Smoking/Should We NOT Be Able to See Grandaughter in Our Home for a Short Period

I'm gonna be blunt. Aside from it being a health issue for the baby, it just smells so GROSS. I can't go into a home where people smoke because of the smell and the fact that even after I leave, the smell will be in my clothes and hair. It's not their fault you have an unhealthy, smelly addiction so you are going to have to see the baby where they think it's safest for baby.

Smoking is a deal breaker. My father smokes and I wouldn't bring my new born around him either under the circumstances.

Yes DIL is being a hard @ss but I would too with my new born bundle of baby love.

I hate to tell you this, but when our daughter was 2, we went to visit my father and his wife at their home. First time,.

Big smokers. And even though they did not smoke around her, they would go outside to smoke while we visited, they held her, carried her around, etc. I would immediately change our child's clothing after giving her a bath. She reeked of smoke. Yuck.

Their home was awful. Looked clean, but everything was covered in the smell. We purchased a fan and opened the windows, but it was just too much.

Mind you, our child had never been around smoking. She ended up in the hospital with pneumonia. 3 days.

She had asthma and this was just too much for her.

I had tried and tried to be so careful about avoiding their home, their clothes, covered in smoke. I would hand them a blanket for their shoulders, etc..

But we just could not come up with anymore excuses. I never forgot and from then on, if I knew something was not good for our child, I just said, no.

I did not care if people got pissed or feelings hurt I was no longer going to feel embarrassed for my child's needs. .

So sorry, but you may have your feelings hurt, but they really are protecting their child. When you hold their child, please hold the child facing away from you. Make sure your hair is freshly washed along with your clothing and your hands. And if you smoke a cigarette, do not hold the child again until you have once again, washed your hair, showered, changed your clothes and washed your hands.

Its her baby.
She is the Mom.
Your son, should not be in the middle of this or side with you.
This is his Wife.
And if he is repeatedly put in the middle, of conflicts between you and his Wife, then they will have marital problems. Do you want that?
And then she will be even more, protective of her baby, from you.

The compromise was that they invited you to visit them at their house. So you can do that.

It does not matter, if this is a blood son of your/your Husband's or not.
Or that this is your first "blood grandchild."
This is, their baby. And the Mom is the Mom. And this is her first child? She gets to, decide things for her child. She does. And she gets to decide things for her child, all throughout her child's life. The child, should NOT be put in the middle of this... nor be a tug of rope of who gets to see her or for how long or where.
Just be happy, the baby was born healthy and fine, because of the decisions the Mom made. For, her baby and while she was pregnant.

The point is: that she is the Mom. She makes the decisions. She and her Husband. And the Husband should not, be made to be against his own wife by the Grandparents.

The conflict with the Mom, will be continual. As long as her child raising approach and beliefs, are battled against. And by making her Husband be against her too. If she feels, that her In-Laws are not hospitable.... toward her... she will then begin to not... want to even be around you.
And also remember, she has parents too. Grandparents on that side of the family, for her baby. Too. This is her child. And this child is also the grandchild of HER family, too.

She is the Mom.

You don't like how she was while she was pregnant. You don't like that "she" has pets in their home. You don't like that she is protective of her baby to smoke. You even tell her she is irrational.
If my Mother In Law told me that... I would not want to be around her. Nor with my kids.
I would NOT let my Mother In Law, denigrate me and I would expect.... my Husband to be on my side.

You can start smoking outside. And wash your premises.
As the others said, smoke leaves residue on surfaces, everywhere. Too. Not just in the air.
At this time, I don't think they will ever leave their child there at your home... for any period of time, nor to babysit even if their child is older. In the future. Because of the smoke contaminants in your home. And/or, if the Mom feels that you will disregard her child rearing methods, then she will not want to have her child there at your home. Because, it will then be a constant battle over who has a say in her child's life or not.
But she is the Mom.
Just be glad her baby was born healthy and fine.
It is her child.
And it should NOT be a battle about who has dibs on the baby or not. Just because, she is regarded as the first blood grandchild.
This is her baby. Her child. She is the Mom. And their daughter ALSO has other grandparents. Who are her blood relatives TOO.

You said "there are far to many issue's with her...."
Well, there will be continual problems with her.
And because, since even when she was pregnant, you did not like how she handled her pregnancy.
And because you are making this about getting your son to go against his Wife and side with you.

This is her, baby. Her child.
The Mom, raises her child.
Totally.
And the Mom, decides things, for her child.
And the baby will be a part of the Mom's family too.

Do you, want your granddaughter... to be in a family who's parents always fight... because of what one Grandma insists on or not or because the Grandma, is always denying her Mommy's decisions? Do you want your Granddaughter to know and hear about how you don't like her Mommy?
Do you want, your granddaughter, to be stuck in the middle of a Grandma and her Mommy... because her Grandma retaliates against her Mommy?
Do not put, your granddaughter, in the middle of you or her Mommy.
Do not make your Granddaughter, the point of proving, how her Mommy is "irrational" and not a good Mommy, according to you.
That is just undermining the Mommy.
That is not, good.
It is not nice.
At all.

When my niece gave birth, she set down some similar rules for another aunt and uncle. The DOCTOR told her the baby wasn't allowed around anyone who smoked unless it was in a smoke-free home and they had a complete head-to-toe shower and changed into clothes fresh from the washing machine and dryer.

Third-hand smoke inhalation is just as bad, if not worse, than second-hand BECAUSE you don't know it's there and it holds all the toxins trapped.

http://cancer.dartmouth.edu/focus/children_third_hand_smo...

http://www2.aap.org/richmondcenter/DangerFromThirdhandSmo...

http://www.njgasp.org/ths.htm

Suck it up, Buttercup, and take a shower, take clean fresh from the laundry clothes, and go visit that baby. She's worth more to you than cigarettes, right?

they're not saying you can't see the baby, just that you need to not reek of nicotine when you handle her. what's your beef?
khairete
S.

She is not keeping you from the baby. She is keeping her baby from the smoke. I know it may annoy you. It may hurt your feelings a bit. But she is protecting her kiddo from something she feels is potentially dangerous.

My FIL is a smoker who has never smoked around our children. In fact our son is 8 and has no clue that pa pa is a smoker. My MIL and her mother don't allow it anywhere in or near the house, he has to wonder around outside to smoke. He never does it when the kids are around. And he would do absolutely anything for our kids. But even with that, we had to have a hard talk with my FIL. Every time he held the baby for any amount of time, the baby reeked of smoke. It is really unnerving to pick up your brand new pink baby and have him smell like an ash tray. So we had to talk to him. Yes. His feelings were hurt a little. And yes, he was probably annoyed. But he respected us as parents. When he came over he would make sure he was wearing a fresh clean shirt that he hadn't smoked in. He never complained and never made us feel bad. He just did what he needed to do to get time in with his grandbabies.

You may feel attacked. But you DIL is simply protecting her kid.

Actually, she isn't being crazy. Your other children may not have cared, but that doesn't mean that your son and his wife are being ridiculous. I know people who choose not to vaccinate, too... does that mean that people who do are crazy and over the top paranoid? Nope.

Look, today's generation is much better informed about the hazards of second hand and THIRD HAND smoke. It isn't just in the air. It leaves chemicals all over surfaces and in fabrics. I'd be hesitant, too, if I were your DIL. Asthma is RAMPANT these days, and doctors don't really know why. They do know that exposure to cigarette smoke in childhood has correlations to it, and potentially contributing factor status.

As for the pets and pet dander, there are studies that show the opposite about that. Exposure in childhood can PREVENT allergies to them later on. It is actually considered good for their immune system, unless there is a history of allergies in the family.
http://www.nbcnews.com/id/35318118/ns/health-addictions/t...

And as for exposure while out shopping, most places are smoke free these days, and also hard surfaces, so actually, she is probably exposing the baby to fewer carcinogens at Walmart than by visiting your house.

