I Can't Believe My Son...

He is 3. Typical. Does not mean he can get away with it. I do a time out
until he is ready to do what I asked. When he agrees we then do it together.
Seems to work for my grandson. Now when I ask to pick up toys, he agrees and we do it together. Three can sometimes be a tough age. They
are all so individual. It will get better. They just like to test.

It IS just a 3 y/o thing. Keep putting him in his room & letting him scream it out. It's insane to even consider doing whatever a 3 year old tells you to do when he tells you to do it just so that he doesn't act up. You're the adult so take control. You are the Mama & as the little boy, it's his job to mind you. For a while it'll be really, really hard to deal with, but the longer you put it off the harder it will be & if you wait too long it will become impossible. Handle it now, Mama!

My 18 month old does the same thing. I try to stay on top of his behavior with 100% consistency. I use 2 forms of discipline with him and it seems to work. 2 swats and 2 minutes in his crib for time out... except for the fact that he started climbing out of his crib when I do this...UGH! But all in all, it seems to help. 2 forms of discipline and 100% consistency and explaining things to him on his level and having him look at me when I explain things to him and having him give me a hug and kisses after saying "I'm sorry"...
Good luck and hang in there!

Some people have the Terrible Two's.

Other people have Lovebug Two's... and Terrible Three's.

The REASON the word 'terrible' is in there is for a very, very good reason. It's because they are crazy making terrible times that most of us survive by the skin of our teeth, and it lasts 6-12 months.

My very biased opinion (having had LB2s & Terrible Threes) is that 3's are harder. They're more verbal / cognitively advanced and OUR expectations are higher. Both our expectations on THEM (since we've already had a year of them learning, listening, being absolute sweethearts) and our expectations on ourselves (because, really, our parenting is NOT why we skipped the terrible 2's... it's a cognitive emotional stage of independence seeking and a MILESTONE... but already having had 2 solid years of "what worked" it's easy to get cocky. And then have that all come crashing down when they hit that developmental stage.)

My mum gave me this INVALUBLE piece of advice from raising all of us (very different personality kids):

The HARDER they push away, the faster they come running back. Revel in those, because you'll have a great day, or a great week, or even a great hour or two. It's *almost* as if they're testing you to see if you REALLY love them. Really? Even if I do THIS??? Then they push away again. True for EVERY independence seeking phase; toddlers, teens, new wives/husbands/mothers. You just ride through it, and cement the bond when they come running back, so you can make it through the pushing away phase.

And from neuropsychology:

Consistancy is reeeeally key with tantrums. The MOMENT you give in, you've just reset the bar on how long the NEXT (several dozen) will last. If you give in early, they will pitch fits ALL the time, for EVERYTHING, and whine/whine/whine. If you hold out, but give in in public places... they will pitch them in public places (and at home, and when guest are around, and, and, and but ALWAYS in public). If you hold out for 30/60/90 minutes... the next couple hundred tantrums Will. Last. That. Long. It's the theory of "random reward", and it works on kids and adults. We will TRY for that random reward FAR more than for a constant reward (think gambling, think the teacher that randomly throws out candy for a right answer. How many of us would pull a lever for $8 an hour. VERY boring job. Yet people will pull levers to LOSE money, because they MIGHT make $8 an hour. If a teacher ALWAYS hands out a consistant reward, students ignore it, by and large, it's normal/expected. If *randomly* a reward pops out JOY! and all of a sudden the teacher has a VERY intent classroom.). It is NOT CONSCIOUS. It is not a ploy. It's hardwired into our brains. Our brains are trying to find the "trick". NOT our minds. As adults, we know better, but our BRAINS are hardwired to search for patterns and exploit them. ((IT DOES NOT WORK IN REVERSE. RANDOM PUNISHMENTS = RANDOM REWARD ***FOR THE BAD BEHAVIOR***. Because sometimes they DON'T get punished for it, kids/adults are faaaaar more willing to do the bad behavior; think speeding... for the reward of NOT getting punished for it sometimes. Rather ironically, in the few towns that randomly send out $100 checks to drivers going the speed limit; in addition to fining $100 for speeding... nearly no one speeds. Because everyone wants to get "caught" going the speed limit. But in most places, where one gets a ticket if they get caught speeding, most people speed. Even if it's only "a few" miles over. Because the reward is there.))

My OWN 2cents: Never get emotionally invested in an argument with a child. For 1; it shows poor grace. They have no choice but to do what we say. We win. Automatically, no matter HOW much they get angry about it. For 2: it's like getting emotionally invested in an argument with a piece of furniture. We all do it from time to time, and it's usually regrettable / makes things a lot harder on US.

you are not a bad mom. It's a phase and he's trying to see what he can get away with.

