there but sex, pregnancy, "the pill", std's, aid's. She may not be an "adult" but she's close enough.
I got pregnant at 15 I asked my mom to put me on the pill and she said no that would be giving me permission. I told her permission or no permission it would happen at some point (a year later, after this talk)I wasn't the one sneaking out, or getting bad grades or doing drugs. plain and simple love took over we are still together to this day and 4 kids later. do I want that for my kids no not at all but I see where my mother and father could of made the difference.
Also where there is will there is a way. I understand you don't want her to see this boy but you are pushing her that direction. It is in my opinion that you need to have control but sometimes you just got to let them take control of their own lives and hope the hell you armed them with knowledge.
I have 2 daughters and when time comes both will be put on the pill if they choose to be, not by age but personal choice.
Communication is the key you are saying I'm the parent and she's sayin I don't care I'm gonna do what I want wether you like it or not.
Tell her she can only see him when you are there, she has to ask first. Tell her he has to come for dinner a couple nights a week.She cant leave the house with him for any reason I should behind walmarts good for alot of thing's. There's only one thing that boys this age want and if you don't give them the chance he will move on to someone that will give it up more easily and the parents don't know. make all these rules out ahead of time have this talk. You are at the crossroads also 2 doors pick one pick the wrong one and you can never go back.
P.S. I don't blame my mother I was in total control of my own life. but she said that i could talk to her about anything. And all she ment was anything that was ok with her to talk about with me and didn't make her uncomfortable. I am begging you talk, talk, talk tell your ears fall off. W. mom of 4
Take the high road on this on you will be better off in the end.

I would ground her for a week or two. I would allow her to see the boy with your supervision such as he can come over when you are home to watch a movie or dinner something like that. I would not let them go out on a date. I would make sure she understood in order to see him with your supervision, her grades needed stay in good standing and her behavior would need to improve. I would make sure they both understood what you will and will not allow. I would also make sure they both understood that a physical relationship would not be tolerated.I remeber what it was like growing up and my mom did the same things you have and it did not stop me. If my mom had allowed me to see this boy, I probably would have seen him for what he really was....not good for me. When my mom said no, it just made me more determined to prove her wrong and I wasted 3 years of my life. I am grateful that I did not make any hugh mistakes with this boy but it sure would have made things easier if my mom would have just been there for me and let me see him for what he really was.
Good Luck!

Unfortunately when teenagers hear the word no, they automatically take offense and get hostile and do the opposite of what you want. I do not have teenagers yet, but remembering from when I was a teen, I can tell you what would have worked for me. Invite him over for family nights so you can get to know him. Invite him over to play games or watch movies with the family, or go to the park or have a picnic. Have it supervised and maybe later if you start feeling more comfortable with him because you know him better, then you can slowly go unsupervised visits in your living room. I would tell her your plan of getting to know him better and bring up any concerns to your daughter you may have about him. Keep the communication open and do not bring it to her in a hostile, blaming type way. Don't pick him apart either, express his good qualities too so she can see you're trying. I understand about the age problem. There are some boys and girls out there that are trust worthy though. Be open with him too and tell him your concerns. Have an adult conversation with them together and maybe apart too. I agree that she is clearly too young to be dating especially when he will be 18 soon, but maybe you'll get lucky and he'll think the chaperoning is too weird or not worth it and he'll leave. And who knows, maybe the chaperoning will last for a year or two :)

K., I understand the need to make sure your daughter is protected and behaving properly. However, when I was 15 and my parents told me not to do something, I did it anyway. I was the girl with the good grades, involved in youth group and sports, but I was wild. Some kids are just strong willed. Please make sure you are both communicating, and set boundaries. Absolutely forbidding the relationship will get you nowhere fast. I agree with the other moms, supervising their time together is a great way to go. Also, if she keeps disregarding you, take away priveleges, like track meets, that would otherwise allow for her to be unsupervised with him. Make sure she realizes that she has to EARN your trust back, and it's no easy process. Best of luck to you!

