Please Help Seeking Advice/Opinion on a Difference My Hubby and I Are Having! - Lake Butler,FL

I do believe people of the opposite sex can be just friends, but all too often one is thinking possibly more. The fact that he is so defensive makes me question it. They don't need to be alone. If they are just hanging out like one of the guys, then other guys should be there, too. Ask him, out of respect to you, to limit the alone time between them. Also, ask him his feelings on the reverse. Most likely, he will say he would have no problem with it, knowing that you are tending to the children usually (I am assuming). Tell him that you would like to have some "date nights" with him. It might be good for the both of you.

This is a matter of trust and security --on YOUR part
If you trust him to tell her when she has crossed the line, I dont see anything wrong with it. If you are not secure in your marriage, and are afraid he will cheat, then this is a huge issue you need to resolve with him.

My husband has a handful of female friends. I know them, and they are nice...and yes, they have gone out together to just hang out. Vice Versa--I love to go out dancing, but hubby isnt in to it as much as i am...I have a male friend who I will go out dancing with...

Here is the thing, no matter if you are married or not, male or female friends will be in your and his life. If he had female friends growing up, there is no reason to think he wont have them as an adult. Its all a matter of trust and security.

Now she is flirty...you have a right to ask her to tone it down a bit with your hubby, but that may just come off as a "jealous wife" and cause even more friction. If she is anything like a friend i know--Its all innocent, and it may be the only way she knows how to communicate with guys.
And just because someone comes on to your hubby, doesnt mean he is going to cheat--and if he does--its HIS fault, and hers.

These are my opinions...but I, honestly, wouldnt know what i would do if i was forced to give up my guy friends. They have been there for me when i needed someone to talk to, gave different perspectives and were able to help out when i needed a hand. Just as any great friend would.

Again, these are just my opinions--and I am happily married

Yeah yeah! Do what L. K said!

Ask him what he would do if the situation were opposite?

You might want to explore the cause of his defensiveness. Does he think you are too controlling? Do you nag or boss him around too much on other things? Does he realize you are not his mother to rebel against? What is the need for them to be alone together?

From experience, I don't believe a man and a woman can be friends for very long before some sort of romance takes place. I've started as a friend to all of my ex's and now we are friends again. The guys I'm purely friends with are GAY!

If I were him, it wouldn't be worth it to me to upset my wife by having a certain "friend". There must be some other reason for his rebelling.

Keep your eyes open, but don't be grumpy towards him. Give him lots of sexy lovin' to remind him what he has at home. Men are weak when the other head takes over their reasoning.

I would have asked my husband the same thing you asked yours. I don't mind him having female friends. I don't mind him hanging out with his friends sometimes, but if it's only him and one female friend hanging out together without me or anyone else... I would have a problem with that. I'm not a jealous wife. I don't pick his friends or tell him what he can and cannot do. But I would ask him if he would be comfortable if I went out alone with a man that he has met a couple times, but didn't know well.
Here's what I tell my husband, and the rule applies to myself as well and he knows that; if you can conduct yourself the way you would if I were standing there beside you and have nothing to worry about, then I won't have a problem with it. But if things are being talked about or insinuated that you wouldn't like said in front of me, then don't put yourself in a position to damage your own integrity. If there's a situation where anything could be accused or misconstrued or lead to something more, you should not be in that situation. There are choices you make along the way that can be devastating to the trust in a marriage. He needs to decide if spending time alone with this girl is worth hurting you. Feelings are neither right or wrong, they just are. And if you are feeling uneasy about that situation, you have a right to tell him about it. He should not be getting defensive. Try to tell him how it makes you feel without making him feel like you're accusing him of anything.

I say take a stand and tell him in no uncertain terms you are NOT comfortable with it and do not want him hanging out with her alone. That is totally reasonable. Because I've seen things happen...people may start out as friends, then get a little emotional attachment going...it can only get worse from there. I believe very few guys can resist temptation, and since this girl knows he's married, I'd be afraid she's got ulterior motives already. And your husband, if he's already getting defensive about her, I'd say that's a bad sign too. I know, some women on here may slam me, but honey, you need to protect your marriage, and dont give him the go ahead to be in a situation that could lead to trouble. I assume he'd be fine with it if you had a gorgeous, wonderful guy friend that you wanted to hang out with, just as frineds?