You MUST be consistent. No matter how much it hurts to hear him scream. You MUST stand your ground.

If he won't pick up his toys - fine - he loses them. Period. That's the rule in my house. If I pick it up, it's mine - to donate, list on ebay or trash. PERIOD. There is NO GETTING IT BACK. So my boys KNOW when I say "oooh is that GI JOE mine?" They RUN like their feet are on fire and pick it up. Is that XBOX controller mine?! OOOH that will fetch me a pretty penny on ebay!! YAHOO!!!

Your BF MUST be on the same page with you. PERIOD. If he can't back you up and tell his son - you will not talk to your mom that way - he needs to go. He's a BF so you aren't married to him. IF he can't man up - then boot his A$$ to the curb and tell him you need a PARTNER if he can't be that - then leave. Don't waste any more time on him. Sorry.

No means No. Not I'll think about it or ask me again 10x and I'll finally give in. No means NO. So if he asks for something - you tell him no. He whines. Tell him NO again. He screams. Tell him NO again. MY ANSWER WILL NOT CHANGE. PERIOD. If you change your mind and give in to keep him from screaming - you have lost the battle.

Bed time is bed time. Period. You don't need to yell and scream. Take a deep breath when he pushes your buttons and stand your ground. Riley. It is time to pick up toys. If he says not a good idea - you say fine. If I pick it up it is mine and you will not get it back. If he tests you - do it. If you do not follow through you have just lost the battle.

When your son starts being a brat and your BF is home. He had better step up to the plate and stop it. Again, if he doesn't - broom him sister. He might be encouraging it when you are gone..."let's see if we can get mommy mad...why don't you tell her to pick up your toys?"

We all go through phases of not liking our children. My daughter was the worst at 3 and then again at 13...urgh....deep breath. The minute you start yelling and screaming they know they have won.

Does this mean I don't yell? Unfortunately, I do. I yelled yesterday when I left the house for a conference and I asked my son to change out the laundry (which he is more than capable of doing) and it didn't get done. I was mad. I yelled. It happens.

Please don't give up. Stand your ground. This isn't about picking your battles right now. This is about his pushing buttons and wanting control...all kids go through it.

You need to have a SERIOUS talk with your BF and tell him to shape up or he's out and be serious as well. If my kids don't listen to me and Bob is around? He gets up and says "didn't your mom just tell/ask you to do something?" we are on the same page. It is MANDATORY in parenting.

My ex and I were on the same page with our daughter. You don't have to be together to be on the same page. If your boyfriend won't parent with you - kick him out. You need him on your side, not sitting on the couch watching it.

Don't worry - it's a 3 year old thing. I thought 3 was far worse than 2. However, make sure he gets consequences that stick for his behavior or it will just get worse.

I always did timeouts. For a long time my son would scream throughout the entire 3-minute timeout. So I started giving him an additional 3-minute timeout if he screamed and told him I would continue to give him 3-minute timeouts until he stopped screaming. That worked after about 4 timeouts in a row.

Also, make sure you and dad present a united front in discipline. Don't let your disciplinary style get undermined.

Good luck!

No you are not a bad Mom at all. I am assuming you share visitation with his Dad? Is he undermining your parenting in some way? Does he seem to be worse when he gets home from his visitations? Also, keep being consistent with your routine. 3 year olds know action and consequence. Also, glad to hear he screams louder when you do time outs in his room. It means he doesn't like it. When he starts acting out and throwing a tantrum put him in there to difuse it. {Hugs}

It's just a phase.. he is learning boundaries both for him and for you.. I think you have to try and NOT personalize his behavior so much.. Just try and stand your ground and not be wishy washy when it comes to things you have asked him to do. Additionally and most importantly... trying to reason with a 3 year old in adult terms will never work.... kids are kids... I can't tell you how many times I have seen and heard a parent trying to use "adult logic" on a kid.. until the child is old truly old enough to understand "reason" as such, maybe you can try and make some things a game for him.. example... say, I bet I can pick up more toys than you.... see if that spurs him on.. I think the moment a kid feels he/she has to do something, then the resistance comes.. maybe make it a household game.. ok dad and I are going to see who can pick up more toys around the house.... and have your son join in.. I would give this a try and see if it works.. also.. try and choose your battles.. since I do believe this is in part a phase.. you might be wasting your energy on getting upset for nothing. it all passes and before you know it, they are grown :) have some fun with it while you can..

my best to you and yours

Ah, my 4 year old gives my husband and I different sides too. One day he'll be an angel for me and turn into a terror as soon as my husband gets home. Other days he'll be a terror for me and as soon as daddy gets home he's an angel. He doesn't do it much anymore because he knows the rules are the same no matter who is home and he is NOT allowed to be disrespectful to either of us. My husband is better at enforcing all of the rules than I am...I think some of the rules are silly and meant to be broken at times...but we both get different sides of our kids all the time. It will pass...kiss him when he's sleeping, and watch him when he's sleeping - thats when they are the most angelic.

