What Would You Do? (Mother-in-law)

Come for one day to see and hold her grandchild, then go home if she can not help you.
I am a 71 year old grandmother.
You need help from her, you should not be expected to help take care of her.

T. -
I have had many mother-in-law issues through the years. Mine suffers from depression, and tends to interject herself into our lives entirely too much. Please order "Boundaries" on CD by Dr. Townsend and Dr. McLeod. I am not one to preach self help books and tapes, but this is a gem. I have listened to these CD's, particularly the family section (CD5). It really helps you with speaking up and setting boundaries within a family. You will learn how to speak up and it will not even bother you!!! (It is a little religious, but these cd's are great!!)
The main thing is, your husband needs to be a united front with you. If he is anything like mine, he won't say or do anything to upset his mamma!! You can still love your mother-in-law, but still be firm with her. She is only thinking of herself and that is a sad way to live. You cannot change her, you can only change your reaction to her.

My situation got so bad, that I have seen a counselor and it has done a world of good. Good luck, dear. I feel your pain. YOU have the power to change this. You are giving your mother-in-law WAY TOO MUCH POWER OVER YOUR LIFE. Take care.

Of course you and the baby come first... My MIL wanted to come stay with me after I had my son and I had my husband inform her that no one was welcome for the first week. It was bonding time for mom, dad and baby. She got her feelings hurt but got over it. I do feel strongly that your hubby needs to handle his own mother and defend you if needed. I don't know what else to tell you accept that I am a very blunt person and my MIL always knows how I feel about something and backs off when needed.

I know it seems kind of harsh but your husband needs to tell his mom how he feels and that she is not allowed to treat you the way she does. I don't know if you are Christian but in the book of Matthew 19:5-6 it says " 5 And said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh?
6 Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder. " I would argue that no man put asunder also mean your mother-in-law. I say this because my Mom if like your husband's and it took both myself and my husband to tell her how we feel and that we won't take her behavior for her to get a wake up call. My husband told her she was either to treat me with respect or she wasn't allowed to call or visit. My mom was MAD for a week and then she decided that her pride wasn't worth losing a relationship. You guys need to take care of your family; you, your husband and your 3 kids. They are your number one priority and as much as you love your mother-in-law if she is being abusive emotionally (ie excessive guilt trips, name calling. etc.) she should not be allowed to give your chidren that kind of example. Especially after giving birth, you need people that will build you up & not tear & wear you down.

Okay, Dr. Laura and Dear Abby would tell you to tell hubby to get a backbone and tell his mother, one week. Sounds like after the way she treats everyone she is blessed to get that.

Good luck to you.

Tell her when she may arrive, tell her fo how long she is welcome. If you do not want a two week visit, you do not need to have one. Maybe you can compromise, and she can stay in a hotel or with another family member during two weeks. Don't let her tell you how you are going to run your household and take care of your family. Period. If she wants to choose to let her feelings be hurt because you invited her to stay a week to visit the baby, then that is her choice. Frame the invitation positively, but be firm.

I definitly advise getting your feelings out before the baby comes.You be so tired after and emotional that it might really come out wrong.I didnt get my feelings out in the open and it caused me a lot of grief.I had a csection and the day I came home I was so tired and I just wanted to rest in my own bed but instead i had my grandmother my motherinlaw and father in law great aunt and my husbands grandma all in my house.The baby was being passed around like a ball.everyone just kept hanging around.my husbands family lives here and finally at 10:00pm I kicked them out.I actually told them I needed them to go because the baby and i needed to go to sleep.THIS IS YOUR CHOICE AND EVERYONE NEEDS TO RESPECT THAT.Having a new born is a lot of work in itself the last thing you need is more people to care for.You are the one who is giving birth so you need all the help you can get.I know how it feels to have a baby and then have 4 different people hanging around and try to be its mom.good luck with your descision and remember some one needs to think about what is best for you and the baby if everone else is going to think about themselves instead then you have got to let them know how you feel.

However you do it, you need to put yourself and your family first. How selfish of her to try to center attention on herself when you are about to have another baby and already have enough on her plate. If your husband doesn't have the guts to talk to her, you do it, and make yourself clear so you don't have to repeat yourself. Remind her that you are about to give BIRTH to a baby and that you need help, not more stress. Tell her that your parents are coming to visit, tell her when she is allowed to come visit, and when she must leave. It's your house, so it's your rules. Too bad for her if her feelings get hurt. She's a grown woman and it's about time she started acting like it. Good luck and I wish you and your family the best!!

First I want to congratulate you on your new baby...I have eight children and none of them were planned, but they are all huge blessings...and no, it is not easy, but yes, it is so worth it! And I did all of the new baby work with no mom or mother in law to help, just my hubby for the week or two he was off after each one... and my children, as they got older and could help. There were also meals from friends and folks from church and some babysitting (pretty limited on that, though...) We just worked it out, since my hubby's mom was not able physically to help and my parents were not close by (we were in California and Texas and they were in Florida)

As far as relating to your MIL, if you can pick up a book by the name of Boundaries by Drs. Cloud and Townsend, it will probably help (check on Amazon.com) It is kind of you to consider your MIL's feelings, but ultimately your priorities must be, (after God), your family first (actually your marriage first and then the children). When I have ordered my life that way, there has been great peace and blessing. Maybe your MIL has some things she needs to work out with herself and God...that doesn't make it right and good for her to bring that into your home with your little ones and a new baby and a postpartum mommy who is going to be doing well to hold all of her own business together (you gotta take care of your family!!). As far as cooking and cleaning for her, well, my best experience was when I got to stay in bed for the first week or two to establish my milk supply and heal up. It sounds like to me what would be best would be for your mom and dad to come and minister to you and your children and set some serious boundaries with your MIL (maybe they could function as your security guards/policemen) . Pray for your husband to be strong and a good defender of the peace in your home (and your marriage)!
I pray for you right now, that God would lead you in the way you should go and give you the right words to say at the right time...with the right heart...
You don't need to be mean spirited when establishing good boundaries, just firm. Remember, God first, marriage second, your nuclear family next and everything else comes after that. I know it sounds so simple and easy...and it is somewhat simple, but easy? Probably not...but very much worth it. I had to tell my mom on the phone a few years ago that I would hang up on her if she started going negative about my husband anymore. And it has been such a blessing ever since, as she has honored my wishes, once I verbalized them to her. It wasn't good for her to talk about him in dishonoring ways so I stood my ground and said that I treasured our relationship too much to be okay with that anymore. You can say the same kind of thing in love to your mother in law or maybe it is your husband's place to do that. again, pray...
I hope this helps. I just couldn't help but respond when I read your note.
God bless you and your whole family and that precious little bundle! Isn't it awesome that we don't always get what we want and sometimes get what we don't, but He always knows best!!!
Laura

When dealing with difficult situations remember the "Three D's".

Defend, Deliniate and Deflect

Defend - Defend you and your family choices/decisions/parents methods

Deliniate - Explain CLEARLY what IS and is NOT open for discussion

Deflect - Change the subject nicely and cheerfully.

The rules - do not yell, whine, moan, whimper or play the victim or blame game. Repeat as often as necessary.

Goes like this:
"Mom, I appreciate your wisdom about raising children, your son is a fantastic husband - but THIS (what we feed our children or whatever the issue is) is something we are going to decide for ourselves. It really isn't open to discussion right now.What did the doctor say about your knee?"

Repeat as needed. Calmly and clearly.

SET THE BOUNDARIES.

