Teenagers and Dating

I'd start with "group" dating scenarios. After responsible attitudes and values were shown in that situation I'd move on to "double" dating...THEN perhaps dating alone. I think the transition must be a slow one.

I think 16 is a good age, especially if they have both shown themselves to be trustworthy. Honestly, if she plans on doing anything inappropriate, being on a double or group date won't help. It it very easy to stray from the other people in the group. If you trust her then I say give it a shot, just keep an eye on her and maybe even do a little snooping if you have to:-) My mother did and at 24 with a child of my own, I understand why!! Good Luck!

You will find that in this day and age that there are so many different takes on the teen dating issue. Even in the Christian community. I am a married mom with 4 children, ages 25,21,17, and 12. This is the policy that my husband and I agreed on when our oldest was very young. No dating! We encouraged group activities, no double dating, always in a group and with an adult present until they were at least 16 or 17. Our kids were not allowed to "car date" until they are 18. My daughter who is now 21 and out on her own still says she prefers group outings to one on one dating. She says it is just more fun and then she is never put in a position of being alone with a guy so there is never a question of having to be in a position she doesn't want to be in. Our son who is 17 has made the decision not to date any one exclusively but to have friends to hang out with and talk to. Now I know not every one will agree with our dating philosophy but there is so much temptaion these days to have sex that the more we parents help our children stay out of situations where they could make the wrong decisions, the better off they will be. Even the best of kids can buckle under pressure. And they are children and we are parents and we have the right to make those decisions for them. God gave them to use to guide, teach and protect. If they were capable of making adult decisions at 15 and 16 then there would be no need for parents! Pray continuously for guidance and discernment and God will show you the right things for you and your family. You have to decide what is best for you and your children and stand tough! I will be praying for you and your children

I would talk to his parents and see what their take is on the whole thing. Definitely encourage the dating a Christian guy.

After working with youth for over 20 years, and also having older teens of my own, you might want to ask her what they want to get out of relationship alone in a car and on a date that they can't get in a group setting, at church activities, etc. Just because both are Christians does not mean that they are immune from hormones. Our teens read the books "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" and "Boy Meets Girl" by Joshua Harris, and our youth pastor was so impressed with it that he has begun to show the video curriculum each year, along with "Sex Has a Pricetag" by Pam Stenzel. It isn't so much about dating, but about giving their hearts away. Both of our teens know that they can have good friends of both sexes, spend time developing Godly relationships without the pressures of worldly dating. This gives them time to focus on schoolwork, friends, and most importantly, their relationship with God. It is working really well in our family, and in others that we know who have chosen this path as well.

I see that you have a lot of responses already. I just wanted to share with you something my parents did with me that you might consider. I have known my husband since we were about 8 years old! But of course we were just friends then. :) And then pen pals when his family moved away. Around 16 is when it started to get to a deeper level, but we did not start dating until 17. We actually didn't term it dating, but rather "courting." Anyway, what was a great help to us was that when we first decided to start pursuing our relationship onto a deeper level we were encouraged to sit down with his parents and then with my parents and present to them a list that we had made of our boundaries. Our parents helped some to make this list, but for the most part it came from us. Which meant of course, that it was our commitment to follow it. The list was very specific. For example, holding hands was allowed, but not while sitting. No kissing. We said we'd never be alone together (in a room sometimes, but a public one or one near where other people were). Anyway, it doesn't matter as much what goes on the list, but that we made one and committed to stick to it. We even revised it a few times through our dating years to be even stricter as we felt the need. We dated for 3 years, so I think it helped us to last that long.
Anyway, even if if you don't use that exact idea, I would encourage you to place the main responsibility in their hands as I think perhaps that is what encourages them to stick to their ideals. But also they need to choose someone (most likely you and your husband to keep them accountable to it). Of course it also depends on the people involved, but I'm assuming from your post that your daughter is pretty trustworthy. Oh, and I think dads always have a hard time with the men their daughters date. LOL To a certain extent, there will never be anyone good enough for them.
M.