K.,
A little advice, I was in the same situation when I was in high school, and the more my parents tried to push me away from him, the more I wanted to be with this guy. At that age, the more you make it a big deal and something that she can not do the more she is going to want to be with him. I would suggest you let them be together, supervised. Allow him to come over to your house when you are home. Allow them to talk on the phone for a certain time frame. If in fact this guy is bad news, your daughter will eventually find out and let him go. You have to allow her to make her own mistakes, and let her know that you are there for her.

N.

Since you can't keep them apart, have you considered encouraging them to be together? I know that's not what you had in mind, but often with teenagers they choose mates based on who their parents will dislike the most. I was never a rebellious teenager, but my mother let me do a lot that I shouldn't have been doing at 15 or 16. You can't control your daughter and I would think that the last thing you want to do is push your daughter away. I think a 2 year difference isn't that bad. So he's a senior and she's a sophomore or junior right? That's normal high school stuff. Have you met this boy? If you haven't you might want to give him a chance, he may surprise you. If it were my daughter, I would meet the boy first then make a decision based on him. Is he in school? Does het get decent grades? After school job? Does he participate in sports? Does he look or smell like he does drugs or drink? And most importantly how does he treat your daughter? You can't keep your daughter from doing what she's going to do, the only thing you can do is open up the lines of communication and hope she'll talk to you about what she is doing.

I am not agreeing with the dating behind your back or the hickey(I was hoping those things were out of style by now) or the boyfriend. I don't completely know the situation and if there is violence, but would it be easier if you were more in control of the situation. If you allowed her to date him and were able to set the rules of where and when. Then she wouldn't be sneaking. I do know that when I was 15 I dated a 17 yr old. We will be married for 10 yrs this July. I know that 99% of the time it doesn't end this way, but I would try to be in control of the situation instead of letting the situation control you.

You are going to get a lot of advice on this issue. Let me first say that only you can decide how you want to handle it and there are no guarantees that anything you do will keep her out of trouble. That's the bad news. The good news is that they really do survive this time in their life.

I've been through this 3 times and all 3 of my girls have given me a rough time in one way or another. The oldest 2 (20 & 22) are having sex before marriage and both of them are in committed relationships with their first and so far only sexual partners. I guess I should be happy they aren't sleeping around. In a way I am. But, I can do NOTHING about what they end up doing or not doing. I believe that we do all our teaching and training long before now. It's at this stage that we can only try as hard as we can to get them graduated from highschool not pregnant, not with AIDS and not drug addicted.

All that said, here's what I've done. I gave in on the dating issue. I never thought I would allow my girls to date. But once I realized that the whole issue can be a deal breaker and that there is a real danger of messing up our relationship forever, I compromised. They have all been allowed to bring boys to the house. They can hang out together with the door open to their room and only because their room is just a few steps from the main living areas and I can chaparone. They may go to a movie if I am with them. They may go to a dance if I drop them off and pick them up. They may sit at a local restaurant if I drop them off and pick them up. You get the jist I'm sure. As long as they are not alone, riding in cars etc., they can date. It's not like I'd stop them anyway! They'd find a way, sneak out of the house and develop way too much anger and resentment if I didn't give them something they can live with.

Mind you, they still HATE it! Sometimes they seem ok with it. I think it especially helps when I'm the one usually forking out the money for certain activities. I'll take them to World's of fun, pay for restaurants, movies etc. I do allow them to run around WOF without me on their heels as long as we meet at various points throughout the day so that I know they aren't taking off and joy riding in cars.