I'm sorry, but I know it seems harsh, but I agree with your daughter in law. Especially as a new mom you feel SO crazy protective of your baby. I was just like this when my son was born. My mom and her husband smoked and we would only visit their house if they smoked outside and they could only visit us if they smoked outside. We hated going to their house bc the house reeks of smoke and my mom's car was so smelly inside. When you do no smoke yourself it is so much stronger and awful than for the person who does smoke and is used to it. My mom tried to quit smoking her entire life and never could do it. She finally did it right before my daughter was born! She can't believe how much better she feels...it has been over 4 years for her now. You should agree to your DIL's rules. They are fair. She is not being crazy about this.

You don't seem to like "her". But she is the baby's mother. And honestly, not wanting your child (BABY) exposed to nicotine and smoke is NOT overprotective. Second hand smoke causes way more issues than first hand does. Including cancer, allergies, and asthma. Small infants could get respiratory issues, too. Simply not smoking in front of the child doesn't make much of a difference either. The nicotine and smoke will cling to every surface in your home, your clothes, and your body. Respect her boundaries and rights as the mother. And please stop putting the son in the middle. He should be on her side.

It sounds like the issue is that you smoke in your home. Not smoking for an hour or two will not clear your home of smoke. If you want your grandchild in your home you may need to start smoking outside all the time and get the walls and floors cleaned so the baby is not laying in or crawling around on residue. It may seem irrational to you, but we know enough about how dangerous cigarettes are now that I can understand her concern (and this is coming form someone who smoked for 16 years). Being exposed to even second hand smoke can increase the risk of sids.

I know you probably think you home is fine, I know I never noticed the horrible smell in my own until I stopped smoking and my full sense of smell returned and I was no longer used to always smelling smoke, and then I realized my house was horrible! And, if you are like my grandparents who smoked in their home for several years, you may not even realize just how bad it is. Growing up I thought my grandparents had off white paint, almost yellow, until we washed the walls to prepare them for painting. The yellow had just been residue and the paint underneath was pure white.

In the end it is her child and she is doing what she feels is best for the child's health and there is nothing you can do about that. So, either be okay just visiting the child at their home (with washed hands and clean cloths on) or start smoking outside only and get the housed deep cleaned.

I won't criticize, because I know how hard it is to quit. I am now TWO MONTHS tobacco free - yay!! I can certainly offer encouragement when you decide to quit - I didn't want to, but was forced to because I literally couldn't afford it anymore - and I'm so happy it's over.

That being said, she has every right not to want her baby at your house. Doesn't matter if you don't smoke "around" the baby - your house is full of carcinogens and carcinogenic residue. That's just a fact. Being around animals is not going to give you cancer! I think that you are the one being a bit unreasonable, not her.

I'm not sure what to tell you - the win/win would be to quit smoking and give your house a thorough cleaning. Save your money you would have used smoking, and buy yourself a treat each week for the first month or two. Think about how much better you will eventually feel, how much more energy you will have for the grandchildren (yes, it surprised me, but I have WAY WAY more energy now), how much money you will have to do something else with, how much nicer your skin will feel - and believe me, after a week of quitting, you begin to smell it on other people while passing in the store, etc, and it REEKS. I could never smell it before, and I think - OH my God, I smelled like that. How embarrasing.

So, this whole thing is not a lecture, believe me - I feel so blessed to have finally quit that I just really want to share it with you and encourage you a bit in that regard. I can't speak to your daughter-in-law - perhaps she's unreasonable with other issues or a total nut, I don't know. I just have more concern for you and this issue since I am still dealing with the quitting process.

Second-hand smoke has been found to be unhealthy, especially for the sensitive, and this includes children. Worse, the residue left by smoke on surfaces still contains most of the toxics from the original cigarette, and can be easily absorbed through the skin (this is why drug patches work – the skin is a giant sponge).

I'm a granny from an older generation that treated smoking much more casually. My early years included 3 adult smokers, and I suffered from asthma and chronic lung distress for my entire childhood (a problem that later prevented me from getting full insurance coverage or experiencing the simple pleasure of full health).

Not every child is triggered in that way, but every child will still be absorbing those toxins through the skin, and they accumulate. Even if there's no smoke in the air, it's on your furniture, clothing, hair and skin. And modern life is already so loaded with toxins (unfortunately, many of the laundry and cleaning products used by moms today are also surprisingly toxic), it is difficult but important to avoid the hazards we CAN recognize. Research is revealing that many toxins are even more dangerous in combination with others.

I didn't realize until growing up and getting out of a smoky home that it was a major cause of asthma attacks. Nor did I realize how horrible my childhood home must have smelled until I traded apartments with a smoker during a trip – he assured me that he didn't smoke and that his apartment was clean. It reeked. Middle of winter in Boston, I had to leave all the windows open, and still could hardly bear the stink. Even on the blankets, pillows, roll of toilet paper. Smokers simply have no idea. And after a day and a half, I had to find a hotel for the remainder of my trip, because I was having trouble breathing, even with my asthma meds.

It's sad that you don't get to have the grandchild in your home. Knowing what I have learned about smoke and its byproducts, I wouldn't knowingly bring my child into a smoker's home, either. Might you keep trying to quit?

My grandfather quit smoking when my mom got pregnant. What an act of love!!
Does this motivate you at all to quit? Regardless, I would not turn this into a power struggle. You will be sure to loose this battle.
Congratulations on your new granddaughter.

You post a question and expect everybody to answer per your rules??? No
One is saying anything mean,critical or rude. The responses I have read are from our perspectives as moms and how we would handle the issue . I'm sorry your view is not the "norm" but that's life.

I can understand the new mom's point. I also pick up some negativity toward this new mom in your post. Even if you smoke outside while they are there or not.... Your home still reeks of smoke smell.

We are very sensitive to smoke. I do not eat in a restaurant where smoking is allowed nor do I frequent any nightly entertainment where there is smoke. In the past when I've been in a place where smokers smoke, inside or out, my head stops up and I end up sick 2-3 days plus I feel like I smell like smoke and I wash everything I touch, including a scrub down shower. It's gross.

I've been sensitive all my life and so has my 19 yr old daughter. If we see someone smoking, we go the opposite way. It is a nasty stinky habit and my daughter nor I should have to spend 2-3 days having respiratory issues because someone has to have their fix, not to mention the other health dangers second hand smoke causes.

If you've smoked in and out of your home for 40 yrs, you can use all the febreeze in the world and it will not make the nasty smell or residue go away.

Consider your grand child's health. Try to understand this new mom's concern and respect her as a mom.

Smoking was glamorous a long time ago but now it is looked down upon for the numerous health issues is causes and how much it cost our society .

When my daughter was ten months old, we visited my in-laws. My MIL was a smoker and "didn't smoke inside the house" while we were there. Her idea of not smoking inside the house was to stand at the balcony door and hold the lit cigarette outside. It seems the idea of what smoking inside the house means is not the same to everyone. What is your idea of "smoking outside"? Standing outside next to an open window doesn't count, either.

Second, from the years of accumulated smoke in the house, my daughter's snot had turned black by the end of the first evening (as had mine). From these two experiences, I can completely understand not wanting to bring a baby into a smokers home. When we had to do it, we saw the physical evidence off what breathing second hand smoke from furniture, walls, etc. did to our baby.

The baby should not visit a house where anybody smokes, regardless of whether the smoking occurs when the baby is there. Baby shouldn't be held by anybody wearing clothes they smoked in that day either. This isn't a criticism, it is simply the truth and the medical community would agree. Any exposure is a health risk to the baby. Babies shouldn't be exposed to even a teensy bit of cigarette smoke. The baby doesn't benefit from that exposure. You should visit with the baby at baby's home or another location. It's fine that you find it difficult to kick the habit, but it doesn't mean that the baby should be exposed to a smoking home. That isn't an attack on you personally. As a grandparent, you should want what is best and healthiest for the baby, which means not being exposed to your home and cigarette smoke. The parents are doing the right thing.

The simple fact is that you do not get to make the rules for your grandchild period. They have asked something of you that I feel is quite reasonable. They do not want their child around the smoke and smell. You have a very nasty habit and it reeks. You no longer smell it but I promise that others that do not smoke do.

