Part 1) Would it bug you if your smoker friend (you are not a smoker) was out on your deck smoking, and then ground out the cigarette with her shoe, and then tried to walk into your home, which has a rug in the entryway? Would it still bug you if she "wiped" her feet on the entryway mat first?
Part 2) Would it then bug you even more if she then insinuated that she has "never" met anyone who is so fussy, after you ask her to take off her shoes outside but she refuses, so you get her to take her shoe off, and wipe the sole off with a wet napkin, and that annoys the heck out of her, and then you ended up getting in a fight with her over this whole thing.
This is a friend I've known for decades.
Suz -- I give her an ashtray when she comes. I guess I need to make sure there is one in every part of the house, since she isn't thoughtful enough to bring the ashtray with her. I would prefer she use the ashtray, but when she decides to smoke somewhere else, I'm not going to follow her around with the ashtray. Once she ground out the cigarette, I asked her to remove the shoes, but she refused. She has no compunction about telling people what to do/not to do when they are in her home.
She threw the butt in the ivy.
p.s. For years I had a no-shoe home, but I have relaxed on that.
p.p.s I am asking this question because according to her, no one else would be bothered that someone ground out a cig with their shoe and then walked into their home. It looks like the responses so far are about 50/50 -- so 50% of people actually WOULD be bothered by this, so I'm not as abnormal as she thinks.
p.p.p.s Yes, I agree with Becca that in most cases it's rude to ask someone to take their shoe off so you can wipe it. This is the kind of close friend you can be up front with, and believe me, she lets people know exactly what she thinks when she's annoyed.
People smoke outside my home. I do not follow them outside. When they are finished they come in. Have no idea if the step on butt or what they do with it.
1) I would not track cigarette ashes into anyone's house.
2) I would not make an issue out of it if someone tracked ashes into my house or threw a butt in my ivy.
So yeah, you BOTH bug me.
:(
I think it is a bit extreme but my friend would not be smoking on my deck. Too close to the door. When my sis would come over, I would make her put out hr cigarette before even coming up the steps and take 3 deep breathes and exhales. Cigarette smell makes me sick and I do not let anyone smoke in my home or near my door.
Everything about this would bug me.
I was a smoker many years ago, and have had a puff here and there over the years, but I would NEVER put my cigarette out on the ground, let alone someone's deck! What did she do with the butt?
The fact that she thinks your fussy about not wanting her to drag her dirty shoe through your house shows her complete lack of manners or class.
I would just say look, cigarette waste is dirty and smelly, would you walk through my house with dog poop on the bottom of your shoe?
It's the same thing, nasty :-(
This is your home and you have a right not to have cigarette ash tracked into your home. Also, since it's you're home, you have every right to be "fussy."
A friend would respect your home and your "fussiness." If she doesn't respect you and your home, she's not really a friend, in my opinion.
I'd put it out there just like that. "If you don't like how I keep my home, you don't have to visit."
Part two would bug me If I was your friend. It is a bit extreme.
That would bug the heck out of me. It's RUDE, I'm sorry. This is YOUR house, so your preferences. And if it's a close friend, whom you've known for years, it shouldn't be a problem.
I have someone who comes to my house who smokes. They go to my porch and I absolutely HATE when they dont clean up after themselves out there. They put the butt out on my wood railing and leaves nasty marks, or leaving their packaging, or butts. Take it with you I say. WE dont smoke, so why would they think that's acceptable?
Sorry for the rant, but it annoys me. I dont care who smokes, but at least clean up after yourself, and be CONSIDERATE.
I guess if you are going to allow smoking at your home, you kind of have to accept the other thigns that come with it. If she wiped her shoes on the mat outside, I wouldn't be bothered. It's no different than her walking in the grass or through a puddle. Wiping the feet is to get off the extra loose stuff, so she did that.
Yes that would bother me, on both counts.
It bugged you that she wiped her feet where she was supposed to wipe her feet? or was this a decorative rug and the mat was outside? I have mats inside all my doors for people to wipe their feet on so I am a little confused.
Even when I had dogs I didn't inspect and clean shoes, they are guests. Just figure a little dirt is part of the entertaining program.
Please take this is the spirit it is meant, helpful, you sound like a non smoker who doesn't like smokers in their home. I get it, really, my ex's family was shocked I made his aunt smoke on the porch.
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Okay, what happened, honestly, you are the first person I have ever heard of being bothered by grinding out the butt and coming in. That is kind of assumed and is considered better than just flicking a lit butt and burning down your home.
Kinda would have icked me out, which is why I would roll up the carpet when the tradesmen come to do work. (We have a Persian rug in the living room on the hardwoods). I can vac the carpet,but any other stain removal,etc. has to be done professionally and costs a pretty penny.
How rude of your friend to behave in a slovenly way and then put it on you. I try very hard to follow my friends' examples when in their home... they're the ones that have to clean it--AND it's *their* home. Our smoking friends-- I always supply them with an ashtray outside, because that's where they are supposed to smoke. We've had some pretty nice parties where everyone's cig butts made it into ashtrays or the garbage.
