I'm Curious as to How Others Discipline Their Young Children...

Hello, I will answer your questions the best I can, mostly for my 4.5 yo dd, and I'll also try to answer for my 19month old ds.

1. No timeouts. I do however do "time in" or "time away". Usually when my dd is acting up she has an underlying issue that needs to be addressed, so I take her somewhere quiet and sit with her til she calms down and we talk and try to figure out a solution. Sometimes she will prefer to be alone and I will honor that, which has only been in more recent months. But if I were to put her in her room alone when she didn't want to be she would totally freak out and her behavior would be even more out of control, she is a very spirited and touchy girl. She needs to know that I'll always be there for her no matter what. For my 19m ds, I have had no reason to do a timeout. If he hits or whatever, I redirect.

2. I'd say I'm consistent. Occasionally I'll have a knee jerk reaction and raise my voice or whatever, but I apologize and I think it shows them (and reminds me) that no one is perfect and it is an opportunity to show them what to do when you've messed up.

3. We are mostly in agreement. It's taken some time to get there though ;) If we dissagree we try to wait til the kids are in bed to talk about it. However, if one of us is starting to yell or threaten, the other one is supposed to come in and "take over" so the original parent can take a "time away" :)

4. Yes, we allow TV, there is no typical day though. Some days there is more tv than others. Somedays it isn't even turned on, but we listen to music instead. My ds is not interested in TV really at all. If I want the TV off and they want to watch, I try to be prepared to suggest and participate in activities.

5. Positive Reinforcement. Hmmm, this one is tricky. I don't believe in rewards or punishments. But, I will acknowledge an acheivement, or point out how their actions are affecting others. I want my kids to do things for their own satisfaction, not to "please mom" or in fear of a punishment. When they share, I may point out "hey, look at how happy Charlie is now that you shared your crayons!" I hardly ever say "good job" or "good girl/boy". I have some articles that explain the "why's" of this, better than I can. If anyone is interested, send me a message.

6. Sure we rough house. We scream, we run, we laugh, we sing, we wrestle, etc. Kids are kids, play is how they learn. However, I don't "allow" it at inappropriate times, if I explain that now isn't a good time for it, they understand. But they know that there will be a good time. Heck just yesterday we were having a screaming contest with my 19mo ds :). It was great fun and we were all on the floor non stop giggling by the time we were done. Not sure what the neighbors thought about it though LOL! But I don't care ;)

Adding, I do my best to not say "no". If there is a request that I cannot honor I think of a way to say "yes". "Sure honey, you can have some cookies, help me make some lunch here then after we eat we'll eat some together." "jumping on the couch is dangerous, let's pile the couch cushions on the floor and jump there." etc.

I could go on and on, but I think you get the idea, if you want more elaboration on anything, feel free to send me a message.

Ok, Honest answer. I do use time outs however; mine might be a bit different than some. I give 3 warnings then it's wall time. If it is something where they have hurt someone on purpose it is an automatic (3) and they have to stand on the wall. I have been using this method with my 9 yr old for years and now when he starts to act up, all I have to do is say warning 1 and he usually chills out. I look forward to using the same method with my younger son, 16 mo., when I think he is old enough to understand. My husband does support this method and will use it on occassion but he is also not opposed to spanking. I'm not either but it is used as a last resort.
I do allow tv but my kids stay so busy they really don't watch all that much.
I do allow a certain amount of rough housing. If I didn't, my husband would spend most of his time home on the wall right beside my son. It is when you say "settle down now" and the order isn't followed that it is time to give warning.
My kids are allowed to be kids but there are some things that are ok for outside play and some for inside play.
I think it's important to talk to kids. Let them know what they do right and when you're unhappy with something they have done. I have always been really strict about making sure nobody ever tells my kids they are bad. They can say that what a child did is bad but never the child.
All of these things combined have worked very well for me. It sure eases a lot of stress when you can calmly say warning 1 instead of getting upset and hollering. I'd be happy to answer any more questions you might have. Hope this helps. Shannon G.
SAHM of 2 boys. 9yrs. and 16 mo. with hopes of adding an adopted son of 8 yrs. Married 9 years, together for 12.