I have a friend that is a very heavy smoker...as in there are times that you cannot be within 3 feet of her. She bought a new car last year. We went out to lunch a couple of weeks later to celebrate. The car stunk so bad already that I seriously started getting sick. I will never ride in her car again.

It seems as though you want answers to justify your habit. Smoking is your right of course as an adult. It is also their right as parents to a newborn to NOT expose their baby to the effects of your habit.

I do not understand why this is so hard for your to understand. Life is about choices. It seems as though you have chosen your habit over your grandchild. They have not forbidden you to see their baby...they have just asked you to do a few things to minimize the smell of your smoking...

I haven't read the other posts yet, so I don't know what other people are saying to you.

This is my opinion. Your daughter-in-law and her husband will have lots to get through in their early parenting lives. I promise you that new scared mommies are not going to listen to The Mother-in-Law when it comes to what isn't bad for their new offspring. You aren't helping yourself AT ALL by telling her that she's irrational.

It is actually a GOOD sign that she has animals and takes the baby out. The baby needs to get used to normal germs out in the world so that she develops a healthy immune system. You are ignoring that fact because it doesn't mesh with your opinion that smoking residue is a non-issue.

I have a family member who smokes like a chimney. Her apartment REEKS, and no one in her family will go to her apartment for a visit for more than a few minutes (mostly to take her things or go pick her up.) When she gets in their cars, the car reeks for a long time. SHE cannot smell it. She gets twisted up that people won't come. My 80 something year old mom came to a family wedding, and NO ONE would allow my mom to stay with her, even though this woman begged. They all told my mom that she'd be sick to her stomach by the time she left. I'm sure they were right. (My mom is a non-smoker.)

Smoke permeates everything in a house. Curtains, walls, clothes, upholstery. When house hunting, I've gone in houses with realtors and not even gone upstairs because the house smelled so badly of cigarettes. I went out in the back yard of one house and the owners were sitting in lawn chairs smoking. They asked me if I liked the house, and I was honest and told them that I couldn't tell if I liked it because the smell of smoke was so pervasive that I couldn't even walk through it. I told them that most likely, the only people who would consider buying it were other smokers. I have no idea if they did anything about it.

If I were you, I'd tell your son and DIL that when you come over, your hair will be washed and the clothes that you wear will be newly washed and stored in a plastic bag. You could even offer to have clothes in their house for you to change into when you come.

I am sure that it's very hard for you to quit smoking after 40 years. It's a shame, since SO many hard core smokers die of smoking related diseases, and they are painful ways to go, R.. But you two don't HAVE to smoke in your house. That's just "convenient" for you. There are plenty of households where ONE person smokes and the rest of the family won't put up with smoking in the house. The smoker GOES OUTSIDE.

If you want your husband's son and his family to come visit you, make a decision to change your lifestyle. Get your house clean. That includes washing walls and curtains, and getting carpets cleaned. Deal with your closet full of clothes that smells like an ashtray. Stop smoking inside the house. DO NOT smoke in your car. That just puts you inside a capsule so that smoke permeates your clothes and hair.

You might just find that you and your husband smoke fewer cigarettes, you body gets used to it, you start buying fewer cartons, and you might find that it gets easier and easier to smoke less.

Lastly, I will tell you that the more you dig in your heels on this, the more you will guarantee that your son and his family are NOT close to you. Then what you will have done, R., is chosen CIGARETTES over your GRANDCHILD. Your choice. It is amazing to me how many people actually do that. And it's a damn shame.

I think if you want to see the baby you should shower and go see the baby. and don't smoke either before or on the way. no she is not being irrational. there is as much damage done to a new babys lungs through second hand inhalation as there is through the actual smoking of an adult. no sure why you think that it matters that this is a blood son or not. a new baby should not have to breath in smoke smell. if you want to see the baby go see her. if not then stay home. I am not criticizing if you smoke you smoke. but the babys mom is totally within her rights to say what she feels is good/not good for the baby. and she reached out to you to have you come visit.

I have to say the mother of the infant is within her rights and is not being irrational.

My father smoked in the house while I grew up and I was an asthma baby. When I was an adult, he told me he thought they were going to lose me because I was so sick. Today I look at that and wonder two things. Why did he smoke around me and why didn't my mother stand up for me.

My husband is a smoker as well. I still love him all the same. When I met him, he knew I didn't like smoking and it was not allowed in my home. He tried a few times and I called him on it. Then there was the car issue. He smoked but hung his arm out the window. It was fine as long as I wasn't in the car when he did it. I don't have a no smoking sign on my front door, but there is a table out front with an ashtray on it. Most smokers have a seat before entering.

After our daughter was born, the smoking in the car stopped. He didn't get it, but it stopped. She is an asthma baby too. Every doctor visit, the doctors lectured him that it is proven that babies/children can get second hand smoke from a smokers clothing. He can't smell it, but I can.

If your grandchild hasn't had the opportunity to breath through a nebulizer yet, she is lucky. When a child struggles with asthma, it really is like a fish out of water. On top of struggling for air, they become congested with phlegm, and their lungs pump their stomach so hard as they gasp for air that they puke...everything.

As for her asking you to clean the walls, it is because the tar and nicotine stay in the walls. One day I decided to wash my dads car. I couldn't clean the windshield. I finally figured out it was dirty from the inside. The towels were a yellow brown from all the nicotine on the windshield. And, when he moved out, we washed the walls and it was like a fresh new layer of paint.

You have to realize that smoking is your choice. Your daughter in law is standing up for her child.

Best wishes.

I agree with the daughter in law. As long term smokers, you don't realize how much just your clothes and home smell of smoke. Third hand smoke (inhaling fumes from a smoker even though they are not actively smoking) has proven negative health effects. Pets actually have shown to improve kid's immune systems, so I'd drop that argument. Your DIL is the key to your granddaughter, if you want a relationship with her than follow her rules. They're actually quite rational and definitely in the best interest of the baby.

I think the bigger issue here is how you are going to work with her rules so you can see your granddaughter. I am sorry but that is just how it is. M. bear is going to hold her cub close and not budge on the rules. Sooo, go and enjoy your granddaughter on her rules.

If you don't learn to do this..then you can kiss your relationship goodbye. It will be a constant power struggle. Go enjoy that sweet granddaughter at their home.

Yes..your son is wrapped around his wife's finger. That is how it is supposed to be. Protect your wife...protect your babies is his instinct. He comes home to her..he gets his lovin' from her...he is going to protect that relationship. Not to mention..you have a cancer causing,asthma causing and stinky addiction. It is hard for your son to argue with keeping his baby healthy&his wife happy up against your stinky home.

I am sorry this is happening. The best thing you could do is quit smoking for the sake of your health and a relationship with your family. My children will NEVER smoke. They adored their great grandfather but watched as he was continuously butchered up by doctors for the last 10 years of his life..then talking and eating out of a hole in his throat.

Sorry, I'm on their side also.

Their child, their rules.

I hated, hated as a child in the '70s visiting my great-aunts who were smokers. They were lovely ladies who doted on me and my brother, but their home smelled of smoke and when we left, so did we, although they made a point of not smoking around us and opened the windows if we asked. During one visit, my brother began coughing and couldn't stop. We went to the ER and he was diagnosed with asthma. It runs in our family, but he had never had an attack until then. After that, my mom didn't make us visit.
Your DIL doesn't want to hurt your feelings, but she must protect the baby.

We have similar rules for our kids. My husband is very allergic and has allergic asthma, so my children are at a higher risk for developing asthma and other respiratory issues. I will not bring them to a smoker's house as babies - though I am a little more lenient when they get older.

My mother is and has always been a heavy smoker, so is everyone in my family (sister, her husband...). It is heard for smokers to understand and see, but you are so used to the smoke you probably don't notice...
My mothers house REEKS of smoke, EVERYTHING stinks. She is not unclean, there are no filled ashtrays or anything like that and she always has the windows open. She even paints the walls every 2 years and regularly washes the curtains. But the smoke clings to everything it touches: furniture upholstery, clothes, hair, carpet, towels in the bathrooms, curtains, walls, dust... I never noticed this when I was growing up like this - only after I moved out and returned. Yuck!

