Tired of Being a Meanie

Instead of telling what NOT to do.....trying giving her some alternatives as how to handle it. Talk about what is appropriate, not appropriate but ALSO you have to talk about alternatives.

If you see some child throw a fit at the grocery, talk about how the child could have handled the situation differently. Give them alternatives and something to think about. NOT too young....now is the time!

One of the best suggestions that I have learned is to allow the child more choices. It gives the child a sense of empowerment in that they are involved in making the decision. As far as giving the choices, you have to give two choices that are not punitive and are okay with you when she selects one. You cannot get upset with the choice she makes. Also, make sure that the choice is not a threat. For example, instead of telling her to not do something ("no"), offer two things that she can choose to do that are both acceptable to you. This is actually a suggestion that you can use for many years through your child's development.

I know just how you feel. My 3-1/2 year old boy is doing the same things. You are not alone. I am going to try the reward jar idea given by one of the other moms and see if that works.

Save the "No's" for big things. No hitting, Don't run in the street. The rest of the time should always be positive statements instead. "You can jump on the floor, but you need to sit on the couch." "Please give that toy back" (instead of "don't steal toys").
Also, instead of yelling and chastising, get her in on the discipline by getting down on her level and using "I" statements. "I don't like it when you _____, instead you can ______" It makes me angree when you ______. Please _______". Everyone, children included, go on the deffensive when you just blame with "You always _____" or "You can't _____". Right now you are trying to shape her in to a well-disciplined human being because she wants to please people, not just "because mom says so". So, she needs concrete reasons to behave, not just reasons not to get in trouble (if that makes sense).

I agree with everyong else that you still need to discipline and that your new baby is probably one of the reasons that she is misbehaving, but remember to compliment her. Children hear so many negative comments, hear so many mad tones, and see so many annoyed faces. Find anything to compliment her on. She will thrive on praise.

Unfortunately, you will need to discipline constantly for awhile, but if you are consistent, she will soon get the picture. As soon as she misbehaves, put her in timeout- use a babybed or playpen if she is hard to keep in timeout. If you have the patience for it, just stand her in a corner and keep putting her back. The first 3 times are going to be very tough, but it will get easier after that. A minimum of 10 minutes is best. I am the mother of 3 and 2 were very very stubborn, so don't give in once you threaten punishment.
If you are out somewhere, let her know that you will go home if she misbehaves and she will be in timeout. Take practice rides- go to the store when you don't really have to, or take her to the library, park, etc and if she misbehaves, talks rudely to you, etc, immediately take her home and in timeout. She will learn very quickly!
If you do these things, she will respect you and listen. I see so many kids in stores and church and their parents just ignore their bad behavior. It makes you wonder what these parents are teaching their kids.

Maybe try a different way of thinking about it or approaching discipline. Instead of telling her "no", tell her what she can do instead. I know that seems too simple, but it seemed to help my two super energetic and wild boys.

I consistently run into the same situations as I probably did 2 years ago, but at least sometimes they know the other options and try those first.
I tell them not to jump on the couch and bed, but they can jump over blankets and pillows in a jumping course on the floor.
I tell them they can't throw balls in the house, so I made some balls for outdoors and others for indoors. The nerf balls can be rolled in the house. The others can be played with outside.
They can't bring drinks with them throughout the house. They have to keep them on the table. I have compromised a bit by allowing water in a water bottle or sippy cup for carrying into the living room. At least when it drips it will not stain now.
If they do not pick up their toys, I put them up... but within sight. They know they have been confiscated and they cannot use them for a period of time. After a few dozen of their favorite toys are taken, then they start to get the picture that they need to pick up.

I use timeouts and counting. I only count up to 3. If I get to 4 and they aren't running to do what they are requested, then they have timeout. Sometimes the timeout is just sitting on the stairs. Other times they go to their room. I don't allow anything in their room except the furniture and their clothing... no toys or television... bedrooms are for sleeping. Other times they go to take a nap. Sometimes I do bribe them a bit. If they are good at the store and listen pretty well, then I may give them a sucker when we arrive at home. If they are good for a week or a set period of time, I give them a surprise. This might be playing with bubble toys outdoors, going out to eat at their favorite restaurant, playing on gym equipment, having a friend over, going to the library or buying a new movie. They know the surprises come when they are good. Thus, when they are starting to act up, I tell them I will take away their surprise. They love surprises and they tend to straighten up really quickly. It kind of seems like bribing them, but I try to think of it as positive reinforcement.
;-)

I simply stopped saying "no". :)
Instead of No and don't I used "Lets..." and "You could try..." The more positive route. Now at 6, my son knows when I say "NO" something big is up and he better stop in his tracks because it could be danger. I still don't use No that often.
Make A rewards chart or something along those lines. If she's good she gets to put a sticker on the chart. You may have to start at if you are well be haved between breakfast and lunch, or lunch and dinner and then work your way up to a whole day. When she gets 5 stickers she gets to go somewhere fun, do something fun or get a small treat/toy. Mom's choice! (Or make it her choice!)
I also found explaining why we can't do something to be far more benifical than saying NO. We have to ride our bike with a helment because if you don't you could really hurt your head. If you choose to not wear a helment then you choose to not ride your bike.
Similar explainations work for throwing blocks and toys, climbing and jumping on furniture and hitting a sibling.
She could also be acting out to the new baby in the house. Make sure she gets her big girl time alone with each parent. No baby, no talk of baby, only big girl talk and big girl toys. :) Best of luck!