Hey L.- My situation was different from yours, however, even good men go bad if it is in their face enough.

I was very much in love with my husband of over 10 years, we had 3 young children, he left me for the local s--t. She knew me, she had seen our children, she didn't care. She saw a man she wanted and just had all the right answers every time he would complain about anything. She went after him like a cheetah after its prey.

My husnabd was in a very uncertain area in his life and felt lost, he had retired after 23 years in the Air Force and he could not understand civillian life/jobs/ethics. He was not turning to me, he internalized it and she took advantage of his weakness. I just don't trust women like that. You know your husband, make sure he has something good to come home to, if he refuses "intimate" time - then something isn't right!

Good luck
M. F

This has nothing to do with whether or not you trust him, it has to do with his behavior being inappropriate in a marriage. It is just not okay for him to spend one-on-one time with another woman. Even if there is no attraction whatsoever, it can be detrimental to your marriage. I have never had this problem, but before I was married I had a couple very close male frineds (I have four brothers, so it was normal for me to be around guys a lot). Once I was married, I still keep in touch with these guys and my husband and I have been social with them on occasion (they are my friends after all) but I do not spend time alone with them. It would not be fair to my husband or my marriage for me to focus my time, share my thoughts, and enjoy the company of a man other than him. It just starts the thoughts flowing and opens way too many doors that shouldn't be.

Truly, if your husband is not on the same page as you with this, it may be time for some marriage counseling. Are you involved in a church? If so, that would be my first recourse for you guys to meet with your priest/pastor and he can advise your husband as to why this is inappropriate and probably has some better examples/reasons than I can provide. Maybe hearing it form a third party professional would make a difference to him.

Don't do it... Guys by nature love that kind of attention, as we all do I guess... But I think it is much easier for a guy to maybe not to set out to do something with her but for it to just happen, especially if she wants it to.. My husband has friends that are girls and it's no big deal, but if he starts to hang out with someone and she becomes the subject of conversation a little to often then it's time for me to step in and tell him that "this one" is not one that I want him to hang out with alone.. And he should respect that...

I agree with you, when you are married it is no longer you or him you are a couple and do things as a couple. Guys should definately have guys night out but hanging out with a women is just not appropriate. I would sit down and tell him how it makes you feel. I would tell him that you are not trying to tell him what to do just explaining your feelings and how this is hurting you. If he truly loves you then he will not hang out with her alone not simply because you told him but because he doesn't want to hurt your feelings. I see this whole situation going down the wrong road in the future. You don't know her intentions. At my old work place my manager hung out with one of my co-workers. He and his wife would have her over and they worked closely too. SHe was definately a flirt and known for sleeping with people to get a head. Needless to say they had an affair and his wife took everything from him during the divorce. They tried for 10 years to get pregnant when she finally got pregnant was when the affair started.The closer your husband gets to her the more he might have in common with her or like her. All it takes is a few drinks or a night when you guys have been too busy with the kids to tend to each other and she is there and he turns to her. I think you need to fight hard for this. If he objects too much then I would wonder why? Maybe something has already happened. I pray not. Having an affair is the most devasting thing you can to do to the person you love. Be positive and make sure this issue is addressed and he knows how you feel. Don't let this slide or it might be too late.

Hi L.,

I'm going to tell you what my husband has said to me many times. Men don't have women friends....they think differently than women and any man who says she's just a friend has thought about other things....That being said, it doesn't mean that that is his intent. And it doesn't mean that he has discovered this information yet, lol. Some men are naive. When my husband and I first got married he had girl friends from college and they called him a lot. I tried to befriend them but suspected they wanted more than he knew. I spoke with him about it and of course I had insulted the integrity of his friends.....well, then it happened, one of them invited him to go out of town with her and he was stunned. He actually apologized to me and has since never interacted with a woman without me if he could help it. We've come to an understanding. I will take his counsel about men and he will take my counsel on women.