Makes me wonder-- is there some other conflict in your relationship and this is the 'safe' thing to argue about? Or was she always this self-absorbed? (Sorry, but I just cannot imagine treating a friend like this, no matter whose home I was in.)
ETA: I grew up in Honolulu and like the Japanese, it is considered extremely poor manners to wear one's shoes into another person's home. Even in kindergarten, I remember a big rack for our shoes/slippahs (flip-flops) to go on before entering the room. Grandma and Auntie's houses had huge racks of shoes outside the front doors. It was just verboten. My stepmom refused to take off her shoes and the family talked about it for years. YEARS.
I wouldn't let someone smoke at my house, period. So, yeah...it would B. me. Who cares if SHE thinks it's rude? It's YOUR house! Since when do you have to condone something as idiotic as smoking?
If you give her an ashtray when she comes in that implies she can smoke in your house?? thats way more offensive than a little dirt coming in with her shie? I dont get it. i'm confused. I never would think to wipe someones shoe unless there was an extreme circumstance (somone very sick inside) bt if that was the case i wouldnt be inviting people over. there are way more things on the bottom of peoples shoes then little cigarette particles.
My fiancee smokes outisde at our home and everyone elses. if he;s at someones house and doesnt have an ashtray handy he will put it on on his shoe and then hold onto the cigarette until he can throw in in a trash can or ash tray. he wont toss it inthe yard. unless she's over daily i wouldnt even address the tossing it in the bushes. i think you way overreacted.
What kind of friend grinds out her cig on your deck, throws the trash in your landscaping, then puts it on you when you balk? Yeah, not that good of one. Or one that is verrrrrry comfy disrespecting your home and wishes.
Yeah, that would piss me off.
Rosebud:
It would bother me if she didn't use the ash tray I gave her to use. I would tell her to take her shoes off at the door.
My husband is a smoker and smokes outside. He uses an ashtray. That's what POLITE smokers do.
If you are printing this out for her?
Dear friend:
I'm sorry you can't respect me nor my home enough to be polite enough to use the ash tray I have given you to use. That you were offended by my asking you to take your shoes off so you don't track your ash into my house? I'm offended that you didn't even THINK that it would.
I'm not going to ask you to quit smoking. I'm not going to lecture you on smoking and the health risks. But I will ask you EVERY TIME you come to my home to RESPECT MY RULES!
Thank you!!
your friend
regardless if she wiped the cigarette on her shoe or not, if she didn't take off her shoes before entering my home, that would upset me.. We don't wear shoes in our house, one because it tracks in a lot of dirt and ruins the carpets and two, my home is my sacred place... I like to be respectful of it and therefore prefer no shoes........ let alone with cigarette ash on them... I think your friend is very unaware of herself in that she thinks you are being fussy... when really, it's your home.. your rules..
i'm not at all picky about my floors, but yeah, i think this would bug me some. however, i'd handle it differently. i'd have had an ashtray on the deck to start with. if that slipped by and she came in with a cruddy heel, i'd have mentally slapped myself upside the head and then gone on to enjoy her visit. i would not have made her take off the shoe and cleaned it in front of her. it's not that you don't have the 'right' to do so (it is your house) but i'm sure it did feel scoldy to her.
both of you could be a bit more considerate, methinks.
but stuff happens. friendships are valuable. i hope you both laugh it off and make fun of each other over it for several more decades.
khairete
S.
She didn't need to be snarky about it, but at the same time, I think you may have gone too far. Unless you are that protective of your carpet with everyone (because dead bugs, dirt balls, seeds, etc. can also get in shoes), she had a reason to feel put upon.
If this is the first time this happend, and you value the friendship, apologize to her for being OCD-ish, blame it on PMS, carpet being freshly shampood reaction, whatever.
Per your SWH - um, she's a careless/uncaring smoker. She "isn't thoughtful enough"? She flicked her butt into the ivy? Maybe I'm reading too much into her, but she doesn't sound like a nice person. Is she a FRIEND you've know for decades, or a person you're friendly with? There's a difference.
I would not be bugged about her walking back in the house with ash on her shoe, but I would be really annoyed that she ground the cigarette out on my deck and then threw the butt in my ivy. That's littering my yard. Thanks, friend. I'd have a no smoking allowed house and only let her smoke outside on the porch when visiting. I'd keep or bring some container (like a can) out there for her to use as an ashtray. I would not buy ashtrays for my friend to use in my house. yuck. I hate cigarettes and cigarette smoke.
Part 1 - no
part 2 - Um, yes. But it is funny that you made her take her shoe off to wipe it, BUT since you all have known each other for decades and you insist on wiping off her shoes, no biggie. She should know you by now.
I will say, when we have smokers over, I tell them exactly where to put their butts, how to put them out, etc. It is my house:)
Why not give your friend an ashtray or something else to discard her cig in? Like an old soda can or something that you can just throw away afterward? That would be the polite thing to do.
There are much worse things she or YOU could be stepping in just an everyday walk (animal pee and poop) and then come traipsing in your home.
Maybe everyone should just take their shoes off at the door and the problem is solved.