I have 2 boys, now 16 and 13. I'm a now-retired labor lawyer, but was working FT when my boys were young. I assure you, I've been around the block with how to work with brothers hitting, bothering, pestering, etc. My older boy is energetic and a charming tease. My younger son is calm and mature beyond his years. This isn't that uncommon in birth order with boys. Here's my approach, and I think it's been pretty successful:
1. Time outs: Very effective, if for no other reasons they de-escalate the energy and break a cycle of misbehavior. I used them (and still do) whenever I feel that the energy level is spinning out of control and the boys themselves cannot reign themselves back in. When toddlers, we used a specific chair in a quiet place, where the boy could look out the window and calm down. I also use a 3 count to help de-escalate. Even to this day, I provide a warning to stop the behavior, if it's not stopped a start a 3 count, and if it's not done by 3, the boys have to go to their rooms (or time out chair when they were young). The progression helps the kids learn how to reign themselves in. It also helps you channel your response.
2. Consistency: You just need common themes to reinforce with discipline, such as "keep your hands to yourself" or "we don't hit" or "no bullying" or "we respect each other" Personally, I thought using different forms of discipline helped the "surprize factor" in that time outs or other tactics lose some effectiveness if the child becomes accustomed to them.
3. Spouse: we are same page, but I do most of the disciplining. These days, I often prompt my husband to initiate a response, since the boys hear my voice too much and sometimes need a strong male voice to make them pay attention.
4. TV: Always allowed. We are TV people. I am a media junkie. Just control the programs. Also, make sure you have newspapers around and are reading books, to send the message that TV isn't the only way to get info. My sons are encyclopedias of history and interesting info since we often have the history channel, Nat'l Geo, or other educational channels on. Right now, we have a lot of politics on since it's a great time to learn about and discuss our political system (and we're BIG OBAMA FANS!). My boys are now able to speak intelligently about current events, due, in part, to careful selection of TV programming. The right TV programs can also prompt meaningful discussions and sharing of opinions.
5. Positive Reinforcement: Strong believer. I keep reminding myself to try for 5 positive statements, for every negative statement. That's a rule I've used in business life for managing employees, and it works well at home. Also, you need to program your kids with a positive mental script, with frequent encouragement, positive statements about their skills, talents, and fabulousness. This is part of building confidence and self image, and it starts from the time they're babies. As for positive reinforcement with rewards, I have had a hard time with this, since our children have many privileges naturally. It's hard to continue to give them more by promising gifts or money or other things. I think it's better to focus the positive reinforcement on affirmative statements and praise.
6. Rough housing: It's inevitable. But you have to watch so people don't get hurt. This is truly the source of most of my need to discipline. I think that boys just naturally need to do this (just watch some bear cubs or puppies play). However, they need to be helped in not going too far. One session resulting in us eliminating all video games in our house for 5 years since the boys were fighting over them. Now, they have them back, but whenever they bicker over gaming, we remind them that we have removed them in the past if the boys can't manage how they're used.
6. Other techniques: Some things I have used are a) the "close talk in the face" Here, I come very close and face-to-face with the child and with a low, slow, and firm voice say the rule or theme that you're trying to teach, and then correct the noncompliant behavior ...e.g., "We are not mean to each other, and respect each other. you can't hurt your brother by poking him in the ribs. Do you understand??? Do we need to talk about this more? Can I trust you to follow this rule?" b) the 3 count (mentioned above), c) When driving and kids are bothering each other, I use the "sit on your hands" tactic -- I tell the offender that since he can't keep his hands to himself, he needs to sit on them. That stops the poking. d)the redirect -- sometimes, you just need to state the rule, but then take the child into a different activity or discussion. e) shouting -- sometimes, a startling shout (STOP THAT RIGHT NOW) will break the escalation of misbehavior. It's not attractive, but it's a tactic I'm comfortable with and most moms have to resort to. f) warnings -- before you escalate your response to the major stuff of time outs, make sure you are giving warnings that things are getting out of hand.

I hope this is helpful. Now, I'm back to watching Barack speak in New Hampshire on CSpan! Go Barack! Good luck Huck and McCain!

Hi my name is K., I am a pt working mom of a set of b/g twins they are 20mos old.

1) Do you use time-outs? If so, what constitutes a "time-out"? Hitting, back-talk, whining, throwing things, jumping on the furniture, etc?

Yes, we use time-outs, 2 mins with a timer on a chair in the corner of the room standing over them until the timer beeps. Mostly a time-out would be what happens when I have asked 2 times nicely to either stop what they are doing 3rd strike "Time-out" ie: climbing on the kitchen table, banging plates at dinner, high pitched screaming for the sake of screaming as well as the other things you listed above. OR if it is something they did that I find no warning is needed. Hitting, pushing, bitting sister/brother (or mommy/daddy).

