My 89 year old grandmother has just been put on hospice with perhaps 6 months left to live. At this point she doesn't appear ill but has cancer that has spread to most major organs. My 3 year old daughter has seen this great grandma once a week for her whole life. I would like to help my daughter prepare for my grandma's death so she can hopefully understand things better, especially as grandma starts to appear more ill.
We are a Catholic family and I have discussed God and heaven with my daughter but she has not had anyone close to her pass away. If anyone has any suggestions on discussions to have with my daughter or books to read or anything like that please let me know.
Thank you,
D.
there are many books(kids) that explain it in a very good way. I know wal mart carry them. and I have seen them at target and some book stores too. good luck.
D.,
I have a 5 year old little girl. In January, (she was then just 4) my father passed away after 8 months of diagnosed lung cancer. Through those months, my daughter and I visited him almost daily. He went through chemotherapy and had his leg amputated. My daughter saw everything- his up and downs and mine as well. While she wasn't with him the day he died, she was in the waiting room with my husband and knew he was going to die. Before his funeral, we had her tell us something about him that she will always remember. We put that memory on a homemade card along with a picture of her. At the funeral, she laid the card on his chest and it was buried with him. We approached the situation like this- death is a part of life. It is not an end, just another chapter that everyone must pass through. We have had extensive talks and never shun the subject even though I will cry the entire time. I tell her my tears are for me not him, that we are all luckier to have had him in our lives. Now eight months later, her memory of him is very dim. She does not remember all the hospital visits or even the amputation. However, our dog died in March and she does cry for him periodically. Last week she asked if we could have a funeral for him. I think she gets and has set it straight in her mind. You're little one will too. It's the adults that get it all mixed up. Life...death...it's really that simple to a child.
My prayers to you and your family.
C.
I've only had one similar experience, but I was shocked.
My niece was 3 when her father passed away (car accident). She didn't actually go to the funeral, but she was told that he was in heaven and she didn't seem very effected by it - he was not in the picture so much. If questions were asked they were answered and she still (age 6) talks about him every once in a while. So, here's the shock - when my mother-in-law's father died the next year my niece told her, "It'll be ok, my dad's in heaven too." At that moment I realized how much little kids really do understand. Just be honest about what's happening & that she won't be able to see her after she dies. And remember that it's ok to talk about her & remember the good things. Sounds like she's lived a long life & there should be plenty of good times to reflect on.
I'm sorry for your grandmother & wish you luck.
L.
Hi D.,
My family lost my grandma in April and my three(3) old loved her alot. She too died of cancer. Unfortunately we only had two weeks to deal with it all before she departed from this world. In my opinion you did the best thing possible in your situation. You told her about God. My husband and I told our children that God loans us our grandmas and parents for a while but He does call them back to Heaven when He needs them. We also reassured them that if we do good things and remember all that they have taught us (according to God), we will have a chance to see grandma again.
I wish you all the luck and I will pray for your family and your strength during this hard time.May God bless you.
Q.
Hello D., I feel for your family. I am also Catholic and go to pauline book store in Crestwood for many of my recourses. There number is ###-###-####. I know that they have a wonderful childrens book that explains death to the little ones.
Blessings,
A.
I recently had to do this with my son, who will be 4 in December. My grandmother (age 96) passed away in June and he saw her several times a month. What worked for us was telling him that Great-grandma was very sick, and she would continue to feel bad. We also told him that she would eventually go to heaven and spend time with her mommy and daddy, but that she really loved him and didn't want to leave until he knew how much.
After Grandma passed away, we told him that people go to heaven and become stars and angels so that they can watch over us. The stars actually bright points of light that angels sit on so their family members can see them. Almost every night, my son wants to find "grandma's star" so that he can tell her good night and that he loves her.
Hospice is great because it not only treats the person that is ill, but it also gives a lot of family support. The whole point of hospice is to help the patient and the family through the death process. Take advantage of the service, I'm sure that the agency you are using would have information that is helpfull for your situation. My heart goes out to you, this time is never easy, get all the time you can, and have as much fun as you can with the time you have left.
Maybe try checking at your local library or at the hospice to see if maybe they have some materials to explain to your daughter. I'm really sorry to hear about your grandma.
D.,
I am truly sorry to hear about your grandma. I just wanted to say that I am a nursing student that just so happened to do my hospice rotation yesterday. I also take a class called Death and Dying at our local college. The hospice organizations definitely can point you in the right direction. Someone mentioned that they are for the whole family, that is definitely correct. Also, the hospice websites are a big help. I used a website http://www.hospicenet.org they have a section that talks about explaining death to children not only with children that are on hospice but also as children with a family member on hospice. I hope this helps. I also used several other hospice websites that I found by Google and typing in hospice.
Good luck,
E.
D.,
I'm sorry for what your family is going through. I'm really glad your grandmother is receiving hospice care; it will help her be a lot more comfortable, and she will have not only a nurse but a chaplain and a social worker available to her and to your family. I'm a hospice chaplain and love how much hospice can help everyone involved.
With your daughter, it's best to keep it simple and really listen to what she has to say and ask. Her questions can be a guide. One book that I love, and although not specifically about death can be helpful, is "I Love You Forever" by Robert Munsch. It talks about how a mother sings her baby son to sleep, and as he grows up, she continues to sing the same song to him, and at the end of her life, when the baby is a grown man, he sings the song to her. Her death is hinted at rather than explicitly stated and not at all scary, but you may be able to use to talk about death in a basic way. Also, the hospice probably has a bereavement coordinator. I think it's helpful for any children close to the dying person to at least meet and maybe get to know the bereavement coordinator before the person's death, so that they can help talk the child through it. I know this is getting long, but if there's anything I can help you with, feel free to send me a message.
God bless,
T.
