Family Visit Including a New Boyfriend??

I would have no issues with my sister or sister in law wanting me to meet her boyfriend, I would take it as a sign that things are serious between them and would welcome him into my home. If it was me I would also treat them like the adults they are and let them decide if they want one room or two in my home (assuming I had the space to even offer them two rooms). If that non-judgmental approach is not something you can do then let them know up front so they can get a hotel room if they so choose.

You have your own principles and beliefs and are allowed to choose what you want in your own home.

That said, I've been the one in your sister-in-law's situation. Years ago, I was recently divorced and had planned to visit my family in California for Christmas. I'd also been dating a wonderful man for a few months and he wanted to spend Christmas with me. My father decided that, considering my 'track record', he wasn't comfortable with the idea of this boyfriend flying down and spending Christmas day with us. He felt that it would 'ruin' Christmas for him. Boyfriend and I decided to meet up the day after Christmas and spend the next few days in San Francisco, just the two of us. In the meantime, the notion of my bringing some 'stranger' was so offensive to my folks that, along with a couple other incidents, they ended up ensuring I would never spend Christmas with them again.

Well, when they finally met the boyfriend, they had egg on their face. He's smart, well-mannered, considerate, caring-- oh, and we are married now. And I'm pretty sure it's safe to say that they think he's the best thing since sliced bread. We lived together for 8 years and had our son well before we decided to get married. We need to teach our children that love, and how we treat others, is the most important priority. Not rules, which are arbitrary at best. Your children WILL eventually question your family's choices and religious practices, no doubt about it. I would rather model love and teach my child that I can love someone and treat them well regardless of the choices that person is making. I mean, do you *really think they are going to want to have sex in your house*?

Of course, it's your house and your rules, but I'll say this: as an atheist, I have to explain a lot to my son regarding Christianity and what people "believe", and I do so with love, tolerance, and the attitude that we can all believe what we like and make our own choices, it's how we treat others that really matters. Our own personal sense of integrity. No matter what you choose, let kindness and your own integrity lead you to your decision. Consider everyone's feelings in this situation. And if you choose not to have them stay with you, do so graciously.

ETA: Lori H-- if I could load up my big orange wheelbarrow full of flowers for you, I would. That was a beautiful response. Thanks!

I think there is more to the story that we are unaware of between you and your sister.

Why? You are judging her on a new boyfriend of 3 months, there is no reason to tell us about what you believe are her poor choices in her past, you are nervous about the visit and meeting her boyfriend whom you've never seen or spoken to. The first time you meet someone, typically you haven't met them or spoken on the phone. This poor guy has no chance.

I pick up that you would prefer her not to visit your home. If you don't want her to visit, please be honest about it and don't make things so awkward.

It is your house and your rules but you don't "HAVE" to have them visit if you don't want them to.

If it were me, I would not visit someone where I did not feel fully welcomed and I would stay in a hotel.

I can't imagine NOT welcoming my sister's new boyfriend in my home, but then I'm a pretty loving, open and non judgemental person.
And what does her having made poor choices in men in the past have to do with anything? It's not like these people are coming into your home to take care of your children unsupervised.
As far as sleeping arrangements do what you want but I can't believe 8 and 4 year old boys would even be thinking about your house guests having sex. Why would that even be on their radar at their age?

bless my sister- in-laws heart, she let me and my boyfriend (now husband) share a room in her home while we visited. we had been dating about 5 months. she is a christian (married to a pastor) and accepted us just as we were and respected our wishes. (she also has 4 children and at the time they ranged in age from infant to 10 yrs old)
i would offer the same courtesy if it ever came up.

Your house, your rules. The only thing I think is essential is that you tell your SIL up front (or have your husband do it, since it's his sister). You can do a speech about values (which I don't recommend), or you can just say you're looking forward to meeting him and you thought you'd put him in the guest room and then put her in one of the boys' rooms and the kids will double up in the other room, unless she'd prefer to switch the rooms. That lets her, and the BF, know ahead of time so there is no awkwardness at the door as suitcases are taken to the living quarters and you are forced to explain something to the face of a man you've just met. The point is to make guests feel comfortable when they arrive, which means to set the conditions ahead of time. That gives them the option to choose a hotel and, again, everything will be all set ahead of time.

When I was a kid, we both often slept on cots or in sleeping bags on the floor of our parents' bedroom when our rooms were needed for visiting guests. If your kids currently share a room and you need it for guests, think it's okay for kids to learn to be welcoming.