Sounds like you give in when he throws a fit and that you don't have immediate consequences when he misbehaves.

Never, never respond to a fit by allowing him to do what he wants and you've told him no to doing. And always have a consequence when he acts out.

I suggest that this will be more difficult for you because you have to show him that you mean business. Your boy friends size and tone of voice give him an advantage. But you can do it. Use a lower voice, direct and brief words and then follow thru with a consequence. Do this every time. Keep your cool no matter what your son does. Keep reminding your self that you're in charge and then be firm and immediate in a calm way.

I have noticed with my 5 yr old daughter, we get into a "cycle of negativity". The worse she acts, the angrier I get. Then this continues. And gets to a point where for weeks she is getting yelled at more than once every day, and/or spanked. What has really improved things is me stopping getting my buttons pushed, and not getting angry and when she acts up and does something I would have yelled at her for, instead really being patient and talking through it with her. Or hugging her or whatever. And the more positive I have acted, the better she has been. I know it's tough. But the more you're frustrated, the worse the behavior seems to be...not speaking for you - for me!

your not a bad mom, its just that he is smart and he is worth keeping:)
you just need to change the way you talk to him. BTW I think every mom has had a moment that you know you love your child but you really don't enjoy/ like them at the moment or for a period of time:)
So there are two different ways that I like to use that you could start implementing....#1 In stead of telling him what he needs to do, tell him what you are going to do. #2 Give him two choices that you would be fine with. That way he thinks he is making the decision, but you are still in charge. Here are two different examples for the same situation, you need him to clean up his toys:
#1 "Riley, I need you to put your toys in away" and he says, "That is not a good idea, mom, you do it." (which is stink'n cute BTW) Then you say "you can do it yourself, or I will help you" But don't be upset if you have to help him. Really a three year old, though sometimes will do small tasks on their own, usually will require help, and try to be a good example of how you want him to behave when you ask him to do things in future years. Be happy about helping him. But if he wants to be big and independent, usually he will want to do it on his own.
When he is about five he should be able to do direct, concise tasks all on his own. and at that time you can then say "clean it up or I will help you, and if I help you, I will be taking them and you will have to earn them back"
#2 "you can clean up your trains first or your dinosaurs first, which do you want to do first? you can also stick in,"if you do the dinos first, I will help you do the trains". that way he can practice doing the smaller one on his own and then you help with the more daunting task.
Also try to explain to dad these two different ways of talking to the kiddies, so that he can start practicing now, eventually Riley will start doing it to dad too. And so will your little girl, it is not just a two/ three year old thing. Its a smart growing up kid thing. I even use this with my 10yr old, 8yr old, 5 yr old, and 3 yr old:). It's just a smart way for parents to talk to kids so they will listen. In fact, The book I got it from is called, "How to talk so your kids will listen, how to listen so your kids will talk", Check it out if you feel like these two ideas help you.
Good luck, you can do this! Decide what you are okay with, give choices and tell him what you will do. Don't give in, you are in charge you are the mom, and deep down he really wants you to set limits so he can feel secure:)
E.

It is because he is 3. He is going to scream. You are going to have to deal with it. Eventually, he will realize that things aren't going to go his way and he will start to cooperate. It just takes time and it means you have to be consistent. You say pick up your toys, he says no you do it, you say you are going to have a time out if you don't pick up your toys (or whatever your punishment is), he says no, he gets the time out, you say pick up your toys, he says no, you say you will get a time out, and on and on. It is annoying but it is also how children learn. Or you could go the route we took...you don't want to pick up your toys then you don't get to play with them. Each toy she didn't pick up went into a trash bag to either be donated or for her to earn back with good behavior. Good luck.

Oh...and consider having dad point out that his son's behavior is inappropriate and that he needs to listen to mom. Not negotiable. He will do it or he will be punished.

My son... was a perfect Angel... until he hit 4 years old.
Then, oh my!
The things in his head and actions!

I tell him "If you don't cooperate/be nice/like I know you know how... MOMMY.... will not cooperate with you, either." Then I walk away. I also tell him "REDO that..." and he will.

