Unsure If I Should Ask or Let It Go

I think it's very important that you deal with this issue. It will haunt you until you do. I suggest that you first discuss it with your counselor by yourself so that you can synthesize what you want to say to your husband. You want to make the issue specific to your feelings. I'd start with your feelings as they relate to your husband.

Your feelings about his friend and women who do this may change once you know how your husband deals with you and your feelings over this issue.

For me the bottom line is how my husband responded to the "friend's" suggestion. Did he meet the woman's friend? What is his rationalization for doing so. But then I'm a firm believer, based on my own unhappy experiences as well as seeing the violence and just plain pain that happens when a married but yet not divorced person becomes involved with another woman/man, that no one should start dating until their divorce is final.

As to your second question about it being normal: There is no such thing as normal. Everybody is different. Yes, there are women who would offer to do a set up as you describe. Because she didn't know you she doesn't have any sense of loyalty to you but does to your husband. The fact that he's already cheated makes it more likely to happen. He's shown that he's available and he says he's getting a divorce. He doesn't have to have said anything about you. "Everybody" cheats these days. Today it seems that most people start dating once they decide to get a divorce if they haven't already. I've been single most of my adult life and learned that I had to be really careful because it has been my experience that more men cheat than those who don't. I hope that faithfulness is more common in a larger world than the one I live in. (I'm a retired police officer.)

To cheat was your husband's choice. No matter how horrible you might be he still had a choice and he chose to cheat rather than deal with whatever was making the opportunity attractive. I worked with an officer whose wife was an alcoholic and frequently called the office to check up on him. A couple of times she even called me at home making accusations. Now if any wife would provide her husband an excuse to cheat it would be her. He did not cheat as far as I know and gossip is rampant in the force.

I'm not saying you're horrid. I'm saying that blaming the wife is just an excuse. Your husband's friend did not need to think you are horrid or blame you in any way. She may even know that your husband on his own would welcome the opportunity. And....not all husband's blame their wives.

If your husband said that he was unhappy in his marriage then he chose to deal with his unhappiness by creating happiness elsewhere. Being involved with someone else is much simpler and more exciting than being involved with your wife. Apparently he's returned and is now learning how to relate to you. That's a good sign. It is important, however, for you to have your anxiety answered. I heard Dr. Phil say to a husband who had returned from cheating that the natural consequence for him for his actions is to be ready to answer all of her questions, the same questions over and over, for years to come. Your husband will probably need help in learning how to deal with that. Another good reason to bring this up in counseling.

It seems to me that you have several issues that you need reassurance about. And I expect that you will continue to be angry and anxious until your husband shows you thru his ongoing faithful relationship with you that he's different now than he was then. You need to ask questions and he needs to answer them in a compassionate way. A counselor will help you both learn how to relate with each other in this circumstance.

Sounds like a perfect thing to bring up in counseling. In fact, if you could set up a one on one with ypur counselor and talk about it with them first, that might be the better option.

Either way, if it bothers you, my experience is that you'll either need to talk about it, or always have a resentment simmering,

As to whether or not it's "normal" that's a toughie. For ME, absolutely not. Lowest of the low (and I know it, because while I was single I DID do it knowingly once, and unknowingly more than once... I'm the kind who has to learn from my own mistakes. I didn't intentionally seek out married men -many women DO, for a variety of reasons- but I figured that *I* was single, so it was on them. Can you tell I was really REALLY young? Talk about stupid. Fortunately an easy, and fast, lesson learned.)

That said though, there ARE women who intentionally seek out married men (either for their unattainability, that they already have a "Stamp of approval", or for various other reasons.) Ask any man... The two things that draw female attention the fastest are babies and puppies. The third, and a close runner up, is a wedding ring.

Is it normal? Not by anyone who has two braincells to rub together and get a spark. A woman has to be either extremely stupid, or young, or both to do so.

Now... LOTS of non-stupid women get involved with divorced men OR men going through a divorce. Depends on how masochistic they are, at what stage they consider it okay for them. Because once the "D" word gets mentioned one of two things happen; the woman backs off (not as masochistic), or he's considered fair game.

Bringing it up at counseling based on a feelings issue - how you felt when that happened can help you heal. You might not learn the reasons behind, but it will let him know that it hurt you and that the trust issue is still fragile.

But counseling is the place to bring it up and like Marda said, you might want to talk separately with the counselor first.

D.

Whether you ask him or not, you'll never really know what your husband has said about you to other people. He might tell you the truth. He might cover up for his own bad behavior.

You have even less chance of knowing what the other woman's motives or judgements were. She could be off on her own mental tangent, no matter what your husband has said to her. And what you said is true; she has never met you, so at best is only working with her ideas about who you might be. Big deal. Or perhaps it would be more accurate to say it's only as big a deal as your thoughts about it make it.