Of course you make your SIL's boyfriend welcome as a guest in your house. You aren't asking whether or not I agree with your separate bedroom rule, so I'll just say that you need to let them know in advance of the sleeping arrangements, and do not be offended if they choose instead to stay at a nearby hotel.

I think that you can accept other people's lifestyle choices (in this case, premarital sex) without your boys thinking it's ok.

My dad was a pastor, in a very small town, of a very small country church. He deeply loved God and was a faithful servant.

As we were growing up, many people came to my dad seeking help of some kind (spiritual or physical, such as food or help with finding shelter). My dad never let his strong beliefs waver, yet he also treated each person with great kindness. He was very clear, to his family and his church family, about what was true and what was worth pursuing, and about God's laws and commandments. But at the same time, he was generous and loving to a wide range of people who did not share his beliefs. I remember there was a elderly couple who lived down the road from us. Her husband hated churches of all kinds and was pretty mean, cursing my dad and God aloud with great vigor. Neither one of them ever set foot in our church or any other. But about once a month, they'd call him for help. He would leave his study and walk down the lane to their small house, and help them start their car or open a stuck door or whatever little task was too much for them. I asked him once why he kept going down there when they were mean and never going to come to church. He said he knew that, and so he brought God to them, in the form of a simple act of kindness with no strings attached. He always ended his visit by telling them he prayed for them. But he didn't preach. He simply loved and acted with kindness.

So I think that you can demonstrate Christ's love to your SIL and her boyfriend by inviting them into your house, by inviting them to your table, by being gracious, without implying to your children that premarital sex, or any other sin, is ok. In fact, you can demonstrate how to love the sinner or the unpleasant person or the difficult-to-love person or any other human being. Teach your children privately about your beliefs and God's commandments. But don't forget that one of those is to love your neighbor.

I think it's pretty clear what you do here.
Let her know that you don't approve of her lifestyle choices and that she and her boyfriend will be treated like children if they visit.
I'm sure she'll decide to stay in a hotel.
I know for sure I would if I were her.

Are you going to stand guard outside their rooms and make sure they don't sneak into each others room? I mean really...sounds kinda silly in my own opinion. If you REALLY don't like the idea of them being in the same room you could kindly suggest a hotel.

You should welcome the boyfriend, it's important enough for her to travel from another state. If I were them, I would DEFINATELY stay in a hotel. Your relationship seems a bit strained. You shouldn't judge (conservative Christian?) even if she has made errors in the past. Plus, who wants to be around fairly distant family 24/7...not me!

I'd ask them to stay in a hotel where they can do as they please.
Additional:
Actually I'm a BIG FAN of using hotels for family visits - regardless of who else is coming along.
My Mom and I love each other but more than a few hours per day is a strain on both of us.
I like the pool, free breakfast and bed made and fresh towels everyday.

I have two grown up sons. When they were little my brother and his future wife came and stayed with us. They stayed in our basement. The boys were just excited to have their uncle stay and it was the more the merrier. They didn't grow up thinking it's okay to sleep in the same room when not married, they grew up thinking it's a wonderful idea to fall in love and get married. My brother has now been married to his wife over thirty years and my oldest son has been married five years.. I think your biggest worry is that you do not want your children to think they shouldn't have sex before marriage? and how will they know if they were having sex unless they are extremely inappropriate in some way? Plus that has never stopped anyone anyway. You wanted to know what our opinion of letting a new boyfriend come along is...I don't really think that is anyone's opinion but their own.

Assuming the SIL is an adult, it is perfectly reasonable to have her boyfriend on a visit when traveling out of state. If staying with you, it is reasonable to expect to honor your wishes regarding sleeping arrangements while in your home. I would simply say "Oh Suzy, of course you can bring Johnny" and if you don't know if they are staying in a motel or planning to stay with you ASK. If you know they are planning to stay with you simply say something like "He can stay in the boys room, and you can stay in the guest room" or something else that will make it obvious that sleeping arrangements will be separate. If she bulks, explain your position...she'll have the option to stay with you, get a hotel, or leave Johnny home.

Really? She is an adult. Do they live together now? I think it judgmental of you and it seems like you are treating her like a child if you invite them into your home but make them sleep in different rooms. I guess I think differently than you do...my husband and I lived together 7 years before getting married. We've been married now for 17 years, together for 24. I think if those are your beliefs then your husband should talk to her about it, explain your conservative beliefs, and ask her what she would like to do...sleep in different rooms or get a hotel nearby. Hopefully this will not make them both feel too unwelcome and judged.