There's never going to be any easy answer. I don't believe we should allow them to just run. But I'm starting to question my thinking about this issue in a big way. I'm starting to wonder if the Amish don't have it right :)

Suzi

Well, I certainly understand that you want the best for your daughter and that you want to protect her. She is at the age where she will do what she wants, she is asserting her independence right now. Having a boyfriend isn't necessarily a bad thing at her age, but she does need to have limits on how much time she spends with him (especially ALONE) and under what conditions. Try inviting him over for dinner with you and your family once a week, or invite him along on family outings. That way she can spend time with him, but you can also be in the loop of what they are doing together. Now, you know she is old enough to sneak out and get some alone time with him: you've got to honestly and openly explain to her the value of protecting herself and her body. And also, I don't know if she's involved in extracurricular activities at school or church, but get her involved! The busier she is the less chance she'll have of getting into trouble with her boyfriend, and you said she gets good grades so it shouldn't affect her schoolwork to get her into some activities. In my own personal experience when I was in h.s. it seems the kids that didn't play sports or music or theater were the ones that got into things like drugs or ended up pregnant. And probably because they were BORED and made poor choices to stay amused! I don't know if you attend church or not, but when I was in h.s. I was involved in a great youth group at my church. And it was good for me to get a spiritual perspective on relationships and other stuff too, aside from what I was taught at home by my parents. It adds another dimension to hear that God values you and wants the best for you and has set expectations or boundaries in order to protect you. Good luck with your daughter. Whatever you do keep the communication lines between you and her open, she needs to know that even is she messes up big time she can still come to you for help.

You need to stress to your daughter that you trust her and you care for her and if this is a relationship that is meant to be that it will come when she is old enough. You can raise your children the best you know how. But you have to accept the fact that THEY will make their own choices. Another fact is maybe you should take her to the doctor for birth control, and then give her more responilbilies around the house, and let her know that if she going to make adult decission in life then she will carrie out more adult responibilites. Maybe that will slow her roll. Best of luck and May God keep you strong.

After posting this, I saw that you had resolved it. I will however leave my response as it may help others who might be having the same issues. SO HAPPY for you and your daughter!!

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I remember being 15 and anything my mother forbid me to do, I did. I think most teenagers are that way. That is how I got pregnant at 15. I have a 16 yr old daughter now. It hasn't been easy, but I hope that I have handled this issue better than my mom.

I know it is scary to think of your baby girl growing up and having physical relationships with boys, but it is going to happen.

My best advise is to never forbid her to do anything. Sit down and talk to her like you would a friend. Tell her how you feel & why you feel that way. Tell her you love her and trust her and you will let her make her own decision. Also let her know that you are there if she needs you.

You need to make sure she is aware that even if she thinks she is in control and doesn't plan on having sex. Boys can be very convincing and your hormones tend to take over. So let her know that if she feels like her relationship with this boy is getting to that point, she can come to you and you will help her to get birth control. Tell her it is nothing to be ashamed or scared to talk to you about. Don't lecture. Just do it. I wish my mom had. My life would be alot different!

i know that you have already heard this a dozen times from the other moms but here goes. when i was 14 i was dating a guy who was 18. i was a freshman he was a senior. my mom had died when i was very young and my older sister was pretty much the only influence in my life because my dad did not know what to do with 2 girls. when my sis was 17 and i ws 13 she got pregnant. i spent the next 5 year payin for her mistake. while she was out partying and being with her friends (at this piont my dad had basically given up on her makin any right choices and just let her do what she wanted) i stayed home and took care of her son and an lmost daily basis. even when i was dating the 18 year od i usually only saw him at school and the ouple of times i managed to get my sis to take care of my nephew ore he was at his grandmas house. i thought i as in love and since my dad had no idea what to do he never flat out said no i couldnt see the guy. (but he also never stopped my sister from making me stay home with the baby) i didnt really lastlong with him at that point but funny yet true story 7 years down the road (3 years ago) i ran into him at an office i worked at and we started dating again. he bacame the dead bet dad of my now 2 year old. i wish my dad had stopped me when i was 14 but i know i wouldnt have listened because 2 years later when i was 16 i was dating a 22 year old and my dad did try that time. my dad went out oftown one weekend i told him i was going to stay with a girlfriend and wound up over at my boyfriends house staying the weekend. dad came home and found out at i proceeded to be grounded from halloween to christmas. but it didnt stop me. i wasnt allowed on the phone i couldnt go to my girlfriends house i could do anything. i was actually grounded to my room and couldnt come out except food drink and bathroom. but it didnt stop me . he still came up to the school during lunch and i still talked to him via notes through his little brother. after a while i came to my senses and realized he was so completely wrong with me and the only reason i was with him was to upset my dad. when i was 17 almost 18 i met who i thought was the man of my dreams my dad hated him but would never tell me why. we never talked about why. 6 months afer i turned 18 i ran away to another state with my byfriend because i thought that was the only way id ever be able to be with him. i was engaged to him for 4 years. and i never realized how bad he was for me until i found out he was cheatng on me. i ended it right then and there cried over him for about 2 months and then realized the only reason i had stayed with him was because it made my dad angry.

