Moving with Dad & New His New Girlfriend of 2 Mos... Best Interest of the Kids?

I kind of agree there is nothing really you can do about it, at least you think his new girlfriend is a good person. That is one positive thing. On a different note, the dad is NOT putting the kids first just for the basic fact that he has 2 kids that come every other weekend and he only has a one bedroom apartment - I know "times are tough" as someone might say. But, he needs to make them feel like they belong and have a space at his house, regardless of who else he is living with. Just my 2 cents.

I don't know it sounds to me like he is there for the kids everyday after school and on his weekends. He may be moving in with her because of his financial position. If you have met her and the kids have already started spending nights there wouldn't it be yet another change to try and get him to move out of his gf's house? Sounds to me like he is there for them and is doing the best he can. Moving in with her so quickly is probably not the best but you don't really have a say in that, and neither does he if you were to decide to move in with someone. He sounds like he is very involved in their lives and that is a GREAT thing and you wouldn't want to change that. Give it time and they will adjust. Hopefully this relationship will last and he will have a stable home for them to visit. Good luck!

Your ex is an adult and has a right to move in with his girlfriend. If you said she was mean to your kids or seems like a horrible person, I may be singing a different tune... But this is a situation that I think you will need to learn to deal with. I'm not saying that to be mean. I seriously think you need to pick your battles and fight the ones you think endanger your children. Your 3 year old doesn't understand boyfriend/girlfriend relationships so as long as the girl is safe and kind, who really cares if their relationship doesn't last and he ends up with another woman who is good/kind to them? As for your 9 year old, you need to continue conversations with her. You need to not only explain things in a matter of fact way which supports your ex's decisions, but you need to make sure you stay QUIET and listen to her, too. She may be happy that her dad is happy, especially if this woman makes her dad happy and puts him in a good mood. If you fight with their dad or talk bad about his decisions, it will come back and bite you in the butt-- they will either take your "side" and it will put a strain on their relationship with their dad, or they will end up resenting YOU because you are saying things about their dad that they don't like or agree with. Sleeping on an air mattress is not really a big deal-- seriously. If they have a roof over their heads and in a safe/loving environment where they are able to build and keep a good relationship with their dad, that's what you should focus on. This economy is hard for a lot of people and some have no job and live in one bedroom apartments, but others are homeless so count your blessings.

My only addition to this is that your husband should get a 2 BR apt. These kids aren't visiting him it is their dad and they should have a comfortable space when they are with him and the GF. Two months is a little short to know someone and move in but that's his choice and most men can't be alone too long or think about the affects his romantic life has on his kids. Obviously the kids live mostly with you because both of you know you are the more stable parent and will look out for your kids. So your choice is to be the great mom you are and tell hubby he should get a 2 BR, that only makes sense. If it is finaces as you say he is unemployed, then as one poster said he and GF should sleep on air mattress.

As you said, haven't they been through enough? You said you are seeing signs and sense things that just aren't right. Well, let me give you a little perspective, since you asked. No, in my opinion it isn't in the kids' best interest that your ex have some "shack up honey" who shares his bed while the kids sleep on a blow up mattress on the floor. Having said that, here's the perspective...I also don't think it's in the kids' best interest that you have a steady relationship either. I see how you may think that just because you and the kids have known this man for quite some time, that all is well and good and he is doing no harm. That's where you are mistaken. Let me reiterate....Haven't your kids been through enough??? Their parents split up, and their grandparents are splitting up. All of the security that they've known and safety they've felt is blowing to pieces around them. Yet, instead of making THEM the #1 priority in life, you and your ex have chosen to spend your time and energy on the next hot body to get close to you both. Your kids need you and your ex to be focused on them, not your love lives. They need to know that they matter more than anything else in the world. It's not their fault that the grownups couldn't keep their marriages together, so why should they have to put up with you two bringing in more "love interests" that they will have to compete with for your attention and love. So, in all fairness, I can see how your ex wouldn't be willing to compromise when you are pretty much doing the same thing to the kids (in a manner of speaking) that he is. You both are putting your priorities in the wrong order. You will have plenty of time to do whatever you want, however you want when the kids are 18 and on their own. For now, you both should be concentrating on doing your best to raise them up well given the situation that they are in. Show them that they matter most.

Without reading all of your responses and the additional information you've given, I am just going to throw out an idea. Understand this is coming from someone who has not been through your situation, but I have had opportunity to fairly closely observe friends and relatives go through similar things. You mention that the gf seems nice. What is the possibility of you getting close enough to her to express your concerns and perhaps get her somewhat on your side in this? What you describe as your ex's lack of understanding sounds like it may just be a general difference in the male - female perspectives rather than that he is just being stubbornly insensitive. I agree with your concerns, and feel that what you need is some backup from his side of the situation, and maybe it can come through the gf. You need to try to have an amicable relationship with her anyway, since she will undoubtable be a person your children will be having in their lives. Getting her understanding in your current concerns is certainly worth a try.