Hello,
Your daughter has been blessed with caring, wise and protective parents. You are to be commended for not following the trend of early dating. A terrific book to read, and maybe have your daughter read is Why I Kissed Dating Goodbye by Josh Harris(?). I think your husband's reluctance to allow your daughter into more traditional dating is understandable and wise- he would find great support in this in Why I kissed Dating Goodbye. As for double dating, I personally don't think it is a terrific solution either- as this could backfire if the other couple is involved in things you don't want for your daughter. Group settings and church activites or supervised time at your home might be the best- it other words, staying with your current policies. Your daughter is so blessed to have parents who protect her as the precious treasure she is. Once again, Why I Kissed Dating Goodbye is a balanced and eye opening resource on the subject of dating. Blessings, R.

My daughter will be 16 in August, and she has the same situation you describe with her boyfriend. Thankfully, my daughter and I have had lots of frank discussions, and she's had the benefit of church youth leaders she admires and respects. (A couple of years ago, she said, "My youth leader says the only kind of kisses boys and girls should give each other are chocolate." She thought it was great at the time.) We've had some rather blunt discussions on appropriate and inappropriate contact - don't touch anything that would fit in a swimsuit - and about how difficult it is to resist temptation in the heat of the moment. That said, the opportunities for high-risk situations are much less when teens are in groups. Oddly enough, they see this as fun, and for now, they don't seem to feel cheated out of one-on-one dating. The group thing eliminates many awkward conversation moments (more people to think of things to say) and gives everybody a chance to know each other better. Thankfully, my daughter and her boyfriend also don't mind family outings - his parents, me, and both siblings (his sister, her brother) went to a movie. It's been a great experience so far. I'm not so naive that I think it'll be this easy forever, but as a start, I think it's been a great opportunity for her to learn safe dating basics without a lot of stress. I hope you find a "comfort zone" with your young one.

You could go to the old southern way of courting and have in house dates for a little while. Double dating is a doubled edge sword in my opinion. They need to make their own decissions on what is the right/wrong and you can remember what PEER pressure is. With Double dating these days that will just give you 4 teenage minds to worry about instead of just the two. Knowing what their plans are and setting a time for her to be in the drive way is also good. Teenagers need time to talk with each other and sitting in the drive might discourage a little less, but do set a time for her to be in the house to. I'm hoping you have had a long talk with your daughter already about dating and guys, if not now is the time. Woman to woman, tell her about the good guys and the badboys, what life could be with each. Talk to her about her personal goals to.
Knowledge is the key and let her talk freely, so you can guide her through her teenage years, if not her friends will. There is more going on out there than when we were their age. Your husband is worried for good reason, he remembers what it is like to be a sixteen year old boy! lol

I have been told my advice is off the wall, but here it is anyway. Good Luck!

I have a 21 year old who started dating her boyfriend 2 months before she turned 15. First of all, they called it dating, however, they were not allowed to actually go anywhere alone until she turned 16. We had already established this rule before she met him. Since there was a whole year before they could actually go on a date alone, he spent alot of time at our house and she spent some time at his (when his parents were home). We took advantage of this time to talk to them often about sex and college and that individuals should wait until after marriage to have sex (that this is part of God's plan) and that we also believed that individuals should wait until after college to get married. While I think the "talks" embarrassed them, I think they listened. We also kept close tabs on them and talked often about not placing themselves in a position where the opportunity to have sex was even an option. He graduated from college in May, she will graduate in December and they are getting married in April.

We also made him call me to ask me if he could take my daughter on her first date. On that phone call, I reminded him that she was my treasure and that I expected him to treat her as such. I told him that I had no reason to think that he would violate my trust, however, that this was the first time I was going through the experience of my daughter having her first date and I wanted to be honest with him about my fears and how I felt.