Let's admit it, NO woman with any scruples WANTS to spend time with a married man alone....maybe if he was a childhood friend and there was a long history, but then the friendship would be strong enough for a man to explain that it would make his wife uncomfortable. A friend would respect that.

Feel free to show this to your husband or have him call mine! If you have an older man in your life...dad, brother, pastor, next door neighbor that could reinforce this for you that may be a route to go if this goes any further....

God bless!

M.

P.S. Fights are inevitable in a marriage. Don't be scared of them, just make sure you choose well in the ones you want to battle!

I can only tell you what I think. I am not you nor your husband.
In MY marriage, I don't believe my husband would ever WANT to do that (hang out with a female friend alone). For one, he doesn't believe in doing things that nothing good can come of. But also, if he has "free" time, he prefers to spend it with me and our kids. Yes he has female friends, mostly co-workers. Most, but not all, are married. And he is friendly with them, but only meets up to "hang out" with them as groups... usually a thing where spouses are invited, and he always wants me to go too. There has been only one occasion that he went to something like that without me that specifically involved a female, and it was her going away party/dinner with everyone from their work. I was invited also, but due to the day of the week, the location, and hour, I thought it best to stay home and get the kids in bed, etc... He went, and was home relatively early.. but got to say good-byes to his friend.
But my husband doesn't generally "hang out" with people without me anyway. Except for his golfing, if there is "hanging out" it involves couples and sometimes even children. Usually inviting someone over for dinner, or going out or to someone else's for dinner, cards, etc. We are not joined at the hip, it's just his preference to spend time with US.

I think your situation has more to do with what is the "norm" in your household. Is this something new? Does he routinely hang out with friends without you? Perhaps it is a more general issue than you thought... does it bother you for him to spend his "free" time hanging out with friends instead of with you?

Just my thoughts...

Hey L.,

I know exactly how you feel. My husband worked with this women who had a horrible reputation and even went to the extreme by telling him she would like to have sex with him on his office desk. I know just what you mean by calling her the "flirty type". The same thing happened to me when I asked my husband about it. He said that they were just friends and that I should trust him. He would always turn it around like I was the one that was wrong and unreasonable. All I can say is trust your instincts. If it bothers you then there is a good reason why it does. I would tell myself that I would just have to deal with it and try to act like it did not bother me so I could keep the piece. The fact of the matter is that it did bother me bigtime. I never knew if anything ever happened with them but my husband did later have an affair with a different co-worker. If your husband respects you he would understand how you feel and quit hanging out with her when you are not around. You are not trying to be his mother by telling him who he can and can not hang out with but in reality there are plenty of GUYS he could be buddies with. Again, it is about respect. You are not wrong! Ask him how he would feel if you were running around with a "guy friend" every where. You need to stick to your guns and not give in on this situation. It sucks when you are sitting at home taking care of yours and his kids while he is out and about with a female co worker. Nip it in the bud before he thinks he can and should do whatever he wants without considering how you feel. If you ever need to talk with someone feel free to call me or email me. Just check my profile for the number.

J.

Hey L.,
I'm a little late chiming in but for what it's worth, here is my opinion. First, if he's going to cheat, he's going to cheat. As a wife the only thing you can do is treat him with respect, take care of him like you used to in the early days, give him sex, and let him see that you are a woman with needs of her own, not just a mom. Spend time with him away from the kids. In essence, work on the marriage and keep it alive, exciting, and new.
Second, you have to trust him. If he wants to hang out with this woman and says "nothing is going on" all you can do is explain how it makes you feel (hurt) and leave the rest up to him. I, too, would be hurt if my husband wanted to spend time with a single, flirty woman, but the more you push that he stay away the more he is going to insist on being with her. No man would be happy with his woman spending time with a single, flirty man but of course he will insist that it's okay. He has to meet you half-way on this one.
Third, keep an eye out for signs that there is more going on. Unexplained phone calls, arriving late home from work or wherever, hair or clothes or other unusual items in the car, and, believe it or not, some say if he gets better or more interesting in bed than that could be a sign.
Fourth, make some dates for you two, and leave him home with the kids more often while you enjoy some time out. Keep him busy at home.