No matter what has happened before, and no matter what other people have done or said, you'll really have to find out what this marriage means to you, and act accordingly. If it seems to have value worth working for, then give it 100% of your intention, effort, and love. Stay in counseling long enough to see whether your husband is willing to do the same.

If his behavior toward you from this point forward is respectful and sincere, he means to make the marriage work. You may find that is enough to allow you to forgive and move forward. You may find that you're still not convinced. Only then will you really have any clearness on whether to hold your marriage together, or let it go.

Bear in mind that any work you do now to repair the relationship with your children's father will probably be good for you all, whether or not you ultimately choose to stay married.

My best to you. This is a difficult passage in your lives.

Hi J.:

not knowing you or anythign about your relationship with your husband, it's difficult to say anything. But from what you write it doesn't sound as if your husband's firend had put much thought into it trying to set him up with one of her pals. See it like that: there's a friend of her's going through divorce, probably he's lonely, whatever. So she could just set him up with a friend to make him think about other things. If she would have done anyone involved a favor is questionable. I don't think that her attempt was a direct attack on you, or that your husband necessarily shared any details of your marriage/problems with her. IT sounds like simple thoughtless meddling to me. I would not confront him with that issue at the moment but just let it go and focus on you, your marriage, and your family.

Good luck! S.

Those are some deep worries, and they should not go unaddressed. I think you should bring them up in your counseling session, in full context just like you told us about it. Explain that you know the worry might be without cause, but you would like resolution for the sake of your feelings. Feelings are important, and having confidence in your husband's love for you is important too. His opinion should be important to you. He's your husband, ostensibly your other half. If your relationship is going to work, then you need these doubts out of the way.

As a woman, I would never dream of setting up someone who was trying to work out his marriage, but there are some people out there who regard marriage as a mere formality , who honestly don't see why someone shouldn't cheat if it makes them feel good. To them, sex is just a feeling, not part of a committment, so they don't take the emotional impact of relationships into account. It's possible that your husband's friend takes this casual view of relationships, in which case her gesture is no reflection on you at all.

You say things are going well. Things would not be going well if your husband didn't want you as well as your boys. Give him the benefit of the doubt and the credit he deserves for being willing to admit his affair and work to renew your relationship. Give him your full confidence so that he knows what footing he's working on. It will help both of you.

Stirring up things that have been resolved between you and your husband are risky. I would suggest talking it out with a counselor because you need to resolve it within yourself.

And I can not imagine the hurt you must feel. Do not let this woman any where near your husband, house, or hearth.

Resolve to make yourself the strongest, most independent, and graceful woman you can be. The best defense is a good offense.

Wow! I'd ask. It'll haunt you. But beware, you'll still probably not get the whole story.

No it's not normal. That's aweful. I don't know who would do that. He may have acted so sad that maybe she was cheering him up or she's ....I don't know what to tell you but to ask. You'll have these questions haunting you and it's not fair to you to have to hide him. He's going to have to know that you're going to have a healing process.

You'll also need to confront him about why he's still with you and why you feel he's there for the boys only. If he loves you he'll begin to see exactly how deep this hurt goes....

This is something that is really getting to you. Do you think you could just let it go? I mean if thats what you decided to do do you think it would just leave your mind. I think you should bring it up but do it in counseling so you have a mediator. He could easily go on the defensive and that would only undermine communication. Use your mediator. That's why they exist. Also, for devil's advocates sake keep in mind that when we blow off steam to other people outside of our relationships we rarely include the good. Whoever is listening then gets a terrible picture of the other person in the relationship. Whatever he has said to this lady wasn't good and you should expect that. But you also don't know what was in this woman's head when she wanted to set him up with a friend. She could have simply been trying to cheer up a friend with a diversion from what was at the time, the end of a marriage. You don't know what motivated her and I think thats really the crux of your problem. He might not know why either but if you do it right and he is in a receptive mood, bringing this up might be a very fruitful endeavor. You could both stand to get a lot out of it as far as understanding each other.

Wish you well.

N.

