What to Tell a Child When a Granparent Is Dying/when They Die???

Hi Nicole,

The best way is to let them do the talking and let them grieve in their own way. Just answer questions simply. Children don't need lengthy explanations. One sentence is enough is enough. Always ask them, how they feel. Be understanding. that is enough. Good luck. D.

Hi N. ~ I am so sorry your family is going through this. I love the ideas of the other moms, but I wouldn't suggest telling them before hand, children can't comprehend things like this and have a tendency to think things are their fault. I would also suggest taking lots of photos...reading a book, eating ice cream, sleeping together, if he's able to be out at the park, etc. Then they can look at their pappi book and talk about all the fun times they had with him. Hope this is helpful. Blessings ~ J.

N.,
I'm so sorry. Very heartbreaking My son also lost his beloved "Pap" when he was 3 to esophageal cancer metastisized to the liver. It was pretty quick from the point it went to the liver. Pap was half of the duo of his main care (other than us) and he was VERY attached. It was sad to watch my son watch his pap get sicker, thinner, etc. He told me later that Pap got "smaller and smaller" til he was gone :-(
We were pretty honest with him and told him that Pap had a bad disease or sickness called cancer. We told him that the doctors were trying to use medicine to make him well, but it doesn't always work with cancer. We told him that they were doing all that they could to make Pap well again.
We did a lot of talking about how all living things have a life with a beginning, a middle and and end. When something's or someone's life is over, they die. Plants, flowers, bugs, birds, etc.
I remember like it was yesterday the moment I told him that Pap had died. I told him that Pap Pap was in Heaven with the angels and we would see him again when we die and go to Heaven. My husband had the great idea of writing a letter from him to Pap and tying it to a helium balloon and sending it up to heaven. It really helped my son to say goodbye.
I would tell your sister to be simple and honest with your niece. It will be tough. They need to be told many times what's happening/has happened. Avoid things like "pappi is watching you from heaven" or "Pappi went to sleep" Too creepy.
We decided NOT to take my son to the viewing/funeral home b/c/ we just didn't think he's fully comprehend and we didn't want that to be his last memory of his Pap. In hindsight, I kind of regret not taking him. He's just now understanding what a cemetery/grave/etc. is.
It's a personal decision. There are also some good books out there for kids about death.

The best thing to do is to talk to a hospice social worker. Hopefully if they are dealing with the process of dying they are in a great hospice program. My mother died when my oldest was 3 and they were really inseperable. We did not keep him away from her as much as she wanted him there he was there. We were lucky enough to live with her while she died and it was an amazing experience. She died the way she wanted, at home with her whole family around her.

As far as dealing with the children, they will not be able to process the death until at least 6 months. Kids at this age have no sense of time. Mom died in December and my son didn't "get it" until summertime. Then he became really interested in death and cemetaries, I think it was his way of trying to figure out where Bugga was.

He was told everything each step of the way, how sick she was, you can't get sick from her, give Bugga a hug she really needs it to feel better and I am glad he go that chance. He only has good memories of her in spite of actually watching her die. I hope that I have made the best choice to make him a part of her life and death. He seems to have made a good adjustment and understands that people are born everyday and people die everyday.

It is a hard decision to make but I think that being honest and up front with the children is the best way to go about it.

I am sorry for your loss.
Good luck.

Hi N., My heart goes out to your sister, this time of year is espically hard to go through this...we went though the loss of both of my husband's grandparents around Christmas and it was really hard on the whole family. At the time our two oldest were 1 & 3 yrs. All I can tell you is to stick to the truth as much as possiable. Let them go to the calling hours if only for a bit...death is part of life and if handled gentley can be a bonding experience. When our loved ones die we cry for our own loss, not because they are in a better place (that is one of the things I always tell my girls) and calling hours and funerals are our way of saying good-bye formally, with tradition. Your sister doesn't have to explain cancer or get into details, but she has to be as honest as she can using age appropreaite language...so they don't feel like their Pappi just dissapeared. Tell her to follow her heart and it will all work out. My prayers are with you and your family. Best wishes.