Even when she comes to visit us she smells like smoke (her hair, clothes, skin).

I would say your DIL is right here to keep her young infant out of an environment like that. It isn't a statement against you, but it is is what pediatricians recommend nowadays (prevention of exposure to second and third hand smoke) and she is simply trying to protect her baby's health best that she can.

This really is not something you should create drama over. Go visit her at her house and if you smoke on the car ride there be considerate and change your clothes when you get there.

You can certainly do in your own house and with your own health whatever you like, but for a non-smoker (even one like me who did smoke in the past) being exposed to that cold smoke smell that clings to a smoker is truly disgusting - imagine having to sit next to someone with the worst BO you can think of.

Good luck.

It really sounds like she is just trying to look out for her baby's health and 3rd hand smoke is a health risk especially for infants. It has been linked to SIDs and asthma.
Just go over there whether you agree with it or not. It's not something you should make a big deal out of. Your daughter in law might have felt akward asking you guys but feels its something she needs to do for her child. Just treat her with respect by honoring that request. That way, you will start out your relationship with her as a mother on a good note. It may go a long way in your relationship with your grandchild.

I think your DIL just gave you the best reason to quit.....a beautiful granddaughter!

Now do it so you can visit more and show that baby how much you care about her!

Even if I didn't have kids, I would NEVER step foot in a persons home who smoked in it.

Are you seriously comparing taking a child into a smokers home to taking a child out shopping? I hope you didn't use that line on your son & DIL.

I understand you cannot give up smoking BUT there are other things you can do. How about having your home professionally cleaned, top to bottom, and ONLY smoke outside from now on? I would even have a hard time not going to visit your home after that act of kindness.

I'm not going to sugarcoat this for you. My parents would be alive today, still doting on their granddaughters if it weren't for &%*#^%&#* smoking. I hate, hate, hate that it took their lives early. I hate that my kids had to watch their favorite grandparents die from emphysema and strokes. It was awful for all of us. I know it's not easy to quit. I watched them struggle and finally quit..... much too late. Please, for the sake of your beautiful grandchildren, try chantix or the new ecigs or something... but QUIT!!!

I took both my kids to my parents' home. They didn't smoke around them, but their home was dirty with smoke residue. I could see it on the walls of my dad's bathroom. Condensation from his showers would sit on the walls and run down, and it turned white walls rust colored. Yuk. Still, we did go there because I figured my kids weren't licking the walls and when they were little they were on blankets. Yes, it was probably on the couches and chairs, but we all survived.

You can't change their minds about bringing the baby over, so why not just suck it up and go visit them for now? Things might change when the baby is older.

But please, please, please figure out how to quit before it's too late. Don't subject your children and grandchildren to death by smoking. It's not pretty at all. People do quit. It CAN BE DONE. Just do it!

So you want permission to smoke? You're an adult, right? You know that smoking is not healthy. Why would you expose an infant to it?

I remember when my now 15 year old was born. Paranoid. Behind everything and everyone was a boogeyman coming to snatch my precious child from me. Now with number 4? Nope. No boogeymen. Just life. When all of my boys were babies, everyone had to wash their hands to hold 'em, even my husband (their father) and myself. Didn't have to be a surgical scrub, but they needed to be washed.

Like others have said, compromise. A burping blanket or something over you.

You both are wrong in my book. Why?
1. You are kidding yourself if you don't think you reek of smoke. I would bet you smell like an ashtray.
2. She's being way overprotective.

I personally would NOT take my kids to your house. Not after 40 years of smoking in it. In that, she's right. Your walls are permeated with the smoke. Go up to your wall with a wet WHITE washcloth or wet WHITE paper towel and then wipe it down. It won't be white anymore.

You do need to respect her rules though. Grandchild or not, it's HER child.

S.

I know that as a smoker, you've become a part of the smell, but even if you don't smoke while the baby is present, the smell will be there. We've never been to my parent's house because my husband is allergic to both cigarette smoke and cats, of which my parents have/do both. They have never had a problem, either we all meet at a neutral location (usually one of my grandparents or my sister's house) or our house. My dad would even bring a clean shirt to change into so that the baby wasn't rubbing it's face on his smoke-filled shirt, which i thought was a pretty nice thing for him to volunteer to do. I had really bad asthma as a kid because of their smoking which has cleared up since I've been out of their house, so I didn't feel bad about making these rules. I know you want them to come visit, but they're just trying to do what's right for their baby's health, and of course, first time parents are going to be a little overboard on health matters. I understand that it's hard to quit, I never asked my parents to (well, I did when I was a kid, but I didn't really understand addiction then, I just knew I hated it).

If you are still reading replies after so many, I wonder if you will even see this one but here goes:

You want only answers and no "criticism" but if you keep reading this reply you may find it ends up more positive for you than you think it will. But you have to get through some criticism first.

There is a bigger issue here, isn't there? You don't like your daughter in law much. Read your own post: "She has him wrapped around her finger." She is "irrational" and you told her so (did you use that word? Not a good idea if you want her to pay attention to you seriously). You say "there are far too many issues with her" so this is not only about the smoke and the baby, is it? And you bring up her choice to expose her baby to her own pets - again, if you mention that to her, you are only going to make her harden her position, not see things your way. You seem invested in not "losing" and not letting her "win" and that seems to have started before the baby came along, yes?

It's fine not to like her. Truly it is. But it is not fine to tell her or your son that they are dead wrong, or to compare them out loud to your other adult children ("The other two have brought their children here...and they were fine with it.") All those things will drive her and the baby and your son farther from you. And you will blame her for it 100 percent but take no responsibility for your role in that. If you do the things with her and him that you do here -- she's irrational, she's in the wrong to have pets, she's dominating your son, etc. -- you have gone about this the wrong way and will bear some of the responsibility for that.

My own mother smoked from the time she was a teenager until she died (of COPD induced by smoking, but that's not what you want to hear). I was worried about taking my newborn to visit her in her smoker's home.

Here's what our pediatrician said: "Your mother won't be around forever. You will want your child to have known her and will want her to know your child. Go see her. As long as she's not smoking around the baby, visits will not create permanent harm."

The doctor was so right. I am glad I never again worried about the smoking (except for the fact it was killing my mom, but it wasn't hurting my child). We would go visit and my mom never, smoked around our child. In fact she smoked only in her bedroom and outdoors when we visited and not in the other rooms of her house where I know she usually smoked. She removed all ashtrays from everywhere. She did a good cleanup before we came and aired things out. Yes, I would still smell smoke -- as smokers you may not realize how deeply ingrained smoke is in every wall and ceiling and floor of your house but it is; however we did still visit. And the house smelled better than it ever had, because she was determined to have it OK for her grandchild.

I should be clear that we never, ever once said "If you don't do X you cannot see the baby!" SHE was the first to say "Of course I won't smoke anywhere near the baby." And I saw and smelled the evidence of her other efforts.

If you want to see this grandchild, make the first move even though you detest your daughter in law. Swallow your anger and say, "We'll do more than cover up -- we'll commit to changing immediately before you visit. We'll smoke only the bedroom and outside before you come. And yes, we will wash the walls because heck, they need it anyway." In other words-- go beyond what they say they want from you and be the ones to step up and offer it. And don't push them to stay for long visits. AND never be grumpy or snarky about it when you meet them elsewhere -- in fact, you should be the ones sometimes suggesting that you meet elsewhere to see the baby, so they don't see you as insisiting that it's all about your being only on your turf to make some point.

Sounds like you don't want to cave to their demands, and I agree that they are being a pain. Having been there, as the child of a lifelong smoker, I also understand that they are worried. And you have big issues that seem to be older than the baby! But why not take the high road and say, "You know, let's start over with this baby and get off on the right foot. We'd love to see her at your house and we'd love to see her here sometimes too, and we'll curb the smoking BEFORE you come over."

If you smoke inside your home - at any time, company present or not - then to a non smoker everything smells. You are so used to it that it isn't something you'd notice.