Now - in terms of the coming baby and visiting nightmare - why not say something like this.....

"Mom, last time you came and visited I felt resentful that I wasn't able to spend as much time with you as I wanted becuase all my attention was on the new baby. I won't be able to cook for you or clean up after you at all. Do you want to wait until you are feeling better to come and visit so you can help out or will you be making arrangements for someone to provide food for your while you're here?"

This politely makes it clear that YOU are not her housekeeper - you are a woman who just had a baby and your whole focus will be on the baby and recovering. It also make it clear that you expect HER to take responsibility for her care and maintainance while she is in your home.

A. <><

ETA - My midwives have a very cool sign they put on the door of my house that announces the baby's arrival and then says in BOLD letters "Mother and Baby need to rest and bond for 6 weeks. If you stay more then 10 MINUTES please cook a meal, start laundry or vaccuum the floor. Otherwise enjoy a brief visit. Doctor's orders."

*laughing* YOU need a sign like THAT. :-D

ETA again - sometimes you really do have to repeat the "Three D's" over and over until someone gets the message. Someone was harranging me about our decision to not use birth control - literally attacking me. It went something like this: "What the hell were you thinking? What if you have 20 kids?" "I'm sorry - this topic is something between my husband and God and I and not open for debate. How is your son doing in preschool?" "No, I'm serious. My grandchildren will be starving becuase broodmares like you overpopulate the earth." "I'm not willing to discuss this subject with you right now since it's a private matter. Is Joshua not GOING to school anymore?"

After five more minutes my friend finally took the hint and changed the subject. She hasn't brought it up since. AND I never had to get mad at her rudeness - just deflected it while still communicating that it was INAPPROPRIATE. :-D

Hi T.,
Well I too have a mother in law. I was very up front with her from the very beginning. She backed up for a while but came around later and now she respects our decisions regarding our children. Since it wasn't right from the beginning it's going to be very hard for her to understand why you are "changing" your ways. If you have your husbands support and you both agree before you speak to her regarding what and what you both will not accept from her. In other words have a plan before the time comes for her to visit and stick to it. Guilt is a really ugly reason for a relationship and resentment is sure to sit in later. I wouldn't be nasty but honest with your feelings and tell her that you are not up to having company after giving birth. How about a visit later when you and your family are better adjusted with the new family member? I learned from mistakes in my past, YOUR family comes first. It's alright for you to have boundaries regarding you and your family!
C.

I don't have a lot of time to right, but I need to tell you to tell her - forget about it! You have so much on your plate, you do not have time to be worrying about her right now. She sounds like someone who needs a lot of attention and she knows you'll break down and give it to her. Your husband needs to understand that you and your children should be his main priority and he needs to tell his mom to give you guys some space. This will never end and she will never stop taking advantage of you. I've been in this situation and it almost broke my husband and i apart. He finally told her needed space and now we talk to her on occassion but it is always nice. I could't say that several years ago. Your husband needs to let her know lovingly to get away for awhile. Or this will blow up one day.

It is your home and your decision. She should be happy with whatever works for you. This is about you, not her. She should let you have your time with your family that you haven't seen. She should want what works for you. Just talk to her calmly and firmly. If she gets upset, tell her you love her and will be happy to talk to her when she calms down. Good luck.

I am sure that you love your mother-in-law, but this time after your baby is born is very important for you, and this should be about you!!!! Your MIL may want to come down, but this doesn't sound like a good time. You are lucky enough to have older children to take on some responcibility around the house so that you can take care of yourself, and baby #4. If the entire time your MIL will be there you will still have to do the cleaning and cooking, then you should tell her to stay home "until she is feeling better". That way you have one less person to care for, clean up after, and cook for. Remember, this isn't about her!!! This is about YOU! If her feelings are hurt then that is her choice. If you don't stand up and tell her how you feel then you are just asking for more work and a harder time.

Hi T.,

It sounds to me like you don't care for your mother in law because you think she requires too much attention, creates hostility and undermines your parenting. My advice would be to call her and tell her that you are afraid for her visit though you would not want to intrude on her Nana time. Let her know that when she imposes her parenting on you and your family, you find it innappropriate and would appreciate that when she is visiting that she please refrain from doing that. Also, let her know you are afraid that you may end up taking care of her like you did the last time and that her help instead would be greatly appreciated. Otherwise, she can plan on staying only one week while you arrange for someone who is able to actually contribute to you in your delicate state to come and help you.

It all sounds harsh, but a conversation along these lines in expressing your real feeling needs to happen in order for you to be at peace with her. It may blow up at first, but stay focused on the real issues and be honest with yourself and with her about your fears and what you think she takes away from you and your family. She may not be aware of it and it may be hard for her to accept at first.

It may also be that she is relentlessly trying to prove (to herself perhaps) that she is still in control of her son. Mother - son bonds are very strong.

Good luck. I hope this helps you.

you will have enough to do without having "company" just be honest about it and she will have to understand and should understand. good luck, another mother=in-law

I would recommend that you read a couple of books. "Why is it always about you?" by Sandy Hotchkiss and "Children of the Self-absorbed" by Nina Brown. I suspect you have a narcissist on your hands.

Personally having a mother who is one, I'd say my advice is to find your inner mother bear and do what you must to do what is best for YOUR family.

Oh, and your husband had better be on board, or you're in for a very rough time.

Best of luck,
C.

Hi T.,

WOW, that's a tough one. I too had a similar situation. The best advise I can give is to be honest and upfront always. Of course at first, feelings will be hurt but once you have developed this upfront, consistent, truthful relationship it will blossom.

My issue was with my mom and my mother-n-law. When we were first married we lived by my mother until she forced us to move. She was doing the parenting to not only myself, by children and husband too. So we moved next to my mother n law. That was worse than my own mother. She not only was doing the parenting but she litterally would do the opposite of what I said each and every time. She fed my 4 month old baby mashed potatoes. To this day he hates them! My husband was helpless as he didn't want to hurt his mother. I learned quickly she used this guilt over him to get what she wanted. So I told my husband we needed to move or our relationship wasn't going to last.

We did. We moved 30 minutes from his mom and 20 minutes from my mom. Not to far but not too close. Life has been great. Both mom's visit regularly and we do too. I had a one on one with my mother-n-law to share my feelings and basically said we can have the best of relationships or none at all. We both had choices to make. And although she defies my requests sometimes for the most part she plays ball. I can't change her but I can ask her to respect me. We have built a really good relationship and I love her just like I do my own mom. But in order for this to happen I had to said boundaries and build our relationship.

Hope this helps.

L.

I recently had difficulty dealing with both my parents and in-laws about the holidays. As I was tearing my hair and about to pass out with all the stress a girlfriend pointed out that we are now the Mother's for our own families and as such our parents and inlaws have to accept that we need to make the best decisions for our own situations. If they truly love us they will just have to accept whatever the decision is and make the best of it. You are about to have a fourth baby and need all your strength. In no way does limiting your MIL's visit seem out of line to me. It's the telling her part that is tough. Hubby needs to do it though since it's his Mom. It will be harder for her to be angry I hope. Good luck and Congratulations!!!!! ;;-))

Well, you seem to have lots on your mind and with a baby on the way, you really need to be preparing yourself and your children for the new addition. My advice is that you and your husband need to remember that she is the visiting grandma and that since she is HIS mother HE needs to be dealing with HER. You have alot on your plate and will be the one giving birth, so that has to be HIS priority. Next, if she is injured maybe she needs to wait till she is healed before she comes to visit. So she can have TRUE quality Nana time. Do you need to take care of everyone right after giving birth?? I think, not a good idea. The 11 year old will be a big help with things and the 3 year old will need your husband to take charge. We moms forget that if we are always so busy taking care of everyone else that we leave ourselves last. I understand your feelings, but you need to deligate. Bringing home a new baby should be a wonderful and loving experience not a stresser for you or the new one in your family. Make a family plan together, you, your husband, and your children then put the plan in place with everyone knowing ahead of your visitors what THEIR part is. Enjoy your new addition and take care of yourself. You have control over nothing but yourself and the way you choose to react to things. Good Luck, V. N.

