What Do You Say to Someone Who..

How about just asking her to please not make those kinds of comments around you. My ex-bro-in-law had issues with stereotypes of certain people and after the 3rd or 4th time of him saying them in front of me I simply said "That's rude and wrong and please do not make those kinds of statements around me anymore."

It didn't change his opinions ... but he quit making them around me.

I'd just simply ask her why she feels the need to comment everytime she sees someone overweight. I don't mean by saying it nastily. I'd really want to know.

IF it were me I would say "Now that's not very nice." Not in a mean voice really but just light hearted. EVery time she does it say something to that effect. Hopefully she will soon realize that you are not going to fat-bash with her.

I am a fat person, and bless you for asking. I have struggled my entire life. I am doing well now, but I have been in that super morbidly obese category and I have used a scooter when I was not doing well. I knew why I was in that scooter, and maybe it is just sitting down there, but you have probably figured out that we hear those comments, and we know that she intends for us to hear them because otherwise there would be no point in her saying anything; it is not an accidental slippage of her thoughts that just happened to escape her lips; using that wisper tone takes intent. Saying it under her breath, that is a cop out she uses to pretend that she did not hurt another human being. I am sure that you understand that, or it would not bother you that we might think you also think like she does, or that you think that there is any excuse for voicing something that has no other value than to hurt another of God's Children.

If you are a real friend, then be honest with her. Tell her that you are disapointed that such a terrific person does something that is so mean, and that you expect more of her than that. Nothing is worse than having someone you care about be disapointed in you.

You might also tell her that she is really hurting herself. I can fix my issue. There will come a time when she might not be able to fix hers. I heard a homily once from a priest who asked us what would happen to us personally if Christ came again as the kind of person we judged wrongly? What if he hung out with the worst in society? Would we be able to pick him out of a crowd? If this is something you find helpful, you might ask her, what if Christ was walking with the person in the scooter? Would she want to say something "under her breath" then? How would she know? I don't know if that helps you, or if this is relevant, and I don't mean to start any religous debates; I respect all people and thier choices, but this homily resinated wtih me, and I often ask my children this question to get my point into thier heads when they are doing something that they know is nasty but are justifying it for one reason or another.

I hope you can help her. Incedentally, though I am not in a scooter now, and I am fit and eat well, I am not a small person. I am a smaller person, I am healthy, and I am active, but your friend might see me and still comment. We are all worthy. She may not have any idea what a success story looks like...it might still be ugly to her. Please let her know that.

M.

@Mum4ever: Give your son a hug and kiss. What a gem.

My husband does this or used to. Not only obese people but any acquaintance, waitress at favorite restaurant, business contact that put on a few pounds - not even close to obese. After years of being annoyed by it and saying 'Stop it' or "don't say that", I finally said "have you ever wondered why you are so troubled about other people's weight? It's like you have a different form of anorexia. An individual with anorexia looks in the mirror and sees something different than the actual image. You look at others and see something completely different than what I see. I see a woman that is maturing nicely and has had 2 kids since we first met her and seems so happy and you see only that she's gained 20 lbs. It's a weird obession." After a few times of that, where all I had to say after awhile was "wow, you're doing it again. Let me tell you what I see" , he finally stopped doing it.

Maybe you could speak up before she has a chance and say something like, "I really feel for people who must struggle as this person seems to." If she makes a comment about them bringing it on themselves or anything of that nature I would just remind her that compassion doesn't require justification and neither do the people who are in need of it. Remind her, "You are such a great person, so I am sure you understand that."

Have you ever said something like:

"Mary, I really have issue with your comments about overweight people...we don't know them, and it's really not kind to judge? I have heard it said that weight is the ONLY acceptable form of prejudice left in this world, and I'd sure like to see it end."

Perhaps this situation requires a more direct confrontation to make your point?

argh! i can't stand when people discriminate like that. i wonder if it is coming from her own insecurities. is she obsessed with her own body? well, i guess that's her issue...

but it's not just about her. she's embarrassing you. if i were you, i would tell her, just like that. "that's embarrassing. i can't make you be a more tolerant, polite or respectful person, but when you are with me, would you please refrain from the fat comments? i personally don't judge people on their appearance, and your behavior reflects poorly on me as well as on you."

good luck! and i'm glad you wrote about this. it's important.