the moral of the story.....whether you try to stop her or not is not going to make a lick of difference. tell her no and she'll want it more tell her its okay she'll eventually realized he's terrible for her and stop seein him... once she gets hurt. either way teh only thing you can do (and it would have helped me and my sister so much if our dad had done this) the only thing you can do is TALK TO YOUR CHILDREN. explain your reasons but she is 15 and come hell or high water she will so what shewants. its best to make sure she knows your feelings and that there wil be consequences but that she should tell you or ask you about anything she is wanting to know or do. open conversation dont be afraid to use the big scary words. it will help her realize that its all natural and is nothing to be embarrassed about and that you truely want to help her through the god and the bad. and i 100% agree with the moms who said to involve the boys parents and allow SUPERVISED visits either at your house or his parents if they are on your side. or family outings. in fact the greatest thing you can do is not just inite him to your family outings but invite his parents too. then you and hs parents will all be on the same page of what is acceptable in the relationship. onc they have respectully and responsibly agreed to and fllowed through with this situation than begin allowing them to go out side witout you or for walks without you and eventually and very slowly all of tis taking at least a year hey can finally go out on their first full night all by themselves date. and all the while make sure they know that you may pop in on them at any time to "check up" on them. but lay down the ground rules with our daughter. tellher she gets to make a choice between three things. 1)take your compromise and be happy with it, 2)dont take the compromise and never see the boy again or 3) dont take the compromise see the boy any ways behind your back and when you find out about it she will have to suffer the consequences not to mention the guilt of having to lie to her mother and having to keep up with those lies. (stress those parts)
sorry for the length but this is what i wished my dad had done for me. maybe i wouldnt be a single mom of 2 at 24 well at least i held out till i was 22 to get pregnant.

good luck and just remember you can be her mom and her friend because moms make the best fiends.
love steph

My daughters are not 15 yet, but you have to stand your ground. You can do it and it is for her not you that you are doing it. Be encouraged that this is only a phase. If you give in you are taking the chance that she will make a bad decision and end up having to make other decisions to make up for that. Good luck and I will pray for you.

I was a rebellious teenager myself--I did a lot of bad things and made a lot of bad choices. I was lucky enough to come away relatively unscathed because my parents slapped me in a therapist's office. I was pissed at first, but it turned out to be the best thing they could have done for me. Your daughter is still very emotionally immature and is in a very compromising position. I think you should seek outside help to get her reigned in before she gets pregnant, gets an std, is seriously hurt emotionally (very easy with young girls who are having sex!) Take charge, woman! This boy and situation sound like bad news!!

NO DATING until you are 16 is a rule.
You are not a bad parent for setting it.
But your daughter needs to respect your decisions and your rules whether she agrees with them or not and that is part of life even when you are 18 and older.
Laws are made that we as adults must follow whether we agree with them or not. Same with those under the age of 18. You need to teach this lesson to your daughter.

If she breaks the rule, then there needs to be a consequence.
I would also recommend that when she is 16 and starts dating that you make sure there is adult supervision, or you may find yourself becoming a grandmother before your ready to be.

(I'm the mother of 3 teenage daughters [ages 19, 15, & 14] and was a teen mom myself at the age of 16.)