As for #1, if she had an ashtray and chose to put the cigarette out on the deck anyway I'd be pretty annoyed. If she was outside and had nothing to put it out in then she at least didn't just toss it out in the backyard still lit.
If you did part 2 to me we would no longer be friends, that's just way too anal.
IF she has remained your friend after all these years and you treat her smoking like this then perhaps you need to figure out how to spend time with her outside of your home.
As for shoes, I often tell the kids to stay off the floor in public places. I tell them how gross the floors are.
People wear shoes outside and outside has all sorts of nasty stuff. Dog poop, dead bugs and decaying animal bits, dirt with bacteria in it, animal urine, bird feces, pollutants out of the air, pollen, and all sorts of other stuff.
So I am always telling the kids to stay off the floors. At home we tend to go barefoot and leave our muddy shoes in the mud room.
I think that you see how dirty shoes are but normal people just don't over react to this.
She had worse things on the bottom of her shoe than a few ashes. She had germs and bacteria on them first.
None of this would bother me. I don't smoke and only allow people to smoke out on my deck. The rug at the door is there to help with debris on the bottom of shoes. I wouldn't ask someone to or wipe off the bottom of their shoes. I keep a small ashtray container on my deck for folks to use so they don't throw their buds around my yard.
Part 1) no, no
Part 2) I would be we attempt to wipe off someone's shoe OR ask them to remove their shoes.
How do you get from outside in with NOTHING on your own shoes? ;)
I just LOVE when friends come over, drop by unannounced, come and stay late, or come to my Girls Night Out parties. I would have just cleaned the area after she left.
Did she put it out on the grass or the deck? If on the deck, I'd be upset. Grass, not so much.
I think that when you have guests over, you shouldn't ask them to remove their shoes. It's rude. Unless it's your BFF who you can say, take your shoes off so I don't have to clean up after you.
If this was my closest friend, she wouldn't care and might say something in jest. But if it's just a good friend, then I think you should have just said kick those cigarette smashers off before I have to clean the carpet.
I don't think it's worth fighting over.
SOME (yes, I added this so that people don't think I mean EVERY smoker...) smokers seem to think that the world owes them a LOT of latitude. Your friend of decades thinks you owe her a lot of latitude, too. Roll your eyes and hold on to the shoe for dear life...
:)
OMG Rosebud,
SHE IS THE FUSSY ONE!
Not you.
Its your home.
Your rug.
Your rules.
She should accommodate you/your house rules, and be a gracious guest.
She is not a child, you should not have to follow her around with an ashtray etc. or a napkin to wipe the sole of her shoes.
She is not Royalty.
Tell her to GET over it.
She is rude.
Bottom line.
Just tell her off.
Tell her, she can NO longer smoke when she is at your home.
Or, do it on the STREET, not on your property.
So she can stub out the cig, ON the street... NOT on your patio deck.
I keep an ashtray on my front porch and my patio. I don't allow smoking in the house and I don't allow butts thrown on the ground.
I also don't go checking the bottoms of guests' shoes for ash or any other soilage. I have a mat by the door, they wipe their feet when they come in, and we call it kosher. The only time I would ask a guest to remove shoes before coming inside is if they were utterly caked with mud or if they had stepped in dog/cat droppings.
So to answer your questions, yes it would bug me to have someone throw butts in my shrubbery or stamp them out on the ground.
If I were the smoker in question, it would bug the piss out of me to be asked to hand over my shoes so that the soles could be wiped off.
I despise smoking but we've had a worker at our house on and off who does this and it's never occurred to me to ask him to take off his shoes bc of it...I think my only concern would be if the lighted cigarette dropped on the deck and then grinding it somehow stained the deck...
I'm sure you have stepped on worse in a parking lot then walked into your house. Maybe you can make her an ashtray that hangs around her neck and get her some of those disposable shoes they give you when you get a pedi.
All of my friends that smoke know I'm a non-smoker. When they come to my home, they know that their last puff is in their own car. I don't want smoking on my property or in my home. Not even outside my house... the smoke wafts into the house and I have seriously bad allergies to cigarette smoke that triggers terrible asthma attacks for days. I'm easing out of mild bronchitis right now from breathing second hand smoke off of one of my client's clothes.
So no, you're not being fussy. Your friend knows your preferences for your home and she chooses to disregard them. She's being rude and inconsiderate.
It might bug me but so would my friend insisting that I remove my shoe so she can wipe it with a wet napkin before entering her house.
It seems you guys need a little stronger boundaries in your realtionship. Sometimes you just let little things go for the sake of manners.
1) Would not bug me either way. What WOULD bug me is if she didn't pick up the butt and throw it in a trash can.
2) It would not bug me if she insinuted that I was fussy because, to me, that is being fussy. Wiping the shoe with a wet napkin is going a bit too far.
Does everyone take off their shoes when they come into your home? That's not at all strange - a lot of people require that. But, if not, do you inspect the bottoms of their shoes before they are allowed to come in?
I realized after reading this that I don't even have friends that smoke! So I don't know whether I'd be annoyed by part 1) but I sure would be annoyed by part 2). She should respect your home.