I think this person has a very insecure personality. She's probably afraid of being over weight and in her mind somewhere she might think she is. Ask her why she does it, point blank, and then explain you are judging these people on their appearance, not on their character and your character should be the one being judge, not their appearance.

Most people who talk about fat people are scared of being or becoming overweight themselves. Nothing you say will make her stop, and if you say anything to her, she will probably get mad at you. Unfortunately I think you're in a lose-lose here. Whether you should say something or not depends on how important it is to you.

I also want to say, as a woman of SIZE (5'4", 318 pounds), thank you for standing up for the super-size population and pointing that out. People like that are atrocities and that type of discrimination is no less harmful than racism. You are a good person, so thank you and be proud of that. ;)

I don't think you can do or say anything that will cause her to be introspective about why she does that. Seriously.
But maybe you could respond to her comments with something that might get her to think about what she is saying and refrain in the future...

"Until you've walked a mile in their shoes...."
"You never know... they might have a serious health problem.."
"It's a shame their parents didn't teach them better habits..."
"Maybe they are coping with something else that is a bigger issue..."

etc.
Just a thought...

Since you are very close to this woman, let her know that you don't appreciate her comments. But only let her know when it happens - don't call her up to discuss it - wait until it happens next so you discuss it in the moment when it's actually happening. For example, the next time you are out with her and she makes a rude comment about an obese person, say, "Come on, Jane (whatever her name is), enough with your obese comments. I've been noticing lately that when we go out, you often make not so nice comments about obese people and it is starting to bother me. They know they have an eating problem - everyone who sees them knows it, and it is not necessary to make comments about them. When I see them, I feel sad about their eating disorder and would appreciate it if you would please stop negatively commenting about them." Okay, that was really long, but you get the picture! Just take what I wrote and shorten it! Good luck. p.s. If all else fails, don't hang out w/ her anymore.

I think by now I would just out right ask her where is that coming from? It something brothers her she should be spending more time getting to know someone and why they are the way they are and then find ways to help them. Some people need support to change and it is possible everyone around them has given up.

What is her (your relative's) occupation? Maybe there is someone that she has to spend so much time around that is overweight and is really mad at them for something and is taking it out of all others who are similar.

Everyone has a bit of everything in thier family or circle of friends. I would try getting her to empathise. Think of someone she loves that's overweight. Next time ask her, now how would you feel if someone said that about_______. Or How would __________ feel if she heard you say that? Or you can take it personally and tell her, You know I've had my weight struggles and that really gets to me when you say those things. (Or my mom, other friend, sister have) At least then she would know it's not cool to do it in your presence. Even if she doesn't respect them or have empathy for them, she HAS to have enough respect for you not to do that.

Ugh, my husband does this to some degree. The kicker is that a lot of our friends are overweight (like the majority of america) He says he has a phobia. I told him hes just scared of NOT being a jerk.

If i were you id be very blunt about your opinion on their behavior.

I'd ask her when SHE'S going to sign her "super model" contract!

My MIL is one to comment negatively on EVERYONE she sees. Overweight people, people with fashion she doesn't like, people with hair she doesn't like, people in cars that are run down. The woman makes fun of EVERYONE. One time when she was staying with us, my daughter-3 at the time- said, "Oh, that lady's hair looks TERRIBLE" about someone, trying to impress her grandma.

I freakin yelled at my MIL right then and there. I said, "Look, I do not want my daughter to think it is OK to say mean things about people, because it isn't. PLEASE try to stop yourself from doing it around my kids." I then turned to my daughter and STERNLY (with anger which is unheard of for me) said, "It is NOT kind to say mean things like that, I know your grandma does it, but if I hear you do it again, there will be a big consequence for you."
Of course my daughter was in tears and it was probably the worst she's even been yelled at in her life. I admit it was directed at my MIL which isn't fair, but in all honesty, my daughter has never done it again and my MIL curbed it.

She couldn't debate it, because she heard my daughter say it, and I was so mad, she didn't dare plow over me (which she would have if I just approached her all nicely at a different time) so in a way, it worked in my favor to make it about my kids.