Based on your first question. My Mom moved her boyfriend of a month in with her & I when I was 13. To this day it was probably one of the worst decisions, I think my Mom made as far as consideration of 'the children' goes. I was very hurt & put him on my list as to the multiple things in my life that 'sucked' (using teenage mind set language) & he became one of the reasons that I spent my high school years in a drunken & stoned state....
BUT before that when I was around 11 my Mom dated someone whom I was able to get close to & at that age I was more accepting of a new person in her life. (my parents divorced when I was 10) SO while this is my personal situation & each thing was like a domino effect-looking back probably the break up of my Mom & the boyfriend whom I was close to made me feel like I wasn't going to accept anyone new so the next boyfriend didn't stand much of a chance.....even though had the move in not been so rushed & the man been a better choice-things might have been easier eventually...I just remember feeling violated & non trusting-from the start because of the timing of the move in. I had met him once-they had been on 2 dates...
Now looking at the situation as a Mother today- if it were me in her shoes-I still think it was way too quick for not only my Mom herself but also the child. AND it terrifies me to think if my husband & I ever separate & meet new people that one of us could do that to our children...Dating new people is one thing, but moving them into your world with your children is another.
I am so sorry that you have to 'deal' with this situation & I wish you the best for all of you...

It sounds like a hard answer to give briefly and without details but on the surface here are a few thoughts which may lean a little toward his thoughts.
- if he is serious with this woman even though its a new relationship then maybe having the kids continue their routine with their father even in less than ideal sleeping circumstances behooves him, you and them -
I have noticed that new women in father's lives have a strong power and if you show him early in the divorce that he will lose his kids to a relationship with a woman, the sad truth is that he may chose the relationship... this is OBVIOUSLY NOT your problem, however it affects your children.... Making sure that his responsibilities to his kids are steadfast is probably in your best interest and theirs.
On a note that leans in his favor too...If the kids are safe and in good hands, the change of sleeping on an air mattress versus losing their weekends with their dad is probably not a big deal
I can tell you from personal experience, I have a step daughter which my (now) husband had when he was in his EARLY 20s and so when we got together we were still carving a place in the world. Not having his daughter full time when she came to visit before we were married and had our own children we had an extra room but she still had to stay on an air mattress because that was what we had. I can assure you it did not effect our love for her or her stay at all, it was just what we had then. Now she has a bed and a place of her own when she stays with us, but at the time it was more important to us that she visit even though we didn't have a space she could call hers when she was not living with us.
I hope this helps a little, and I do feel your pain, and again I don't know the whole story, but having been on the other side, having kids for small amounts of time never means less love, but sometimes especially when dealing with financial issues, it may mean less space... and it sounds like your husband not having a job may be influencing the decision to move to more cramped quarters. Good luck!

I think it is mom's job to protect the kids, however, the kids will adjust and move on. There is not much you can do about it, so why create any more friction? Let it go and provide a good life for the kids on your side. Let it go.

It seems like you have done the best that you could to explain your concerns to him. Unless you want to legally insist on mediation or changing your custody arrangement, unfortunately, you don't have a lot of choice in his decisions, whether they are good for your kids or not. Keeping up the conversation would not even be helpful at this point - it will not have the desired result, IMO. Do you really have to have his permission for the kids to see a counselor? If so, then you need to talk to the counselor yourself and pass on the information you receive to the kids, maybe coping tools for your children.

And I would not discuss your boyfriend with him, even if his son is going to be taking soccer with your daughter. That is not your ex's choice, since these are open sign ups. I understand he is being completely ridiculous. He does have issues, but that is the way it is, so the best you can do is for you to do the best things that you can for your kids and provide the support they need. I am so sorry that this is going on, and yes, it will affect your kids, but if you continue to be reasonable, they will see that and it WILL make a difference.

Since you wanted a perspective more to the dad's side....

Since he is unemployed, him moving in with someone may help his financial situation which would be beneficial for the kids. While it is early in his relationship with this woman, you said she is nice and doesn't seem to be bad for your children.

The fact that the apartment is one bedroom....well, the kids are only there on the weekend, and it is likely that this wouldn't be a permanent home. Maybe once he is working again, and they have a more solid relationship, they may upgrade to something that would better accomodate your children.

You said you are in a relationship, so it doesn't seem fair to him to not want him to be in one. Granted your children have known your new boyfriend for a long time, but you can't expect your ex-husband to only date people your children know.

I agree the situation isn't ideal, but kids are resilient and can adapt really well to new situations. However, if they sense that you don't approve of the situation, they will have a hard time adjusting to it. And what is in the best interest of your children is to have both their parents in their lives.

After reading your additional information...I would also say that you should not have asked if he was okay with your bf's son playing as well. It is none of his business whether that child plays or not. He probably saw that as you throwing your new family in his face, and became defensive, since you are against him moving forward with his girlfriend.

You are now divorced and have no say in how your ex lives his life. As long as the children are not in harms way, you have no right to comment on his relationship, living arrangement or whatever. The only topic you have to discuss is the children. And again, as long as he is meeting the obligations set forth in the custody arrangement and the children are safe, then you have no say in the matter.