I tell him if he's in a bad mood and does not want to be the boy I know he is... he can go to another room. He does. Then he comes out and apologizes... and hugs me.

Or I tell him "Where is my son? The one I see right now, is not the one I recognize..." and then, he becomes... himself. His, regular ol' nice self.

Its a challenge.
They do this with the Mommy... because they are comfortable with you. And know you, inside and out. And as my son says "Mommy, do you still love me/like me... when I am grumpy?" I always say "Yes.... but I don't like how you are behaving. You know, better. Show me..." And he does.

My son, also is the best behaved child, in his Kindergarten class. (per his Teacher).
He knows, his place.
At home, he vents. But he knows how to do it, nicely. So I remind, him of that. He knows, he can't fool me and how to express himself, nicely. Even if grumpy.

Teach your son, how to communicate, even if grumpy.
Even us PMS'ing women... can do that... through our clenched teeth!

I also tell my son/kids... "CHOOSE.... how to be...."
And I tell them, "You can have a nice Mommy or a strict/grumpy Mommy... your choice, you decide, how to act...." and that they know, better. Then I walk away. And then... see... how they correct themselves. Because, they do know how.

Sounds like my son except that this been going on FOREVER :(

My only advice, this is what we really try to stick to, is to set the ground rule ONCE. For back talk, screaming, not picking up toys etc. From that point on the next time it happens give him no warning and put him in a time out. If he screams IGNORE him. He eventually will stop! And for picking up the toys, we tell our sons when he doesn't "want" to pick them up, "Ok, but you know what happens when I pick them up" (we keep them for a few days!!)
I have tried so many methods. I feel your pain. And my son does it to me 99% and his dad 1% lol
I used to sit by his door during his timeouts and say that when he was ready to listen and be nice I'd let him out. Well that turned into a big game for him. One night I had just HAD it. It was about 7:30 at night, he had time outs all day. This time I was about to bust his behind. So I put him upstairs, came down to watch t.v. poured myself a nice glass of wine and ignored him. I never said a word. He beat on the door, he screamed, he demanded I let him out RIGHT NOW. Not until I hadn't heard a peep for about 5 minutes did I open his door.....he was asleep in bed.
(we have a child proof handle on his door knob)
From that point on if he gets a time out I do not say a word to him until he's calm. Not a word!!!! And the time outs are getting alot shorter and less frequent. It's really hard to remember and enforce the zero tolerance policy, but you have to try.
I've heard from very seasoned moms and professionals that kids will test the primary caregiver the most because they feel they can, and that they'll still be loved. AND they are pushing to find out where the boundaries are. And some they say that are SMARTER will test you to the limits of your sanity! Well my son must be a damn Einstein lol He has driven me to the brink many times. But it is getting better. The hardest part is keeping myself consistent because it can be exhausting! And I have 2 other kids so I'm not always "able" to execute punishment right away either. Getting angry, trying to talk to them just fuels their fire. As a counselor once told me if you really stick to your guns, 100% you may have a week or two of hell, constant time outs, but it will eventually work! Good luck and hang in there!

We all go through this with our kids from to time. It's a phase. He's testing you to see how much he can get away with. They will usually do this with the parent they are with most of the time. My kids do this but when their father is home, they are completely different for him. But again, they are wil me more than they are with their father. I've tried different things as well and while one thing works this one time, doesn't mean it's going to work again later. It's very frustrating. At 3 they are discovering independence and they are discovering their voice. Sometimes that's an awful combination. All we can do is be as consistent as possible and muddle through. This too shall pass.

I think 3 is a trying age. I also think that if he doesn't sass off for Dad, you should look at Dad's interactions. Does Dad let him get away with more, or less? Does Dad have a more commanding voice when he directs your son to do something? Do you have a "no-nonsense Mom voice"?

When my DD says she doesn't want to do something, I give her a consequence. "DD, if you do not pick up your blocks right now, they go into time out. It is your choice." If she doesn't pick up, I do, and she usually doesn't like it if they go away. If she's actively playing and I know we have to go somewhere I tell her "DD, in 5 minutes we have to pick up. I'm going to set a timer."

How long is he in his room? Is that time out an effective consequence or is it just a different play room? Our time out is in the kitchen where DD can't reach anything to play with.