Maybe you could say, "I notice you always comment on overweight people, I just want to warn you not to do it around my kids because I don't want them to learn it."
Or something. It's really hard though. People like that think they are right and don't think you are offended. I had a rude friend who used to shoot people down. Luckily we're not friends anymore. It literally "hurts" whenever I hear those jabs about other people.

Just had a thought, could you find a "fat" suit for her to try on and go out in it. Maybe she could/would feel what other people think and it would put the shoe on the other foot so to speak. Until she walks in their footsteps she may never understand how large people feel. Otherwise the only thing you can do is to bring it up nicely but firmly.

Good luck with your relative. If nothing else you could begin to spend less time with them so that you do not have to listen to the comments as much.

The other S.

My mom does this sometimes too, she can be pretty judgemental. I usually just tell her to lay off and that she doesn't know story. Everyone has a reason for how they look or how they act, good, bad, or indifferent, and for some it can change day to day! Haha! I know she's still thinking things but at least I don't have to hear it! ;)

Yeah, you just let her know flat out that it is not acceptable and bring it to someone else because you do not want to hear it.

I don't know why people do this, but it IS mean.
I work with two amazing and beautiful women who happen to be very large.
They tease me about being skinny, but it's all in fun, and I have to say I'd probably feel like taking somebody down for saying anything to or about either one of them because of their size.
They are intelligent, generous and beautiful women. They are immaculate in their dress and hairstyles, manicures. They welcomed me with open arms the very first day I met them.
I don't judge people by what size they are anymore than I judge people by what kind of car they drive. Neither has anything to do with the type of person they are.
We had a neighbor who was as wide as he was tall and my son and I absolutely ADORED him. The only thing bigger than his size was the capacity of his heart. He is literally one of the kindest people I have ever known.
Next time your relative says something, maybe just say, "Can I ask you an honest question? I don't mean any offense, but why do you do that? Do you think it's funny? Does it make you feel better about yourself in some way? I really am just wondering."
I wonder what she'd say or even if she knows why she does it.
It will be interesting to see your responses.

Best wishes.

Whenever someone makes a comment about a person with a condition (self-caused or not) that I wouldn't want, I say "There but by the grace of God go I." That normally shuts them up : )

Be glad, I guess, that the comments are under the breath and not out loud where the other person can hear them.....

She may not consider herself rude: "They can't hear me, what does it matter?" might be the attitude. That's tough to work with. But this is someone you otherwise like to be around, right? I like the idea of gently saying, next time this happens, almost under your breath like her but so she hears it, "Sometimes people have other health issues we can't know about. I think I'd rather give them the benefit of the doubt -- wouldn't you?" That puts her on the spot but without being confrontational.

It's the same idea as folks who rail about people getting out of a car in a handicapped space and walking, seemingly just fine, into a store. That person who parked the car might seem healthy, but could have a heart condition or breathing problems or other issues that mean he or she really does need to be in the handicapped space and have the shorter walk - we can't tell by looking. That might be an example to bring up with her. Does she also get angry when she sees that? Does she think about how that person may have things going on that don't show?

It's possible she just thinks anyone obese is just lazy and could be slim if they wanted. Not necessarily so.

My experience has been that people often point out a flaw that is his/her own worst fear. Case in point: I know someone who has an eating disorder. She's had periods of anorexia and bulimia. She also ALWAYS says something about a person's weight. I've realized she's really talking to herself. She hates her own body.

I think you should be direct with her this time and tell her flat out that her comments are, rude, mean, unnecessary and immature. Also, tell her that if she feels she must behave in that manner you will no longer go places with her. ( She's setting you guys up for a fight or worse.)
I DON'T think you should do as April H suggested and go up to a stranger and tell them you think they are amazing. That's more of an insult than your friend's rude comment. SMH
Best wishes.

The next time your relative mumbles rude comments, I urge you to go up to the person she is referring to with your relative close by & say to them " I just wanted to let you know that we think that you must really be an amazing person and just had to tell you that!" and look at your friends face. And later when you walk away say "I just love being with you and from now on, when you make rude comments about another person which are uncalled for, I will do whatever it takes to make that person your commenting about feel better about themselves, as we all need a little encouragement" & Thank her for helping you understand what God wants you to do. I think this may turn a never ending situation around for the both of you! Best wishes!