What to Do About Father-in-law

When he comes over and your girl is being fussy, just hand her to him. I dont know how old she is but I would say something like, 'You showed up at just the right time, Alexia is a little cranky right now do you think you could watch her while I get her bath ready?' or how about ' I was just about to run to the store for some more wipes, since your here could you babysit for a few minutes. I'm sure she will want to spend time with you since your here even though she gets cranky about this time.' After a time or two he might lighten up.

I think people should deal with their own families so that this is your husband's to solve. And that DOESN'T mean he can just go "H. doesn't want you here." He needs to talk to his Dad about his timing and frequency. Or if your DH is home when Dad comes by he needs to keep his dad occupied and out of the way. I don't see that as the best solution since it means your DH can't help YOU out. I feel for you, I would be ripped if I kept having company at bedtime every night. Good luck. Aren't families fun!

It sounds like he is lonely. Is there a MIL in the picture? I agree you should ask him to help out. You might even suggest he come over earlier so that he can help out. Does he cook? Put him to work making a salad or checking on the chicken in the oven or more. Or hand him your daughter and a book. As for telling her she is cranky, she probably doesn't understand what that means anyway.
Maybe you feel judged when he says it. Like you shouldn't let her get cranky. He probably isn't trying to push your buttons; he just isn't sure what else to say.
Good luck.

We all have our share of in-law problems.... Be gentle and kind and loving to him (even if it kills you) and be honest.... "You know, (fill in the blank here), that we love you and enjoy your company and want you to be a part of the baby's life. Could you try coming over a little earlier (or fill in the blank here) because it will make our family time so much better together. I get a little cranky when it gets late and we all need our rest. I hope you understand." Hope it works!

If your husband won't do anything then YOU need to lay down the law NOW. Try to be as diplomatic as possible, but if you dont do something now, then later on down the line, it will be something else he pushes the line with. Trust me, I have been put in similar and even worse situations with my FIL when my first daughter came along. I finally put my foot down and no one dares cross me now when it comes to my kids. I am generally a very laid back person, but when my children are involved, people need to understand that they are my first priority. Bedtime is important and they need to understand and most importantly RESPECT that. Good luck!

Hi H.,

Well, you could just tell him that you would prefer he not visti at that time of day and give him an alternative time he could visit. Or, you could start delegating some "helpful" acitivity which would be useful to you and keep him out of your hair.

Sometimes we are so stressed that we don't want to deal with it at all. Frequently we don't want to relinquish anything either because it makes us feel like failures or we think we are the only one who can do it right. I say think outside the box and have him help with the evening routine. You may find he visits a little less often or you might find you get alot more done and can actually relax during this crazy time of day.

J.

Is he coming specifically to see your daughter? If so, explain to him that he will not have quality time with her if he comes right before bedtime and it is therefore pointless to come at that time. He can either come earlier if he wants to see her, come later (after she goes to bed) if he isnt there specifically for her, or not come at all. You are entirely in the right in discussing this with him. Its you're right to restrict who comes to your home unannounced, and everyday is excessive even if he did call before coming over. However, I agree with an earlier post that it is your husbands responsibility to do the dirty work of talking to HIS father, because if you do it you'll end up being (unfairly) labeled the bitchy daughter-in-law.

What if you try talking to him and put it in a positive light. Something like, "Alexia loves seeing you and you guys can have more fun if we set up a morning play date time" Or what if you ask him to come over before dinner and he can play with her while your cooking?-Maybe he would like it if he felt like he was a help?

Your husband should really step up and say something. There is nothing wrong with asking for some boundaries! Good Luck!

How about "hey, Frank, mind coming over at 730 tomorrow, by then Alexia will be in bed" or mind bringing over x,y, z and some milk when you come tomorrow, or next thursday when you come you can make dinner...is he coming just to see her? Is he babysitting material? Maybe weekend time would be better and more fun so suggest that we do stuff next Saturday, since she is ALWAYS this cranky ('cause she's 11 mos!!) this time of day...good luck. Boys in general need to really be told (aka hit over the head with a brick) Hints will not work.

I don't have the miracle answer for you. Although, your FIL sounds a lot like mine. I would as gently and concerning for my FIL's feelings talk with my DH. I would provide suggestions such as saying...not when he comes...hey you know you come by during the time we're trying to get Alexia down to bed. She's really cranky then and we're all just trying to stay on an even keel dealing with it. If you want to stop by do you may enjoy coming before _:__.
Or try Oh, man isn't Alexia so cranky when we're trying to get her ready for bed? (let FIL answer) Ya, it starts at _:__, you might find it more enjoyable coming before then. It's a difficult time for us after that.

I wouldn't say anything about not coming every night. Changing the time may do enough. Or it's something your going to have to pray to love. I feel that with these kind of men, giving them such "restrictions" is not something they can handle lightly. I'll think more on it and PM you if I think of something to gently say about not coming every night. Luckily for me the only time my FIL gets out of his car & comes in is when he's invited for dinner. Otherwise he sits in our driveway and beeps until someone comes out & visits him. Nice at 8am when people are still waking up in the nieghborhood. Just something you marry into that we have to pray to love about them. Sometimes just to feel better ourselves...lol..we do to his house and do the same to him.

It is DEFINATELY something hubby has to talk to him about. You doing it will make you the "bad" or "mean" one. He needs to step up and stand up for his wife and daughter. Imagine if he spoke out to your family, how they would view him.

Next time your FIL comes over around that time, and if he says something about her being cranky, why don't you politely say to him, that it's so nice to have him come see your granddaughter, but usually this is her time to unwind and get ready for bed, do you think you could come visit at BLANK TIME...(tell him whatever time's convenient for you)...instead? I'm sure she'd be in a better mood at that time and more willing to play with you while you visit.

