What Is Your Relationship with Your Mother?

M. A,
I could have written your post word for word!! I am in the EXACT same situation and have been struggling with how to include her in my 4 month old baby's life. I would prefer to have no contact with my mother at this point, but I do not want to be the 'evil daughter who does not let her see her grandson'. So I told her that whenever she wants to see the baby she can give me a call and we can work out a little visit. Other than that I have no other communication with her. I am very nice to her when she calls or comes over, but I make it a point to NEVER discuss anything personal or give her fuel to add to her fire. I do not call her or solicit her attention in any way.

I have found that the only way to maintain my own sanity is to limit the interactions I have with her. Really, at this point it has simply come down to self preservation - I need to protect myself from her manic behavior. Its unfortunate and makes me very sad, but its really the only way to be.

Best of luck and if you need to vent you can write to me!

T.

Hi-
Unfortunately, my own mother passed away a few years ago, when my daughter was 3 and my son not even 2, but I have/had a similar situation with my MIL, unfortunately. She IS bipolar, and I did not feel guilty limiting her time with my children at all. Some of the things she said or did were very damaging to their self-esteem, and my husband and I had many talks with her about this. As far as I know, however, she is on medication. Things have improved a little bit here, but she moved 5 hours closer to us about the same time my own mother passed away, and expected to see more of our children. I keep close tabs on the situation when we do get together. DO NOT feel guilty about your feelings. Your most important responsibility is to protect your child, emotionally as well as physically. When your child is old enough, you can explain that grandma has an illness that makes her act differently, or that makes it hard for you to get together. Young children (and older ones for that matter) have a difficult time understanding that someone else's behavior is not their fault, especially when that person is supposed to love them. The other thing is, that children sense when things are tense. You can't make a loving family relationship when there is none there, and do you really want this to be a model of a grandparent/grandchild relationship for your child?

BTW, my children seem to love my dad (who lives 6 hours away) more than my in-laws. They instinctively know that grandpa loves them unconditionally, whereas there are strings attached when it comes to "love" from their other grandparents.....

cut her off....simple. It's like an infection. Sometimes if you allow it, it can affect the healthier parts (i.e your child) I have similar relationship or I should say, "had" with my mother. IF your child is interested in knowing her, she can explore that as an adult when she has all the facts. I think you need to do what's right for you first. Having your child exposed to her issues is not a good thing, on any level. Believe me, I'm a teacher, a parent of a 19 month old and a new baby. I write to my M. from time-to-time but that's it. Send pictures, give updates, but do not allow a relationship. there's no point to it. Just my opinion.

I have a similar messy relationship with my parents, who are alcoholics, and I'd say that being firm but flexible is the best way to go.

When my daughter was little, I had to move in with my parents (who live in California) for financial reasons, but I made it very clear at the outset that I was the boss where raising my daughter was concerned, and they respected that (and my mother recently commented that I was a better M. than she ever was, which was nice to hear). My daughter ended up having a great relationship with them until we moved to Chicago, at which point they basically "opted out" of the whole being-grandparents thing, which was actually OK with me--I didn't really want them around her during her teenage years. They visit occasionally (every couple of years or so), and send holiday gifts, and are coming out for a week this June for my daughter's high school graduation (which will be interesting).

So, I guess what I'm saying is, if you can set your boundaries very clearly early on, it's best not to cut your M. out completely, because that just sets up the kind of power struggle she probably wants/needs/is familiar with. Just be firm, and think before you speak, and be the best M. you know how to be, and watch out for the emotional potholes that can spring up between you and your M.. Your daughter WILL formulate her own opinion (whether you want that or not), so make very sure that her opinion is based on her own experience, not yours. Listen as much as possible if/when your daughter talks about your M., and don't trash-talk your M. if your daughter asks about her. She may surprise you one day, as mine did, by saying something along the lines of "Gramma's kind of selfish. But that's just Gramma." Chances are, if you do your job (i.e., being a M.) right, it won't matter what your M. does, and the things she does that hurt you growing up won't have any affect at all on your daughter.