I adore my mother, but we rarely visit her at her house. She and my brother are both heavy smokers and smoke inside. All it takes is 15 minutes and our clothes and hair pick up the smell. The rare times we do visit, we all need to shower and the clothes go straight to the laundry when we return home. I usually have to take an allergy medication.

There was a long stretch of years before my stepfather died that no one smoked inside the house. The smokers there smoked outdoors, or in bad weather they would go to the detached garage. We didn't have any problems visiting then. Now that smoking happens inside the house, we just can't be there. We haven't asked her to stop smoking inside, or to quit, or anything else. We simply stated why we could not be there anymore; it is just how it has to be for our well being. Mom doesn't take it personally at all. She visits us, or we meet up somewhere, etc. No drama. :-)

If mom was to decide to go back to outdoor smoking only, and have the house cleaned out (it would take quite a bit of work & time) then we'd resume visiting. I'd never ask her to do that though. She is the boss of her home, as I am the boss of mine.

I'm not going to comment on the other issues/problems you've touched on, but in the singular matter of not visiting your home because you smoke in it, your daughter-in-law and son have a factual and logical reason, and are in the right.

Sorry but I'm with your DIL on this one. If you smoke inside your home, which is certainly your right, that smoke residue is everywhere. I bet if you washed your walls, you would see that there is a layer of brown/yellow film on them from the tobacco smoke build up. That nastiness is in your drapery, upholstery, hair, skin and clothes. I can count on one hand the number of people I know who smoke inside their homes and I don't go inside their houses because within a few minutes, my eyes start to water and my throat itches. And that's not when they're smoking, it's from the residue that is there. I'm pretty cavalier about exposing kids to germs but I too would draw the line at smoke residue and would not expose a newborn to that irritation.

Perhaps this article will convince you that your DIL isn't crazy?
http://newscenter.lbl.gov/news-releases/2010/02/08/danger...

I think you should take the compromise, wash up, put on clean clothes and go spend time with your granddaughter in a place where the air is free of cigarette toxins.

Their baby, their decision. I'm guessing that if the baby developed allergies to their pets, they would rehome them. That really has nothing to do with all of the tobacco smoke and residue that has accumulated in your home which is what is of concern for your grandchild's mother.

I'm not criticizing you, if you want to smoke then by all means smoke but, given the dangers of secondhand smoke, I think you need to realize that your son and wife are not being unreasonable.

I grew up in a house with smokers and I myself smoked for years, but quit smoking when I decided to get pregnant. It wasn't until I quit smoking I realized how gross the smell was. I can not walk past a smoker or visit a home with smoking anymore without gagging. I can certainly understand not allowing the baby in that atmosphere. Even allowing a child to become accustomed to the smell...I'm sure I would never have started smoking if I had not been accustomed to the smell. I would have found it repulsive! My sister is a smoker, and we visit her, but she and her husband only smoke outside because she doesn't want to mess up her house. For a whole year before I actually quit I only allowed myself to smoke outside. Perhaps that would be a solution for your situation. Stop smoking indoors. Your house will be cleaner for baby to visit, and you will probably find yourself smoking less.

Sorry, I'm on her side.

In the end, she's the mom so she gets to make the rules. If you want to see your grandchild, then you have to follow those rules.

I would not and do not take my children to the homes of smokers, especially when infants. Even if you don't smoke around the baby, it has permeated your home-the couch, the curtains, the carpet, the walls, everything. Your clothing, skin and hair are permeated also and breathing that in, referred to as Third-Hand Smoke, has been shown to be high risk and linked to SIDS. I follow the same rules as your DIL, smokers wash hands, tie back hair, and cover with a blanket or they do not hold my babies.
Either follow her rules for the health and safety of your grandchild or don't hold the baby. Pretty simple to me.

I haven't read your answers so I don't know if I'm repeating anything. For me, I absolutely can't stand the SMELL of smoke. Being in a smoker's car or home even if they aren't smoking when I'm there, leaves the smell of smoke on clothes and belongings. I just can't stand having that smell on me or my things. I'd have to go home, wash all my clothes/coat, etc and take a shower. Now, if you add a baby to the mix, a new mom/dad have every right to not want their baby and all their belongings to be covered with that smell. I don't necessarily think it's terribly harmful to be breathing for a very short period of time, although babies are so small - I just wouldn't want to risk it.

My DD is now 14 but she has asthma/allergies and being around smoke or smoke smell is out of the question. Please don't make this an issue and go see the baby at their house. They have enough on their plates caring for a new life with probably very little sleep and lots of extra things to do. Be the loving grandparents you are and accommodate the wishes of the parents.

I'd also like to add that quitting must be HARD. If it was easy, more people would be successful at it. My father was a lifelong smoker. When my oldest nephew was born in 1988, my sister asked my father if he wanted to be around to see him and his other not-yet-born grandchildren grow up. My father quit cold turkey that day (after smoking 1-2 packs a day). My father just turned 83 and is in very good health. He's so glad he's around to see his now six grandchildren grow up. Best of luck to you.

Straight from the Mayo Clinic:

What is thirdhand smoke, and why is it a concern?
Answers from Lowell Dale, M.D.

Thirdhand smoke is generally considered to be residual nicotine and other chemicals left on a variety of indoor surfaces by tobacco smoke. This residue is thought to react with common indoor pollutants to create a toxic mix. This toxic mix of thirdhand smoke contains cancer-causing substances, posing a potential health hazard to nonsmokers who are exposed to it, especially children.

Studies show that thirdhand smoke clings to hair, skin, clothes, furniture, drapes, walls, bedding, carpets, dust, vehicles and other surfaces, even long after smoking has stopped. Infants, children and nonsmoking adults may be at risk of tobacco-related health problems when they inhale, ingest or touch substances containing thirdhand smoke. Thirdhand smoke is a relatively new concept, and researchers are still studying its possible dangers.

Thirdhand smoke residue builds up on surfaces over time and resists normal cleaning. Thirdhand smoke can't be eliminated by airing out rooms, opening windows, using fans or air conditioners, or confining smoking to only certain areas of a home. Thirdhand smoke remains long after smoking has stopped. In contrast, secondhand smoke is the smoke and other airborne products that come from being close to burning tobacco products, such as cigarettes.

The only way to protect nonsmokers from thirdhand smoke is to create a smoke-free environment, whether that's your private home or vehicle, or in public places, such as hotels and restaurants.

You have gotten many answers...but I'll bite and throw in my two cents.

First of all if I was your DIL, I couldn't come visit your house because I myself have asthma attacks around not just cigarette smoke but the smell of it trapped in clothing, furniture, curtains, etc.

Take away my own asthma issues...and remembering this is her first baby, with your first you are way way way more protective.

I doubt I would bring my baby to your house with the fact that you have smoked so many years in this residence and there is nicotine residue everywhere. And for sure would not bring my toddler who would be climbing on your furniture and all over your carpets.

The baby can absorb the nicotine and other chemicals in cigarettes through their skin...which is why she asked you to change your shirt or cover it when holding the baby.

Go see the baby and enjoy the baby at their house. Cigarette smoking/smoke residue/etc would be a no go for me and my children.

I'm sorry but I totally agree with your DIL. I can not stand the smell of smoke. It's totally gross! Makes me sick. I would not want my kids to smell like that either from being around someone who smokes

I don't think it matters whether this is a blood relative, a step relative, an adopted relative, or a friend. So I'd take that out of the equation entirely.

I'm sorry, but the second hand smoke is not a risk you can deny, and putting a baby or anyone else in a house with the residual toxins of smoking is at risk. We've all known so many non-smokers who have gotten lung cancer and respiratory ailments, and the warnings from experts as so incredibly clear, that I don't think these new parents are over-reacting at all. Even if you are not actively smoking when the baby is with you, the old smoke, tar and other contaminants are definitely in the air or settled on the furniture, floors, walls, drapes, etc. If you stand next to a smoker, you know that the odors still linger and you can tell if they've been smoking whether they are actively doing so or not. While I understand that you think these parents are unreasonable by asking you to wash your hands and cover yourselves, but it's really undeniable that you have smoke residue on you. My parents smoked for my entire life, and when they sold their house, they had a cleaning service come in to do the windows. My mother herself was appalled and astonished and horrified, she said, at the amount of tar on the vertical surfaces from the smoking. She actually decided to quit that day, and while she tapered off, she never had another cigarette in her new home. I know it was hard for her to quit, as it is hard for you.

