Advice... I Want Your Opinion!

I would talk to the 14 yr old and 8 yr old and see what they have to say. I am confused about why they are sleeping in the living room. I think that maybe your 3 yr old might find a bit of security with his brothers. Maybe he is torn between being with mommy and being with his brothers. The divorce might be hard on him, but fortunately he has 2 other people who understand what he is feeling. Maybe he sleeps with his brothers while at dad's house? While it is not good that he isn't sleeping well, the fact that he isn't crying or having nightmares is good. I really think it's a security thing and he just wants to be with the boys because they are always at both places. Definitely ask the other 2 what they think. Also, you could try to ask questions to your 3 yr old. Questions that he can say "yes" or "no" to. He might not have the words to tell you, but I bet he understands what you are saying. Good Luck! I hope you find the answers for your little one!

Hi N.:
I think we can all agree that A divorce,is extremely difficult on everyone concerned.Whether it ended friendly,or home life was in a state of havoc,and this was the only resolve.As adults,we have a better understanding,of how to cope,and the ability to express our feelings more outwardly. We have family and friends,whom we can lean on.It's A way for one to release a lot of anger or sorrow they experience,during very stressful times like this.Most young Children,aren't mature enough,or have the ability,to discuss their inner most feelings. They possess the same feelings you do,but they tend to suppress those feelings,or they come out in other forms of expression,or actions.Children are their happiness and most comfortable in familiar surroundings.This is where they feel most secure.While the majority will agree,that its vital for the children's mental health and well being to continue A close relationship with their father,this regimen,of going from one home to another,can be confusing for them,and disruptive in their (Normal) lives or routines. They leave the security of their home,to go to another.They have to sort of condition themselves,to feel that same security at the other.They most likely have to learn a different set of rules at both,a different routine. While I never had to make such an adjustment myself growing up,I'd imagine its pretty crazy.It would appear,that your little one is sort of in a tug of war with himself.He wants to feel that security with you,be close when hes there,yet he doesn't want to lose that strong bond he has recently developed with his brothers,while at his dads house. He is trying to please you all,bless his heart. He wants you to know he still needs to be close to you,but he wants to be (one of the guys to) He's smart,because he knows that when goes back to dads,he needs them to be close,to feel secure.I'd try setting up all three boys in a room. One bunk and a single twin.If you haven't the room,try some blow up mats and sleeping bags and let the boys have a camp out in that room. This may make them all feel a little more settled while at your home. If your little guy wants to then come and snuggle with you,then that's great.It only makes him feel more secure.I wish you and your boys the best. J. M.

Great responses here....

I would also wonder, HOW your 3 year old sleeps when at his Dad's house??? What is the arrangement there, or their "routines" at night & their sleeping arrangements? Is he wandering around there too, in the middle of the night? Is he able to co-sleep there too, if he wants? Or does he have to sleep by himself? DO they have a REGULAR bedtime at his Dad's house or do they go to bed "whenever" and late? Does your 3 year old nap there? SOMETIMES... when there is a youngest child among many older children... they get, by default, ending up having to be on the same "schedule" as the older children... even though it is not age appropriate.
ALSO, what about TV shows? Is your 3 year old just being exposed to things that ALL the other older kids do.... even though he is ONLY 3 years old? Even a 'scary' TV show can scare a young child and/or stress them out for example.
-- I would see what kind of things your 3 year old is 'exposed' to at Dad's house. He IS the YOUNGEST of all the children... and he can't just be doing the same things as them or watching the same things or having the same play/sleep routines. Do you know what I mean? This can also tweak a young child...
-ALSO, well, you have an "un-official" Boyfriend in your home too... And, I'm sure, this affects your 3 year old, because he is in your bed too with "Mommy". And, maybe he feels displaced... and no where to go himself. Even if he goes in your bed to co-sleep with you, well, the Boyfriend is there. Personally if I was a little kid, I wouldn't want to sleep with Mommy "and" a boyfriend... unless he was my Daddy and I had a normal/good relationship with him. A child... co-sleeps for comfort and security... but, that has been changed for your 3 year old. EVERYONE in the house has a sleeping 'habit'... Except HIM. Your older sons are old enough to sleep on their own, Except him. But he actually has NO place to sleep... when he needs comfort or security or simply having night-time fears... its like playing musical chairs, except that your 3 year old has NO chair to sit on because they are all taken already.

I think, that the "every other weekend" at his Dad's house, is kind of a LOT... of having to switch gears for a young child. Can you yourself imagine, if you had to literally move house every other weekend? Would you sleep well that way or feel secure and settled? I know I wouldn't.

PLUS, at his Dad's house, there is a live-in Girlfriend, with her own son. HOW is that relationship? How is your 3 years old's "role" there and what is the "pecking order" in light of that...? Does the Girlfriend embrace/love your sons too, and treat them equally??? Does the Girlfriend's 6 year old son... integrate well with YOUR boys and visa versa? Do they ALL get along normally/well together? (ie: Dad, Girlfriend, her kids, your kids?) Is the situation "normal" there? Is it like a family? Or are the boys left to just amuse themselves? Any behavioral problems there? Any stresses/problems/unfairness/questionable living arrangements there? I would examine those things... or ask your older children....

Next, as the other poster said... ask the older kids how they feel at the Dad's house. Everything ok? And with their 3 yr. old brother? MAKE SURE you keep open communication with your eldest children... they will be your "beacon" or your source of keeping tabs on their well being, since they are always every-other-weekend going over to their Dad's house.
ALWAYS encourage boys, to express themselves... especially to you, their Mommy... you will be seen as their "soft place to fall" for anything... good or bad.

For your 3 year old, it could be simply a security thing... and he goes back and forth to unconsciously make 'sure' everything/everyone is 'still there.'