Well you could be right on all accounts. You never know till you ask. The way that I see it is that if he is truly sincere about wanting to stay together, and truly loves you, don't you think that he will do ANYTHING and I mean ANYTHING to make you feel at ease and TRUST the relationship, including asking any questions that you have? He knows he did wrong and he should feel enough empathy for you that he would want you to ask any questions that you had to put your feelings at rest so you 2 could have the BEST ever relationship. Now if you ask and he gets mad,.... he is trash. Get rid of him. He is still hiding something and doesn't care to sincerely set your feelings and "wondering" at ease. Does that make sense?
In order for a female friend to set him up, it sure sounds like he was making things look as if it was your fault and he wouldn't ordinaryly cheat, however, the female friend may not have even cared. She may have been trashy and a user and just wanted out of it what she wanted... so who knows.
Kids are a good reason for a husband to want to stay in a marriage and not having to pay child support is another reason but if you ask me he should have thought this thing through before he took that first step in cheating.
If it happened to me, I would have to ask. Don't know that I could live without asking. But I also don't know if I would have been as strong as you to take him back.
Two things you might consider. Close your eyes when it is quiet and you are alone sometimes and can think. Put yourself in his shoes and think about how you would react if he ask you when you had done that. And then think about the reasons you would react that way... example: love or just sticking around. (follow me?)
Then 2) you may want to ask you counselor what you just ask the people on mamasource, see what he/she says you should do and how you should approach it.
Good luck. I feel for you. I could have done it. You must be a really strong person.

Get it out in the open! Always have everything out in the open, this is the only way you guys will survive this. Now it is what you do with the communication that will make or break you. Forgiveness and trust can rebuild your marriage. If he is saying he is on board to do all this then you need to make sure you are completely honest with him...if you are consistently honest, hopefully he will follow in suit. Once it is all out there, you can forgive and begin again! It is so worth it to keep your family intact if at all possible :) Hang in there. I am sorry for all you have been through, but just keep lovin on those boys whatever happens!

Let it go. What happened then, was then. Your husband and you both have made a commitment to go forward, together. What he did then, what he was thinking then.... a different paradigm. What friends or co-workers did for him while he was in transition, he can't be responsible for, what they assumed or understood belongs to them, not him. You will never really know because you weren't there when things were said and done. Work on today and plan for tomorrow. It doesn't sound like you're committed to going forward together because you're looking back and not forward. Again, you need to be fully committed to making the marriage work for it to happen. You and your husband will always be Mom and Dad to your boys, no divorce decree will ever change that relationship. Your boys will be happy if the two of you are happy. They are very intuitive.

I wish you and yours well.

I am so proud of you for your commitment to your marriage! Good for you for getting into counseling! That is hard work!! Definitely worth it!!

I'd definitely bring up any concerns you have in counseling. That is the place and now is the time to deal with all hurts. Until they are dealt with, you will likely always doubt him. Not a good way to live.

Regardless of why he is staying, he is staying. There is hope. In my experience, getting a guy to counseling is like pulling teeth -- without painkillers! Even if he quits going, keep going to counseling for yourself. You'll be glad you did.

I am praying for both of you! Nothing is impossible with God!
C.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. As if getting a divorce isn't hard enough in and of itself. How did your husband handle it when you expressed your anger? If you do decide to stay together it's HIS responsibility to make it clear to his friends that he is NOT available. It's your responsibility to get through this tough situation as best you can. I'd be totally enraged if I were in your situation. I'd tell him he has to make a choice. A relationship is a team. Anyway, not to rant. I just wanted to respond and give you some validation. Sometimes it helps me to know that life is one big change. It's always changing. Maybe it will comfort you to know that life won't always look like it does right now.
Take care.

You are overanalyzing this whole thing. Your right, nothing normal about that situation at all. Since he did this while you were still married (and still are) he was cheating on you, so why are you still staying with this guy ? It makes You wonder ? No kidding, you will never have complete trust in this guy anymore - its not worth sticking with him. You will never know his real reasons why he is sticking around, yes, it could be your kids, maybe the convenience of not having to uproot himself, and just wanting to be in the kids life more, yet who knows what the guy is doing when you are not around. You are concerned too much how this looks 'on you' if it makes you look bad....your husband is the one who looks bad on all accounts, your focus is on the wrong person.

I would ask! If you do not it will be nagging at you for a long time. I would do it while you are at your therapy appointment. Good luck!

Most likely, he didn't need to say anything. This co-worker probably just knew him and liked him as a person. She probably then just drew her own conclusions about why the marriage wasn't working. Most men don't talk that much about their personal lives, and I doubt your husband got intimate with this co-worker about why your marriage wasn't working.

J., I think that it is rude and disrespectful to set up a man still living in the same house with his wife and going through a divorce. Not a good time to met a new mate How do you know about your husband being set up by this woman? Did you husband tell you?
I would question a lot like: Why he told you? That seems hurtful too. What he does say about you? Why she would think it's a good choice for her friend? Can you trust your husband to be truthful with you? It seems like you are unsure about his intentions. Why does he have female friends that he appears to be that close too?
I'm sorry this is happening to you. Please take care of yourself and realize that the crappy things other people do isn't about you but them. If you can't trust your husband to tell you the truth you might rethink doing a separation while you work on your marriage.