Your house, your rules. If they really need to sleep in the same bed, they can do it at a hotel. We have the same rules at my house. It isn't about judging them or their lifestyle. I look at it like I have the right to dictate what my kids see in my home. If I won't let them watch a rated r movie, why would I let them watch two unmarried people waltz off to sleep in the same bed under my roof?

Even if they had only been dating a month, it seems fine for her to bring him for a visit. If he wants to meet you all and she wants to introduce him to you, she certainly can ask. You can say whom you want as a guest in your house, of course, however I think it would probably put some strain in your husband's relationship with his sister if you all start saying that their relationship is not visit-worthy based on how long they have dated. As for her track record in picking boyfriends in the past, I would encourage you not to pre-judge this guy based on the past ones. Isn't it just as likely that she learned from kissing those frogs in the past and has made a better pick this time?

Assuming you do invite him to join her on the visit, I do think you have the right to set up the sleeping arrangements as you prefer. I do think you cannot make rules about whether they spend time in each other's rooms or anything like that because they are not children, however the host has the right to set up the sleeping arrangements. Tell them beforehand so if they decide they can't stand to sleep apart for the four days or how long the trip is, they can stay in a hotel room instead.

ETA: I just read TF's answer, and she has pointed out some things I hadn't really considered. On reflection, your post does seem to indicate that you aren't sure you want her to visit. You say she 'contacted us about visiting our family.' That implies you didn't invite her, that she said she wants to come visit you. The concerns about the past boyfriends may be the reasons why you didn't invite her or the guy initially, I don't know. But indeed if you would prefer she not stay in your house if the guy comes along, you can certainly say that. And if you don't want her to come visit at this point because it's inconvenient for your family, you need to say that--hopefully followed with 'we want to see you, so could you perhaps come in July (or whenever) instead."

I see no problem with the BF coming with SIL. I also agree that BF should be in another room. Your house, your rules.

We are going on a vacation in May with our kids and our son's fiancée. She will be staying in the same room with our daughter and our son will be with us. Do they sleep together? I'm sure they do, but I'm paying for this and I don't pay for sleepovers. They have NO issue with this.

We are Catholic and have the same beliefs as you regarding sleeping together without being married. When I was in middle school, my father's sister (aunt) came to visit us in Fort Lauderdale with her boyfriend. She stayed in my room and we gave her boyfriend the guest room. She was told before she arrived the sleeping arrangements. At the time, I didn't understand exactly what was going on....but my parents' house, my parents' rules.

Since then, my (male) cousin has come to visit my family (two boys, 5 and 9) with so many different, this is the one girlfriends. We have a full/twin bunk bed in one of our bedrooms so our little guys share the full, my cousin takes the top twin bunk and his girlfriend of the year gets my 5 year old's bedroom. My house, my rules.

I applaud you for having values and modeling them to your children. As long as you are upfront and gracious to your guests, I see no problem. If they don't want to live with your sleeping arrangements, they can find other arrangements.

My brother and sister in law are conservative Christians but I guess they didn't use that as a reason to judge my husband and I when we were dating. They always welcomed us when we came to visit.

There are people in the world without the same beliefs as you do, shocking I know! It is better to introduce your kids to this concept where you can have a discussion and help mold their moral code. Otherwise they are going to find out eventually and it will be the forbidden fruit. Much easier to resist if they believe it is wrong than just a mommy said so. This does not mean teach them to judge others but to judge their own behavior.

I would let him come along. It's a good opportunity to meet him, especially if he is the 'one' as you say.

Just kindly tell her that you're more comfortable having them stay in separate and give your reason for it if you feel the need. Let her know they are welcome. But it's up her then to decide to stay or go to a hotel.

If it were me, I would let my husband deal with it where it's his sister.

ETA: I really liked some of the answers, especially one by tadpole. About being a gracious host, accepting guests as they are. It reminded me of religious friends of my sister's who tell guests to bring a bottle of wine when they go to their cottage for the weekend. They do not drink due to religious beliefs. Guests don't always bring wine out of respect, but they feel very welcome being encouraged to do what makes them feel at home.

I'm confused. It's not like this new man is going to be the new man in your children's lives...he is the boyfriend of your sister-in-law. Not yours. And it's not really your call how they, as adults, sleep, right? If I was going to my family's house with my boyfriend or fiancé and they made us sleep in separate rooms, I wouldn't go. But maybe that's just me.

I would never tell my siblings their choice of a partner wasn't welcome in my home barring some illegal activity. And I would never make them sleep in separate rooms. They are adults, not children.