2) How consistent are you with your corrections? Honestly.

I am about 80-90% consistant with my corrections. If I don't do it, it is because I didn't see it. . . or I wasn't sure who did what since they can't tell on each other and all they do is cry. I am not sure about my husband, because I think he just tells them NO because he would have to get up and go in the other room to do a timeout. I am with them all but 2 nights a week so for most of the time they are consistant.

3) Are you and your spouse/partner on the same page and are you both in agreement with regard to discipline? If not, how do you handle a specific situation where you disagree?

See above. I think he agrees with this discipline, but he is just going to pick and choose when he wants to use it. If we disagree with how it is done, we just talk about it away from the kids later. I sometimes have to tell him to give a timeout. Usually, I end up enforcing it if I am there.

4) Do you allow TV? If so, how much in a typical day? What do you allow your young kids to watch?

Well, my TV is on most of the morning. Mostly, because I want to watch it. I work Night Shift and it sometimes takes all my will power to stay awake until their nap time. I leave it on Playhouse Disney until Sesame Street comes on, but my kids are in and out of the room that I am in because they would rather go in the other room and play with their toys. They do come in to watch Elmo's World for the whole 15 mins and sit on the floor.

5) Do you believe in positive reinforcement, too? For example, if your child is playing nicely do you make a point to tell him/her how great it is that they are playing so well? If so, how has this worked for you?

I completely believe in positive reinforcement. Sometimes I think my kids think their names are RaeganNO and RylanNO, because they are constantly trying to do something they shouldn't so when they do something I like, I try to tell them they are doing a great job or mommy likes it when you are so helpful. Etc. My daughter LOVES to be told she is doing something correctly. She will keep doing it just to hear you say so. My son just smiles when I tell him he is doing a good job so I think it works.

6) How much "rough-housing" (if any) is allowed? What about running/screaming in the house? Do you try to let them "be kids" or is that sort of activity for outside?

I allow it IF, they aren't hurting anyone or themselves and as long as they aren't breaking anything (their toys included). I do not allow it at the dinner table or at bed time. I do try to let them be kids within reason. I want my kids to have fun, but behave acceptably. I want them to know there at times to be silly and have fun and there are times to be a little more reserved.

I hope this helps. Let me know what you find out. Thanks!

Your children are just about the same age as mine. I have a 3.5 year old boy and an 18 mo. boy. In our house we have a time out couch in the living room.We use it for both boys.

1)For us a time out is used for:
*hitting
*spitting
*bad words(including loser)-they can choose either a time out or soap in the mouth. time out usually wins
*talking back
*if asked to do something, such as put there dinner plate in the sink,more than three times.
2)Thanks to my other half we are very consistent with time outs.
3)We usually don't disagree on discipline. Sometimes I don't think a time out is warranted but I just let it go because our kids are really shaping up and listening.
4)I allow the boys to watch tv while I am making dinner and sometimes for a while in the evening during the winter. In the summer we watch very little tv. The boys like to watch the dvds Shrek, Open Season, Shark Tales, Finding Nemo etc..
5) Positive reinforcement it a MUST. If my 3 year old is sharing with his little brother I make a point a saying to the younger one "look how your big brother is sharing, I tell the older one he is an excellent big brother and great job at sharing. I ALWAYS, ALWAYS use positive reinforcement. It has worked very well for us. The 3 year old will now say " look mom, I am sharing with my brother and am being a good boy". Doesn't everyone like a pat on the back for doing something good.
6) I let my boys be boys. We rough house sometimes, reminding the older one that his brother is still little and to be gentle. In our family room I allow the boys to stack the couch cushions and play spiderman while jumping from cushion to cushion on the floor. I have explained to them that this is something they can only do on these particular couches. No other couches in the house and never ever at anyone elses home. My boys have so much energy and in the winter it is hard for them to use it. The summer is a whole different story though.

I believe children need to follow rules or else they will be running the house by the time they are teenagers. I don't believe in spanking but timeouts have worked well for us.