I agree with you that this baby, like all of us, is exposed to fumes, pollutants, chemicals and other things while they are out in stores, etc. However, you can't really compare the concentration of those irritants to the high concentration of tar and carcinogens in the home of 2 active smokers. I agree with you that the baby is exposed to dog and cat hair, but those are not on the same level. Moreover, I can tell you from my work in epigenetics and food science that allergies (whether animal, food or environmental) are not CAUSED by exposure to something (in this case, animal dander) but instead are an autoimmune response to what should be a harmless trigger. So the cat (or the dairy product or the peanut) does not cause the allergy - instead it is a trigger for someone with an immune system deficiency. If it were a cause, everyone would react, and secondly, it wouldn't be reversible through immune system support, as has been done with thousands of people.

You may have some additional issues with your daughter-in-law because you say she has her husband "wrapped around her little finger" so perhaps there are other things about her that annoy you. It may be that your son disagrees with her, or it may be that he won't confront you by telling you what he really thinks. So it's hard to know what he really thinks and maybe he is making her take all the blame when he's not so convinced it's a good idea either. I can tell you that I had many years of respiratory illnesses from being around smoke, and I lost a good friend to lung cancer even though she had never smoked.

We also see radically impaired immune systems in kids these days - there are so many more allergies, asthma, food sensitivities, behavioral issues, even autism and Asperger's, and while the causes are a bit of a mystery, they do seem to be related to our diminished nutrition as well as increased chemical usage. Again, we know this because we can see the effects in the epigenome (the material surrounding our DNA in each cell) when we add in nutritional supplementation that repairs cells by getting into the cellular machinery. But if she has some epigenetic weaknesses on her side of the family which she knows can be passed down to the baby, and there is the problem of smoking on your side of the family (and what this may have done to her husband's epigenetic material through his growing up around smoke), she may be aware of this "double whammy" to the baby. Even if she's not highly educated in the subject, she may have a gut feeling - but that doesnt make her wrong. It may be that your daughter-in-law is recognizing the huge increase in problems in today's kids (there's not a school field trip anymore without a nurse because of the sheer volume of medication required) and is being extra protective not because she's demanding and manipulative, but because she's concerned about issues that are increasing in frequency and severity. She may also not want herself or her husband breathing the second-hand smoke, but she's being more protective of a baby who doesn't have a really strong immune system. Even if she's a very difficult person in every way (which she may or may not be), many experts will say she's right on this smoking issue. Whether the other kids had issues with it or not is not the point.

I'm sorry you are having such a tough time with this. I know how hard it can be to quit smoking after 40 years, and I know that you really want to spend time with your grandchild. Surely the love you have for this baby and your desire to see her can help you overcome the need to smoke for a short time. If you could shower and put on freshly laundered clothes just before you leave, and if you didn't smoke in the car, perhaps the payoff of getting to know your grand baby would be worth it? Maybe it would be the push you need to break this addiction. Perhaps if you put the saved money in a little savings account for the grandchild (or all of them), you'd enjoy seeing the principle build up!

If you were my children's grandparents and you're a smoker, my kids would never be in your home. Whether or not you smoke around them, smokers' homes smell terrible. Clothes, hair, books, purses, everything. My mother used to smoke in private, thinking by restricting her smoking to a guest room, we'd never know. But she stank. We weren't allowed in that room, but when she'd open the door, the smell of smoke wafted out. It was confusing and horrible. She never thought she stank, but smokers smell bad.

It's really not about health as much as it simply offensive. I can't breathe when I'm around that odor, it's so awful.

By the way, my mom, for all her efforts to protect us, ended up with stage 4 lung cancer. She survived, but her quality of life is awful.

If you smoke, I'm not coming over and neither are my kids.

I'm a smoker, with grandchildren, so I know where you are coming from. However, I also know that we off-gas for quite a while after smoking. So even though you are not actively smoking around the child, you are still letting off fumes, so to speak. I don't think you should fight this battle, because you won't win. I think you need to do what your DIL is asking and visit the child at their home. I suggest you shower, wash your hair, and have clothes that you perhaps even keep in a suitcase in the trunk of your car so they won't have any smoke contamination and that you wear those when you visit. I would call my son and tell him that seeing your grandbaby is much more important to you than smoking and that these are the steps you will take and that you can't wait to come over and see the baby. Your DIL can't control the world, but she can control what her baby is exposed to in her own home and you need to respect her wishes in this regard. And remember, this is coming from a grandma who smokes!

you asked for answers, Ideally the answer would be to quit smoking because that is what would be healthiest for you and your precious grandbaby.

If that is not possible then dil has offered you a second answer. Visit in their smoke free home and following the guidelines to wash your hands and cover the smoke from your clothes.

It really is true, the odor and the smoke particles linger on your skin and clothes and many adults are very sensitive to it, infants even more so. so even if you don't lite up around them you are still exposing them. washing and covering or changing clothes is really a great compromise if you are unable to quit.

Your other children should realize how dangerous it is for their children to be exposed to this too. You sound like a great caring grandma though and I'm sure you would never want any of your grandbabies to grow up addicted to smoking. All your grandkids are lucky to have a grandma that would move heaven and earth to be with them and love them.

Having grown up with a grandfather that chain smoked I know just how gross a house is with a smoker living in it. I know it's a person's right to smoke if they choose but I find it absolutely disgusting and gross. I am also fully aware of the dangers to people not living in the house coming to visit.

I would seriously consider not taking my kids to the house of a smoker. We have actually intentionally chosen to not go to houses of smokers.
Cigarette smoke is nothing like pet danger or every day germs you get exposed to going out. There is absolutely no comparison. There are actually studies that have shown that children are less likely to have allergies if they grow up in a home with animals.

I remember how sickly yellow the walls were in my grandparents house. I remember my cousin and I trying to wash one once and was grossed out by how much sticky yellow junk was on them. My mother gets asked how long she smoked, even though she never smoked, because of all the second hand smoke from her father. It gets into the furniture, the carpet, the bedding. When we left after visiting we could smell it on our clothes and in our hair.

I know it is hard to quit but I think a grandbaby is the perfect excuse to really try. I am sure you would want to be there for your grandbaby for as long as you can. My grandfather died when I was still a teen from cancer from smoking. Lung cancer, he lost his vocal cords and breathed through a hole in his throat. By the time he died the cancer had spread to his whole body. He never got to meet my husband, he never got to meet his great grand children, not a single one. All these years later I miss my grandfather greatly.

There are e-cigarettes that are safer than traditional cigarettes. They can be used to slowly wean off the nicotine. Doctors have things they can prescribe to help you quit. Instead of being petty toward your family because they don't want to be exposed to the poisons in cigarettes, take action and quit for your grandbaby and for you.

I agree with your DIL. She's also a 1st time mom, so she's going to be overly sensitive, too.

She's the mom, so she wins. You can cause a stink and drive a wedge there, or you can go with it and enjoy your grandchild:)

Sorry!! I agree with your DIL.... I would not expose my baby to smoke or take them to a place that has smokers. I do not think she is being irrational. I wouldn't expose my baby to second hand smoke EVER!!

My father-in-law was a smoker and at first he didnt' smoke around any kids but did smoke in his bedroom. Over time, he would smoke around whomever (including in our home if we were not inside with him knowing I have asthma and was actively having problems). It bothered all of us but only I would say anything. After my daughter was born, I had a blow up with my MIL because she thought it was fine as long as my daughter wasn't in the same room while he was smoking. The truth was, if we stopped in when FIL wasn't home, we would leave reaking of smoke even if only there for 5 minutes (and him not home/not there smoking). It wasn't until he FINALLY stopped smoking and MIL washed everything that it changed, and you could still detect an odor.