It is the terrible 2's, the terrifying 3's, the frightening 4's, the fearsome 5's, the sassy 6's, the snotty 7's, and so forth. You are not alone! I was lucky I guess, the food to the floor thing was over by 2. I just politely said "Please don't do that the first time, the second it was a firm "No" and if it looked the third attempt was going to be made I said, "Okay, you aren't hungry" and took the plate away and there was no more to eat at that meal and nothing until a small snack about 1 1/2 hours later. From there on out it was the same with everything else food and toys got the same treatment except the toy disappeared for the rest of day. Once she has established you are the boss it will get easier. I had a friend tell me I was the meanest mother on the block once. I told her I had to convince my children while they were little I was the boss because I knew by 11 they would be looking me in the eye. If they aren't convinced by 4 you are the boss you won't survive the teenage years when they are looking down at you as they mouth off, leave the house when grounded, etc.

You should read 1-2-3 magic. I also give wooden craft sticks for doing good things and once they get 10 then they get something out of the treasure chest. I try to get them to earn the treasure chest once a week.

I ask my son if he behaves this way at preschool and with his teachers. This stops the tantrum and makes him think. When he says no, I tell him that he can't behave that way with his parents.

sounds like you need some fun time together, where you just play with toys or get an ice cream cone...

my husband works, and honestly dinner time and bedtime (which is when he is with them) is not the funnest time of day. i've noticed that when we make the effort for him to take our kids bowling or do something special their relationship is more happy in general. can you take her out for lunch, a special date from preschool?

also, we made a bedtime cd with songs for each task-- brush your teeth, pajama time, lullabies, etc, and it has helped a lot to de-stress bedtime and make it fun. that way we're not the bad guys telling them STOP PLAYING AND BRUSH YOUR TEETH!!!!... the music does it in a fun way. just a random, specific thing that has helped a lot at our house.

hey girl - I have found that the 3's are definately worse than the 2's! the best way i found to handle it was to give them the ability to do more things themselves - they love to help with things by nature, so helping feed the dog, getting themselves dressed - all those things help them feel more independent. As far as discipline when they do test their limits, I made it clear to them that they were choosing their behavior - if they choose to throw their food on the floor, then they choose to clean it up and spend 3 minutes facing the wall in a timeout. I also try to always to always tell them what to do, instead of what not to do (our food stays on our plate, we expect you to talk nicely to Mama and daddy), and i also found it helps to tell them what I hear, vs what I expect to hear (I hear the words "I want", and I don't understand those words - maybe you can find another way to talk to me ...)

Good Luck - always remember - this too shall pass!

~T.
http://MamaWorksFromHome.NET
http://FamilyBenefitsLive.com

I am the mom to a 3 year old girl and a one month old girl. My 3 year old definitley has the terrible threes also. Me and my husband were just talking last night that the only thing we ever seem to do anymore is yell at her and tell her no constantly. I am trying to give her more choices and redirect her attention to other things when she is doing something wrong but sometimes that is not possible. She seems to be worse now that the new baby is here and she constantly wants to be near me and the new baby but when she is around she is jumping or throwing toys around the baby or getting in her face. Instead of yelling at her, I have been asking her to get me things like a new diaper or the baby's blanket to try and redirect her attention. It works sometimes but I do still feel like I am always being mean to her which I hate but she needs to know when she is doing something wrong.

You are definitely not alone! I am a SAHM of 2 - 3 y/o boy and 18 m/o girl. I am in the same boat you are. And at Christmas of 08 we decided to do something alittle different and it seems to have a positive impact. Being that I felt like I was focusing more on the negitive (no's - don't do that...) and not as much on the good things, we start a reward system. You can do this in many different way (chart, magnets, stickers) and we choose a penny reward jar. My son is like me and is visual and loves coins, so we took a gaterade jar and drew a line about a 1/2 inch up from the bottom and every time he did something good (potty, help with his sister, played good, ate good meal....)you name it that was good - we gave him pennies to put in his jar. Then once he earned enough pennies to fill it to the line (about 2-3 days) he got a reward. The reward varies and depending on your child it can me a monitary reward or just simple things: Toys, movie, staying up an extra 10 minutes after bed time, picking his favorite dinner/lunch, going to the movies, video game, special juice.... This has really helped him because he has a goal to reach and knows what he has to do. We have started saying A LOT less no's and a lot more yeahs and good job....we even started doing this with his preschool as well and now has awesome days!! It is a huge learning curve as they are trying to be independant. My son is a very strong willed child - so I am there with you.

I have also recently read the book "The 5 Love Languages" and they have one for kids as well. It might be that your daughter is trying to get your attention and because she doesn't know how to tell you she is acting out. My son's love language is quality time. So I know if I spend 10-15 minutes with him before I need to get some things done he will cooperate better because his "love tank" as they call it is filled. I highly recommend reading it! Good luck I hope some of the suggestions have helped and if you want more info on what we have done, just email me.
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A.

I know it seems like you are the bad guy all the time. But, trust me...I have an 18 yr old and a 13 yr old...one day you won't have to!!! Believe it or not!! If you can try to find them doing SOMETHING....any little thing good and praise them for it. It may be just putting one toy away or wiping her hands on her napkin....ANYTHING! Remember that the reason she's so good at daycare, etc is because you are hard on her at home. That's what makes her the well behaved girl she is.

Hang in there....the day will come when she "gets it" and you won't be yelling at her all day!

I've been meaning to respond to your request for the past week but just have not had the time. Trust me, if you knew how crazy my life has been, you'd understand! Anyway, I just want to recommend a couple of books that have helped me: Screamfree Parenting: The Revolutionary Approach to Raising Your Kids by Keeping Your Cool by Hal Edward Runkel, and Transforming the Difficult Child: The Nurtured Heart Approach by Howard Glasser and Jennifer Easley. I presented these books to my Sunday School class a couple weeks ago, so I have kind of a summary typed out. If you are interested, send me your email address and I will email you the outline/summary.