I have a boy that will be 5 in one week, and a 21 month old boy, and we obviously do different discipline approaches and allow different things with each boy. But for my 21 month old, we:

1. Yes, we use time outs. For minor things we try to redirect him. This works fairly well at this age. We also tell him "no xxx". If he stops, then we give a lot of praise. We praise by high fives, hugs and kisses, and verbal "good boy". If he is doing something that hurts others, then we put him in a time out. Ex: hitting, biting. We also time out him if he is throwing things when he is mad. I put him in the time out chair for about 1.5 minutes and then when he is done I go over and talk to him about what he did and why it was bad. You can't talk too much, or they won't listen at this age. But, I make sure at the end to tell him I love him and give him a kiss and hug. I have found that as long as we are consistent, this time out method seems to work well and stopping the bad behavior.

2. If we are at home, we are both pretty consistent with discipline. I think you have to be for it to work. When we are out in public or at someone else's house, we are not consistent. I will time out him if he hurts another child. But I don't time out him if he is screaming or doing something else that is not good to be doing. I try to redirect and talk to him and pull him aside and talk to him first. If he continues, I will time out him. Consistency is key, and we try to be consistent as much as possible.

3. For the most part we are on the same page. Sometimes with my older son we disagree, but we let each other do what we feel is appropriate, then talk about it later. I think that parents need to take a united stand in front of the child, or that will create many more issues.

4. Yes, we watch tv. I think tv is very good for helping a younger child learn language. They watch tv while I am getting ready in the morning. Then, they usually watch 1 hour during the day. I don't keep track of how much they watch, but I do try to make sure we have enough activities going on during the day so they are not always watching tv. My younger one doesn't really watch more than 20 minutes anyway as he is not really into tv/dvd's.

5. I totally believe in positive praise. I think your discipline will not work effectively unless you give both positive and negative feedback. Kids take great pride in positive praise, and I think it encourages them to learn new things and gives them tons of self confidence. I also think that if you are constantly only saying negative things to your child (ex: discipline), then your child learns to tune you out and they don't care if they are following your directions or not. You can never give too much positive praise in my opinion. There is a fine balance between positive and negative feedback. If I find that my son just isn't really listening to me now of days, I will up the amount of positive feedback I give him and he generally listens much better.

6. In the toy room, I allow them to run around as long as the area is fairly clean. I don't allow screaming, but my kids are kind of loud. We don't "rough house" much, but I try to let them do what they want to do as long as it isn't hurting anyone else and they are having fun. No jumping on furniture or anything like that because they could get hurt badly from that.

I try to let boys be boys, but in a respectful way. I try to make sure I have outlets scheduled for them to run around and have fun. I also try to vary up their routines so that when they are doing things, it is still interesting and fun for them. Kids can be kids, but still be respectful and have manners.

My son is younger (22 months) but here is what we do:

Redirection with minor behaviors such as getting into something, especially if it is something new that we have not designated as an "off limits" item.

Praise when he listens the first time since that is hard for someone his age. We praise with hugs, high fives, verbal, or a smile.

I use 1,2,3 magic for throwing, pushing, climbing, or not listening when it is something he is aware that he shouldn't be messing with. At 3 he gets a 1 minute timeout which will change to 2 minutes in March.

I try not to say no a lot so I use off limits or gentle as alternative words.

My husband and I don't really use the same techniques and he doesn't do timeouts. But we pretty much have the same idea of what is okay to do and what is not okay.

We do "rough house" but that means tickling, climbing on the parents, we do allow running but he is younger. We do not encourage screaming at all.

He does watch some TV. He can watch one Doodlebops, which is his favorite, show a day. He tries to ask for more but I just have to say no even if it leads to a tantrum.

I am pretty consistent but he is also an easy(ier) toddler.

But....there are days when all of the above go out the window just like with any other parent. But this is what I do most of the time and it seems to work well so far.

Wow -- Thanks for posting this. I got some great ideas and was reminded of some tactics I had forgotten. My kids are a few months older than yours and I struggle with discipline. I really think you have to customize your approach to your child and use a mix of tactics. You can't just use time-out for every infraction, you have to choose your battles, etc.

I have read 1,2,3 Magic and do use that method for time-outs. My son will be 3 in March. I don't use it for everything, though. If he hits anyone he gets a time-out. If he continues to do something that we have asked him to stop (such as screaming, banging on walls, climbing on counters, etc) we will use the "count" method. He usually complies by "2".