I just tell you this story to encourage you that all can work out fine. I would just encourage you to stay VERY involved with their relationship. At 16, they really don't even know what it means to be in love, however, they think they do. I think they respect you being honest with them. We let them know our fears and the consequences of those fears if they allowed them to come true. I know it is sometimes uncomfortable to talk to kids about these things, however, I think it really helped that we talked to him too (not just her).

Good luck!

C., it sounds like maybe your daughter has a pretty good head on her shoulders. It's so hard, especially with the first child, but at some point you have to trust your daughter to make the right decisions about her dating life. Hopefully you have talked with her about the values in her life that are non-negotiatable.....and if this young man has the same values, etc. i'm not saying to just turn her loose but you do have to allow her to make some choices. As parents we simply hope that the choices they make aren't detrimental to their well being or their future. I have 2 boys, both raised in a christian home with the same values. One made some semi-crazy choices and the other hasn't they are 28 and 21 now and both are great young men. You pray a lot and stand firm in the rules of the house. 16 isn't too young to start doing some going out, but you still control how often, how many kids in the outing and where she goes. Remember whatever you do with this one will set the standard for the second dauther....good luck, R.

Double Triple Quadruple DATE... ONLY!!! I have a 21 girl (had baby last year-passed away at 7 months), 18 girl (just got married & got pregnant first week), 17 son, 11 girl & 9 daughter. I believe I was to liberal with my 21 year old, got a little stricter with my 18 year old.. not enough. So my 11 & 9 year old... sorry but I'm even going to be stricter. (my son lives with his father far away)

My two oldest experienced things they should not have and would not have if I would have said "no" for them. Sometimes that is really what they want parents to do ... say "no" so they don't have to.

Anyway - those are my thoughts. Make sure you talk to your daughter about sex.. etc.. don't assume she knows all about it and what can happen.. etc.. aids, hiv, unwanted pregnancy. Tell her if she can't say No then USE A CONDOM! I'm a grandma almost twice and not even 40 yet.

At some point you have to decide to trust them. You've taught her your values and I assume that his parents have taught him similar ones. You've known him for two years, and you've apparently spent enough time with him to form a postive opinion of him.
It sounds like these two have earned your trust. Let them date.

I know what you mean about the whole dating thing. My daughter is 18 and has went to prom on her first date this year. Not a easy feeling. The main thing is do you trust your daughter and the boy. And talk to your daughter about trust and the importantous of trust between you. The fact is children grow up no matter what we do but if we do our job right as parents than when they make a mistake they feel comportable coming to us for help and trust us to tell us.

At 16 we would only let our daughter go out with groups of at least 6 poeple they all didn't have to be couples. But the more poeple the less likely that sex would happen. In the town that she grow up in that wasn't a problem in getting 6 poeple to go to the movies or bowling or to the coffee shop.
But now that she is getting ready for collage I am more uneasy about it. So together we are in the same boat.

C.,
It is a fact of life... At some point in life they grow and all we can do is pray that we did our job as parents=)You guys have had 2 years to get to know the young man and approve of him and he (nor she).
If the subject comes up discuss the option of group dating. Have them go out to a group activity. Miniature golf, a trip to the mall, a quick dinner and a movie, a school related activity...somewhere she could bring her sister or a group of friends along...

C.,

I was not allowed to date until I was 16 but didn't really get started until I left home and was around a different group of boys. I think as long as you and your husband feel this is a good match, dating at 16 would be ok. If they are both responsible and you put a few limitations on where they can go, what time to be back, etc, you shouldn't have too many problems.

K.

Hi, Chrisitina

This is not advice just personal experience from a daughter's point of view. I met my husband of almost six years when I was fifteen, ten years ago this month! Whew! Didn't realize how long it had been, anyway, we both had made decisions not to date before we met each other. We wanted to wait until we met "the one" before we went out with anyone. He is older and had dated throughout highschool, whereas I had one boyfriend but no dating before him. My parents had told me I could date when I turned sixteen but my dad was not prepared for all that so my now husband and I decided we would court until my parents were more comfortable with the idea. We never went anywhere without one of our parents or a large group of friends. On my seventeenth birthday, the day after his 23rd, we went on our first date just the two of us. We of course still had rules to follow, but we did. Almost three years later we were married and we now, almost six years later, have two beautiful children, ages 4 and 1. Like I said, no advice just personal experience!

