Warped Sence of Development

My middle son (now 3) has always had an incredible sense of vocabulary. He was speaking in full sentences at 2 (like 2y 2m). He is now 3 and he (according to his preschool teacher) has the best vocabulary of anyone in the class. He was born with a complex congenital heart defect and had delays in fine and gross motor skills. I think that allowed his vocabulary to develop sooner. He'll easily use 10-12 word sentences: "Mommy, Can we go to Costco and get some more Cheese-Its?" He also uses words like "Actually", "Definitely Not", and "Probably" correctly and frequently. I have 2 other boys (6 and 1) and they are more average with their peers. My 6 year old was speech delayed and was in speech for a year. He is totally caught up now!

My older child had a crazy huge vocabulary at a very early age (as in, paragraphs by about 15 months, clear as day). I thought that was normal (not having been around very many children that age) until our second child was born. You couldn't understand a word she said until she was about 3! I felt like I had done something wrong. She could solve jigsaw puzzles that were 100 pieces by the time she was 2, but couldn't speak and be understood! My older daughter could speak clearly and well, but she NEVER could have sat still long enough to do a jigsaw puzzle. At that point I realized that each child is different. They all have something they do well. Some kids have a sweet and helpful personality, some kids are mechanically inclined, some kids are good at sports, some kids are gifted in language arts, some kids are wildly creative. And none of them will be good at doing EVERYTHING! We all have strengths and weaknesses, and as parents it's hard to keep in perspective sometimes that children are the same way. It's especially hard not to compare siblings to one another, I find!

Each child is different and it is very important for everyone's mental health to remember that. My son did not speak much at all. Then when he did speak, it came out in sentences. (I don't recall his age because he is 12 now). When he was in day care the teachers took us aside and let us know that they thought he might have a social integration problem (they did not say autism, but I think that is where they were headed) because he preferred to play by himself and he seemed to be really focused on certain things.....We were shocked for about five minutes and then realized that this was just who he was. He is still the kind of person that can be totally oblivious to the world when he is interested in something. In fact, I think he is just more of an introvert, as am I.

When he was an infant he never crawled, and other moms told me that he would have reading issues...then he learned to read at four, and other moms would freak out and either ask me what program I was using because they felt like they should be doing the same thing or would slyly accuse me of "forcing him" to learn too young. Seriously, sometimes I thought I was in this weird trap of the competitive moms. I would either try to downplay what he did because sometimes they would talk in front of their kids in a not-so-nice way about their own kids OR they would somehow be criticizing my parenting skills in a cryptic way. The truth is, with reading, that he liked being read to and we are both teachers so we are always reading and he wanted to be like us. Our second son was completely different. He loved music, so he was banging on drums and listening to music instead of focusing so much on books. He didn't learn to read until first grade.

I am rambling, but what I want to say is that moms talk about their kids in ways that can be so unpleasant....as in everything is a reference to some imaginary competition that only they know the rules for. I am sorry I am not answering your question well. I wanted to answer it because I can really relate to it. There is one mom that I particularly struggle with as are boys are friends and she says these really unkind, frenemy kinds of things, but they are totally about pitting her son against my son. It makes be unbelievably pissed. But I don't every say anything because, well, I don't want to be like that. Focus on your son, who is exactly that, a wonderful, unique child, just like all of our kids. I think you are already doing that because of how you talk about your son, but I know what it feels like when you just want a bit of reassurance...which I totally, totally can relate to.

My child (recently 4) speaks very well and has a vocabulary like none other! Yesterday she was "building the Eifle tower with cylinders". BUT, she has NO interest in learning to write her name. She gets the A-U-B, but then freaks out about the rest. She is very physical, but has a hard time using scissors. Every child is different. Yes, we brag about the awesome things that our kids are able to do and don't about the things that they struggle with.

That 3 year old may speak like a 5 year old, but can he/she ride a bike or play hopscotch as well as a speech delayed child? Many kids gain their skills in one area first, either speech or physical. Both of mine were leaps and bounds above most kids their age physical wise, but neither really talked at all before age two. So long as they are hitting their milestones in a healthy range, it's okay for them to develop a wee later than their peers.

So, try and keep that in perspective. Also, one thing I notice about bragging moms, is they usually always have to talk about themselves/their kids/their careers/their family drama... not really good with conversing or caring about other people or things, generally speaking of course.

There is a "typical" level that kids should be at in terms of development at a certain age, in all developmental areas. People may not know if your child has any sort of delays or disabilities. Parents do compare, it's just something that we do. When you have tiny tots your kids' ages, you compare stuff like their speech and if they can write their name. At my daughter's age, we compare SAT/ACT scores and what colleges will accept our kids. At 3, yes, my kids spoke in real sentences and had entire conversations.

