What to Tell 2-Year-old About His Grandfather Being Terminally Ill

Hi N.,

I'm so sorry you are experiencing this painful situation. I worked for a hospice in Ohio a while back and we always counseled parents to talk to their children honestly about death. I agree with Denise that you should not use euphemisms - they will only confuse your son. Explain that Grandaddy is very sick and it might make him tired, etc. Simple, clear explanations are the best. After your father dies, you can tell your son that Grandaddy has died which means his body stopped working. There are some excellent books about death for children that explain how all living things eventually die. Bear's Last Journey is a really good book. Is your father in hospice care? If so, contact the social worker for resources. Your son may need lots of reassurance that you are not sick, etc. Or maybe not...let him guide you with his questions. It's okay to say, "I don't know."
I hope this helps a bit. Many blessings to you. Take care of yourself.
M.

N.,
First off, you need to know that your son will not remember whatever you tell him at this time. I have buried both parents and both inlaws all after illnesses and dealt with my 5 very bright children starting from their age 1 to 21 during the deaths. It is now 15 yrs later and this is what my children tell me they remember: NOne of them remember anything before age 3. By age 5, there are a few distinct memories of their grandparents or events but not necessarily associated badly with death/funerals/illness. For instance: I pulled my elementary school children out of school to visit Granpa for the last time in the hospital and what they remember is my lie to Granpa that the school had water problems and was closed for the day (from the then 6 and 8 yr olds)
What is much more important to the child is how mommy is acting and reacting to events. If you are a basket case, they will be too. Try-- and I know it's hard-- to keep your meltdowns away from your son. Or even tell him it's about something else ( a sad TV show?) He will not remember, and will not be upset. You do not need to reinforce that grandpa is sick. DOn't even tell him. Let him enjoy Grandpa as much as he can right now ( and Grandpa will treasure it more than your son!)
My DIL lost her mother when their first was only 2 and they LIVED with her widowed mother. They told my granddaughter that Mommom was going to be with the angels and angels were in the house. Remember-- they all lived together so it was unavoidable. TOday at 5 1/2 , my granddaughter very very seldom mentions her other grandmother. Coincidently, she DOES mention her venerable G-G-G-Baba who passed away 2 yrs ago at 97. Consider though, that Baba is the only really OLD person that she ever met and quite a treasured family monarch.
My synopsis... take care of yourself so you can take care of your son. It will be much much harder on you than it will be on him.

Dottie
All he has to really know is that you are sad about something but everything will be ok later on.

Deeply sorry to hear that your father has taken a turn for the worst. However, as far as dealing with your son, I would let him simply ride the course as if it was an event. They have no concept of what is really going on and more than likely will not have any memory of these hard times. There really is no need to explain to him at this tender age the why's and whose and what if's. Should he ask keep your answers brief. I would really be more focused on enjoying what ever time left you have with your dad, before the time passes.

Mom of 4.

Being the fact that he is too the simplier the better. I don't know what your religious beliefs are but the easiest way I have found to explain death to a young child is saying sometimes people get sick and sometimes the doctor can only do so much but if a person is too sick then god takes them to a place where they can feel better and stay with him. It doesn't mean they won't love you or miss you they will just be somewhere different. If you want to talk to them you just look up or think to yourself and they will hear you. That is what has seemed to work that I have seen. good luck and god bless. I am sorry to hear about your father.

Kids know normal by what you tell them. My 2 1/2 yr old said goodbye and was at the funeral. They'll take their lead from you. She asked if I was sad and I said yes b/c I would miss her but I knew Nana was happy because she was going to go to heaven and be with God and her Mommy and Daddy. I don't know what you believe so it may not be a fit. I also told her that we were happy for her to get to go to heaven and that there would be a party with all the people that loved her(and I listed them)but I would cry a little because I would miss her and I loved her. When asked if I would die I said yes but not for a long time. My daughter looked at me and said, "OK". My mom had always included us in funerals(of family) growing up and treated them as part of life which helped us not get so freaked out like some of our friends. There is a book written by a priest and a rabbi about death and loss. I forget the name but they also have a book "How do you spell GOD".