C., I am 48 years old and way back then my age to date was 16. I am raising my daughter with that same age stipulation. In today's time you have to be so careful. Your daughter is already going to the boy's house, so you have some trust there already. I say as long as she knows that you trust her and you know that she will do nothing to betray your trust show her that trust. Just be open, honest and straight up with her. The best in handling your situation. GOD BLESS

C.
If they are comfortable with the arrangement for now, I say leave it alone. I think double dating at 16 is the way to go, with an appropriate curfew. Apparently he does not have a drivers license yet, so wait until he does. Keep her Christian values high, enforce rules and curfews, and you will be ready to let her go on that first date, when the time is ready. As parents we will always worry, no matter what. It sounds like both families have good Christian values, and that is an absolute plus for the young kids of today. I have a 12 year old daughter, being raised by a single parent{husband deceased}, in a Christian home, and I know I will worry when dating starts. It is hard to let go of the control we have as LITTLE ONES. We just want to always protect them.

Good Luck
S. Miller

C. I also have two children a 17 yr old boy and 8 yr old girl All you can really do is pray for her and let her know u trust her and she can talk to you about anything I think when she hits 16 she should be ready for a litle indapendence just also let the young man know the respect you require for her If he is a true christian young man he will understand Pray Hard and Belive

Well, I remember from my youth that our Church (and family) standards were: no dating until you're 16, and then group dates. Single dating was discouraged until one was old enough to consider marriage, i.e. until at *least* 18. Although for some things, like formal events, single dates were okay, but I still had to be home by a certain time, and usual behavior standards were still held.

My dad had a terrible time adjusting to me being old enough to date and wear makeup, so I didn't go out much. But, looking back, I don't think it harmed me. Moving very slowly into the realm of one-on-one dating I think kept me away from a lot of temptation, and now I'm married to a wonderful wonderful guy. He didn't have as much supervision when he was a teen, and ended up doing things he regretted. So, just remember that teenagers are foolish, and teenage males especially (much as we love our men), and don't encourage them to be in situations they may not have the maturity to deal with.

Good luck!

i would beware of double dating as a way of keeping them from doing anything, depending on the other couple it might backfire....

You could try a family date, to get your feet wet...make it special, you and dad with the two of them go out for dinner and a movie maybe dress up like prom or something for her birthday ect...
Maybe an old fashioned chaperon type situation, where the chaperon is as invisable as possible?
I don't know, its a scarey road you are on, a time of trust and hope...I don't even want to think about my daughter dating...EVER!

My personal take on double-dating is that it can actually be worse ("come on baby, they're doing it..."). Have they had any chaperoned dates - trip to mall, movies, restaurant, etc. - where the adult is in the vicinity but not under foot? They're both also getting to the age where trust could be the best medicine. If they're mature and responsible kids, they'll do the right thing regardless. If they're not, it wouldn't matter to them where they are anyway - 100 miles away or in your house. Try to keep the communication open, and help to steer them down the best path. :}

There are a growing number in our church who don't allow dating until the guy is working and able to be a head of a household. Even then going off alone somewhere is discouraged.
Even the nicest kids can bite off more than they can chew. When you get over the initial shock and think about it, it makes sense. Dating's purpose is to find a spouse, and if you aren't ready for a spouse, it is too early to date.

I feel that it's not the question if you need to or not right now. What I mean is advice from other could be good or bad. I think that it needs to be a decision between you and your husband. If you make the decision alone and say if something happens (sex for instance) then you might or will have problems with your husband and you getting all the blame. I don't think you need to cause a feud between your marriage all alone. You both need to come to a agreement and set the rules that way neither one of you are to be at blame. Now to her dating or not the question is do you and her have trust issues. Remember if she is going to get into any kind of trouble she is going to do it if you give her permission or not. Also remember you and her dad are the PARENTS not her. Good luck and God bless.