Hope that suggestion helps, but also, don't forget how important it is to have our family over. I only wish my father-in-law took the time out of his day to come visit us more.

I agree with what others say here -- it sounds like he really wants a relationship with his granddaughter -- I would say something like "It's wonderful how much you want to spend time with her and us. She tends to get cranky right around now, and I'm trying to make dinner -- could you please come over a bit earlier and take her so that I can?" Or, be proactive, and call in the afternoon, asking if he's planning on stopping by tonight and does he mind picking up x,y, and z first, or helping make dinner, or watching her while you do. Basically, get him on your side and helping rather than showing up and expecting to be a guest and entertained.

I also like the idea someone had about being in various states of unreadiness and pointing out that you'd be more prepared if he had called first. :-)

The only person who can really stop it is your husband. Maybe he can suggest one night a week that his dad comes over for dinner. If you do it you might start a feud.

You got tons of great advice. If all else fails, you should have him bathe & put the cranky one to bed and go out to run an errand.. haha... make him useful and get a little time to yourself :-)

It sounds like he is a lonely person with time on his hands and does not know how to handle himself. You could ask him to come earlier, using that as a starting point telling him that she is in a better mood at that time. Or ask him to help with her at an earlier time, that may work out to your advantage either way.Ask him to read bedtime stories as his nightly "job". Its worth a try

You got a lot of great advice below - but I would add that there are generational differences - My FIL was older and from a generation where men didn't care for the babies - they played baseball with older children. I don't agree with it - but it was not my place to tell him how he was to live his life. None of the suggestions below would have worked for me. It would have "proven" what a disorganized mother I was. Also - if he works he probably can't come earlier.
If you have a multi-floor house - start taking your daughter upstairs for her night time routine. Let your husband and FIL spend time together. How about if your Husband takes FIL out once in a while. FIL not lonely, guys have bonding time and you get a little quiet to put daughter to bed. My other suggestion is rather passive agressive - take your daughter out of the house a few times when you expect your FIL to come over. You would lose the argument over being strict about bedtime - but it would be a surprise for FIL.

Here's my biggest advice - don't cause rifts in the family unless the dynamics are really detrimental to any of your immediate family members. I had a contentious relationship with my FIL - but I still loved him. He died two years ago and no one thought I cared or grieved. Even my husband didn't understand that not liking parts of FIL didn't mean I didn't love him. And my feelings put stress on my husband when my FIL was alive.

Now I'm a MIL and I'm trying my best to not make my son feel torn between his wife and his parents. Sure I slip - hard not to when DIL thinks only of her family (her wedding album had no formal pictures of our side of the family - the informal ones were listed as "other guests" - just one example for you to get the picture). I just remind myself that people are not here forever and being kind is the best way to go - I am NOT saying being a pushover - just kind.

I also have a 4 yr old son and I want him to have strong memories of his family (they probably won't be with him in later life) - so I am taking a much different approach this second time around. His brother saw the tension between family members - now I know that things change over time and what was a problem at one point disappears as the child grows older. Address the issues that won't disappear - like drawing boundaries over family. Not a line in the sand - but boundaries so your children grow up with healthy boundaries. Get DH on board without causing him to alienate his dad (unless Dad is toxic).

OK, well here is some crazy, unconventional advice.

Have the house a mess and ask him for help to clean up.
Ask him to changer Alexia's diaper, or to empty the diaper pail.
Say something like - it is such a pleasure to have your company every night - do you think you could do xyz to help out?
Have curlers in your hair - and say oh sorry - I would have been more prepared if you had called.
Wear some pajamas - even sexier ones, and again say - oh sorry - I would have been more prepared if you called.

If there is anything that makes him uncomfortable he will no longer come unannounced!

Otherwise just lay it on the line and say - I love your company, but with a baby here now who gets cranky at the 6:30 hour, I need more time and space, so it would help me a GREAT deal if you would call first and/or come over after 7pm.

Hope that helps, good luck, and let us know how it turns out.

H.,

I do think if you suggest an ealier time so he can enjoy her might be the way to go. I don't know how old he is ...but I my kids didnt have a grampa to visit them. Its to bad he is driving you nuts, maybe he is lonely. Maybe your husband can do somtthing with him a couple times a week? if possible. I really don't think you want to offend him so he doesnt come over anymore. Grandparents are so important, he just needs to have better timing. I do understand not wanting someone every night of the week. If he is single.....set him up with a nice women! LOL!

good luck!
D.

hey, we have the same father in law! unfortunately, not much helped with us BUT... I did end up having it out with the inlaws and said they need to call and they need to come over earlier.. I was very strict about bedtime and would put my kid to bed whether they were there or not.. caused a huge riff, they didn't speak to me for months and then we all sat down and talked.. it didn't get much better.. they did start calling, but usually from the car in front of the house.. eventually, it got to the point where I would invite them for dinner one or twice a week.. that helped.. try that - set a time for him to come specifically to visit.. now we are down to two visits a week, and occassionally the surprise visit. you just have to talk to him and get him to realize that it is causes issues with bedtime.. it won't be easy and it may cause problems, but in the end, it will work out. good luck

sounds like we have the same in-laws!! You may have to politely tell him how you feel and if your husband won't back you up you may hve to deal with the fallout but hopefully in the end, his nightly visits will stop or at least decrease and he'll get over it...and if he doesn't and wants to react in an immature manner and have a hissy fit, move on and don't beat yourself up over it, he'll eventually come around...I had to learn it the hard way