Because me son is a very independent kid, I try really hard to let him do things himself. I find that this cuts down on the need to discipline him if he feels that he is not being told "no" all the time. We were having a problem with him coming downstairs early in the morning getting into the fridge and climbing on the kitchen counters getting into things or spilling things all over. We kept telling him "no", giving him time-outs, etc. Finally, I figured out I should talk to him about it (I'm not as bright as some of the other moms who posted -- it seems they figured this out from the beginning). It turned out he wanted to get his own breakfast. So, I have a basket of fruit out where he can reach. We put some milk in a smaller plastic container that he can pour himself, put cereal on a low shelf he can reach and leave a bowl, glass and spoon out for him. He comes down to get his own breakfast and doesn't climb on everything or go through the cabinets. It's pretty much what the other mom said about being respectful and finding a way to "yes".

I do use positive reinforcement but I try to avoid saying "good job" all the time. If you praise constantly for every little thing, kids learn to look for praise rather than to just be proud of themselves. That doesn't mean you shouldn't point out you noticed something they did especially well or if they are doing much better with something that was giving them a problem. I will tell my son things like "You did so well going to bed all by yourself last night! You should be proud of yourself." Or "You were so nice and polite when we were out today. You used all the nice words like "Please" and "Thank you"" Or "I know it's really hard to wait in line for so long, but you sang songs and played all by yourself. I really appreciate it when you're such a big boy!" I don't give blanket praise for every little thing all the time.

Rough housing is an issue for us right now. My son likes to rough house (of course) and we do rough house with him. We have to be careful to teach him to be gentle with his baby sister because he will try to wrestle with her. Our main problem right now is that when he gets together with his cousin who is the same age, they get crazy out of control with rough housing. I think they are too young to know what's too much, so I stop them and will take my son to another room to cool off. My SIL (nephew's mom) will let them fight until someone is crying or bleeding or both. She never steps in. So, I always feel like I'm punishing my son while his cousin isn't being punished. I don't intend to punish him, I just want him to calm down a little if it is getting out a hand (they are banging heads against the floor or someone is trying to push the other down stairs, etc). I haven't figured out the best way to handle this one so for now, when they are getting crazy I take my son to another room and give him something quiet to do for a few minutes (try to redirect).

Oh -- TV -- I don't limit it. If I think he's been sitting around in front of it too much I will make a point of scheduling an outing (like going to the Children's museum or something). My philosophy is that you make it more attractive if you try to take it away -- if they can only have it a little bit they will want it more. So, he can watch it whenever. I do control the programming for now since he doesn't know how to find all the cartoon channels. I plan to use parental controls when he's older to keep him out of the naughty channels or really violent stuff.

My husband and I pretty much agree on discipline. When we don't, we talk about it. We don't disagree in front of the kids. And we try to step in for each other if we notice the other is losing it and starting to yell or threaten.

I struggle with consistency. I know what I should do, but sometimes I just don't make the right choice. If I'm breastfeeding the baby and my son is banging his toy hammer on the wall and I've asked him to stop it several times, it could end with me yelling at him and snatching the toy out of his hand. I'm hoping I will get better with more practice.

1. I want to help my kids learn to make good choices for themselves, and although my kids are older now (16, 13, and 9), I remember those early days well (very exhausting) but never found the need to use time-outs or any other punishment in order to help my kids learn. If a young child is hitting or throwing, it is much easier to say, "please don't hit, or throw that car, etc., someone could get hurt", and 9 out of 10 times, my kids would listen. Kids mostly want to please their parents, and they want to learn. If they aren't listening, then there is some other need that isn't being met, and if I can figure out what that is, I can help them. Chidlren don't however, (like most of us), want to be yelled at, threatened, or forced into doing something that doesn't really make sense to them. If a child continued to say, jump on the couch after I asked him (I have 3 boys) to stop, and I didn't have the time or energy to suggest a safe alternative as another poster recommended, I would insist by gently removing the child from the couch, with a playful reminder, "no, we really can't jump here because it could break or you could get hurt." This way, my kids learned to think about the reasons for things. I don't say "no" without a good reason. I would occasionally remove a screaming child to their room, to sit with them and help them to calm down.

2. Very consistent. I have found that since I only say "no" when I am sure I have a good reason, it is easy to be consistent.

3. We are usually on the same page. Sometimes we don't see a situation in exactly the same way....like early on, he was more comfortable with more roughhousing than me, and I was more concerned about appropriate clothes for the weather/occasion than he....in these sorts of situations we would discuss and learn from each other. I came to see that boys love and need to roughhouse, and that to disrupt this too much was disrespectful, and he came to see that kids don't always know how to consider things like weather and occasion and need parental input.