Tonya,
Wow, arn't women great.. You have been given so much great Advice. What you have been given is great and very true. Really your husband should talk to her and then have a meeting if that doesn't work. I think the same, It's YOUR FAMILY and your raising the kids and have to take care of yourself. Your mother-in-law does seem to have symptoms of depression. That is a whole other subject, and emotions and might not be the thing to say or mention,just read about it and how to deal with it, unless your husbands talks to her. Sticky, any way, just enjoy the new baby and seeing your parents again. Everyone is there to help you and be a mom and grandparent, not for you to take care of your mother in law when you just had a new baby.

Good Luck!

Girl... it is your baby and your life. I know it is hard to put your own feelings before someone else's, but when are you going to be able to give birth to this 3rd baby again??? Can't "re-do" live birth... This is your moment in the spotlight- not hers. She will get over it...

Stick to your guns girl. I am a new Mother-in-law and turning off the "mothering" is hard. Hopefully I transition to the back seat gracefully. She may be suffering a deep depression, I did not read of a father-in-law, she sounds lonely and feeling unloved or unappreciated. You do need to keep your sanity - but as Dr. laura would say --- your husband needs to reign his mother in -- and maybe if he took some time to go visit her one on one, take her to dinner once in a while, she would feel better about her situation. Sounds like no matter what you do, her feelings will be hurt. Setting some ground rules on visitations, advise, and anything else is in order here. It may be hard in the beginning, but better in the long run. Does she have a circle of friends, hobbies, going on in her life? I always appreciate it when my son is honest with me - but he does it with love and respect and a hug. good luck and if you need more advise - call Dr. Laura -- she will set everyone straight! She does not mess around. Children are wonderful and how blessed you are to be parents. Grandparents have so much to offer them so I hope you all are able to work things out agreeably.

Hi T.,

Your life sounds like the movie "Monster In Law"...you should rent it....!!! As for your MIL's behavior, it does sound like depression. I knew a man once that would hurt himself on purpose in order to get attention...not a good thing! He had depression issues. They are very good at manipulation. And yes you need to set the boundary of 1 week. Maybe you could tell her that you would like for her to come back in 3 mo. to see how the baby has grown or to lend a hand after her knee heals. Her fear is that you guys don't want her around at all, so include her before hand on special occasions, buy her an event calendar that doesn't change years but always has the dates on it. Just an idea. She just doesn't want to be left out. Watch the movie, I think you'll get some ideas from it.

Take care,

W. R.

On the parenting issues: Just tell her that while you are more than happy to hear her suggestions, you will have to raise the children your way. You are the parents and the ones the children see everyday, so it's best if the parenting comes from you so there is no confusion as to who to listen to. My mom used to do this to my sister. When she visited, she told me she was going to keep her mouth shut. I told her I'd be willing to hear what she had to say, but I couldn't guarantee I would follow all of it. That seemed to work for her (partly maybe because my sister refused to listen at all).

On the 2-week visit: No, you are not being harsh by limiting it to a week. You can't take care of her and the new baby, so I'd suggest she wait until her knee is better. I'd even limit it to no more than 5 days or a weekend trip, but that's just me. :) Although I don't like the idea of lying to anyone, it sounds like it might be easier just to tell her your doctor is going to place you on bed rest (or limited activities) the first X weeks after delivery. And thus, you cannot help her and your children. If she realizes she has to wait longer, her knee may suddenly heal very quickly. :)

Oh my gosh not at all!! How are you going to be able to take care of her after you just had a baby yourself? Try making your husband say something to her, after all its his mother.

The reason for company when having a baby is for them to come and help you in this very fragile time in your life. I don't know how you've already presented yourself, but if someone is already used to being in your bizwax will be hard to tell this to. If you just stand your ground and matter of factly tell her that you appreciate the offer but at this time you are going to need to rest and that she needs to come and stay when her knee gets better. I'm a very unprivate person so this was hard for me to accomplish but I had to quit worrying about everyone elses feelings, because those people are the very ones who don't care about mine. You have to build a home for your kids and be well rested and unstressed to give them what they need from you, so there should be no guilt in saying what you want. Plus she has been around you parents have been in Iraq you want to visit with them and them have one on one with your kids. If your husband is too concerned with his mom's feelings then thats not good, your the one who is boring his kids. He needs to get a handle on things. Goodluck and remember everything said in love will leave you guilt free.

Hi T.,

O.K. this is way too much for you to be handling!!! I just wanted to encourage you to stick to your plan. If your husband can't talk some common sense into her and she won't honor your feelings and requests, there is nothing else you can do. I would just have my husband tell her one week and then make some plans to have your friend come for a night or leave and stay in a hotel for the night so she can't stay!!! It will be uncomfortable no matter what. Even is she agrees to the one week (which is very generous!) she will still be all pouty and hurt. If she comes for two, she would still be all pouty and hurt! You will never be able to please her, so you need to circle the wagons and take care of you and your own family! Each time you make this stand it will get easier. It will take some time and you will still feel hurt and misunderstood, but it will get better!!
My mom is a little like this. She will push and push until she gets her way and then is miserable when she gets it. I have learned to make my plans before I call her. I tell her what we are doing and then I ask what her plans are. This did not go over well the first two years of holidays, but now she is great about it.
Stand firm and do what you need to! Bounderies are the key to all successful relationships!!

Best Wishes,
W.

It looks like everyone has something similar to say about their MIL's!
I too, have a needy MIL who sucks the life out of us...
I just had my 2nd baby, (my hubby's first) and we were only married 30 days when we got PG.... First she was upset, "I just KNEW that's why you got married!" (it wasn't) THEN< she was vocally upset that it was a girl. and SHE wanted a boy. As if I could choose! Both these responses really hurt my husband, who is not that fond of his mother to begin with.

Also, my mother is a gambling-aholic, and doesn't own a car, lives in deplorable housing, and is always needing someone to haul her around. Thank goodness, she too, lives farther away.

She couldn't manage to find a ride when the baby was born, my mother came and stayed a week to help me. But when she did come down, she took her entire vacation of one week, and guess who had to do all the cooking for her! She did help pick up, that's true. But she tattled so much on my 4 year old that I was screaming my head off at her, (4 year old was being more than defiant... didnt help she had an audience) I was way sleep deprived and breastfeeding and those first weeks aren't easy! She constantly kept mentioning that if I would bottle feed, she'd help.... breastfeeding is great for other people, but she wished she could feed her too.

My husband wouldn't talk to her either. He just stayed away...."working". Grr.... All in all, it wasn't that totally bad, but I can feel your pain.

Funny how first my MIL was upset we were having a baby, and then she didn't want a girl. But now, everytime I go home (parents all live about 30 min apart) she cries and manipulates to get me to pack up all the kids to come to her. Drives me crazy.