Dear Nicole,
I am sorry for your sister and her husbands next few months of sickness.

I wish I couldn't say I know what she is going through but unfortunately I know it twice. Both my mother and my MIL died in the last 2 years from different cancers. My children are now 5 and 3. I was very close with my mother (and miss her EVERY day) and very close to my MIL (and miss her more than I realized I would). My mother fought for almost a year through treatment and then chose hospice at home to die. From the very start my husband & I chose to give our children all the information we could while still holding onto hope. We told them of the cancer (melanoma), and how the doctors thought it was from too much sunburn, that the treatment could make G-Jo (my mom) very sick and tired and look different, and that G-Jo and her doctors were doing all they could to fight her cancer in her body. When it was apparent that my mother was dying from her cancer, my daughter helped on the nights I slept over to help care for my mother. My DD would help my mother get ready for bed by bringing my mother her toothbrush, a wet wash cloth, and help to put lotion on her hands. My son would come to visit and cuddle with my mom in her hospital bed at home. We all read bedtime stories together. And we cried together. My children saw and see me cry often. When they ask why I tell them, "I miss my mom", "I am angry my mom is sick", "I am sad Daddy's mom is sick in the hospital", and those sorts of things. We read many books to prepare them for death WHEN we were certain death was looming (Rudy's pond", "Dribbles the cat","I miss you-a first look at death"). We watched and hoped for the treatment to work but only when we knew it wasn't helping, did we sit down and speak with our children about death. When my mother died my daughter was almost 4 and my son was almost 2. My daughter went to the funeral, my son did not.

This year, my children watched their "grandmum" be diagnosed with endometrial cancer, go through chemo, visit at Christmas in remission, return home to get sick again and be hospitalized and die in May. All of us flew to England to be with our family and both my children went to their Grandmum's funeral.

I am thankful that I stiffled my fears and let my husband & my daughter fly on an airplane to visit his mum in hospital in England. I am thankful that my children got to share in the care and love given to both our parents while sick. I am thankful that my children now, when they see me sad or crying, say to me,"are you sad that G-jo & Grandmum died? Do you miss them? Well that is okay because they are in our hearts." I am thankful that my children saw their Daddy crying and learned the compassion to go to him, comfort him, cry with him, and hug him. I am thankful that we still talk about their G-Jo and Grandmum and share stories, pictures, laughter and tears.

Our choice was to be open, be honest, listen to them, read to them, and try to be examples of love, compassion, caring, and family. I am happy with our choice and I think my children are wonderful loving compassionate people because of it.

My heart pulls for you and your family during this difficult time. Your sister will need support from you for her own time to grieve and console her husband during his grief.

Please tell your sister to be open and honest with her children but let them guide the conversation. They will change the subject when it is enough for them to handle. My heartfelt condolences.

A.

P.S. In reply to the religious aspect. My husband is aethiest and I am a recovering Catholic. My husband honestly told my children he believes that you live one life and when you die it ends so make this life count and make good choices and be honest and openly love and learn and help others. I told my children I believe in life after death, just like nature dies and renews, and that my hope is to be reunited with those I love. Also that they are always with me in my heart & mind. So, you don't have to be "christian" to find solace or give comfort to children during death. Death is a necessary part of life.

I am not sure what religious affiliation you or your sister is but I have used and have seen used, Pappi (that is what they call him right?) was sick and god thought it best to have him come and stay with him now. The doctors tried to help him and fix him but there was no more they could do for him. That is when god stepped in. HE doesn't hurt anymore and feels much better where he his now. I would tell them that Pappi will always watch over them and that one day they will see him again. I would try and tell them that he wouldn't want them to be upset and that as long as you think of him he'll always be there. I am sorry for your sister's family's loss and will keep them in my prayers. I hope that this helped.

Hi,
I'm very sorry that this situation is happening to your sister and her family. My son was 1 when my mom passed away and when he was about 3 (and continues today at age 5) he started asking all sorts of questions. I was as honest as I could be. I didn't just say that she was sick, for fear that he would think that anyone who was sick would die, but said that she was very sick in her head (had brain cancer). I told him my beliefs on heaven, etc. I did my best to relate to his age and keep things simple in my answers. I don't know if this helps at all, but felt like I wanted to respond to your question.
Good luck and again, I'm sorry for her loss.