I am very sorry that you and your family face this part of lifes journey.
Having lost my parents, 3 sibs, 4 grandparents and suddenly my husband, I have walked the longer road and the shorter tragic road. I need to emphasise the importance of letting them see some of it all.

Death is so very difficult, but is also very natural. Allow the child to see some, participate some, and given the opportunity, to say goodbye. You as well.

Your child is very young. If they are not made to feel scared they won't be and will certainly follow your lead. At the time of my husband's loss my children were both young and teen. You will be the one who is more largely impacted, and for you I send you prayers of peace. HUG

First, let me start by saying that I am truly sorry about your situation. My dad was also terminally ill (with Frontotemporal Dementia) and passed away a year and a half ago at the age of 66. At that time, my oldest daughter was 3, I had a 1 year old, and was expecting my third. For our 3 year old, we found it to be most effective to be honest with her. My dad was in a nursing home and couldn't speak or walk and we would take her there to visit him and she would ride on his wheelchair with him and talk to him. And she'd always ask "why can't Youngie talk? why can't Youngie walk??" (she called him Youngie, as my maiden name is Young, and his friends always called him that!)... we would just explain that he was sick, very sick, with an illness that would not get better. When he passed away, we took both girls to the visiting hours and funeral... it helped them both to have closure... my biggest fear was that they'd think that he abandoned them... and I wanted them to know that he truly loved them. If you need more advice or would like to talk, please feel free to contact me...

I'm so sorry about your father. I lost my father when my daughter was 2 1/2 as well. We did the same as you and told her he was sick, but didn't dwell on it too much (we made sure she knew that none of us were sick - that everyone else was fine.) When he passed away, we told her that God needed him to help out in heaven, and that he went to live with the angels so he could help them all out. We thought she got this... repeated what we had said to others. But a couple of months later, she looked at the sky (ceiling) and said, "OK, God, Nonno has helped you long enough. He needs to come back." I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. So I explained all over that he wasn't coming back. But the truth is that they just can't grasp the concept of death at that age. They think that person will come back when they're tired of being dead. I would say you should tell him something that makes you feel better, but don't be surprised if he doesn't really get it. And don't worry, they are incredibly resilient, and take it much better than we do. So sorry.

Knowing that we always want to keep the learning level age appropriate, he's only two. Sharing with him that Granddaddy is sick and that makes you sad is likely sufficient. And letting him know that Grandmommy is fine is likewise sufficient. When the time comes that your father has passed on, and based on your faith/spiritually choices, keep it simple - Granddaddy went to be with Jesus in heaven. The first time you visit Grandmommy after the funeral visits are complete, you might want to remind him that he'll only see Grandmommy because Granddaddy is with Jesus.

Having lost my father after a long terminal illness (after he survived colon cancer), my thoughts are with you. As I look back, 9 years ago this past Christmas Eve, I do so with many great memories that occured during his final weeks. And each Christmas Eve, we celebrate his life. My sons were 9 and 12 at the time. A very different picture at those ages.

G. C.

I am sorry about your father's illness. It is a sad situation.

My daughter was your son's age when my grandmother died...and my husband's grandmother died just 4 days later. We had about a day's notice that my grandmother was going to die. (My husband's grandmother's death was sudden...at 98 1/2 years old!) She went with us to the hospital to see my grandmother, who was very alert up until the end, but was put on a ventilator, and to say goodbye. Our daughter was not scared by what she saw...we took her in only after feeling out the situation. We were honest with her. She was sad because we were sad, but she went on with her own things.

I am sorry that you have to deal with this. Good luck and strength through this.

I was just reading an article about dealing with death and young children...