Where is it written you have to start dating at 16? My brother-in-law is from Michigan and his parents didn't allow their children to "date" until they were 18. You said the young man is a "great Christian guy" however, he is is flesh and bone like the rest of us. Maybe your husband and/or you should sit down and tell him what your expectations of dating are and how you are entrusting the daughter that you have so painstakingly protected to this point to go on a date with him and what the consequenses will be if that trust/protection is violated.
If you did let them double date it should probabley be with someone much older that wouldn't let them go off on their own.

A little about me: I'm 48 and have raised three sons, and am currently raising two small foster children. I have had them almost two years and have been asked to adopt them.

I think as a mom I flunk during the years my oldest daughters,( married now, 26, 28) were teens.
I dread that stage because I feel is the most challenging. One thing I did though and helped all of us to grow in our relationship as mother and daughter(s): we would talk, heart to heart. Sometimes they would not talk back, sometimes they would come back to mom with broken hearts. We faced so much together! I was a single mom raising my girls at the time. My Christian experience was important but I was also having my own ups and downs in my spiritual life. We learned to forgive each others faults and learn from our hardships.

In your case, you are blessed with a Christian family and your husband's support! I'm not going to repeat others comments here but I was wondering if your daughter asked you when she could go out on a "date". If she asked then many of the suggestions here can be apply. If she hasn't ask yet, then church activities, family activities might be okay for now. Keep the lines of communication open. I used to have one on one breakfasts with my daughters, time for each girl alone with mom. Alone the years those times paid off!

May God guide you!!! He is the best advisor...
a last word from one that has seen lots as a teacher and as a mother:
Extreme positions, don't work! (Too flexible or too strict, Christ is the perfect loving balance!)
From my heart, R.

First off, my girls are still babies, but I can still vividly remember being a teen with a boyfriend. It sounds to me you have a well adjustede, intelligent daughter who has found one of the rare young men who will treat her with respect. That said, I can tell you that Dad will stress more than you will, it's just a guy thing. My dad is a police officer and he would get a new grey streak with every date I went on. Set some ground rules for the date, sy where is appropriate, and what time she needs to be home, and everything should work out fine. I commend you for obviously being genuinely interested in your daughters life, and wish you the best.

Well, my suggestion would be this (I raised I raised 9 kids fairly successfully): Sit down with both of them and suggest group dates. Double dating with your parents is a big no-no. All my kids did the group thing - lots more fun they said - sharing those good times. Speak to the young man about his driving habits and explain your natural fears - he will respect you for treating him as an adult and you will get good feedback I think. Speak to both of them, if you haven't already, about parameters, etc. Good luck.

Hello, the rule in our house when I was growing up and now I enforce in my home as a parent is. You do not get to go anywhere unattened with a boy or a girl, till you turn 16, and you can drive. That was the dating rule at our house and will be mine. I also have a daughter who is younger than yours and she is boy crazy, she is asking to go places with her so called boyfriend, but I remind her she is not 16. I dont know if i helped much. Good luck everything will work out great.

If you feel comfortable around her boyfriend and if she has a friend you would trust her double dating with, I think that would be a great idea. I dated before 16, but it involved a group, me, my date and several other couples or single people going to the movies or to Miniature Golf, stuff like that, and then we would all end up at our Youth Ministers house playing games or just talking and eating (one of my now hubbies best friends was our youth ministers son and I was friends with the daughter).

I think that this is a very tough decision, but you should probably just let them go out. Give them a curfew and limit where they go. Its scary because you worry about their safety while they are gone, but sometimes teens can be safer than we give them credit for. "sometimes". My kids aren't that old yet 'Thank Jesus' but I do think about what I will do when that time comes for them and I really am not ready for it. Im not sure if I will be then either but I know that I have to learn to let go even if I don't want to and even if it hurts