What Would You Have Done? - Westchester,IL

I agree with SA Mamma H's response. He was scolded, move on. I don't think a child needs to be repeatedly punished over and over for the same 'incident'.
I absolutely don't believe in or agree with forcing a child to appologize. They should say it when they actually feel it and mean it. It is teaching them to 'lie' and not be honest about their feelings. They will learn just to 'say it' to get you off their backs because that's what you want to hear.

First thing this would NEVER had happen with my child.

BUT........

If that was my son who did this. First thing he would do is apologize to him. He then would have a great time going to bed at that moment. He is six so I would have had a punishment for the next day also. She is wrong letting him get away with that.

That would NOT happen with my son..I only say that because my son is two and already knows that hitting is NOT ok at all. I'd think by six, if taught right, any child should know better.

Oh I think your hubby did the right thing.

I know too many parents who don't seem to really watch their kids behavior.
If it was my son, He would have been in a WHOLE mess of trouble. there is NO excuse for hitting, period.

If it was my son, I'd take him aside and have a little chat with him. I then force him to apologize.

If it were my child, it never would have happened. But, if it had, there would have been immediate discipline, apology and loss of something valuable (favorite toy, etc).

Our 4 year-old son told a neighbor a few weeks ago that he didn't want him living on our street anymore. He refused to apologize (the mother was right there). I gave him several attempts, he flat out refused. So, he lost being able to play outside, all his TV time and had a very stern conversation with Dad and me.

The next day, he walked himself over to their house (we accompanied) and apologized to both the child (3) and the mom. She had told us it wasn't necessary, but it was to us because it was unacceptable for him to say that.

Punching an adult - never would have been tolerated in our house.

My son would have to apologize, I would apologize, and then my son would be punished when we got home -I would also immediately talk to him right then and ask "Why" and make sure he understood it was not okay in any way to do that.

It depends....if my kids were ever scolded by another parent they would probably have been so upset that there would be nothing more I could do to drive the lesson home. If the boy seemed unaffected by the scolding then I would have made my child apologize and escorted him into his room for some more scolding and some time spent in his room. I would have probably apologized for my son's actions as well.

I know you said it's your best friend, but are you sure she would tell you everything that is going on with her son? It doesn't excuse his behavior (if anything she should probably be more vigilant when it comes to things like this) but it's possible that there are some behavioral issues that she is trying to deal with. I just tend to get defensive when other parents see a child acting out and assume it's bad parenting or a lack of discipline when there are other things that could be going on with the child. Again, if there is something ignoring it is not the answer, but she may just not know yet how to deal with these outbursts.

Good luck,
K.

The mom should have told the 6 yo to apologize right away.

Was this kid doing it out of spite or just to be mean? OR was he trying to play with your husband?

I only ask because I have a house full of boys ages 18-4 and a DH who all constantly wrestle and try to "box/battle" each other...all the time! It's nothing at my house to see a kid sneak out of now where and try to take down an older one! If this is the case with this kid, I would think that a talk about "boundaries" would be in order...especially when it comes to adults.

If this kid is just mean and likes to hit, then I say a talk is also in order about boundaries with adults and kids, as well as a time out or some other consequence?

I think your husband handled it just fine...as long as the kid wasn't trying to "play" with your husband...if he was just trying to play, I think the "scolding" might be a bit much, but he would be well within his right to say that that wasn't nice or OK and that he didn't like that kind of playing.

I'm guessing you have never had a six year old son. lol.

If he's already been scolded, why gang up on him? Little boys get these crazy notions. He was wrong, he was scolded. Does he need to be humiliated, too? How many people have to scold him before we adults are satisified?

What I would do depends on who my child is. My little boy is three and he's recently started with these violent motions in play -- we do not have a TV or any video games and we are pacifists, so we don't know where he gets it. If he does something wrong, we correct him. We stop the behavior and explain why it is wrong. When called for, he is isolated and he is made to apologize. It is entirely possible, though, that the kid wasn't thinking and just wanted to play in a rough way. He's a boy, they do that some times. Your hubby told him off. I'm assuming he stopped, right? Maybe his mom talked to him afterward, you don't know.

Forgive the kid and let it go.

She either could have thought that your husband had handled it appropriately, and therefore there was nothing to add to it, or she could just not care about her son hurting others. If it's the second I prophesize that this friendship has about a 1 year TOPS shelf life.

We have a rough and tumble household... but the rule is ASK FIRST.

I think your husband did the right thing as well. If it were my son or daughter I would talk to them and have them apologize to the person.

Well, if this 6-year old is capable of punching your husband twice in the back, how comfortable are you with having your children around him? If your children are older then they are probably able to defend themselves (although they shouldn't have to) but, if they are about the same age as your friend's son, then I wouldn't feel like they were safe with him. I think I would invite the friend out for coffee and start out the conversation by saying something positive and remind her again what her son had done on July 4th (am I correct in understanding that she did know of the situation?) and explaining that I would have to limit our get togethers to just the two of us until I felt comfortable that her son offered my husband a sincere apology for what he had done and I felt comfortable that whatever issues that he had that were causing him to hit under control.

Hope this helps.

I think the hubby did the right thing. I would have added "time out" to the discipline - 10 to 15 mins and/or taken a privilege or toy away from him.

I think that for some non-optimal behavior that may occur regularly, hubby and wife should have set of disciplinary actions that they agree upon ahead of time to implement with the child that are done on a gradient scale. - For example, first time it happens, take a toy away, 2nd time it happens, sit in a corner, etc. My son usually understands when we send him to "time out", but we also have to follow up with letting him know the correct or appropriate action to do in place of the incorrect action. After the punishment, we let him know that we love him and that what he did was not ok and give him a hug. He is very sensitive and we are aware of that, but don't let him get away with things.

Sometimes it is EXHAUSTING to implement discipline over and over, but I have to remind myself that if I don't do it, someone else will later in life, (maybe a bully or worse), and that may be a far more painful lesson than what he gets from us parents now.

It sounds like the 6 year old has some boundary issues. It's fairly common for kids to do this, especially if no one tells them it isn't ok. Sometimes it's playful and they don't know how to engage play appropriately. I guess depending on how he hit your husband I would have responded differently. I would have told him that hitting is not ok and not a nice way to play; then I would have asked if he wanted to play and set down some rules around it. "If you want to play with me you can tap me on the should and tell me that, but it's never ok to hit me to get my attention." If it were my son, I would explain it the same way and ask him to apologize.

I would have immediately told him its not ok to do that and have him apologize. Nothing is more embarrassing to me than have someone scold my child.
I would also explain to him a more effective way to get your husbands or anyone else's attention, because, Im just thinking that maybe he just wanted to play with him.

I think your husband did the right thing. If it was my child that did that I would have had a talk with him and made him apologize. A 6 year old knows better (or should at least). I wouldn't say anything to your friend this time but if you see him do this again and she doesn't do anything, you should say something to her.

T.
My answer might seem a bit severe but I don't want to be friends with people were their disciplining style is so different from my own. I want my children to be friends with nice kids who have manners. That way what we teach them in our home is also shown by others.
I normally don't discipine other people kids HOWEVER I do on some occasions. I would of done the same thing your husband did.