April 2008 Parents magazine, article starts on pg 64
"Saying Goodbye"

has a few books listed that might be helpful.

one of the tips was to be completely honest. If you can get to the hospital/hospice to see your family member with your child it's supposed to help as the child sees the regression, understands that it's still the same person and so on. There are books you can buy for your child to read/ read to your child. Letting them know their granddads 'body is tired and needs to rest so we won't be able to talk to him anymore' is one way the article said to start the conversation about death.

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. Remember to keep breathing and take things one day at a time.

R.

So sorry to hear about your Father. Be honest and let your son ask questions. I lost both of my grandparents before I was 5 and honestly do not remember a whole lot about their deaths. At age 2, I seriously doubt your son will fully understand the situation. He will want to know why you are upset [among other people]. Tell him the truth and that it is ok to to be upset if he feels that way.

As for books, I have found that employees at the information desk at Border's are a wealth of knowledge. Maybe they could suggest a few for you to look at. Good luck and I hope your Father is comfortable. xoxo

I'm sorry to hear about your father. I dealt with having to explain death to my 3-year-old in terms of a pet dying that we owned since before he was born. We knew the time was approaching. Due to the age I made the explanation very concrete in that the body stops working. At the time he asked me why didn't I get her batteries and I had to explain that there was nothing we could do to "fix her". All we could do was love her with hugs and kisses. He was there the morning she didn't have any energy to move. My husband and I had a feeling that was the day she would die. I moved her to a location where she could be stretched out comfortably and had him say good-bye to her by petting her and kissing her before taking him to day care. I explained that she was not going to be home when he returned from school because she was going to die. I went home early for lunch and she was dead. My husband and I made burial arrangements. The following day I took him to the cemetary to say good-bye where she did get buried. The casket had been closed so he was told that she was inside. I wish they wouldn't have sealed it before asking us to view it for he kept asking to see it. It's been a year and a half since that occurred and he still remembers his Juliet. In processing with him after the death of the cat of how her body stopped working, I was corrected in that her tail stopped working. She had a tendency of sticking her tail in front of him when she passed him tempting him to pull it. For him that is where he found significance. I agree with a previous posting of not using terminology like sleep for it may cause fear for them to fall asleep. I wish you well in how you decide to explain it to him.

I agree with previous posts that it is always best to tell the truth, let them ask questions, and answer them as honestly as possible within the realm of their understanding. The word "cancer" is too complicated, so "sick" is a better choice. If he asks, "Am I going to die, too", your answer could be, "Honey, we are all going to die someday, but not until we are much much older like Grandpa".

I work for a hospice and they have excellent resources for not only the patient, but the entire family, throughout the dying process...before, during, and after.

I'm sorry you have to go through this and I hope that your father does not suffer.

A.

So sorry about your father. I disagree with another poster who said don't use the word cancer. I was told by Olivia's House (experts on grief and and loss for children in York county, PA) that you should NOT say the person is sick -- this can make the child fear he will die when he gets a cold or when you do etc. Likewise if the child goes to the funeral, do NOT tell them that grandfather is sleeping. The child could fear going to sleep after that. My kids were 4 and 2 when my mother-in-law died from lung cancer. My oldest remembers vividly and still talks about her and the circumstances. My younger daughter doesn't remember any of it. We told them MomMom had cancer and was not going to get better. When she died, my younger daughter had to be told repeatedly that she was not coming back. They truly don't understand the finality of death at this age. A little bit older and that all changes. A book we used I believe was about dragonflies but I can't find it to give you a title. A very nice little story that explains on a child's level that the deceased isn't coming back. Another one was about a leaf -- go to Barnes and Noble to do a search to find these and similar books.

I wish you all the best as you go through this and will keep your family in my prayers.

K.

About this time last year we found out my father was dying of cancer. He had beaten it once before, but this time was different. My oldest was the same age as your son is now. But he and my youngest had seen PopPop almost everyday so I wasn't sure how he would deal with it. This article came in an email close to the end (was someone trying to help me?) and it really did help. http://parentcenter.babycenter.com/0_questions-about-deat...