Not judging. The situation is what it is and each adult is moving on, and as for dad moving in with his girlfriend, there isn't really anything that you can say. However you can speak up for your kids' safety. I don't think that it is right or safe for kids to be sleeping on the floor in the living room. Especially for a 3yr old. What will happen when they are ready for bed, but the adults aren't? Should the adults go to their room at 10p because the kids need to go to sleep? Or should the kids stay up until 11 - 12 until the adults are tired?

Would it be possible for Dad to move into a place that has 2 or 3 bedrooms? Or maybe, when its his weekend, they do day activities together, but come home to their own rooms each night?

Just my 2 cents.
M.

BL

The only reply I can honestly give is if you don't think you have issues you are desperately mistaken. You former husband is in the same “sinking” boat, not to mention your respective new love interests. It appears that BOTH of you are more interested in your personal feelings and the feelings of your NEW partners then in the wellbeing, and best interest of ALL children involved.

If any adult involved in this mess is truly interested in the “best interest” of children involved, you all need to seek professional and/or legal counseling asap.

I realize how harsh this must sound, but from mama to mama, sometimes that is just the way it IS!

Blessings……

BL

Since you have joint custody and have been separated for two years, where were your children sleeping when they visited dad before the new girlfriend come into their lives? You mentioned that your children have had some difficult changes to adjust to. Is the “family friend” you hooked up with living in your house and was he also a “friend” of your former husband?

My personal opinion is that children should not be subjected to “live in” situations without commitment. Moving in with someone he’s only known for two months is asking for trouble, no matter how “nice” she is. Even in a committed relationship, as your children have witnessed with you, their father and grandparents, people disappear from their lives and new people appear.

However, if they are spending the night at dad’s one bedroom apartment, dad and girlfriend should sleep on the floor (air mattress) and the kids should be given the bedroom, so their rest will be undisturbed by television, music, adults staying up later.

Ultimately it is his decision when the kids are with him. Battling with each other is not in the best interest of your children, so I hope you both can come to a compromise and let the kids have the bedroom when they sleep at dads.

Blessings…..

Since you live in California the amount of time you spend with the children directly relates to child support. If he is having a hard time financially this may be a big consideration for him. If you don't want your daughter to stay overnight maybe you should offer to enter into a stipulation for no overnights for a temporary set amount of time that will not constitute a change in circumstances or a change in child support? He may be more willing to work with you if you show him that you are doing this for the best interest of the child and not to change child support.

I don't know how to say this without sounding condescending, because I really don't mean it that way at all. I say this as someone who has been through a divorce with a daughter in the middle. After reading your original question, and your detailed response it seems to me that you are the one having the greatest level of difficulty with adjusting. Have you thought of getting some counseling yourself to address your insecurities, accepting your limitations of control, and learning to communicate with someone who is no longer the your other half, but has a life of his own? I haven't heard anything that suggests that your husband doesn't have your children's best interest had heart, his opinion and choices are just not the same as yours. We don't have the power to change the way a person thinks or behaves, but we have ultimate control and responsibility for how we respond.

Dear B L,
These situations are terribly difficult for the children. Your ex certainly has the right to be with who he wants...as do you. However, you can't really make him change what he thinks is right.
I personally do not agree with getting involved in another love relationship even two years after divorce, let alone 2 months. It's not a morality issue (except that it is when you consider that you have a 9 year old daughter who you won't want moving in with a boyfriend after 2 months), but it's a matter of one relationship being solid enough to introduce the kids to in the first place. Moving in with someone after two months is a personal choice but what if the relationship goes wrong? It's just one more bit of proof that relationships don't last and that's the last thing your kids need right now. I've been divorced 13 years and my kids never woke up to a man in my house. If he wasn't marriage material, he never came around my kids in the first place. It's not fair for children to get attached to people who can go away and leave them. So, mom and dad have to be extra careful not to perpetuate that possibility in my opinion or have to explain another loss.
Your ex is going to do what he wants to do. You can't really tell him he can't. But, it might help if you sit down with him and his girlfriend and just express your concerns. Not that you have anything against her....but it might be good for her so see things from your perspective. If she truly is a good person, she will respect you for wanting whats best for the kids she is agreeing to taking on. She may actually be your greatest ally if you approach it from a position of concern for the kids.
They may be perfectly happy camping out on her floor and her engaging them as part of her life. That wouldn't be so bad. You might have more sympathy from her than from father when it comes to the kids. I've known many instances like that. You might want to talk to the girlfriend because she may be more open to hearing the feelings of a young girl that are honest and true as opposed to it coming from you or dad.
This is a tough situation, but if the girlfriend is a decent person, and it sounds like she is, she wont want to hurt the kids.
Sleeping on the floor every other weekend isn't the end of the world. Kids come and stay with me and have slumber parties...sleeping in the floor can be kind of fun.
But, since the relationship between your ex and girlfriend is so new, talking might help them see the importance of not "goofing around" while they figure out if they want to be together forever. Another relationship lost would be another blow to the children.
Try talking, all three of you, rationally.
I wish you the best.