It is apparent that your daughter has put herself in a position of having her trust with you compromised. It is your job as her mother to make sure she arrives to adulthood live, safe, and a productive member of society. Now how that occurs might be a conflict between you and your child. You need to always remain as your child's parent moreso than your child's friend. Your child can always find friends, but you are her only mother. Do what is best for her as such. Remember that during the teen years, your daughter is going to try to test the waters a much as possible cause she is trying to find her independence and at that age doesn't always have the best insight of long-term effect of her decisions like you would have at your age, being her mother. Your job is to guide your daughter no matter how difficult she may become. If her boyfriend becomes a problem, you may have enforce thing with legal action...

To do this, talk to guidance counselor at school, a police officer, or an attorney on what can be done. Seek out community support.

Good luck! Sounds like you need it.

REMEMBER: RULES + Disapline + Consequences= Love

K.,

we all know that we can't tell them "not" to do something, because it is the first thing they will do! We can't tell them "to" do something. They will never do it. I think the trick is to talk to them like adults. (because thats what they think they are.) and in this talk you trick them into thinking that its is their own ideal to do the "smart thing!" talk about the future and who they want to be and how they are going to get there. Is this guy going to be able to take her there, and give her what she needs?
Their ages have nothing to do with anything. There are only three years between them. Yes he will be an "adult" first. But that is only a technicality really.
Maybe you could try to compromise and let her see the guy at home and church. That way you can have an influence on him as well to do the "smart thing!" the more your around them the more of an influence you'll have on them. The less sneaking around they will have to do.
He can't really do anything to her over the phone, and from what i understand it's more torture to the boy than fun anyway!
Maybe they could speak on the home phone. That way the family is around and they will at least watch what the say to each other.
As for the car. I believe you have to have two things to drive. Respect and responsibility. Both are earned through your actions. She doesn't seem to be showing either. There for she can not make a responsible driver.
I would tell this young man that if he disrespects you again he is gone for sure. The law will do that for you. If you catch him disrespecting your daughter the way he did to you, he is gone. The law will do that too! One chance, one chance only! No room for softies here!! You have to gain back your statice as leader of the pack.
I really hope this helps. Though i have no more experience than you. I have two boys. The oldest just turned 15 on april fools day.he also just started track. Ahhhh!! So i'm just starting to go through all that you are. I'm only on the other side. Thankfully!!! God knew what he was doing there! I wouldn't have done girls well. I would have been way over protective! If i was in your place i would have locked her in her room after i found her with the 16 yr old, and she wouldn't be coming out till she was forty!!!! Ok i'm just kidding!! But what can we do?
Like it or not we are at the time in our lives when we are going to have to start letting them go. Letting them think on their own, and to make their own mistakes. I hate it too! It's the worst part of being mom if you ask me!
You know in your mind that no one will ever be good enough for your little girl, so that is a decision you know that you will have to trust her to make on her own.
Good luck! Let me know how it goes.
God bless you and yours!
Your friend,
M.

I, Being only a mear 23, know what you are going through. I was just as insistant at her age and I actually ended up marring him...However it turned out to be a very big mistake. I was 18 when we got married and just a few short months later he turned his eyes towards other females closer to his age. The best advise I can give you is to rent movies about teen dating and preganancy that don't end in happiness. A good one would be 15 and pregnant. Teen pregnacy is a very serious matter. I was also in a group home with pregnant teens athough I my self was not pregnant, but seeing that opened my eyes very wide. You can get help by taking her to one of these group homes and allowing her to talk with some of the girls and get a real point of view about dating older guys...It really helped me and I'm sure it can help her. good luck!

Please tell me she is on birth control...because that is really the only thing YOU can control for sure unless you are going to lock her up daily and supervise her 24/7. I know she will do what she wants, if she had a hickey that means she is spending free time somewhere and you cannot make her choices for her...and it really sucks because this is a very stupid and irresponsible age! I'm sorry for what you are going through but this is the hardest part of raising a teen and you are doing the best you can...
I would definately try to find some kind of scare group, pregnant teens, people with stds, ect. to bring home the facts...people just don't believe the "BAD STUFF" can happen to them...