So I don't have words of wisdom, except, that YOU should be the one cuddling and bonding with your baby the first few weeks (not saying you shouldn share ;) But if she's just wanting to come down to baby-hog while you try to nurse YOURSELF back to health... well, I'd be more than just having words with your hubby, if he doesn't set some boundries.

Everyone seems to have good advice. I know how you feel, that's about the best I can do. Because I haven't found a way to deal with my own! Hopefully, you have some good close friends or church members that will help with meals and will allow you to catch some rest during the first few weeks.

Just know you are not alone and good luck! God Bless you with a safe and wonderful birth!

I do not think you are being harsh at all! First off, does she live close or will she have to travel a distance to get to your house? If she lives close I don't think she should stay at all! If it's a distance maybe you should tell her to come when her leg is better! You SHOULD NOT have to take care of her RIGHT after you have had a baby! That is CRAZY!! You dear woman!! I have opted to not have anyone at my house right after we brought/bring them home...it's a special bonding time as a family. I fully understand you wanting your parents since they have been away for soooo long!! I think you and your husband should tell her what you are feeling...who really cares if she gets her feelings hurt....you can't help that...she'd get her feelings hurt over most anything it seems....This is not something you should have to be worrying about, but I know all too well how you feel b/c my hubby does not like to say/do anything that could upset his family. I love them dearly, but they don't think sometimes and my concerns are not important to them most of the time! Good luck! I hope I don't sound rude, it just drives me nuts how WE should be catered to after just giving birth (giving birth is not that easy...it's hard on your body and your need recovery time!) and others make it about THEM!! Off my box now!! lol

Start off: Congrats on baby & Nice name (see mine)

So, I would say you are in no way off base! After having 2 babies of my own, you are intitled to have her there only the time you want/need.

I would suggest that in telling her, you make it sound as if YOU don't need her help, not that you don't need HER help! Just say something to the affect that: You are more than welcome to come when you are ready, but there is no need for you to postpone your life and stay any longer than 1 week as I am sure after having 2 other babies I can handle the third just well after a short re-coop time. I would hate for you to miss your events at home and keep you away longer than necessary, especially since we can get along just fine!

Best of luck!
T.

I think telling her that one week is fine. It's not your responsibility to raise her.

I would pray about it and tell her to come for a week. She sounds lonely and she may be dealing with some depression. Sit her own and talk to her about the issues at hand.

I am a grandmother of 4 and if my sons & their wives were having another baby I would just die if I was told that I couldn't see the new baby for 4 whole days! I think that's a little harsh. I would suggest that she come see the baby, but she can't stay with you since your parents are going to be there with you. However, I do think that your mother-in-law is selfish for asking you to care for her during her knee recuperating time. Has she no other family? Your husband should step up to the plate and have a talk with her about all of your concerns since he agrees with you. He should tell her to butt out!!!

From T to T. T

I would have given anything to have your problem, my mother- in-law, may she rest in peace, did not want anything at all to do with my children. She said "I've raised mine, now you raise yours". My children never had the opportunity to ask "can we go to grandma's house?" When they got grown she was a virtual stranger to them, but they did the best they could to forge a relationship with her. She won't be around always to bother you. Don't deprive your children of her company. You will be allright, you know what to expect.
R. P.

If your husband agrees with you, he should be the one to discuss it with his Mother. Together, figure out the ideal visiting arrangement, and let him pass it to Mom! Hubby needs to step up,,,I am sure he doesn't want to hurt Moms feelings, but he must take charge of the stressful situation and put his immediate famiy first! She will more likely to get over it when it is coming from her son.

I would express your concern about her injured knee and tell her SHE IS RIGHT (she will like hearing that) and you understand that she is just not up to taking care of you and the children at this time. After you are both back on your feet, maybe she can come for a nice visit. Then DO NOT LET HER COME. You need help and not more work. eXPLAIN this to your wonderful husband and try not to put him in the middle of the issue. Trust me T. been there done it sitting down and explaining this to her will not work and it will cause you much stress at this time. later...you can try but for now
keep stress to a minimum, love that baby, and enjoy your little family. I am a Mother-in-law

I believe your husband needs to step up to the plate and take care of the situation. It is not your Mother, you should not have to talk to her about it. Your Mother-in-law just wants attention. You are getting it and she is jealous. If your husband caters to her wishes, she will now and forever continue to throw these kinds of tantrums. Your husband is just that, your husband. He needs to take care of you in your (relatively very short) time of need. He has plenty of time after you all get settled with the baby to have [you] take care of his Mother and give her the attention her lonely self needs. In her behalf, she really needs to make friends, maybe you could encourage her to find a bridge group or some other activity where she could find people her age to associate with...she sounds very lonely and sad, do make sure she knows that she is needed when she does come to visit...maybe you could even ask her to cook one or some meals?

T.,
Having three sons who are now grown adults with children of their own makes me a mother-in-law three times over. Your HUSBAND needs to talk to his mother and tell her what you BOTH agreed on. If her feelings get hurt then so be it. I would think he would of already stepped up to the plate and done this before if you are on number 4!
She could be depressed, or going through menopause, I know it can make you a witch. But that is her problem. You have enough to deal with, kids, house, husband....pregnent!
Not only am I a mother-in-law, I have one too!! She was diagnosed bi-polor when in her sixties. I went from being the worlds best daughter-in-law to someone who was trying to poison her! At that time I had nine foster kids living in my house. Talk about not needing her issues too!
Just take care of your family, you could lay down and let her walk all over you and it still could not be enough.
Be nice, but know you are going to need your space too. Tell hubby to talk to his own mother. He needs to take the blame off of you and put it on himself! He can make it up to her later!
Good luck! You must be a good mother or God would not of foiled your tries at birth control!!

I am a mother in law and hopefully much more sensitive to my daughter in love. First, when I gave birth I wanted my mother, not my husbands. Second, unfortunately there may be no way to avoid hurting her if she is that sensitive. In the sweetest way possible you might say, I am sure you would be more comfortable in your own home and bed while your knees mend and that you will be very busy caring for the baby and the rest of your family. Tell her you love her very much for and how much you appreciate wanting to help. It might be better for her to come after her knee heals.

She is most likely very lonely and feels she is not needed or loved. That is a very hard place to be for her and the rest of her family. Does she have other children?

My best to you. I have never had this kind of mother in law problems praise the Lord!
J.

Wow, she needs to just stay home. Tell her that if she wants to come to visit then she needs to help out with the cooking & cleaning...not sitting around complaining about her knee. If she just complains about her knee, then tell her to stay home...you don't need another person to wait on. She should respect the fact that your parents are coming & stay out of the way.

She wants to stay 2 weeks? Sheesh. That's way too long. Sounds like she's needy & desperate for attention. My mom is like that. I would just tell her. Who's more important...your husband & children or your MIL?

I feel for you girl!!!
I understand what you are feeling. I always get the leture that a grandmother is a mother. I would do whatever YOUR family needs! If you only want her for a week then tell her so.Good luck.

You have to say NOTHING - YOUR HUSBAND has to talk to his mom. I did not have it this bad, but for the first 2 year sof my marriage, I could do no right for my mother-in-law. I would nicely say something and it would make it worse - of course I became this bad guy in her eyes. Finally my husband told his mom how much it hurt him by the way she treated me - after that day, we have had the best relationship. If your husband is in full agreement with you, then he needs to tell her.