Dear N.,
I too worry about this subject, as my children are very attached to my parents and my mother-in-law. They are 11 and 9, and are extremely sensitive children! I will be looking at your responses for help on this as well!!
I don't know the name of it, but Maria Shriver wrote a book for children about when a loved one dies. I thinks she wrote it to help her kids cope with the death of her grandmother, Rose. I think Jaime Lee Curtis also wrote one. Your sisters kids are really little and may not really understand no matter how she explains it. If you believe in God and heaven, it helps!!

N.,

This really depends on what the families beliefs are. Do they belive in God and heaven? Reincarnation?

I am a Christian so I will address it from that perspective.

Tell her that pappi is very sick and will soon be dying. If a kid has lost a pet to death you can say it will be like when Fluffy died. She may undersand that his body is broken and can't be fixed even though the doctors have really tried hard. Don't tell kids that some one has gone to sleep. When will they wake up is the question you will eventually hear and then kids won't trust you because you lied to them.

She will cry and try to bargain with you, God and anyone who will listen. Thats OK it is part of the grieving process,(google grief process and read up on it) let her be sad, tell her you know that she will miss pappi a lot. Don't add but this or that will happen, let her have the feelings.

I am training to be an art therapist and encourage you to have her draw pictures about/of pappi and how she is feeling. Everything she draws is a way that she can express herself since she has a limited vocabulary. Don't try to "interpret" her drawings, let her esxpress herself, even angry feelings at her age are valid. Ask her questions about the things in the drawings, getting her to talk about what is in the drawing may be easier and get her talking more than asking how she is feeling.

Nicole,

There are tons of children's books that talk to kids about coping with death. That is the first place I'd look. I know they say that kids don't understand death, so not to mention that pappi is dying until he actually starts to look and act sick. Then you tell the kids that he is sick (and they understand that because he is acting and looking sick) and let them know that soon, pappi will go to live in heaven, or up in the sky where he won't be sick anymore. That he'll be able to see the kids, but the kids won't be able to see him until they are pappi's age. Another thing is, don't tell him that pappi is sleeping because my son responded to that with, "well, let's go wake him up."

My brother was killed in Iraq a year and a half ago. My son was only 17 months, but my reaction to his death has been intense, especially immediately thereafter. Not to mention, all holidays, anniversaries, etc..., are filled with memories and tears over his death. How I make sure that both my kids "know" my brother is that I talk about him a lot. If I tear up and my son asks why I'm sad, I just tell him that sometimes mommy really misses Uncle Dennis and it makes me sad that I can't see him sometimes. I tell my kids stories about him and I sing a song that he made up to them. Each night, we say our prayer and then we ask Uncle Dennis to watch the kids and keep them safe while they are sleeping (I started that when my son became afraid of the dark). And, recently, my son started making up songs to sing to him every night.
So, even though he's not here, I try to make him as much a part of our family as our living relatives.
I hope this helps. Best wishes to all.

The most important thing is to be honest. Be honest that Grandpa is dying, be honest when he is dead that he is dead, not just gone, not "asleep" or anything like that. He is dead. And we miss him, and it hurts. And it's okay to cry, and it's good to remember Grandpa and the good times we had with him.

That said, I don't have any clue how people who aren't christian face death. As a Christian, I know that I will die, but that I will also contiue to live, but no here on earth. I will live in God's house. So when my 3 yr old was facing a grandparent's death, I explained that Grandma's body was old and it wasn't working well, and when it stopped being able to work, then God would give her a new one that won't ever wear out, and is strong and Grandma would be able to run and jump again, just like my daughter could. Because Grandma no longer needed her human body after she went to ive in God's house, we bury the old body, and we put a stone marker up, so we have a place to go to remember Grandma.

