Typical Behavior for a 3.5 Year Old Boy

My son is now 6, but I remember thinking we skated right through the Terrible Twos and then Three hit--and it was NASTY! LOL
I agree with a list of house rules. Tell him what the consequences are for breaking a house rule and follow through. It's hard, and tiring to stick with it and be consistent, but it will be the only thing that will work. I also made my son a reward chart like a calendar and every day he got either a smiley face, or a frowny face. After 5-6-7 smiley faces in a row, he got to do something fun (park, Mickey D's, etc. or buy a Hot Wheel or something. It worked pretty well.
Also, watch out that you're not (as I found myself doing) nit-picking the kid to death either. I found that the more I lightened up (do not read: tolerated rule breaking) the more cooperative he was. Good luck and hang in there. It's a tough age.

I'm a stay at home Mom too and your son sounds EXACTLY like my 3 1/2 year old!!! Isn't it lovely. They only act up for Mommy and are perfect (well almost) little angels for eveyone else : ) The only thing that I have found that works is to "let the small stuff go" (yeah I know - easier to say then do but it will save you your sanity in the long run), pick your battles so to speak and to let your son know that his "bad" behavior at home makes you sad. I used to yell and take toys away but one day I got so overwhelmed (I have a 19 month old as well) that I actually cried and my son did a 180 on me. Now I'm not saying to bring on the water works all the time : ) but I found out that most of the time my son is acting up either to get my attention or to see how far he can push his boundaries. If I ignore the small stuff, eventually, he realized well, that doesn't really cause a reaction and he stopped doing those things. For the big stuff ie hitting, being mouthy etc when I told him that the way he was acting made me sad and I didn't like it - he stopped those activities too. Now don't get me wrong - he's not perfect and I still get the brunt of most of his outbursts but he's gotten alot better . . .
Hope this helps. Hang in there!
T. C.

Hi D.,

Sounds like you are giving orders all day long.

Have you tried to be restorative?

Sit down and talk with him about what is expected of him and ask him what he thinks you expect from him.

Ask him what the consequences should be if he misbehaves.

Write everything down on a poster board, rules and consequences. Try that. Good luck. D.

I could have written this!! My son is SO busy. That in itself doesn't bother me, he's a 3 year old boy, I've heard that this is how they are, no big deal. But, he seems to NEVER listen to me, he's always jumping on things, and don't get me wrong, I don't care about the stuff, I just don't want him to get hurt. He knocks his cousin down, gets on the counters. I feel like I'm always telling him "No" and "Stop". His dad and I are not a couple, but we get along and decided that it might be a good idea to send him to daycare a couple days a week to transition him into preschool. Well, he went for one day and they told us they were dropping him back to half days and when I went to get him the next time, they told me that we should have him tested for ADHD! Well, it's not really possible to get an accurate diagnosis on a 3 year old, so we, and his doctor, decided not to do it, and we also decided not to send him back there. We felt like they couldn't handle him. Also, he can sit for an hour and look at a book, color, play with his trains, cars, children with ADHD can't do that.
Anyway, I know what you're going through. SOmething that has given me results is, when you say you're going to do something, take a toy away, etc. do it. They have to know that we mean what we say. I guess it's like everyone keeps telling me, they'll grow out of it. Good luck=)

This sounds like my child, Max, who's nearly 4. My son does have ADD, and there are some misleading myths about children with ADD. One of the confusing things about our son is that he is absolutely hypnotized by Dora. My husband and I ruled out ADD because we thought that it would be impossible for him to focus on anything. As it turns out, children with ADD/ADHD CAN focus on the things that interest them. I have two older children... and trust me, they didn't have any of the behavioral issues we're dealing with as far as Max goes. He wants to be good and he is very affectionate, but he's all over the place, he's aggressive, he doesn't listen (all the same disciplinary actions as you) and nothing gets through to him. We do the reward system, because encouraging good behavior is much easier than punishing no-so-good behavior... the older two are very well behaved... but still no effect on the babe. Don't rule out ADD just because it seems like a disability... don't rule it out just because your child can focus on things he likes. This site helped me, check it out: http://www.helpguide.org/mental/adhd_add_signs_symptoms.htm
Good luck and I hope you find the answer you are looking for.

Hi D., WOW, I thought you were talking about my 3.5 year old son while I read this! I read this post in hopes to get some tips for my son, you are absolutely not alone! My son has suddenly become so defiant and I have yet to find a punishment that works, so frustrating. I wish you luck and from what everyone tells me, this is pretty normal for a 3.5 year old boy!

My oldest son is 4 1/2, they sound like twins. My only advice is patience and persistence as well as consistency. All easily said, but hard to do. Just know he isn't the only boy who does this, and he certainly won't be the last!