So what's more important, you being right or getting your daughter to stop fighting you and listen to what you have to say?
I understand what you are trying to do and why you are trying to do it. You want only what's best for you daughter and you want to keep her safe. And with some kids what you are doing would probably work. But what works with one person won't always work with another and the restrictions you are placing on your daughter aren't working. From what you have written it seems they are not only not accomplishing what you want: they are actively driving your daughter away from you.
You clearly don't think you daughter is old enough to make these decisions for herself. Maybe she isn't, but she is making them nonetheless. So the question here really is do you want to be involved in her decisions and be able to guide her and help her think things through. Or do you want her out there all by herself listening to a 17 year old boy as her primary source of guidance because she is either shutting you out, or having a knee-jerk reaction to do exactly the opposite of whatever you tell her she should do?

If you want her come to you for help and advice you are going to have to accept a couple of things. First, she may not agree with you and choose to do something else. This isn't necessarily a bad thing. If she actually -listened- to you then she at least has a clue what to look out for if things start going downhill. Second the decisions are actually hers to make. Is she really old enough to make them? Probably not. But it doesn't matter, she is making them anyway and short of locking her in her room and home-schooling her, you can't actually stop her.

After you decide what you really want to happen if you want advice (from me) on how to make it happen let me know. :) Oh, and double check those laws, many states would legally be OK with an 18yo and 15yo.

I also have a 15 year old she got pregnant at 14 and had him at 15 she is still in school i am helping raise my grandson she is young so is the father he was 15 at the time of the babys birth ( now because she is going to be 16 she wants to live with her boyfriend i told her ok just go to school i am doing to let her see it is not easy out there they r staying with his older brother they both need to get jobs ) you have to let her fall on her face and pick herself back up that is what i am doing to my daughter and she got a 4.10 score in school she is in 10th grade so i can relate to u

I totally understand your point of view. I dated an 17yr old when I was 14 and lost my virginity to this guy. I wish my parents would have stepped in and forbid me to see him but at that time I think that if they did (and they knew it) I would have rebelled against them. My mother took me at age 15 to get on the pill. I stayed with him for 4 yrs and thought I was going to marry him. Thank goodness I didn't!! My point is that if you push her she will push back, she has to figure this one out on her own. She will make mistakes but she is only human and she will need you to help her pick up the pieces after it is all said and done. I am not saying you should just let her do what she wants but if she is determined she will do it no matter what you do. I hope things work out in your favor good luck to you...

Wow, I can remember not that long ago when my dad told me I could not date, especially older guys. You know the more you try to keep her from him the more you are pushing her towards him. I hate to say this but it is true. I have been in her shoes. I wish I had something more encouraging to say to you.

I have two - four boys and I do my best to keep them in line when it comes to being girl crazy. But my oldest son found out that I didnt care for his girl friend and for a while he was more drawn towards her. Once I started to back off he finally started to see her for who she is. He didnt feel like he had to defend her to me anymore once I started to act like I didnt care.
I wish you good luck with her.

Hang in there mama! I have a 17 year old that is dating a now 20 year old. They started dating when she was 15 and he was 17. All I could think was,,,,"WTH?!" and "how do i make this male child disappear?" She had had one other boyfriend (who was her own age at least!) before this boy, so I figured I would stick to the same rules as before.

1) No dating until I knew this boy better, which led to rule 2

2) They were only allowed to see each other (unless in a group setting) at our house. This rule was non-negotiable and stayed in place for 8 months (she was 16 1/2 by then) : )

When they were finally allowed to go out alone, he knew that her mama could be around ANY corner. I've "checked up" on my daughter since she was allowed to go out with friends, and still do it to this day. Checking up means mom can, and frequently does, just show up. I've popped into movies, honked as I drove past swimming pools and offered cool drinks when stopping at the park. I've always told her that she's a great kid, good grades, polite and considerate, but that kids, teens especially, get a short circuit in the brain when set free. She knows that I'm not going to cause any unnecessary embarrassment as long as she's where she's suppose to be. Plus, my unexpected appearances also give her the perfect excuse to tell her friends to chill when they all want to go off and do something stupid. Anyway, my appearances have hopefully kept anything major (sex, grrrrr,,, has he disappeared yet?) from happening and given me peace of mind.