We don't know why some people get sick and others don't. That's okay. It's a fact of life. But we do know that whatever happens to us or our family and friends, that God is with us, and He is working to bring goodness out of sorrow, to bring peace and finally joy, even through suffering. If you and/or your sister don't really believe there IS a God out there, then just open your mouths, and ask him if he is there. Ask him to show you that he really does exist and that he really does love you.

is you SIL a church goer? not that i am judging - but it may make it easier for the child(ren) if they know that "pappi" is going to heaven with God.

another thing that i think is VERY important - i mean i lost my g-father at 19 years old and i am still glad that we have this - they should try to "interview" him whle he is still alive and chronical his life into a "book" put it into a three ring binder - with pictures and the story and then years from now they can share it with the little one that remembers him and with the one that doesnt know him - and if they get those page protectors then they can have hours and hours of loving him even after he's gone

one more idea - they should sit down with her and explain that "pappi" has to leave and that we'll always have him in our hearts - then (if the grandfather is able to - if not then maybe a the grandmother and/or adult child of dying person) go over to the capital city mall and make a "build a bear" together that is the little girls "pappi bear" that way she has a piece of him (especially if he helps pick out the bear and picks out the clothing) with her - thats hers and special - and since at BABW they have you put a heart in the bear - then thats "pappis heart" - you can also record his voice and put it into the bear

or just record his voice onto something else so she can hear him again

hope these ideas help - let us know what she decided and how it worked out.

your sister in law and her family are in my prayers and thoughts - God Bless.
S. w.

Sorry for what your family is going through. I will keep you in my prayers. My daughter was 3 when her pop pop died. He went in for a simple procedure and had a stroke from the anesthesia. He died shortly after. We were all heart broken. I told my daughter that God needed her pop pop to do more good work and then angels came down and took him while he was sleeping. She was young and had some questions. I did the best I could. I assured her he was in a better place and that he will always be watching her and loved her very much. Good Luck

Hi N.. I'm sorry to hear that your family is going thru this trying time. My mother recently died of ovarian cancer a month ago, and was sick for quite some time. Just be honest and open with the children. It's ok for them to see others cry and know of their pappi's illness. My kids are 3 and 5 and I would try to keep things simple for them in terms and ask questions as they arrised or if they were worried. If Pappi is involved with hospice I would def. contact the hospice social worker or if he's in a hospital the social worker there. There are also some wonderful books out there "What is heavon" by Maria Shriver and "When Dinosuars Die". I found a lot of these books in the local library. I had asked this same Mamasource group questions about the funeral too - "What to do about a funeral" and got a lot of good advice. My 3 year old doesn't quite grasp the concept that her Oma is in heavon and asked if we would see her on Thanksgiving. I had to remind the she died, and she said "she's with the angels." I wish your family strength and peace. You are in my prayers.

Hello N.. A book your sister might want to read to her children is a story called, "The Fall of Freddie the Leaf" by Leop Buscaglia. It is a lovely way to explain the cycle of life. Perhaps it will help. Best wishes to your family.

My heart goes out to your sister, it's hard enough to deal with a terminal illness but to have to tell your kids too is awful. I went through a similar situation and my mother-in-law found a great book for me--she's a librarian.

It's called,

How Do We Tell the Children? A step-by-step guide for helping children two to teen cope when someone dies. By Dan Schaefer, Ph.D, and Christine Lyons

It is organized by age and situation. It covers terminal illness, sudden death, friends, family pets, all kinds of things. It isn't an easy book to read, but it is a great resource.

My prayers are with you and your sister.

Hello... I'm sorry about your sisters father in law. It is a difficult thing. My dad died suddenly two weeks ago and I had to tell my kids 10, 8, and 6. Because it was sooo unexpected it was terrible. They have been greiving very hard and continue to greive. I don't think there is any easy way about it. You just have to tell them. A friend of mine gave me a children's book called Tear Soup. I honestly haven't been able to read it yet myself, but a book on death and/or greiving may help. I am going to get a journal and we are all going to write as many memories of Grandpa as we have. They are just now at the point where they can do it. Initially it was too raw. And we've been looking at old pictures and talking about the good memories. That helps too.

I'm very sorry about your sisters father in law.

B.