Also, try teaching your 3 year old the names of 'feelings' and perhaps... even teach him a special certain word or something, that he can tell you anytime he isn't feeling happy or if something is bothering him. That way, he has a concrete "word" to tell you and convey that to you. It would be like a code word.

And yes, certainly ask your eldest children if your 3 year old is having trouble sleeping at Dad's house too. And if they have any ideas why? ALSO... I would encourage your eldest boys to understand that they need to 'help' by watching over their youngest brother... looking out for him, and being good brothers that way... (are your sons close?) That way, your 3 year old may feel more 'secure' when he is at Dad's house... and that he fits in and has a CLOSE 'security' there too... that he can also 'rely' on his brothers kind of thing. Teach your boys to have each others back, so to speak. I think its important if/when siblings can look out for each other... especially when they are away from home and you...

Lastly... I would DEFINITELY ask your Ex, how your 3 year old is, at his house? Ask him all the questions you can, and tell him that your 3 year old is having sleep problems... and if he knows why or anything he can shed light on.

All the best,
Susan

This is in no way intended to be critical or judgmental, just my opinion. Take it or leave it. You say that you are recently divorced but already you and your ex have moved on and have new partners. Divorce is a big enough adjustment for a child without having to cope with parents living with a new mom/dad figure. Plus additional children thrown into the mix. That is like having to compete with a stranger for your parent's attention and love. And if your ex or you decide to break off the new relationship, then it is another loss for your kids. I can understand maybe wanting to date after a divorce, but you should expose your kids to the relationship slowly, not be living with the new partner...because there is no security for the kids...without a marriage, the new partner can just leave and then your kids will be hurt all over again. I think like the others have said, this is effecting all your children, not just the three year old. They will grow up thinking that if they love someone, it is okay to live in a house with kids and not be married. But as far as the sleeping problems, I think the kids need consistency. A bedroom for each child if possible and a consistent bedtime routine. You can't control what goes on at your ex's house, but you can control yours. No tv shows or DVD's with violent/graphic/sexually explicit content, no violent videogames and monitor computer time, etc. Your two younger kids should have a relatively earlier bedtime than the 14 year old...maybe all of them should read quietly or listen to soothing music before bed. Hope this helps.

Best of luck,
J.

Ok I would agree with you that things are bothering him. Think about it he was only 18 months or so when you and your husband split up. He doesn't have any "real" security he is going back in forth from homes, has different "parent" figures in and out of his life. The poor thing doesn't have any consistancy and he's not talking he can't express any of his feelings. Is he in speech therapy? He should be it can be provided by your local school for free. Contact your local school and request an early intervention evaluation. You said about a week ago things have changed with his sleeping pattern think back what else has changed??? Has your boyfriend started sleeping over? Are you gone more often? Are the older boys now on summer break? Is your son eating the same things? I would talk to all the boys and say we need to get more consistant sleeping habits everyone in there own bed. When your son wakes up gently bring him back to his bed and tell him he needs to go to sleep. He needs consistancy. My heart breaks for these little guys. I know this is harsh but maybe you need to focus more on the boys and not on dating right now. I am not trying to be mean just think especially the little one really needs all his mom's attention right now. Good luck

I think for children going through "changes" no matter what they are, who don't have a routine in general just don't do well. The littlest ones are so impressionable that they copy the older ones. I immediately question why your children aren't in their bedroom. I think that having a bedtime, a nice room even small (whether they share a room or not), would make them feel secure and perhaps sleep better. Children need direction and sleeping in the living room whether they like it or not I would find annoying not to mention inappropriate. Why are they avoiding the bedroom anyhow? Does it need a change? Your youngest perhaps wants to know what is gong on in the living room (do your other boys watch TV to go to sleep?) not a good idea. Not to mention, no daddy with a male influence. Have you and your boyfriend set up a relaxing routine and maybe get the older boy 14 involved in the solution so that he doesn't feel put upon. If your 3 year old still wanders. Get up, return him to the bed yours/or his and soothe the baby to sleep. I have 3 boys so I understand little men. Good luck

N., you have alot going on in your home. Why doesn't your son want to sleep in his room? What's the roaming child doing? Perhaps you need to help them create a bedroom that is theirs, It sounds like there is alot of going back and forth, and girlfriends, boyfriends and not too much attention on making a Home and a bedroom that is theirs. take the time for your kids, their worth it!! Good luck Deb

ITs a shame the older one and your ex did not keep a relationship but from what i gather they might not have had one.

The 3 year old is wondering what is going on and you need to find out the sleeping arrangements at his dads. It may be he is confused and as he gts older things will fall into play, he is too young to REALLY know what is going on...however he does have an idea.

Talk to your ex and find out how he is at his house.

Hi N., it is hard for children to see mommy and daddy with someone other than mommy and daddy, you mentioned you and your husband have new realtionships, and live with those relationships, but did not mention, marriage, if not all the kids are witnessing immoral life styles, which some people would define that as emotional trauma, and that may be what is going on with your child. J. L.

I think it's just that things are not consistent in his life. They should really be sleeping in their own rooms in their own beds so they each get a good night sleep. But maybe the only thing that has been consistent for the boys is each other so they want to cling to each other and your little one may be confused between wanting to be with you and his brothers. Daddy left him and every so often mommy is gone and one of his brothers too and in his head at that age he does not understand yet. Time seems forever when a parent is gone for a child and they don't know that you will be back until you are. Your oldest has had two men leave his life and know a third is introduced and with the little ones a second man and new woman and child. Stop and think of what you have been through and know try to live it through a childs eyes. A kid could get lost in the suffle and feel bothered and confused. Best of luck to your boys.