Hope that helps. Good for you for working with a therapist! Keep seeing him/her if you have a good one, and if you don't, find one. There's nothing more important than parenting, in my opinion...

That is a very complex question but I have a similar situation. I went through a long period with very little contact with my mother. Things have changed alot as she has gotten older however. I think you are right to include her in your life and the life of your child, who may resent you later if you don't give her/her an opportunity to know Grandma, even though you would be doing it in his/her best interest. Just keep your boundries strong for your own emotional health, and be sure you don't leave your child in any situation that you feel uncomfortable with.
Despite my mother's many issues, she was always a wonderful grandmother. Sure, she would give him candy when I said no and that sort of goofy stuff, but she didn't unleash any of her craziness on her grandchild. So go slow and keep a watchful eye is my advice, and good luck. The grandchild/grandparent dynamic is unique, and actually has little to do with parenting, which I think is why it works sometimes.

Hi M. A ;)

This one is in Fishers but this is where I intend to put my daughter....
I heard its very good.

http://www.dancecreations.org/preschool_creative.asp

What does your mother have to offer your daughter. Can she offer her everything a grandma is suppose to? Like memories of making cookies, going shopping, staying at grandmas for the weekend etc.. Or with her condition will she just upset your daughter by upsetting you. It takes alot to me M., just because someone gave birth to you doesn't really mean that she earned the title "M.".
Just something to think about

I wouldn't want to subject my child to anyone with the problems your M. has. Think about how your life has been and the feelings and situations you have had to deal with growing up. Life is tough enough, don't add to the problems.

You never mentioned how old your daughter is. Or if she wants a relationship with your mother.
Dealing with someone that is bi-polar is not easy, worse if they will not allow their loved ones to guide them into getting help for themselves.
There are also many different ways the disease shows itself.
Cutting your mother out of your life and your daughter's life completely may not be the answer for anyone.
An option is that you can carefully explain what your mother is going through to your daughter, what this disease can do to themselves and their family and friends when someone does not get help. Is allowing for very limited and supervised connection with your M. a possibility?
Most of all, with the best intention, go with what works best for you. You can teach your daughter compassion for both you, your mother and strengthen your relationship.

I have been searching the Web trying to find someone else that has similar problems with their Mother. Thank-you for your post it makes me feel like I am not alone, and I am not going crazy. I have a non-existant relationship with my Mother, not from a lack of trying on my part. I was very close to my Grandmother, my Mother's M. and she has past away. My Grandmother wished for a relationship with my Mother too, but passed away wishing it was there but it wasn't. I promised my Grandmother to never give up on my Mother and keep trying to have a relationship with her, but I try and I keep feeling hurt and coming away feeling flat and worse than I did when I don't see her at all. My Mother basically wants a relationship that is there when it's convenient for her. She wants it very surface like and only from a distance and a now and then relationship. She wants me to be their when she needs me, but constantly shoots me down if I ever happen to need support from her, she doesn't want to put herself out at all. I feel that we do not have any sense of closeness, I can't believe she gave birth to me. Especially now that I have two kids, I really find it hard to understand. I love my kids, they are my world, there is nothing more important to me than them. I will always want to be apart of their lives, time is precious. I feel like time is running out, my Mother is 72 years old, and time is just going by. She moved away right after I gave birth to my first daughter. I was strong, I thought no problem I don't need my M., I can take care of this baby all by myself. I sure realised that you do need family support, for those times you have had no sleep for days on end, or when you are sick and still trying to look after a baby. My Mother knew this, she had four kids, and my Grandmother was always there helping her. I feel such a loss with my relationship with my Mother. My Husband thinks I am expecting something that is just not there and will never be there, so I am always setting myself up for dissapointment. I don't know what to do, my heart hurts so much.