He went with us a few times to visit my dad in the hospital, but he really didn't like seeing PopPop like that so we tried to limit his time there. I would tell him that I was sad and asked him if he was too. I told him that PopPop's body wasn't working so good anymore. I never tried to over-explain anything. I really don't think kids so young really understand what is going on. But please read the article. I wouldn't have thought of some things and it helps explain things in a way that won't scare them.

I'm sorry that you have to go through this. I know how hard it is. I miss my dad every day. If he is able, please ask him to tell you any stories or whatever. Try to comfort any fears he has. Just spend as much time as you can even if it's painful to see him.

I am so sorry to hear about your Father. Death is never easy on anyone. I also had to deal with it last year when i lost my gram in July and my brother 3 weeks later then our dog.I would agree with the other post be as honest as you can be. I decided since my newest daughter was less than one at the time of the deaths that i'd make her a memory book of my gram and brother for her to have and she loves it. when she looks at their pictures it is like she has known them all along. I also made a memory page online for my older kids to have a place to go and light candles and post messages or whatever they wanted to do. It has helped so much as they all feel in some way it's like they are still here.

N.,
I went through this myself with my son and his PapPap when he was 2. His Pap was also O. of his primary caregivers daily, as he & my mom watched our son. When my stepdad was diagnosed with esophageal cancer, I told Tyler that PapPap had cancer and the doctors were giving him medicine and that sometimes the medicine works and sometimes it doesn't. When he died, I sat him down and told him straight out that Pap Pap had died (not "was sleeping", etc.) and that now he was going to live in Heaven with Jesus and someday, when we all go to heaven, he would be able to see him again. Depending on your religious beliefs, you may do the same. He had a tough time digesting the finality of it and it took a while to sink in. There will be LOTS of questions, and I would encourage you to speak openly and honestly with him. Don't use euphemisms. It is going to be tough. We decied not to take my son to the funeral and in retrospect, maybe we should have. I just didn't think he would understand it all. Please feel free to contact me privately if you would like some more support or if you think my experience could be of benefit to you. There is too much of my experience to detail here. My son is now 5 and still talks about his PapPap and has questions all of the time about death. I wish you luck on this very difficult road. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. God Bless. Denise

Hi, I am so sorry about your dad. It is difficult enough to go through this situation on your own much less guiding your child through it. I lost my grandfather to pancreatic cancer about 3 years ago when my oldest was 2 1/2. My mother-in-law is a librarian and found a great book for me. It's called How Do We Tell the Children? by Dan Schaefer and Christine Lyons. I found the book to be a great resource. It goes over many different situations (from loss of a pet to accidents to terminal illness and more) and different age groups. It gives you words to explain the unexplainable. Best of luck, I'll be thinking of you and your family.

Hello - sad to hear about your father. Your son is two years old, he doesn't understand all that is going on. You will have a difficult time explaining the sickness and death to him. He just knows mommy is said and that makes him sad. I think what you are telling him is good, grandpa is sick. No grandma isn't sick, just grandpa. Just keep reassuring him that you are fine and he will be fine. I will pray for you.

The best advise on this I ever heard is from a gentleman currently dying of pancreatic cancer. He is on "you tube" with his "last lecture". Here is a little brief on him:
Randy Pausch Lecture: Really Achieving Your Childhood Dreams
Professor Randy Pausch, who is dying from pancreatic cancer, gave his last lecture at the university Sept. 18, 2007, before a packed McConomy Auditorium. Carnegie Mellon Professor Randy Pausch, who is dying from pancreatic cancer, gave his last lecture at the university Sept. 18, 2007, before a packed McConomy Auditorium. In his moving talk, "Really Achieving Your Childhood Dreams," Pausch talked about his lessons learned and gave advice to students on how to achieve their own career and personal goals. For more, visit www.cmu.edu/randyslecture. Keeping you and your family in our prayers.