I'd call her today. I'd be to the point, but not accusatory or emotional about it at all. Decide what you want her to do: either visit for 1 week or wait until she's "better" then tell her just that! If she starts to cry, throw guilt-trip, etc. Just tell her you'll have hubby call her later and HANG UP! You do not need this kind of stress before the baby is born - you already have too much on your plate to deal with drama.

Here's how the conversation would sound with my MIL:
1. Come back when you're better
"_______, (hubby) and I have been talking and we've decided that we really want to have you meet Matthew, but we are concerned about you traveling with your hurt knee and it's just too overwhelming to care for guests properly after just having a baby. We'd like to wait and come when your knee is better. I know we are all excited to see you, especially (older kids, hint hint!) but the visit will mean more to them when you are 100% better."

2. Just one week:
"_________, (hubby) and I were talking and we've decided that we know how excited you are to see Matthew, but we'd really like for you to just visit for a week at first, until you feel better and are able to focus on the grandkids. This way I don't have to worry about keeping you comfortable, taking care of the kids and the house, and recovering from childbirth. You remember what it was like when you had your kids."

Too bad about your mother-in-law's knee. What a shame that she won't feel like traveling or possibly injure the knee more while coming to help you with the children and housework... If your husband is truly 'the best' he will put you & your family first and tell that to his mother. If they ignore, then inform them that you have found a helper to clean and cook for a reasonable amount $$ for a few hours each day. (You should have a little help, either way !) Tell husband's mom you will be thrilled to have her visit when she is feeling better ! good luck

T., Congratulations on your baby and best wishes. Your mother-in-law is a different story. You just have to tell her that you are having a baby and with that sleep deprivation comes. You really don't have time to cook and care for her. Be honest I think that truth always hurts but at the end of the day you will accomplish getting the messege across. This is your time and you need to enjoy it to the fullest not worring about a lady that has no common sense.

Elisa M

All grandparents should be allowed to see the child at the same time and as soon as possible - if not, it is dishonoring.

I think you are a little bitter at your MIL, and are excited to see your parents. It's normal to feel anxious, but just relax and take it easy.

Just be gracious that you have people who love you and your baby. What's important is that you have a healthy baby, right? Who cares if the MIL wants to see the baby. Let her in, let her hold the baby. BUT YOU'RE THE MOM. YOU DICTATE WHAT YOUR CHILD DOES nad WHEN. Be gracious and caring, be social and loving. but be IN CONTROL!

I feel your pain but trust me, if you really dont want her there then she need to know. Its time for tough love, cause she didnt understand when you told her da first time. Tell your husband to man up and tell his mother, i did that with my husband. My children went down to vegas for da summer, i knew his sister had an anger problem so i told him he needed to tell her i dont want her putting on hand on my children(i've seen the way she spanked her child). But seriously he needs to tell her, or tell him you will and your going to be so nice. As for your mother in law being depressed, you cant be held responsive for her actions. And it seems like she doing the "knee pain" for attention......well good luck with everything.....

T.,

My heart goes out to you. First, the practical side: do you have someone brining meals to you? Friends, relatives in the area, church or other groups your in. If anyone askes what you need this may be a great request.

As to your mother-in-law. After reading what you wrote I get the impression that her husband is no longer in the picture. She sounds lonely, and probably depressed. All her complaints and poor me talk sound like a cry for attention. The fact that she becomes so emotional when you don't chose to take her advice leads me to believe that she doesn't feel needed, by anyone, only your getting the brunt of it.

No one's advice to you will be easy. But my thought was to suggest that she hold off her visit until her knee is healed. Do you have stairs in your house? Where will she be sleeping? If its on the second floor then you can back up your request with the claim that your only thinking of her. Be nice, but if your firm that you don't want her to come until her knee is better maybe she'll get the hint.

Finally, a heart to heart talk (which will be very taxing on you, I realize) may do wonders for your relationship with her. The past few years I had let many things build up, causing a lot of resentment between my mother-in-law and myself. At the end of a rare visit I went up and just told her. I didn't blame her, I wasn't mad at her, I was simply disappointed that I felt this way and wanted to let her know why. The things that bothered me before haven't changed, but I feel I can talk to her more candidly and she knows (even if she doesn't understand) where I'm coming from. Honestly, while hard, is the best policy.

Good luck, and I will be praying for you!

In no way what-so-ever should you pick up that phone and call your mother-in-law to dicuss this issue. She is your husband's mother and therefore HE needs to do this. He is your husband and should always discuss issues (the bad ones) with his mother, not you. It will cause more distress in the relationship than you need this point in your pregnancy. And you husband need to make it clear on the phone that it is his decision. She can hate you 'til the cows come home - but coming from her son, she shouldn't habor those bad feelings. I hope this helps. I have been told from the beginning of my marriage that any news (mostly the bad news) that you need to share with your in-laws should ALWAYS come from your husband. As like your parents - you should always be the one delivering the "bad" news to your parents. Good Luck!

T. A

T.,

You may have already heard this, but YOU should not have to say anything to her about this. That will just bring resentment on you from her. She is your husband's mother and it is HIS responsibility to handle her and lessen the effect of her on HIS FAMILY. Obviously, he does not want to hurt his mother's feelings- but perhaps he is not seeing just how much he is allowing you and the kids to be hurt by her. You and your children are his first priority- then comes his mother. And if she is the one causing problems for his first priority, then he has no choice but to step in and limit her.

You will have enough on your plate with two older kids and a new baby- you do not also need to be dealing with and taking care of her.

I too have MIL issues! I feel your pain. Last year when we were having my 2nd baby, my MIL pulled the same thing. She is very high maintenance as well and never helps when she is here, instead she makes demands. Here is what I learned...she called and told us that she was spending two weeks here. I spoke with my husband and told him that he needed to tell her that two weeks was just too long. You are recovering from childbirth, trying to bond as a family and quite honestly my general feeling about my MIL is that the only way she should stay longer than a week is if she starts paying our mortgage! She was VERY offended and when they came they stayed for 3 days and left when we came home from the hospital. After that, they have started staying in a hotel. I am sorry for "hurting her feelings" but at the end of the day, as mommy's we have a primary responsibilty to our children and ourselves. If it is just going to be a battle, then why do it! I do not think that you are being mean or harsh, but realistic. I would just let her know that you are looking forward to her visit, but that just like she won't be able to help you much, I would let her know that you won't be able to help her much either. I would let her know that 1 week would work much better for your family, as you will all be trying to adjust to the latest angel added to your family. Just remember that these things are much more easily digested when they come from the son and not the DIL. Your husband needs to be the one to address this with her. You have enough going on, you should not have to deal with the MIL right now! Good luck!

Hi T.,
Reading your message is a dejavu` for me in regards to M-I-L. Being she is your husband's mother, he need to speak to her concerning the issues that are causing problems. Speaking to her in love, and being obedient to Scripture about "leaving and cleaving" in Ephesian 5:21-32. I truly believe if your husband submit to the word of God in obedience, everything else will fall in place in reference to your M-I-L. Start w/prayer.

This is your husband's responsibility, not yours. He needs to be the one to tell her now is not a good time for an extended stay. You have enough on your plate without taking care of someone else's mother. Does she have a church family? It sounds like she definitely needs counseling. This negativity and the attacks - are your children witnesses to it? Her hurt feelings ultimately are not as important as your immediate family.