I have a 9 year old - just turned 9 - and he wouldn't even want to share a room with a girl, let alone want to know the ins and outs of dating at that age. Now if the sister-in-law was a minor, different story. I suggest you take a step back and don't judge so harshly. I'm sure there are things you have done you don't want your children knowing about or repeating...just remember we are all in glass houses.

I don't know if this is the hill to die on, but definitely your choice.

It is your home and you are well within your rights to make and enforce rules in your own home. I think a better solution would be for your sister to get a hotel room if she wants to bring the new boyfriend. You could legitimately say that you don't know him and would prefer to get to know him a bit before having him stay in your home. That being said, it never works to try to legislate someone else's behavior. Your 8 year old is old enough to understand that while some folks do certain things, your family values are to do things differently.

I'd let them know up front that there will be separate rooms and let them decide if they want to stay at your house or a hotel. My sil and bil put my hubby (boyfriend at the time) and me in separate rooms and we were ok with it. Their house their rules.

Honestly, I think this is about you and your husband's relationship with his sister.

You don't say what arrangements she planned when coming to town. She contacted you..so she should have an idea where/ how she wants to plan her time. So what did she say? How was it handled last time she came with a boyfriend? I think the real conversation should have started there before dates were planned.

If you have a good relationship with her, she should know your values and beliefs including those on premarital sex. I'm guessing these beliefs were present before you had children (?) so this has nothing to do with the children's ages.

So before plans get formalized your husband needs to call her and ask. Then you both can share expectations without being to preachy.

I also think there is a difference between an intimate visit (staying at your house and bonding as a family) and a a casual visit (at a hotel) with the 'flavor of the month'.

If he is really 'the one' then there is nothing wrong with slowly developing a relationship with him over time as they show their commitment to each other. For me, allowing children to see the tasks people work on to show commitment to each other is just as important as the label of the commitment.

So I think if this boyfriend truly wanted to get to know you and your family he would want to make a good first impression and respect your beliefs by either staying in separate rooms or a hotel. If your SIL wants you to respect this relationship, then I think she would hold it to a different standard then she has in the past.

Your husband needs to have this conversation with her ASAP.

I think you should stick to your beliefs (and not feel bad) BUT, remember boundaries are flexible especially when we feel respected.

I wouldn't be comfortable having a stranger in my house overnight, whether it was SIL's boyfriend or just a female buddy along for the ride. Skip 99% the potential drama and have them stay in a hotel. That way you can respect your own beliefs while affording her the respect that she is due as an adult.

I'm guessing that she knows how you feel. Just let her know your wishes and she can decide to stay with you in separate bedrooms or stay at a hotel. Her choice.

I can't believe some people are bashing bc you don't believe in unmarried people sleeping in the same room in front of your kids. My parents were so horrible bc I didn't sleep in the same room as my boyfriend in their house before we were married? Their house, their rules and I respected them. I'm not sure how I'd handle it with my kids in your situation but there is absolutely nothing wrong with expecting only married people to share a bedroom in your home. It sets a certain standard that is important to you. My parents' "old fashioned" rules certainly didn't stop me from having premarital sex but I do think it influenced how seriously I viewed premarital sex. You probably shouldn't have even mentioned that part bc it's just an opportunity for people to make snarky comments and it isn't really the crux of your question. In terms of whether to have the boyfriend or not, my parents certainly let boyfriends come and stay they had never met. Once my siblings and I lived out of state, a visit home with significant other was often a first introduction. So I do think you're harsh there unless she has a history with drug addicts or men who are possibly dangerous. If they're just kind of "losers" but harmless, then definitely let him come. Hopefully it's not a long visit though. And a lot of this is dependent on your husband's relationship with his sister. Does he like her? Want her to come?

Your house, your rules but I wouldn't wait until the last minute to let your pending house guests know the rules of your home. This way no one is surprised or uninformed by the sleeping arrangements when the time comes. It may even be easier for your husband to tell his sister what the expectation of the household is. If they can't abide by your house rules, hotels offer the freedom they seek.

My family had similar rules too. So when I became an adult I still had to abide by the rules in the various houses as it related to sharing a bed overnight in their homes.

When my husband and I were engaged we went out of state to visit his family. One aunt allowed us to stay in her rental trailer together, another aunt had me and his mother stay in a 5th wheel trailer and my husband (fiance at the time stay in the house). Either way it did not bother us. We had respect for their wishes and it saved us money on a hotel.