It really does seep into everything. Clothes (even those not worn while smoking), carpet, furniture, etc.

The pet's dander isn't an issue if they aren't allergic to that. Cigarette smoke stinks, can and does irritate even those without actual allergies, AND is known to cause various health issues especially for little ones. If you want your grandchild to visit in your home, I suggest you reconsider smoking....what's more important to you?

Is she being a bit unreasonable?
Maybe a little.
Are you hoping for some defense/reason/justification for smoking/chewing/tobacco use/nicotine addiction?
Sorry - can't help you there.
When you smoke, you just don't realize how the smell permeates you and everything around you - your breath, hair, clothes, your living space.
She feels she's protecting her baby - I can't fault her for that.
She might he a hyper vigilant over protective mother.
The smoking is between you and her and I can't see how either of you are going to get along as long as it is there.
You've got other grandchildren.
Let this one go.

Personally I think she/they are being way overprotective. I think that as long as you don't smoke around the baby, the baby will be fine.

However, if you are getting comments about washing your hands, covering your clothes with something, and washing your walls, you may want to examine your general level of cleanliness. I'm assuming that you and your husband smell very badly of cigarette smoke and that your home is not very clean.

It might not be pleasant to hear these things, but maybe it's good for you to hear how others might perceive you, so that you have the opportunity to change. Maybe you can't quit smoking, but you might want to clean your house and thoroughly wash all your clothes and then wash them more often.

And to add to what everyone else is saying -- smokers reek. One of my good friends is a smoker, and her breath is foul. It doesn't just smell of cigarette smoke, it smells rotten. I don't think she can quit so I don't tell her. But you might want to consider that you smell really bad.

I hope you get to see your grandbaby soon.

It seems unlikely that she will change her mind on this situation anytime soon. First time moms can be crazy irrational, and some people really just hate smoking. So while you can get angry or upset about it, the fact remains that she's the mother and she's doing what she feels is best. For now, it looks like you will be doing the visiting at their house.
Maybe you can suggest a middle ground. Perhaps they can come over on a nice warm day and you can spend some time with your grandbaby outside your home. Or meet in a park near your house. You can put on a clean shirt when you get there or use of her blankets. Sometimes it's all about compromise so that both sides can get what they want.

I have asthma and when someone who is a smoker is near me it can trigger an attack. I am not making this up and it is not emotional, it is physiological. I wish my mom had kept me aware from smokers when I was a child. I know the respiratory problems I have were triggered by being around smokers. I realize that you would never smoke around a baby, but the residue in your home and your clothing is very bad. You cannot perceive it because you smoke. I am not trying to sound judgmental here. It is just the way it is. WHenever I start feeling ill around a smoker (even when they are not smoking) I try to move away rather than mention anything to them. I really do not want to hurt their feelings.

ETA1: OH MY WORD Leigh!! What a great response!!!

ETA: I totally skipped over the 'wrapped around her finger" - YES!! He is!!! You should be thankful for that!! You did something right in raising him!! He is cleaving unto his wife...

and yes...when my husband smoked in the house - it was nasty...the walls had film on them...we washed them down...and yeppers...even had someone come in and steam clean the couch...**YOU** can't smell it. But sorry - you probably smell like an ashtray. Do I still think she's overprotective first time mommy mode? Yes. But there IS a compromise...a burping blanket...

_______________________

ooh swweet mother of God!! really?!?!?!

Can you say OVER PROTECTIVE FIRST TIME MOM???

My husband is a smoker. We have two kids together. Neither one of them are asthmatic. He tried to quit smoking when we were pregnant with our oldest son...he was successful for 2 years. then he went back. he does NOT smoke in the house....

I personally wouldn't have a cat around my children. I'm not a cat person. But cats can be nasty in my opinion...not just their dander...but the kitty litter?? EEEWWW!!! She's not worried about that??!?!?! WOW!

She's WWWAAAY off if she feels that her child is NOT being exposed to anything....unless she's living in a bubble....and I doubt she is...I'd hate to see her air filter in her home...when was the last time it was changed? ooh wait! What about the vacuum cleaner??? Yep...even with HEPA Filters stuff still gets out....and then let's not discuss the fumes from buses and cars...

NOW...the question is...what are you willing to do to work with her on this? What does she think her baby is going to do or get from you??
What does she think YOU are going to do - light up a cigarette and give mouth-to-mouth to your grand daughter??? Really.

YES!! Cigarette smoke is nasty smelling. YES!! We've been told about second-hand smoke...YES!!! You're an adult and know what cigarettes are doing to your lungs...

NOW - back again- what are you doing to do? You should be able to put a burping blanket over your shirt/blouse when you hold the baby. You do NOT need to be in scrubs...because really? I would tell her SHE needs to put on anti-anxiety meds...and scrubs on herself....pet dander...environment
EVERYTHING - perfume...lotion....all of it...leaves a scent...

If she doesn't want her daughter to visit your home. Fine. I get it. My husband doesn't smoke in our home. And when people come over? They can't smell smoke in the house...so fine...okay...no visits to your home..okay. fine...let's meet at a park...let's meet somewhere...but keep in mind...restaurants (yep..even there...)

sorry this was much longer than I wanted it to be...but the bottom line is you need to find a compromise with your daughter in law...wearing a burping cloth over your clothes while you hold the baby is fine...and she should accept that...she should NOT force you to wear scrubs over your clothes. I GET where she's coming from. I do. But PAHLEASE...she's in first time mommy mode and flipping out.

Do you have a nice yard outside that you might visit with your granddaughter and her parents? An area where you do not usually smoke outside? Perhaps that would be a compromise. They could visit with you for an hour or two outside without entering your house. Of course, during that time, you would need to not smoke and be in clean clothes if you wanted to hold the baby. Otherwise, plan to visit your granddaughter at their house following their rules. It is definitely worth it to be a part of your granddaughter's life!

I would not want to bring my children, especially as infants, into a home where people smoked throughout the day. I understand you wouldn't actually smoke when the baby was there, but your entire house - furniture, carpet (if you have it), walls, pillows, etc will all smell like smoke. That smell is very strong and unpleasant for non-smokers, so it's hard to be around. In addition to the smell, there is the obvious concern of inhaling small amounts of leftover smoke from earlier in the day.

Your daughter in law is giving you the opportunity to visit your granddaughter in her own home. Take her up on her offers and form a good relationship with both your granddaughter and your daughter in law. She has the right to choose not to allow her daughter in your home and you should be grateful that she's not banning you from seeing her altogether.

The difference between being in the home of a smoker and being out shopping where people smoke is that you cannot escape the smell and the second hand residual smoke in someone's home. When you're out shopping, you walk away from the smoker. I'm not sure about where you live, but where I am in Southern California, smoking is banned in stores and malls, so it wouldn't really be an issue anyway. As for pets, their dander may cause allergies, but it won't cause lung cancer. I would much rather be allergic to dogs than addicted to smoke and/or suffering from lung cancer, emphysema and heart disease.

When my oldest was born, my hubby wanted to show her off to his great aunt Ruth. When I entered Ruth's apartment (downstairs from his mom's apartment), I literally saw a cloud of smoke. I said wow….there's a cloud of smoke and just as I said that was when I realize hubby standing there with our baby in the carrier showing her off to Ruth. Ruth was like a grandmother to him. I immediately grabbed the carrier and took her out. Everyone was shocked at my reaction but I'm looking at these seasoned women who should have told hubby (as a new father) that the timing wasn't good and get the baby out of there bc of the smoke. I basically had to be the "bad guy" but I had to protect our baby.

You may think or feel as if the mom is being over protective and you are entitled to your feelings. But please understand that it's natural, especially if she's a new mom, to feel the way she feels. And trust me, there's nothing your son can do or say to change her mind when it comes to protecting that baby.

I'm a non-smoker who is pretty laid back about smokers. I let my neighbor come and talk on the front porch while he smokes. I don't freak out if the kids walk past a group of smokers. I will let a smoker who smells like smoke pick up and hold my child. I let my kids run around smokers at bar b ques and whatnot..