P.S. I made myself seen 3 times during his prom and made sure I saw them 2 other times during the night,,, hey, better safe then a grandma or mama of a regretful girl child :o)

Good luck!

Dear K.,

Please stand firm on your postion with your daughter. I have a 10 year old daughter and in 5 years I could be me this could be happening to.

My little sister was your daughter, back a few years ago. She didn't listen to my mom, and at the age of 17 she was sent to live with me and my husband. We called it "R. Boot Camp". I took time to listen to her, but she was still trying to lie to me and was rude and hateful some times. She was getting into trouble at school, (attitude) and she had friends that were up to go good. My sister got pregnant at 15 and at age 17. She did not have those babies.

Please be firm and try to make him (the BOY friend) go away.

I would not begin to say that what you are doing is wrong, because I do not have a teenage daughter. I however have been that teenager in her shoes with a very loving family environment. You attitude towards your daughters sexual exploration is normal. However the old phrase "if there is a will there is a way" comes to mind. Although no parent wants to believe that there child is or will be sexually active at a young age the fact remains that the harder you push her the stronger she will pull away. By restricting her in such a manner you are giving her more of a reason to defy you. That is what teenagers do. I am not saying you should condone her behavior. But I think that since you have already caught her in a "sexual" position before, I think it is more important that she has all the knowledge you can provide her about safe sex. By taking away her driving school and cell phone you have only challenged her to see if she can still have contact with this boy behind your back. The threat about him turning 18 and the law will only make her want him more because you are telling her that he is off limits in more than one way. I hope you understand I am not being judgmental about your parenting. If there was a right and wrong way god would have had us deliver an instruction manual after the child. I can tell you that my mom had the same reservations as you do now. She did however realize that I was going to do what I felt was right despite her. She was very open with me and discussed sex and birth control. As a result I made the mistake of having sex at 16 years old but I did not get pregnant or diseased. I did graduate from college and now am married with a child of my own. I feel I have succeeded well in life. Yes I do wish I would have waited for the right person before I had sex but it was something I had to figure out on my own. Now I hope I can inspire my child to wait but as they say teenagers will be teenagers.

no matter what we do or say they alway think they are right . so the only way u can do it is what i did with my son i let him see the girl but they were not left on they own . i then said to him why r u being the way u r he said cos i give him no freedom so i gave him same freedom then she try to it on with him i mean by that she tryed to have sex with him i walked in then i told her she was nvere to came back to my house he then found out that she was see same one other than him and he ended it so what i mean by what i am saying is that i gave them an inch and they took a mile so what u should do is what u think is right not what others think as we all have our ways of bring up our kids what is the right way as if we take everthing off them they fight us if we go a long with it and when it go's wrong they still fight so no matter what we are always wrong when it came's to our baby's

i am a mother who was in the exact same position as your daughter just a few years ago. my mother tried her hardest to keep me away from the boy i was eeing and it only made it much worse. i found that the only thing that helped was an in home therapist, who worked with my mother and I. we realized that all of our problems were not about this boy, but many other things as well. both of us were intially opposed to the idea, but in the end a third party was very helpful and turned out to have kept things from getting much worse.