4. We do allow TV, and have helped our kids to be pretty self-regulating. That means that for the most part, we did not set limits on time, which meant that some days they would watch alot, some days they wouldn't watch anything at all. As older kids, they enjoy lots of different activities, and are thoughtful about what they want to watch on TV. It wasn't always easy for me to let them watch what I though was "crap", but I think that trusting them paid off.

5. I don't really believe in praising, because I think this can interfere with kids developing their own sense of what is OK or not OK, but I will share how I feel about something, or give an enthusiastic "thanks" for helping out. We do have high expectations of our kids in terms of contributing to the family, helping with our pets, with siblings, and I do show appreciation.

6. I have learned to appreciate a certain amount of roughhousing, but I still will limit it to certain areas of the house, including outside when I feel there are safety factors involved in our smallish home.

Hi! I also recommend the 123 Magic book. I wouldn't say that I followed it perfectly, but after my two daughters, now 6 and 4, got the hang of it they really were able to handle most problems themselves without a time out. We have our time outs on a chair in the front hall, so near by, but away from the action. Sometimes, my kids will give themselves timeouts if they need to cool off! I am not a big fan personally of roughhousing, but my husband is, so, we have a little time like that with Daddy almost every day, and if they want to play rougher than I would like, we have a playroom in the basement which is entirely for them. There is an old couch they can jump on (saves the beds and all the good furniture upstairs! and they can really make a mess there without it bothering me. I admit that I'm not always consistent, and they sense that. When they start getting away with too much we just all re-adjust (like after a vacation with company.) Good luck.

Try reading the fabulous book called 1,2,3 Magic... many moms and dads on our block were using this counting/time out method successfully and highly recommended it to us. it works very well, gives the parent control over the child and it eliminates the need for most all yelling/threating...
We don't tolerate any kind of physical discipline with our children. That's completely out. But we're pretty lenient with what behaviors constitute the counting/time out: hitting, biting or anything of that sort gets an immediate time out for 2 minutes in child's room with door held shut.
But honestly the best parenting advice I've received came from our friends down the street with 4 boys... the mother told me that unless the kids are in danger of hurting themselves or someone else, keep your mouth shut! you can't run around all day long saying "no, no, no" to everything they do. that's ridiculous. plus then the value of the work "no" basically ends up meaning nothing to the child. save your "no's" for when something is really dangerous, like touching the stove or something else hot like a grill... or running in the street... things like that.
we're also very adamant about sharing with other kids and insist on it. and we count/timeout if our son doesn't share. he's actually really great at sharing and we hardly ever have an issue with it since we've insisted upon this behavior since he was one year old.
our son is completely nuts. he was walking at 9.5 months and full blown running around like a toddler at 1 year old. so you can imagine how it's been since. he's now 2 1/2 and since we've stayed consistent in every way, things go pretty well most days.
our nanny does the exact same things that we do. very important to keep that consistency. I had her read the 1,2 3 Magic book while our son was napping so that she would be on board with the whole thing.
we try to keep things quiet in the house in the mornings for our upstairs neighbors who sleep much later than our very early riser (he's usually up between 5 and 6am every day). but after 10am we pretty much let him run around the house and play. we allow TV but only nick jr. and pbs shows. and we have a supply of movies for him too.
and weather permitting we try to get in as much outdoor activity as possible every day. obviously this is harder during winter months.
hope this helps!

You're getting some great feedback (and some I find a little questionable, but hey, different strokes for different folks, I would never not praise my son for something great).

I just wanted to throw out there that for me personally, I feel like disciplining is the hardest thing to do properly in my house, and I can't say I always go about it the right way. I have a short fuse in temperament and even shorter in patience.

I don't restrict access to the TV per say, but he knows at 8pm each school night he is own his special "Matthew-time" we call it, and the TV is off. If I make an exception and let him watch something (like at Christmas time) he is reminded his bed time story will be taken away in order for him to get to sleep. Usually a sacrifice he isn't willing to make.

More than anything especially here lately I have found myself quietly reminding myself that he is just a kid and has the attention span of a poodle. If I tell him to go do something, like clean his room, and he has to walk through the house to get to his room, chances are he will get distracted either on his way there or as soon as he walks in. For me, its a matter of keeping my patience in check. I don't get to a disciplinary point until I have had to tell him a few times and have given warnings.

I also liked the "sitting on hands" one of the other moms mentioned. My son and his cousin, the only grandkids in the family right now, are like brothers and behave as such. Often in a given car ride by the time we get home they are both sitting on their hands.