Good luck!
S.

L., You do not sound like an unreasonable or jealous wife. You sound like someone who has respectfully made a request of your husband and he has ignored your feelings about this issue. I wonder why he feels the need to hang out with this woman alone when you have all hung out together in the past? There may be absolutely nothing untoward going on, but I think if he values your feelings, he should respect your wishes. The bottom line here is that YOU are NOT in the wrong. He may only be guilty of not abiding by your wishes. He may be guilty of more. I've always said, trust him until he gives you a reason not to. Have there been any other little clues? If not, then maybe he's just inconsiderate. If so, then maybe you should be very direct and confront him. I hope he's just being inconsiderate and that he will wake up and realize that he is causing you a lot of strife and drop it.

L. T,
I don't know how you will accept this, but you did ask for opinions and here is mine. It sounds as though you are overly busy and need to cut back on some of the things that you find not totally necessary. Find a way to become more exciting to your husband. Marriage carries alot of responsibility. It is a partnership. Men usually don't give as much as we would like, but you set expectations and you may find disappointment.
Do you know how the other woman gets in? Do you know their plan? Well, It's sad to admit but I have been the other woman in my early years, the man was not married and he had a girlfriend. I knew it was wrong to infringe and did not actually want the man for a serious relationship, but he was appealing and smart and we had a lot in common. Hey, here's an awakening. In playing that disguisting part, I found that, The other woman, be she friend or foe, does all of the little things we as wives neglect to do. She holds his hand, rubs his head and tells him how wonderful, sexy and smart he is. She feeds his ego a healthy diet of "psyco-boom" and he loves that, he needs that. She is so attentative and eager to listen to his boring jargon. She uplifts him and delights his visual stimulation. That's right, she puts on sexy nighties, role plays and is virtual eye candy for him through out the day. She laughs at his unfunny jokes and she doing all these things makes him feel like a king. Many women have been the other woman, but are not likely to admit it. It's just that with my years I am honest about my experiences and what I learned. I also learned that when we treat men the way they treat us, we cannot seem to get rid of them.(LOL!!) Funny, but true.

All that being said. You have got to examine yourself and find where your shortcomings are. We give and give so much of ourselves as women that we tend to give ourselves away. That old cliche, that the same thing it took to get him hooked is what it will take to keep him. Honey, I have been with my husband for 17 yrs. Daily I am the other woman. We are totally monogamous, because I am every woman. Try some role play this evening, cater to his eyes, and all senses. You are the his wife. The only woman and every woman and NO woman is competition to you. It may just be a friendship, but I would stand firm that they not go out alone. You can prevent some of those thoughts by being on your A game and sprucing yourself up a little. It may not all make sense. But it is worth a try. Next, pray. Talk to God often and make a church date with your husband. When you let Spirituality out, the world comes in and when the world comes in, they will create a mess! Hope you get my message. Love is the only thing that matters, love him in the difficult times and be supportive, understanding and sexy. Study that girl and see what is so great about her. Study him and find out what he is reacting to. Now you have your facts, put a plan in action and hold on to your man!

If your household is out control, modify it with love, care and prayer.

J.

L.,

If my husband wanted to spend alone time with another woman, I would file for divorce. Period. End of subject. Your husband is either having an affair with this woman, or wants to have an affair with her. I am sorry to say this to you, but your husband is not happy in your marriage. This other woman is giving him something you are not. It is one thousand percent INAPPROPRIATE for your husband to hang out with her - no matter what they are doing. If you must stay with him, take him with you to marriage counseling. If he refuses to go, then divorce him in a New York minute. He is most likely cheating on you with her. You deserve so much better! Best of luck to you in your difficult situation.