Ahh to be young and in love, lol. I remember this age well. My mom sounds just like you. I was not allowed to date until I was 16 as well, but I also had a boyfriend that was a little older than me at that age. Every parent who has a little girl is going to go through this. This is the stage in her life where she is curious about her sexuality and wants nothing more than for this guy to love her unconditionally. Now, I don't know if you are married or not, but this sounds like a need for attention from a man. If she doesn't have a father figure in her life, then it's time for you to step up and talk to your daughter, not yell at her or to be stern. Here is the thing about teenagers... if you tell them no, they just want to do it even more. It's thier way of testing the boundaries between you. Have you sat down with her and talked about sex and all of the consequences? It's very important that you do that. You said you didn't have a good role model as a kid, so why don't you give your daughter a good one to look up to? Take a day off work and go shopping with her. Tell her she can open up to you and tell you everything, including how she feels about this boy. The fact of the matter is, she is no longer a little girl, she's becoming a young adult. She needs someone to talk to. You should take every chance you get to spend some time with her. Not only will you become closer, you are also taking this time away from the boy. If he truly care for her and isn't just trying to get into her pants, then this won't bother him at all. If it's the other way around, she will notice that he has no interest in her as a person and it might steer her in the other direction. Is she involved in anything other than track? You might want to let her try other things to keep her busy. You might see if she would like to try babysitting to earn a little extra cash. Taking away all her privaliges isn't going to solve the problem. It will only make her more resentful of you and she will want to do everything you tell her not to. I'm not saying that you should be her friend, because you are her mom, but being more open to her and everything going on in her life right now could be better. I did the same thing at her age and I wish now tht my mom had been more open with me. Reguarless of what you do, Good Luck and God Bless!

WOW-you started firestorm w/ this question!!

Definately you are on the right track. She is so young to start such rebellion. The scary thing is that the boy sounds very disrespectufl and that's the last person you want near your child. I would contact the school as well as his parents and let EVERYONE know that they are NOT to be together.

I have to ask..is Dad in the picture? Sounds like she has really searched for male attention from a young age? I would do what you had to to get a hold of this situation. Even if it's having a family member or friend sit w/ her while you are not home. You only have one shot at raising her right and she's headed down a defiant path already!!

Stand your ground on this one!! She is far to young to date ANYONE let alone someone older....and more experienced!!

DO NOT GIVE AN INCH!!! I was in her position about ten years ago and my parents didn't do anything to really prevent my behavior. As an adult and a parent now, I really wish that they had. I know that it's going to be hard but you can't let her see that boy. If I were in you position, I would call the parents of the boy and the administration at your daughter's school and let them know the situation. You need as many allies on your side as possible. No after school activites. No movies with friends, unless you drive her. Pull out all the stops to let her know that you are in charge and that you aren't going to budge. Be strong!! You are the adult!! You are the parent!! You know what is best!! Do NOT give in just because she is mad at you. Trust me.... I was her and I really do wish my parents had put their foot down. Boys are the enemy and can ruin her life.

I think you are absolutely doing the right thing. Whether she realizes it or not, you are looking out for her best interest. She has so many other things to focus on right now. Risking becoming pregnant shouldn't be one of them. I wasn't allowed to date until I was 16, and for good reason. My mom was, is, and always will be smarter than me, and even when I thought she knew nothing about my life and how things were with kids my age, she was still always right. She could tell which of my friends were bad friends from the minute she met them. Your daughter will continue to fight you on it, but don't budge your position. Otherwise, if anything bad happens to her, you will blame yourself for not doing more to protect her. Find ways to keep her busy after school if you can so that she doesn't have time to do everything she wants. If she is this defiant already, check up on her more. If she says she's going to a friends' house, call the friends' parents beforehand to make sure they know about it, and that she isn't lying to you. She really does need to earn your trust back at this point. Just stick to your decision no matter what she says to you, or how much she acts like she hates you. She'll get over it, I promise. I know I did with my mom, and I respect her so much more now for caring what went on with me.

K.,

What Tracy K. said....I totally agree....couldn't have said it better. If you want my opinion, read her response again. Stay strong!!!! I am the mother of a 15 year old boy (not allowed to date either), and if he ever talked to a girls parents in that way, his hiney would be introduced to leather, 15 or not. She's your daughter, you can't replace her. Stay strong!

Prayers for all our teens,
Beth