As far as discipline is concerned, I'll swat him on the butt, I don't think time outs work that well and the way he carries on you'd think I shot him or something, listening to it and being driven crazy just isn't worth it. I've only ever really spanked him a few times and I don't think its really all that effective. If he is continuously doing something I asked him not to, getting in trouble at school or being disrespectful and/or sassy, talking back, I find taking away TV time, or grounding him, helps.

I've tried positive reinforcement, like "if you can do X repeatedly all week (behave at school, keep your room clean etc) you can pick out a couple of movies at Blockbuster to rent (or we can go see a movie, go to the park, whatever works for you)" but the good behavior honestly seems to only last until the objective, the incentive, is attained. I'll always praise him if he's doing something great, like the rare occasion he and his cousin play nicely, if he gets a star at school for being well behaved, etc.

I do the best I can. I'm sure it isn't perfect and I know I could improve some things personally, but we seem to make it along ok, he's good for the sitters and at school and is generally well behaved, mostly as long as I'm not around! I don't think you need to worry about emotionally shattering your kids or anything because you did something differently than the next person. And maybe you need to try a few things to get good results since every kid is different.

I must say this is very interesting....and everyone has their way of handling their children but I must say it ALL depends on the childs personality and you need to tailor your discipline to their personality...I would suggest picking up a personality book and figure out what type personality your child is....I know we discipline my two boys differently due to their different personalities....but we are very consistent...if you are not consistent you might as well not do any discipline.... yes we use time-out, yes they watch tv but also tv is a privledge and it gets taken away if they do something that warrants it, but in reality tv doesnt get watch that often especially in the summer....yes we let our boys rough house and run and scream and be kids but there are limits and we have special times for this...they are not allowed to do it whenever they want or at other peoples houses but when its time to rough house, run and scream dad and I try to do it with them then when we stop they have to stop....good family time plus teaches them there is restrictions on when to do certain things....positive reinforcement--we probably use this more than anything which is a golden key I can remember we went through a couple week span of where we got away from using PR as much and the boys' attitude and temper reflected nothing to serious but you could tell a difference...and yes yes yes we are on the same page...I know many of parents that arent and you can definately tell the children know how to play off to each parent and it doesnt take them very long to figure it out...good luck on figuring your balance but with what I read from you it sounds as if you are on the right track...

I have one girl, 5 yrs. old. I do time outs with her. What constitutes a time-out are obviously any violence, hitting, etc. She almost never does that. More of the issue with my daughter is back talking/being sassy. I will give her a warning or two and let her know, if this behavior continues there will be a time out. She is very stubborn and will fight a time out, getting up, talking, etc., etc. I try to do what I have seen works with "The Nanny". That show on TV. I try to keep putting her back, putting her back, etc. I try not to react to her negative behavior at this time or what she says. It is exasperating at times. I've explained to her though that during the time out, there is no talking. I will give her a kleenex if she needs it but talking is for afterward. Her time-outs are one minute for each year of age. I try to be consistent but sometimes I know I'm not. Her dad doesn't need to do time-outs with her but he is supportive when I'm giving her a time-out. It's only mom that gets the good and the bad. I have her apologize at the end and make sure she knows what the time-out was for. I let her watch PBS, channel 11. She used to watch Sesame Street and Barney. I've stopped letting her watch Disney Channel at night because I think that is where a lot of the bossiness/sassiness comes from. She also has movies, DVD's that she watches. I typically only do some TV in the morning a movie in the evening sometimes. She's watching Shrek III now because she isn't feeling well. Good luck!

I would have to almost completely echo Wendy on this one. I don't believe in rewards, bribes, threats, or punishments. I want motivations to be intrinsic rather than extrinsic. The only time I would do a time away is when someone needs to "cool down" including me. I try and practice discipline that directly relates to the issue. Sometimes this takes a lot more time than just doing a time out but it is really teaching rather than punishing.

I struggle with the TV issue, we limit it and I almost feel like it has become such a huge thing to my 3 year old since I limit it. My younger one is not allowed to watch at all.

Some books I have really likes are: Kids are Worth It, Unconditional Parenting, and How to Talk so Your Kids Will Listen and How to Listen so Your Kids Will Talk.

I am the mother of a 16 yr old and 11 yr old, so I can give you what has worked for me on the other side, so to speak.