I don't believe that a little bit of second hand smoke will be any more harmful to kids than the junk food their parents feed them or the toxic things we all inhale every day. I was around plenty of smokers as a child-my parents were the only people in our neighborhood who didn't smoke it seemed..and I'm as healthy as the next guy. (But then again as Peg illustrated, the threat of second-hand smoke is very real too).

But even I don't go into smoker's homes with the kids and I avoid those homes myself if humanly possible. I do have one older neighbor I feel bad ignoring so I'll sit in her house for a bit without the kids. But to non-smokers, the smell is extremely overpowering and does stay on clothes and hair once you leave, so that's annoying to have to change clothes and bathe or else smell smoke all day after you leave...

My opinion on your daughter in law is that she is being a bit fanatical and unpleasant, but I can understand if she doesn't want the baby in your house.
But that was pretty ballsy of her to straight up ask you to cover yourselves and wash your hands at hers!!!!

However, I think that's what you should do in order to see the baby. Maybe she'll loosen up over time, and maybe your son will get some freedom away from her down the road, or you'll win her trust. But it would be very uncomfortable for her in your home while she's in the super protective hormonal phase of having an infant. So lather up and go to theirs.

Why can't you afford her the same consideration you want her to afford you? You CAN NOT quit smoking. Something plenty of people have done including my father and inlaws after plenty of years too. Ok. That's your right in your mind. Well, her child and her right to detest smoking and refusing to have her child as an infant in the house of a smoker. If she forbade you to see the baby at all it might be too much but she's not doing that. Why does it have to be in your home? Quit smoking and she will allow visits in your home. As painful and impossible to you that is to so is perhaps as painful the idea of her baby in your home with leftover smoke residue etc. Honestly both seem a bit crazy to me. The fact you can't quit smoking when plenty of people have and that she is that afraid of leftover smoke residue. But she is no more wrong than you are.

I thinks it's a combination of "1st time Mom Syndrome" & not liking the smell/unhealthful effects of the cigs. She'll probably lighten up over time or with the next kid, although the smoking thing will always be a concern for her.

If it was me, I would acquiesce to her, just to see my grand baby. Shower, wear clean clothes that haven't been smoked in, don't smoke on the drive over & meet at some neutral place, like a park, museum or restaurant. Most places don't let you smoke inside & parks around here have designated smoking areas that you can avoid. Spend your time enjoying your grand child. They are only babies for so long.

Make the visit as short as you can stand without smoking & then smoke all the way home. Good Luck.

ps My Dad has smoked 3 or 4 packs a day for 60+ years. He has tried to quit over the years, but hasn't ever succeeded. He hasn't smoked in the house for over 20 years, since my Step-Mom started having lung problems with the second hand smoke. They have a couple of air filters, one in the house, which although he doesn't smoke in the house, he does have that smell on him, so it helps clean the air that she is breathing. And he has a "Man Cave", a room off of his garage, where he & his buds sit, smoke & chew the fat, with the air filter on high. His doctor recommend he try the e-cigs, but I last time we spoke, he hadn't tried them. He apparently has great lungs, no problems, ever. My Step-Mom though she has NEVER smoked, has definite damage to her lungs from 50+ years of being around the smoking.

I think she sounds totally mentally ill. With phobias and other things going on. Too bad for kiddo.

It's odd she's not requiring you wear masks while you breathe in her home....

Obviously she is against smoking. I suggest you do as she wants so you can see your grand children. This way she cannot possibly say anything against you. She will find other things of course, but this way she won't be able to say you aren't complying.

O
M
G.
Yes, we know it's best to limit exposure to second hand smoke.
Yes, we all know smoking is bad and residue lingers.
But she's over the top, as many new mothers tend to be.
I feel that of you take reasonable precautions she could visit for an hour.
She'll be on a blanket, not licking the carpet or walls!

I know when your baby is first born, you kind of feel this way. It's a fear that something will harm your baby, and you can't help it. I felt this way with my first. I suppose you have to take a look at yourselves and your home, and assess how bad it is. Are your walls covered in yellow ciggie stain? what about your clothes, do they smell of smoke most or all of the time? You could get a non smoking friend whose opinion you trust to come over and have a sniff and an honest look inside your house and at you. Nicotine can linger on skin and clothes for a long time. The problem is, if you are a heavy smoker then washing your hands is not going to help, it will leach out through your pores no matter what. You basically would have to wear gloves too :-/
To me, it sounds like she is being a bit awkward, and I will probably be slammed for saying that, but washing the walls? Wow, that is a bit much. there are toxins and allergens everywhere, you can't avoid them.
Have you tried e cigarettes? They have way less toxins, and leave no smoky smell. I am not a smoker, and I don't advocate smoking, but they are marginally better for you.

I think that society has become over protective. Sure the baby might be affected. Isuggest it's unlikely. First, how much smoke will she inhale when you are not smoking? Second, what are the odds her lungs will be affected? Has there been any evidence that brief exposure to people who do not smoke in baby's presence having caused a lung ailment?

I have not heard of any baby with healthy lungs being affected by smoke odor onn clothing or in the house. I suggest that the recommendation of not smoking around babies along with the information that smoke even when just on the clothes is intended for smokers who have children. An hour visit will not harm a baby.

Perhaps you could find more information to show the parents.

That being said the parents have the right to ask this of you. Its good that they have suggested this compromise. I suggest you do as they ask.

By the way I have a suggestion for quitting. My son in law is a smoker. Reluctantly he tried the e-cigarettes. They provide nicotine without the smoke. All you get is nicotine. There are none of the other contaniments found in cigarettes. He's happy with the e-cigarettes.

hey... so first of all i think she is a WAY over the top. I would thinks its ok to visit them and for them to visit you guys as well. As far as smoking around the kids big no no for me, but since you mention not doing that i dont see a huge deal about it. sorry about your luck. maybe you guys should have a family meeting all together and talk this through... put all your emotions and feelings out there so they know and understand your perspective. Holding your grandkids back is also not right from their end.

You might think that it's as simple as not smoking around the child. Unless you never smoke inside your house, it's in there. Being a regular smoker, it's likely in your clothes and your skin, even after you've showered and laundered. That's just a fact of the smoker's life. Some non-smokers are okay with that. Others are not. I was not raised around smoke, so I am keenly aware of the smell and steer clear. And I keep my child clear.

Don't assume that your son is on the side of having his child in that environment just because he is uncomfortable telling you otherwise. As long as he can hide behind his wife's insistance, he can appease you however he needs to.

It doesn't matter what others have decided to do. This is their decision to make as parents, and you should just accept it. She has a right not to be okay with what she believes to be harmful. Don't take it personally and see it as a punishment.

While I think she's going overboard, it's her baby and you have to abide by her rules if you want to see her.
Unless she plans to encase the baby in a bubble every time she leaves the house, she's going to be exposed to stuff in the air that's a lot worse than any smoke residue clinging to your clothes.

First, dogs and cats are great for kids with allergies. They help their body adjust to the environment. Smoke on the other hand is a trigger for people with allergies and asthma. I would just visit the baby at your son's house. I believe if people want to smoke that is their business, but if I do not want my baby around smoke it is my choice. Also, pets do not cause cancer, heart disease, ect. You made your choice and she made hers. You can still see the baby, just follow the moms rules.

The DIL is a pill. No, I don't like second hand smoke, but I'd never tell my spouse that my child could not go to his parents' smoky home.

The son-in-law needs to stand up to her.

When you know that the baby is coming, try to refresh your space.

Maybe to cut back on the habit, start smoking only outside.

What reason is there not to follow their rules for seeing the baby? Some parents will tolerate smoking around their children, some won't. That is a choice they all have to make, but you can't use the fact that there are people who tolerate it as evidence that those who don't are unreasonable.

If you really just wanted to see your grandbaby, you would just do it, but you want to see the baby on your terms. Why is it so important that the visits be at your house? Why is controlling the behavior of this child's mother so important to you? She doesn't want her infant in a situation that she believes is unhealthy. You don't have to like it, you may disagree with her about it, but you do have to live with it.