I really wish momma's would stop having the "is your kid doing this" or "is this normal" conversations. In fact, last week, after a playgroup, I was so disgusted by it all. Each kid develops differently, and most delays disappear by age 7 or 8.

We have become this measurement obsessed culture that I fear is going to be harmful to our children. Each kid is interested in different things, so each kid is going to have strengths and weaknesses, it doesn't matter if they are delayed or not. And skills vary drastically by age.

I've been working on ways to not play the "comparison" game. I hate it, and want no part of it.

With that said, I understand completely what you are saying. I am really not sure what "being on track" means because both of my kids are extremely verbal, with great gross motor skills.

I honestly try to just focus on each kid, since each kid is very different.

Your question is a complicated one because there are so many issues at hand. When they look at typical development and "on track" there is a range that one would expect. This has been tested and studied. But, no child is "on track" for everything. My son is almost 4 and he did have a speech delay that he got therapy for. Now, he speaks beautifully and has since he turned 3. There has in recent years been a pedulum swing, especially in states like NJ to cast a very wide net and scritinize every aspect of devopment so no child "falls in the cracks". But, with that comes neurosis and anxiety for many parents who wonder if their child is "ok". Meanwhile, in many areas. there still outdated ideas like "Cousin Earl didn't speak a word till he was 5 and now he's a doctor!" and "We all turned out fine!". And in those areas you have kids who really needed help who grow up to have serious issues that may have been helped with a little therapy when they were younger. What I am saying is that I am hoping that we can someone meet in the middle and educate people without freaking them out.

i agree with others that each child is difernent. By 2 my daughter could speak in paragraphs and talk to adults and have conversations and do math in her head BUT she could not socialize with kids well and was very sensitive and whined and cried more than the typical kid, and litterally was attached to M....I couldn't even go to the bathroom. NOW she is right with the rest of her class. Above in some areas and behind in some areas. I think each kid develops diferently and for the most part eventually they all catch up and are on a pretty level playing field. Its the same as adults, some of us can do amazing things with writing and some of us are amazing with numbers, or socializing. We each have our own skills and as parents ...sure we brag about the skills our kids are good at...and if you;re close to us we complain about the struggles our kids have in some areas as well. Sure I don't tell a stranger that my daughters incessent pouting makes M. want to send her to pout bootcamp but sure I let her show off her math skills that shes proud of to them.

I think the "keeping track" is good for keeping on top of the areas your kids need help with. If doctors said "ohhh don't worry he might talk by 5" then there wouldn't be early intervention programs. I thik as moms we should stop pushing kids..but its human nature to want the best for your child

I don't know if this answers your question, but maybe it will shed a little light. I have two kids - one is very verbally advanced, one is not. The one who is very verbally advanced turned three at the end of October and for her to say the sentence you used as an example (Mommy, I need a crayon to color please) is very typical. She speaks in full and complete sentences each and every day. She has occasional three-year-old meltdowns, but aside from that she's always very verbal and very polite. I'm just saying this to give you the whole picture.

I have a very good friend who's son is a few months older than my daughter and he is speech delayed, so the difference between their verbal skills is very evident. I find it uncomfortable because sometimes I want to share something my daughter said or did that I found really cute, but I feel like it comes off as bragging. I don't mean it to be bragging - I truly just want to share the joy of parenting, just like I enjoy hearing about her son's accomplishments - but it's uncomfortable none-the-less.

I blame our culture - we're so caught up in measuring success in a very black and white way.

I had to read your post a few times but have to say I know what you're feeling/saying. I have a 5 year old boy and a 2 year old girl. My 5 year old boy has 'developmental delays.' I have come to accept this however I have a hard time listening to coworkers talk about their kids and saying what their child cannot do and it's a problem.......I, on the inside, start yelling "you think THAT is a problem!!!!!!" Most days I let it roll off my back but there have been times (mostly before I started going to counseling) where I had to go into the bathroom and compose myself because I was going to start crying......

My son is very smart academically but the behavior issues that come with high functioning autism and possible ADHD put a toll on me - "normal" is very much different for me than it is for others......when they complain that their child is a 'handful' (and when I hear what 'handful' means to them) I want to say "wow, maybe you should walk a half mile in my shoes."

That being said, I have recently caught myself thinking these things and think it is wrong for me to brush off their concerns as they are true concerns for them. What is difficult for them as parents may be easy for me but who am I to decide a persons stress threshhold.....

I am starting to go way off in another direction from your post......but to address it - I hate the 'my child is doing this how about yours' conversations........I've gotten better at handling them over the past couple of years.