1. I never used timeouts. We did use spanking and I started when my kids were very small. I had a table that was the "no" table. It had a few things on there that they could not touch. I would tell them no, and smack their hand if they touched it after I said no. The first couple of days were the hardest, but I was consistant and once they understood what no meant it was much easier. From then on, I would say no...if they didn't comply, then I'd smack their hand, leg or bottom. It does have to be hard enough to hurt, so they understand that disobeying brings pain. I mean, if they ran out into the street and didn't come back when you called...it would cause pain, right?

We didn't have just s set of things that "weren't allowed." We basically taught them that there were rules to follow. If they didn't know the rules, they weren't punished. But, once you tell them not to run in the house (something that would change as they got older and bigger), then they know and would be punished if they disobeyed.

2. and 3. We were both very consistant with our discipline and we did agree. First of all, we discussed the hows and such beforehand. But, if we ever did disagree, we never contradicted each other or disagreed in their presence. If I did something during the day, hubby would not come home and overturn what I'd done. He's talk to me about it later and we'd go from there. Sometimes, as they got older, if we talked and realized I'd maybe been too harsh or whatever, I would go back and apologize or whatever to the child. But, this is always after hubby and I discussed it and really very rarely happened. We also did not let anyone else influence our discipline....meaning, we didn't let OUR parents overule our decisions.

4. We did not own a TV until our kids were older. While we didn't set out to do this, it ended up being SO helpful. They weren't always whining for the latest thing, and they didn't pick up bad habits. Now, when they went to other peoples house, we didn't make issue of it. But, not having there at home all the time...it was just a lot easier and I think we enjoyed them a lot more. They didn't grow up feeling like they had to be entertained all the time.

5. Positive reinforcement can come in many ways. We probably did a lot of it without realizing it. Sometimes when Daddy came home, I'd tell him that my daughter did really well today and he'd give her a hug and tell her how proud he was. Sometimes I would sit down and do something with her she wanted me to do if she'd been good about playing by nicely or whatever. It wasn't always something material, but once in a while if it was a long day shopping or something and she'd been really good, I'd maybe buy her a little something. But, you have to be careful with this. What they really want is to make you happy and so I'd always let them know when they did something right.

6. "Rough housing" probably depends on the type of kids you have. I have one who has always been a quiet reader so I really didn't have to address this much with her. But, I didn't want to go to either extreme. I wanted my kids to know this was their house and they can "live" in it. But, at the same time, we all have to learn to take care of our stuff and running through the house not only makes for a disaster to happen, but someone can get hurt. Since we had no TV, I always encouraged them to get outside and play..even in the winter. Sometimes 10 minutes making snow angels is enough to keep kids for going stir crazy! I understand that if you have rough and tumble boys, this may not be enough. We usually kept their rooms where they really could 'play', but the common areas were a bit more controlled. When they were very small, they would play in the kitchen and living room...usually in a corner with some toys..but as they go older, I would designate certain areas, and certain times, when they could play kinda wildly.

One thing we always tried to keep in mind was that young kids have energy. To expect them to harness ALL the time is really frustrating to them. But, everyone need limitations. It takes some work, but once you get them set, it makes life a lot easier for you and them. And, believe it or not, when they become teenagers, it really goes a long way to helping you get through all those hormonal changes! I realized not everyone would agree with what we did. But, I can say that I really enjoyed my kids...it wasn't a perfect bed of roses, but I don't regret anything either.

I wish you the best. If you want to talk anymore about any ideas...feel free to PM me.

K.

I use time out, and it seems to work at times. My son will be 3 Jan 21. He has a corner that he stands in, and he stands there for 3 minutes. However, he doesn't go there every time he does something wrong. For example, if he makes a mess, he simply helps clean it up; if he pulls the cat's tail, I show him how to pet the cat nicely; if he throws his toys all over the floor, he picks them up. As far as hitting, I asked our pediatrician about that. He said that when he hits me, simply flick his fingers. He said that he would learn that hitting hurts, and it did eventually work. I use time out for extreme cases, like throwing toys or trying to kick, or talking back. I try to be very consistent with his discipline so he knows what to expect. his dad and I agree on discipline in front of our son, and discuss anything we need to after he goes to bed. this way, he sees that we stick together and doesn't choose sides. As far as positive reinforcement goes, I am a big supporter of that. If a child gets attention when they are being good, they won't feel like they have to be bad just to get noticed. We don't allow a lot of tv time, maybe a few hours a week. We don't do a lot of rough housing. my son and his dad play around, like my son jumping on his back and riding him like a horse, but they don't play wrestle. I hope this helped. Any other questions, feel free to ask.
R.