Stick to your guns. NO you should not be forced to have both her and your parents at YOUR house at the same time. It sounds like MIL will be staying at your house and NOT just visiting(for a few hours a day). Tell her she can come the same week....if she pays for a hotel room. How can you be expected to have 3 guests the week after you have baby #4 and you want to spend as much time as possible with your dad. You are being MORE than reasonable.

Also BUY HER A CANE. You are having a baby I am sorry childbirth trumps knee problems every time. She should wait on you or STAY HOME. She is just using a her knee as an excuse. Go ahead hurt her feelings what are you trying to salvage it is not a good comfortable relationship anyways. OK that is a little harsh but she has to understand that there has to be something in this relationship for you.

I had a very strained relationship with my own mother. Sometimes you just have to admit...she is unhappy and you can't so anything to fix it. You have tried she is still very unhappy.....You are having your 4th child you have enough on your plate already. (I have 4 kids......#4 is much easier that #3 :) All my kids are great but having #3 was the hardest.

Yes your dh should be the one to talk to her.....but you will probably be the one to do the dirty work. Your pregnant hormonal, Yoo are having your 4th....... break all the rules and blame it on being pregnant. It is your house YOU are having the baby YOU get to make the rules.

Enjoy the little one and your parents.

Debra

My mother has suffered from depression since 1989 and I know first hand the affects this has on everyone near and dear. I think its very kind of you to want to take care of her, but you have enough to deal with when you get home. Don't feel guilty telling her no. Maybe see if there is someone else that can help her.I think its selfish of her to even ask you to take care of her during this very emotionally and physically draining time. If your husband won't talk to her for you then put on your most sweetest voice and very politely tell her your not up to it.

I am in the same boat as you and I just have to say---You are the mommy and you have to stand up for yourself. She has sorta given you no other choice than to get her feelings hurt and I think you are more worried about hurting her than she is about hurting you. Right now--you and your family have to come first. I finally put my foot down with my over bearing mother in law and it's the best thing I ever did bc now she would walk to the moon to keep from upsetting me. We went thru alot to get to that point, but now I am glad I stopped her when I did! I am 26 wks pregnant with my 3rd and she has already told me she will "step back" and be there when I need her rather than being in the middle of my business like she used to be. Take care of YOU! Good Luck and congrats on the new one!

I am sorry that you are going throught this. Don't hesistate to tell her how long she can stay. Be tatctful, but firm. That being said. It is your husband's job to speak to his mother. His loyalty should lie with you not his mother. May God give you strength and the right words to communicate your feelings to your mother-in-law.

No you are not being too hard. You must do what is right for your husband and children. If your husband agrees with you, he should be the one to tell her!!! I think that a week is way more than generous! I can't do this with my mother-in-law but could you offer to pay for a motel near your house for a few days? You have enough on your plate! I have an open and honest relationship with my mother-in-law but when it is a really sticky issue I ask my husband to handle it because it's just too draining. As a man, it's much easier for him to get to the point anyways (just make sure that you don't hurt his feelings).

I have had similar issues with my MIL. She ended up having a thyroid problem (Graves Disease) and that was causing her to act that way. If I were you, I would tell your husband to talk to her about the 1 week. Tell him to tell her it is 1 week or not at all. In my family, it is the person directly related to the person with issues, that does the "confronting". He doesn't have to be mean to her, but his ultimate responsibility is to make you happy, then his kids. He has left his mother and father to be a husband and a dad. He needs to step up and help you out. You don't need to be under too much stress right now. Good luck, hun.

You really need to get this out in the open, this isn't a burden you need to bear. I recommend making a list of things/behaviors you find unacceptable. Call a family meeting (the list will serve as a reminder to you so you don't get off track) and make sure your husband not only backs you up but participates, it is his mom and he should have nipped it in the bud before it came to this. Write out some "rules" on a piece of paper in the middle of the table such as 'Speak calmly, no yelling' 'Do not be disrepectful to anyone, no blaming, no name calling' etc and calmly and respectfully explain to her what you would like to see happen when the baby comes and even later (in the future). This is your one chance to get it all out in the open. I did this with my family b/c they kept crossing my boundaries (walking into my house unannounced, dropping by anytime of day or night, etc). I won't lie, the meeting was really hard, we all cried at some point, everyone got their feelings hurt but we all had a chance to get it out there and be heard. It worked very well, I wouldn't have changed a thing and I am so glad we did what we did. This is your life, you and your husband need to take charge. Good luck.

I am a mother of grown children and would never expect to spend 2 weeks w/ my son & daughter-in-law after the birth of their 4th child! And especially if I were not in my best physical condition in order to be of a lot of help. After all, that's the purpose of a mom coming to stay with her son or daughter after the birth of a child - to help! Not to be waited on, not to sit around and hold the baby, not to get to play Nana 24/7. This woman has issues that go far beyond your ability to help... she is lonely, even if she lives with a husband, possibly clinically depressed, and expects others to manufacture her happiness. Your husband is responsible for having a calm, but firm conversation with her to inform her your wishes are carved in stone. Her reaction belongs to no one but HER! Perhaps your husband may have to tell her in the same conversation (or suggest to her they have a deeper conversation at a later date)that he is concerned about her happiness, health, and well-being and feels she should see someone who could help her become responsible for her own happiness, more independent, etc. Co-dependents Annonymous may be an appropriate resource for her, as she sounds very much the "clinging vine" type. I wish you and your family well through this happy but stressful time; and, you & husband must realize you deserve the time w/ your dad w/o MIL there. Good luck, M. Pittman

I think that one week is very reasonable. Your husband should be more help when it comes to dealing with his mom. He's really the one who should tell her these things and explain why. He probably should suggest that she see someone to evaluate her for depression as well, and it is more common in older people that most people realize.

Hi T. first of all I feel your pain. My mil is a real headache but I love her she just has her own problems. I do not think that one week is a bad thing. Ya'll need to time to settle down and everything and if there are a lot of people there then you wont. Just try to break it to her nicely that you want your family to bond or something along your lines. As far as her attacking you I've learned that the best response is... I've talked to my pediatrician and we agree everything is fine. If she keeps on just say thank you for your opinion I'll take it into consideration but put a stop to it right there by changing the subject. On my MIL it usually is best if we change the subject to her. I hope this helps good luck with the new baby and remember this is your time and no one should make you cry!

Hi T.,
I have been in your shoes with my mother in law as well. Tell her one week--take care of yourself. She will not endure any trouble with this, and if she gets upset, so be it. It is your decision. (and hubby's) If you don't set limits now, you will be even more upset, and you do not need to stress your body--especially after having a baby. You also do not need to have it come between you and your hubby. Make sure you both are on the same page. Good luck, and just remember that this is YOUR child and YOUR body and that is your focus.

I also went through something similar to your problem and the only way to "kick it in the bud" is to come right out and tell your mother-in-law what, how, when, and why you are doing things YOUR way and only your way. When you tell her; be courtous, gracious, loving, and caring; but BE IN CONTROL!

You have to "keep to your guns" in all of your decisions and not worry about whose feelings you will hurt; they will get over it in time. If you don't take care of your mother-in-law's problem now; it will get worse and worse later on down the road and your older children will also suffer and see things that are not good for them in your relationships. Yes, your mother-in-law will probably get angry; but she will get over it in time. You are the mom. You indicate when and what your children do.

You and/or your husband should also talk to your mother-in-law's family doctor and get him/her to prescribe that she see a psychiatrist. She sounds like she has "clinical depression" and it CAN be treated with medication.....I know....my husband has it and is a GREAT person; but she must get help now.