Sounds like my 3 1/2 year old son!! I haven't found the perfect solution but have found a few things that help. Firstly, I stick to any threats I make all the time. I find if I give in even once he thinks then he can get away with the behavior. One thing I do is I will send him to bed early if he is misbehaving at night and that he really doesn't like. I also have sticker charts going for certain very frequent things he does which seems to help but not all the time. I also find that if I try really hard not to let it get to me then my positive attitude wears off on him and he seems to be better behaved. Also, lots of positive attention really helps. He usually doesn't nap now so I play a game with him or go through an activity book together when his brothers (2 year old twins) are taking their naps. If you need any advice regarding preparing for having twins, send me a message! All the best.

Similar situation here - I think my son figured out that he is allowed to have opinions & now EVERYTHING is "NO". We use the naughty seat (very similar to what Jo Frost from the Supernanny show uses). He gets one warning then I count at the same steady rate to 3, if I get to 3 he goes to the naughty seat. He sits there for 1 minute for every year (he is 4 1/2, so he gets 4 1/2 minutes). While on the seat he is not spoken to and if he gets up, he is replaced and the timer is restarted.

It works well - there are some days that he will need to go to the naughty seat 5 times and others not at all.

Just try to be consistent and TRY TO NOT internalize his behaviors - he is most likely doing this because he feels safe enough to experiment.

Best wishes - I know it can be trying =O}

Hi D.,
From my experience, it is VERY normal for your child to be well behaved elsewhere, but then continue to test you when you're alone. Even when my husband is home - my son acts better... almost like whenever he has a witness he is good - but when it is just the 2 of us - he is not.

The best advice I ever got on this topic was 2 fold. 1) realize that you are doing a great job if he is well behaved for everyone else... he wouldn't know his boundaries and he wouldn't respect other people if you weren't doing a good job.
2) after you gain a little bit of confidence from #1 continue to be firm with your son and don't let him get the best of you. You are not too hard on him, and you are not going to scar him for life if you keep up on the discipline. You might feel like it isn't working - but it certainly is! The worst thing you could do is back off or stop being firm with him - because he'll still continue to misbehave for you, but he'll also start misbehaving for other people too.

There are days where I am at my wits end with my son... the thing that works best for me is to pick my battles. If you get upset with your son for everything he does slightly wrong, then it is harder for him to recognize what the really bad things are. If he spills cherrios all over the floor because he was jumping around - I try not to get upset. Even though I'm pregnant too and bending over is not pleasant, I think - this is a minor infraction - don't get upset. But what is important is that I still tell him it was bad - he needs to calm down - and he needs to help clean up. That way he still learns what was wrong, but mommy didn't "get upset."

The other BEST thing I've learned is to reward for good behavior! Even if it seems silly to you - they really react well to positive praise. If he is finished with his sippy cup of milk, and brings it into the kitchen for me - I tell him how happy I am that he didn't leave it out - and how happy I am that he helped mommy. I let him open the frig and put it away (which he isn't supposed to open without permission) and he thinks that is a great treat!

Good luck!

Change your list a little. Who cares if he eats his fruits and veggies ? Give him some autonomy somewhere . . The fact that he is very good elsewhere and when Mom is not there should tell you that he understands the rules -- he is just pulling your buttons and it sounds to me as if he is winning.

Look at the behaviors that drive you insane, and decide which ones are critical and which ones don't matter. I don't like jumping on the furniture, because it costs $$ and should be treated with respect to last, I don't like hitting the younger bro, cuz people also should be treated with respect. What stuff on the counter does he move ? And why ? Where is the anger coming from ?

Meanwhile, after your list is made, be calm and determined. Forget the slaps and the stolen toys, and the time-outs. Remember that he is still small enough to be "controlled", and simply require that he correct what he has done. Help him to put everything back in its place when he empties your counters. But make sure he assists -- even at first if you hold his hand so he has to stay with you while you do most of the work. He has to pick up and replace at least one thing.

When he jumps on the couch, remove him from the scene of the crime. Make him pick up the pillows and put them back on the couch. Is there some other activity he can do to release his energy ?

In the mix of trying to do housework, grab some me-time, care for a 16 mo old, and find energy for your oldest, what is getting lost ? Is he getting the shaft on some Mommy-time ? Or on more age appropriate activities? Are there things you can do with him, while little bro is in a stroller or something ? Find things that ignite his sense of curiosity and help him explore the world some ? It's still summer, so getting out and about is an option, and it sounds like both you and he will have more peace doing things in public where he behaves better, and you can relax and enjoy him more.

Good luck. Parenting isn't easy, and child #1 is what I call, "the experimental child" -- by the time #2, 3 and 4 come along, we have already jettisoned our straightjackets and we go with the flow a little more. :-) The first one we somehow assume must be perfect or we are bad parents. See if you can listen to him and enjoy him, and when the good times increase, the acting out moments will magically begin to decrease. ;-)