Im the Black Sheep and My Kids Are Paying

I'd recommend that you and Sydney see a therapist experienced in helping children. I know this may cost a little, but you need the advice of a professional to work out what's best. Maybe Nana can be pulled in to see the therapist down the road if you decide to reunite her with Sydney. You can check your local community mental health center. Some communities have a family guidance clinic too. Don't know if the kids' dad has an employee assistance program where he works, but they can give excellent help and refer you somewhere else if needed. Don't know where you live. Your pedicatrican may be able to recommend someone, or your health insurance carrier. This may be covered under health insurance for Sydney, even though it's more of a family issue. They could bill under her name since it's her that you're concerned about. Meantime, I'd listen to her a lot and comfort her and tell her you only want to do what's best for her. I agree - your mom has some major mental health issues that she isn't getting help for and, until she does, she won't change.

My God, I feel so sorry for you and your family, having to go through that with your mother. I don't think you're doing anything wrong. You're in a situation where you have to do what you think is best for you and your family and your mother's selfish behavior should not be condoned. She should be happy that she has three beautiful blessings from you and should not let her relationship with them be muddied by the feelings she may have for you or your husband. They didn't do anything wrong!

Sydney very well may be affected by this because she thinks that the separation from her grandmother may be somehow her fault. I'm glad you've tried to assure her that it isn't her fault. Human relationships are hard to understand, and she may not fully understand what happened until she gets older. You may want to seek a third party to have her talk to, like a psychiatrist, or minister, or a close friend.

I hope things work out between you and your extended family. But in the interim, you must take care of your own!

I think you have done the right thing. Turning the other cheek and making up will not help anyone. Your mother is toxic and while she may love Syn and be a positive person to her, she is going to be negative to your other children. If this was just about you, it would be different but you have 2 other children who must be protected from her. Please continue to do what you are. One day, Syn (and the other two) will be old enough to have an independant relationship with her and they will see how she is and what you were doing. You made the right decision for your family.

M. i hate that you are going through that but you are doing the right thing! and it takes wisdom & courage to stand up to the women who was ordained to love you unconditionally. Your daughter (children) will see the sacrifice you have made when they mature, until then stay strong and continue to eliminate the people who steals your peace.

HI M., that is so hard! I, however, would not allow my children to spend time with anyone who thinks they are trash. It does sound like she has a mental illness. Someone suggested loving her through it and forgiving her. I think that's a good idea when she agrees to get treatment. I wouldn't put my kids on the chopping block until she seeks some help. If she's putting ideas in your oldest's head that are harmful ie. wanting her to hate her parents. Then those might not be the only harmful ideas she's telling her. I know she's hurt but it's your job to protect her from people who don't have her best interests in mind. Planting seeds of discension in a family is NOT in her best interests. It's just so sad to think that the one doing this is your own mother. Sorry you're going through this. Maybe some counseling for your kids is in order. and yourself as well. This has to be horrible for you. See someone who specializes in family problems like this. It can't hurt.

M.,
I feel for your situation. When I read your story I was wondering how your other kids feel when their sibling is getting so much good attention from their Grandma and they are not!! Your Mother is not being fair to you, your husband or any of your children by favoring one member of your family, I'm thinking that might hurt your other two kids self-esteem. Your daughter might be heartbroken now, but it sounds like your not sure if your mom's presence in your daughter's life would be good for her anyway. Trust your intuition. Maybe give your mom a choice, then she's making the decision. . . .She either treats everyone with the same respect, or she can't be a part of your lives.
Hope that helps:)

N.

Good morning M.. Thank you for setting boundaries for yourself and your family!!! You don't need to justify yourself. No!!!! You should not allow only one of your children to go see gramma, if gramma cannot or will not see or accept the other children! I understand your heartbreak over you child, but realize that if you allow this, there will be repercussions down the road. Sydney can say that what gramma says wont affect her and she won't believe it, but you have prior experience with how presuasive she can be. Hopefully, some day, when she's a mom, she will understand this. As a step-mom and step- gramma,(which I don't lay claim to, they are all mine!), I treat all of my kids with respect and love. They all know I love them and support them. I let them know that I love them. They all know I love them and for different reasons. There is not one who is loved more or less than the others. It was hugely damaging when my biological mother showed and told me that my sister was the golden child and I could do nothing right. When there was a huge difference in the ways we were treated. That was an immature response on her part held against a child that wasn't the cause of the problem. I had to forgive her, so I could move on with my life. It wasn't easy, as there was no way to confront her. She is in a nursing home and has been since I was 12. She has no real capacities, and cannot talk. I'll be praying for you, and your family. L. S.

M.;

I too, can completely understand your situation as I also have lived it. It is sort of nice to know you are not alone in this world as those that live with someone with Bi-Polar do not always understand the extremity of the situations one can live in.

I had a five year rift with my own mother and I am still not very close with her. I do not speak with anyone on her side for other reasons. This brought big bags of guilt when I lost my great-grand mother and then my grandmother as I was close to them. (I also do not speak with my natural father - he was given three chances - one more recently, which he completely blew!)

Now, I have a son that will be four years old. It is hard as he does recall visits with "Grandma and the horses". (My son has a memory that I would LOVE to have!). My husband could care less for my mom and her side of the family. This does make it difficult, but in all honesty he does at least tolerate my mother.

As someone that experienced much of something that is rather similar to you; I can only recommend forgiveness. If your mother is truly bi-polar, she cannot help her disease. If you know she is sick, then yes - this is a reason, but you also understand that something is making her this way.

Explain the situation in a loving way to your children. My step-father shielded my younger brothers from my mom's erratic behavior, but how can you hide the fact that your mom is holding your father at gun-point? Or the crazy mood swings? This is something that needs understanding before it damages your children's emotions to any degree so that they understand. It took me years to realize what was going on until I learned the diagnosis. Not that this makes it better, but it does make it easier to deal with. You at least understand it is not you!

Again - it is not you. It is not your husband or your other children. Your mom is the one with the issue and needs the love and the support right now. As hard as this is, that is what is going on and she may be getting this from your other daughter (Sydney) and she may just see something healing in her. Your daughter needs her, too. She may also be able to 'pave the way' if you are open enough with your children on this matter.

Best of luck!

Hi M. -
My heart goes out to you as this is surely a hard situation to deal with. As hard as it may be, I would forgive and try again. It'll be tough, but just go over without the kids and talk to your mom to explain how things will be. Set the grounds. That you'll come over, but that you will not tolerate her treating anyone different or showing favorites, or whatever you deem important. Set boundries. If she does not comply, remind her of your request and tell her you'll try again another time and then leave. Boundries help to create healthy relationships. Eventually she'll understand. Sadly if this doesn't work, it's also not healthy to keep subjecting yourself or your family to such treatment. Is she taking medication for her disease? My MIL also is bipolar, but refuses to take anything. It's been easier on all of us, esp. my husband to temporarily move away, get a healthy perspective of what's right, and realize that it isn't personal, it's just how she is. I pray everyday for understanding. Good luck.