Totally a three year old thing. My son does have his sweet moments too. I find if I get down on his level and tell him to "look at me (my eyes), go-clean-your-room". no emotion very calm but firm he will go pick a few toys up. i usually have to help him as he NEVER was one to clean up toys with out help. its annoying but for the most part he is nice he has his moments. they save it for the mom. like when friends state how nice your kids are all the time and we know better. i pointed out to friends that our kids seem to save the devil in them just for us! good luck. i would not allow the behavior towards you to continue. take him to the park do fun things but when he starts beeing a three yr old jerk take him home or if your already home time out quickly put him in there and tell him he dose not treat people like that. its never ok to be mean to just one person. but ughhh its not fun trying to teach a stubborn three yr old this!!!

I know it's hard to see your sweet baby turn into a child you don't even recognize! He's pushing the envelope to see if he can MAKE you do what he wants. But he really doesn't want to win, to be honest. He knows that you are supposed to call the shots, and it is actually very disconcerting to him to win against you. He is not confident enough to try this with your BF - that's why he's only doing it to you.

If I were you, when he refuses to pick up his toys and tells you to do it, tell him that any toy he doesn't put away, goes into time out. Then get a time out box and those toys go in the box, and he cannot play with them for at least a week. The more he doesn't do his job, the more toys he loses. When he has a fit about it, ignore him other than to say ONCE to him that when he learns to put his toys away, they won't go into time out.

Anytime he is awful to you, like you mention after coming home from the store, put him in his room. Don't let him out if he is crying. Don't stay outside of the door in the hallway - if he knows he has a captive audience, he'll just continue to act awful. If he has no one to act this way in front of, he'll give up. Then let him out of his room and expect him to give you an apology. (I know that some of our moms think it is better not to have a child apologize, but I really believe it goes a long way towards teaching good manners, and it's not too early to start at this age.)

You mention that putting him in his room makes him scream more. It shouldn't matter. The point isn't to keep him from screaming. The point is to take away from him the reason for him screaming - your attention. Negative attention is attention, just like positive attention. Only pay attention to him when he is acting appropriately. When he is being awful, off to his room he goes. That's it.

If you can take away your emotions from his behavior, so that he can't see that he upsets you, it will help. When he is being sweet and kind, give him lots of loving. After he apologizes, give him lots of loving too.

You can do this. It will get worse before it gets better, but it will get better if you are 100% consistent.

All my best,
Dawn

What is dad doing differant than you? In my house, dad is zero tolerance and strict. Mom is the one you can reason with or give that little teary pout and get out of trouble. Dad is all about the owrd no. om never says no. Well guess what? My kids are bad for me and good for dad! They respect and love him for being so strict and authoritative. Since noticing this I have tried to really step up my enforcement and consistancy. I can see it making a differance. They dont snap to attention for me yet, but it is much better.

Sometimes we unknownly teach behavior. Like all others, consistacy is most important. Giving in to the screams is a big no no. It is teaching bad behavior when you give in just to keep from hearing the screams. If he screams louder when put in his room, let him scream but don't let him out until he settles down. Afterwards sit with him and tell him you love him and talk about the bad behavior and why it isn't acceptable. Three years old is enough to learn self control. He acts up for you because he knows how to work you and not so sure he wants to find out how much dad is going to be. Most kids are like that with the parent they are with most. Maybe the room isn't a good time out place. Instead use the couch or a rug on the floor. 3 minutes time out starting when he is in the timeout spot. If he comes out, tell him it starts over and put him back in. Let him cry or scream and ignore it. Act like you can't even hear it. I laughed at my granddaughter when she was throwing fits one day and I acted like I turned off my ears telling her that I only can hear nice talk now. She was about your son's age and she would try really hard to get my attention by screaming or saying things that aren't nice. I would just say "guess you aren't talking nice because I can't hear anything when you talk" Soon she realized if she wanted me to hear, she better talk nice.

I think it's a normal thing to feel like you do sometimes.
3 is a really, really, REALLY hard age!
But, what I have found is that when I feel like this, I need to look at myself--my behavior, my tone of voice, my expectations...
Sometimes when Mom "lightens up" (while staying consistent with the rules) the child will also lighten up a bit.
Make sure you're not "expecting" this from him, are not addressing him like you "know" he will fail, etc...
Good luck. Hang tough, Mama!

Thanks for posting this. My 2 1/2 is the same way. I will be trying some of the methods that others have suggested as well.

I totally understand. I am living this myself with my 4 year old. I am praying this will pass because it is a horrible way to feel towards your own kiddo. I am seriously considering counseling either for me, him or both. I hate that no punishment or intervention seems to work. Maybe time...

Good luck. Know you are not alone.

google 1-2-3 magic and love and logic. I'm personally a love and logic fan. It doesn't have to be awful. GL!