Remember, your husband has GOT to stand by you in all this also; and not worry about "hurting his mother's feelings". After I went through this and said things to my mother-in-law that I wish I would have said earlier; my relationship with her became the best there was.

Hope this helps some and good luck.

Personally, I think people ask to much of new mothers. They should leave you along to bond with your new baby and heal before invading you for their own agenda. I think you should be honest with her and let her deal with the consequences. I know it will not be easy. After the birth of #5, I did not let anyone come over for 6 weeks, except for my parents and my sister. I had a hard birth and my son was sick. It took me a long time to bounce back from that c-section and I had 5 kids to care for plus my son did not need to be around other peoples germs for a long while. Some people got their feeling hurt but I figured that taking care of me and my family came first. I had a "friend" that would come over every day and knock on the door. She was determined to see the baby. I just didn't open or answer the door. She was mad for a long while but did eventually get over it. So did everyone else. Just my 4 cents worth. hth

I would just tell her that you completely understand her physical problems and would really rather not have company this time anyway. It would be best for both families if she just waits until you call and invite her. My family don't even come to the hospital, and they live next door! They figure we should have some time to ourselves for a little while. The baby will still be there in a few weeks when you're ready to be a hostess.

Of course she'll understand that you also want to spend some time with your parents who have been out of the country. And if she doesn't, well, you did your best!

Congrats on your new one. word of caution- even the vasectomy can fail! Check out www.quiverfull.com We became QF after conceiving our fourth child (not unwanted, just unplanned!)

Hi T. -

First and foremost you need to do what is best for you and the baby. As you well know (being the mother of 3 already) your hormones are raging after you give birth and you need everything to be calm and as stress free as possible. Caring for a newborn and MIL at the same time is not something to look forward to. ... I'd consider asking her to wait to visit until her knee is better. It will be easier on her as well as you!

I believe that honesty is the best policy and that being open should not hurt your MIL's feelings and she should respect your wishes.

Best of luck and please don't feel bad that you need to put yourself first!

WOW!!! You are one fertile woman...LOL I think you should tell her and basically the same way. You already have A LOT on your plate. The last thing you need is to take care of another person. Someone who in fact should be there to help not to be taken care of. If she is hurt she WILL get over it. Just make sure that you stress how much you and your husband love her and how much yall are looking forward to her visit. Congrats on your ever growing family. FUN FUN. I have 4 and I got my tubes tide. I guess that is all that is left for you to do however from what it sounds like it still wouldnt stop you from Gods plans for your family....LOL You are a baby making machine. Way to go and again congrats.

Nicely tell Mother-in-law that you are sorry that she has hurt her knee and that she is welcome to come visit when she is able for short amounts of time. Let her know that your husband will be helping YOU out during this time and that maybe one of her friends may be able to come visit her and help her out during her injury. If she persists, tell her you are not up to helping her at this time because you have to take care of yourself and your new baby (her GRANDchild). If she doesn't take to that, tell her to make an appointment! haha You have to talk straight to her, but gently. She has to come to grips that she had her family and this one is YOURS.
Good luck, and I wish you luck with your new baby!
Liz

I only read a few responses and have to agree with Vicky...you and your husband decide how long she is welcome and then let him...HIM deal with it. She is HIS mother, not yours. He needs to tell her and deal with the responses/her being upset, etc.

I would tell her that while you are always THRILLED to have her come spend time with the kids, you would hate for her to be physically in pain on your account or for her in any way to feel like a burden on someone who has just given birth - so you and your husband have decided to have her come from ___ to ___, after her knee is better, after you've had a chance to recover, or while while hubby is on vacation, for some decadent Nana time that doesn't hurt either (MIL or you) of you.

If your parents coming comes up - I'd mention the fact that your dad is going to be taking care of the older kids, while your mom takes over your responsibilities (cooking, laundry, etc) and you take care of you (recovering from birth) and the new baby... clearly not something your MIL has in mind.

I'd also have your husband talk to her physician about screening her for depression and hypothyroidism.

S.

OK... so... my advice is...
It sounds like you are going to HAVE to call her and tell her yourself. So, when you call her, bring up your parents coming and how happy you are that she understands and respects your need to see your parents and that you can't wait to see her when she comes to... THEN say how much you appreciate her coming to HELP with the new baby and other kids and how much they enjoy their Nana... and that to HELP HER while she is there, you've written up all the instructions on how to do the laundry and where everything goes. That you are going to freeze casseroles and all she will have to do is heat them up, make a salad and clean up afterwards. That you are thinking of buying paper plates and plasticware so that cleanup will be minimal. That you've got all the kids schedules written out, where they need to be and when, etc... and you so appreciate her helping you. Maybe you need to just make it sound like so much work that she won't want to come for that long... hahaha
And if that doesn't work... TELL HER, you know it is better for US if you only stay a week. I know it hurts your feelings and for that I am sorry. But we have to do what is best for us. I hope in time you will understand and I sure hope this doesn't change your mind about coming. We'd really love to see you. Then - if she acts ugly... it's on her. Clean slate for you!
Sorry, that is the only thing I can think of...
em

T.,

I think you're right about MIL being depressed, she is searching for ways to be "helpful" or "useful," but you're dealing with so much, it really doesn't "help" to be told how to parent. For her to argue about waiting 4 days so you can have time with your parents and your new baby and the other kiddoes, especially given your dad's long absence, is bizarre. That said, your MIL raised your husband, so she must have done some things right. Does your husband see a change in MIL's behavior? It may be that she needs some medical help -- I don't mean this in a negative way, just that something's going on with her (you said it's gotten worse.)

Your husband should suggest a compromise to his mom; she waits 4 days, stays 10 days? (and you should all take a couple days inbetween to recuperate/recharge) Despite the knee, if she can travel, she can do other stuff like laundry, load/unload the dishwasher? change diapers? cook dinner? watch the other kids so you and your husband and baby can have an hour away?

Make a list for MIL. Have your husband tell her about it. See if the knee gets better (she can help more) or worse (she can't travel)

A less confrontational approach: Find some way to honor MIL with the arrival of #4, and make it special. We named our kids after relatives, but there are other ways. This might appease her enough to delay the visit (keep the list, though!)

You're absolutely deserving of a more reasonable visit from MIL. And it should be your decision.

Wishing you a safe and healthy delivery, -- J

I think that you should tell your mother-in-law how you feel and stick to it.You should'nt have to take care of her especially after a baby,babies wear and tear your body down so much you really need your rest.Tell your husband to put his foot down and let his mother know what he's going to have and what he's not going to have and let it be that.I had to put my mother-in-law in her place years ago and right now she really respects me.B. F.

I'm glad to know there is joy after the shock! I'm still in shock but you've given me hope!

I would tell my M-I-L one week. Period. Mine did the same thing after our first (came in the day of instead of a week after like I asked) and then got mad at me because I "hogged" the baby in my room. Learning a new baby, nursing and taking care of home stuff is enough without adding a "boarder" to the mix.

Good luck!!!

As you can see we all have issues with people in our lives.
The main difference seems to be how we react to them.

For me it is my mother mostly.
My m would do similar things with me. I learned to just say no. I sat and waited for her to do things or they just did not get done. The world did not fall apart or stop spinning. But she did get a clue that I was not her puppet. :-D

I also had a few talks with her telling her she had her chance to raise kids and now it is our turn. They are our mistakes to make and while we love hearing advice, we do not need to hear every single thing we are doing wrong or should be doing.