Hope this point of view helps with your concern of your sisters concern. Enjoy your time together family time is so important.

Your home, your rules.
But don't be surprised if she either decides not to come, or chooses to stay elsewhere.

I'm sure it's difficult to take her seriously when she says this boyfriend could be "the one." You are both probably thinking, "Here we go again." I just want to encourage you to be supportive anyway. Maybe she has learned from the past and made a better choice this time. Maybe not. Either way the best thing you can do for her is to be a positive person in her life. Even if it turns out he's a total loser, telling her that or even being less than enthusiastic about this person she wants you to meet will send the wrong message. Try to be happy for her. She needs that support.

As far as the sleeping arrangements go, you have to do what is comfortable to you. I think the suggestion that your husband call her and let her know where everyone will be sleeping is a good idea. Don't give any reasons. Just say, "We're really looking forward to seeing you and meeting Bob. We've got everything arranged for you to sleep in Room X and Bob to sleep in Room Y. We're going to have a great time." That way you're not giving her the impression that you're passing judgement on her. You're just working out logistics. If she doesn't like it, she'll let you know.

It's your house and your kids. If it makes you uncomfortable having your sister in law and her boyfriend sleep together then let them know before they get there so that they can make other arrangements. If she has men in and out of her life then I can understand not wanting your kids exposed to her bringing different men to sleep in your house every time she comes for a visit. There isn't anything wrong with saying no to that.

If you are conservative Christians then your sister in law should already know how you feel and make other arrangements. I have friends who are very religious and I respect their beliefs. I don't do things around them that would offend them. She should understand. Good luck!!

How old is your sister-in-law? If you're that uncomfortable, maybe she shouldn't come? Or, maybe she should stay in a hotel with him?

I would gently explain to SIL that since you haven't even met her boyfriend yet, you're not comfortable with the both of them staying in your home together. In the same conversation, I would have some suggestions for nearby hotels, and also let her know you and your family are looking forward to their visit, and talk about some potential fun activities you can all do together. There's no reason you can't host them at your house for dinner/games, etc, but I would think everyone would be more comfortable if they were not staying with you overnight.

Your home, your rules.
If she wants to bring him and stay with you, then they will have to abide by your policies regarding sleeping arrangements.

The first year that I visited my now in laws, they gave me a choice of my own room or bunking with their son. No judgement was made when I choose his room. Your house your rules mentality may only further strain the relationship. My only question would to know more about mr. Wonderful!

Does your SIL know your conservative views? Will she be surprised when you tell her that you have to have her stay in a different bedroom than her boyfriend?

Of the 3 choices you have, 1) stay in a hotel because we don't know the guy yet 2) sleep in separate bedrooms because they know we don't believe in sleeping together before marriage and want to model our beliefs in front of our children and 3) Sleep where they want because they're already sleeping together and don't want to risk offending and them getting angry, I would say to pick #2.

I do think that it's fine to have this rule as long as you apply the rule to everyone across the board. If you don't, then I promise you that they'll find out. If you tell her that she has to stay in a hotel, I think that's just plain telling her that you don't trust this guy and way more offensive than your religious beliefs.

Since you don't know the new BF I would think it would be preferable for him to sleep in the same room as your SIL. He is less likely to roam around your house if he is with her in the event he turns out to be a shady character like her last boyfriend.

Your house, your rules. If they don't like them, they can get a hotel room. It really IS that simple. We always have abided by that rule (not married, separate bedrooms when visiting) and have not had a problem. We don't include whispers or negative comments or attitude or judge-y attitudes -- it's just our rule. If they don't like it, they don't have to stay here. We can still get together and do all the fun stuff.

You just have to be cognizant of any unspoken judge-y attitude. You just can't go there. Don't. There is absolutely no reason for it. They are guests in your home. But unmarried ones, who will sleep in separate rooms. Easy peasy.

But it is imperative that this expectation/rule is discussed prior to their making travel arrangements. No surprises when they arrive. They may opt to get a hotel, which is fine, but they need to know that well in advance.

I honestly think that you need to say that you can't accommodate them in your home.

I get it, okay? My daughter finally married one of her guy friends but before that she wouldn't bring them here to stay. I just wouldn't have it.

I do think that you could be nice and simply rent them a hotel room and tell them it's so they can have some privacy, with the boys they'd have to go to bed around 8pm, boys have to go to bed, and then get up by 6:30am to get kids ready for school and such. Make it sound loud and rowdy...they'll be happy to stay in a hotel.