When she confronted me with children in the room, I just said, time to leave. Then I packed up the kids and left. I quit inviting her to my house and told her in no uncertain terms that she was only welcome for x times. But mine lives close enough that she does not NEED to spend the night.

I would suggest you not do things for her at all. Let your dh do it. If she wants anything beyond basic cooking (which you would be doing for your kids anyway) then tell her he will be happy to take care of it when he gets home. If he gripes gently remind him that it is his mom, you just had a baby, and you have other kids to care for also. If you wanted and adult child you would have said so. I think if he is taking care of her, he will eventually get tired of it and speak up.

If that does not work, then I suggest family counseling. He needs to learn to set boundaries with his mom and she needs to learn to respect that. She may never totally accept it, but she will have to learn you won't be bending around her all the time.

He will be frustrated too, but at least you can be frustrated together and you won't be so tired from caring for an extra person.

Good luck

Hi T.,

You have a lot on your plate. It's your husband's mother. Your husband should be the one to talk to his mom. Does your husband handle difficult topics with your parents? You have to think of 'your' family. What is best to reduce stress. No guilt. If her knee is bothering her tell her to come after it feels better. There is too much going on to have to wait on another person. I know these are hard topics but there is nothing wrong with asking her to respect your families wishes.

Does your mother-in-law have e-mail? You and your husband can sit down together to compose a letter, just sign his name at the end.

I hope you find the answer that will work.

I am a grandmother who, because of distance and work has only seen her 8 week old grandaughter for 4 days 6 weeks ago. Your mother-in-law will survive if she doesn't see this new grandbaby for a few weeks. She is not the most important person in this story right now, and you aren't responsible for how she deals with the situation. If you are unable to say no to her, ask you husband. Its his mother. He can and should support you in this and not expect you to care for her and a new baby.

I won't spend much time on it, because others have said the same thing. It's your husband's mother and he needs to be the one to confront her on the after-baby visit. You are the one w/ the new baby, and you will be recovering. What YOU and the baby need comes first. Everyone else can either understand that or get upset and then grow up and get over it. You decide what you need, get your husband's support, and then he can address the issue and establish the boundaries. Then, HE needs to be the one who enforces the boundaries. If your MIL is anything like my MIL, establishing a boundary will do absolutely nothing. It's the enforcing it that is key. My husband had a difficult time with this, and the book "Boundaries" by Henry Cloud and ____Townsend REALLY helped him out. If both you and your husband could read/listen to the book and apply the principles, you will see a dramatic difference in your marriage and relationship w/ his mother. It won't change her at all, but she will either conform to your new boundaries or she will be the only one who is upset. You will learn how to enforce your boundaries and how to deal with anyone who doesn't like them. You can learn how to not be upset by their choice to have their own feelings hurt. It's a fabulous book and it practically saved my marriage. Dealing w/ people w/ no respect for others' boundaries is very tough, but you can learn. It can be a difficult road, but one well worth traveling!

I don't think it's being too harsh at all, especially if your husband agrees w/ u! The two of u need to put your foot down (him especially, since it's his mother) and tell her that u r the parents, and while u appreciate everything she's done for u, she's not the only one who needs to do things for themselves! This is your house, your baby, your family, and your visitors, it should be your way! It's not like you're saying no altogether, so someone needs to tell her that u need some time to be able to take care of yourselves and your own family before u can take care of her as well! And I agree, it sounds like she's suffering from depression (and self-centered-ism) and unless someone gets her some help (and stops doing eveything she wants) she's never going to change her ways. You definitely don't need someone who is depressed and needy around during a time when you're so prone to depression as well! You need to just tell her no and stick to it before u eventually get so stressed and your blood pressure goes up to the point that u just crack and explode- that won't be good for ANYbody, especially that new baby!

Your question seems to boil down to one thing: setting limits. you seem unsure, so you might be taken advantage of.
You want her help, but you don't want her around for a certain amount of time? (I'm curious as to where the four days came from.)
You need boundaries and you need to stand firm on them! And you need to put you and your children's needs first! Too bad for her if she can't comprehend that.

Of course you are not being too harsh. I think a week is plenty. Calmly state things the way you did in your post - that you would love for her to have Nana time, but you also need to consider the needs of other family members, including yourself. Better yet, why not ask her to hold off until her knee is doing better, because the days right after a baby are usually a blur for everybody anyway.

Ideally you will have your husband deal with his mother. He can show her a copy of your post. Yes, there are some things in there that might hurt her feelings, but the tone is not vindictive. There are some things she needs to hear. The truth hurts, but after the pain there is healing.

I would very politely state, "I really appreciate your time and look forward to a visit very soon. However, I would like to have some private time with my immediate family." From there,the problem is hers to deal with as a mature adult or not.

Good luck & congratulations!

I think your hubby needs to talk to her, after all, that is HIS mom. You don't need the extra stress added on your shoulders. Let him deal with his mom and you take care of yourself and your new little one.

Hi T. T,

I wish you the very best in this situation, I guess being that I am a mother-in-law, I have just the opposite effect on my son-in-law. It seems that no matter what I do it is always wrong. If I buy the kids shoes, it is wrong. get the girls ears prieced it wrong, although they had his permission, because I did it instead of their mother it cause conflict. He never wanted me to be at either of my gandkids birth He doesn't like for me to help my daughter get caught up with her house work not even if she has just had a baby not even when she had the twins, and I could go on, but I'm sure you get the picture.Needless to say I have spent the majority of the 17 years they have been married getting my feelings hurt in more ways than one. The last time being 2 years ago when my daughter had her 4th(and hopefully the last)child. Besides her having to drive herself to the hospital(yes he was home) and no she did not call me, the day she came home from the hospital I went over that night to take a gift and some pictures that I had gotten developed, I had been there no more than 10-15 minutes, whenhe walked in and said in passing that I need to leave and that I need to call before I come again. I was crushed and my daughter was in shock, she was totally speechless, all she could say was I'm sorry mama, I'm so mama. I won't elaorate anymore, because it opens up old wounds, and because my new year goal was to try really hard to let go and let God.I don't go to their house any more unless I am asked to , I am just glad that I still get to see my grand kids almost every day , because I do child care and when their mom is at work I keep them. I know I did not answer your question, but I pray for all of your sakes especially the kids that you all work it all out, and come to some type of understanding. Communicate is really a good starting point,but because feelings are tender I would suggest you have a mediater(may be misspelled) that is not partial to either side. Good luck, and may God bless you.

As every grandmother is a mother, every MIL was/is a DIL. Talk to your MIL about her experiences with her MIL. If they were good she got something from them and will understand backing off, if they were bad she will understand the resentment she will be building with you if she acts the same. Your husband (her darling son) should be dealing with this not you btw.

First, I can understand and she should to, your wanting to spend time with your family, given the situation. You have 2 children and one on the way, you NEED all the help you can get........from your HUSBAND. This is the time that you really need to sit down and have a heart to heart with him and ask him to "step up his game" with your MIL. Given the circumstances with visiting family, injuries and new babies, you shouldn't be bothered or stressed. He needs to run all the interference FOR YOU. He should be taking care of his mom (at least her needy emotional stuff, Lord knows you'll be hormonal yourself, you don't need more! LOL). He needs to explain to HIS mom that for kid #3 you are going to need even more support and help. And, that maybe the best help that she can be is with the older children!! Hopefully this will help you out, stress wise, with the new baby.
Congrats on being a new mommy (again), I hope it all works out. Also, God Bless your father for helping deffend our country!