Time Outs for a 5 Yr Old & Other Age Appropriate Punishments

I was recently referred to a site, where the doctor espouses positive discipline. There are no punishments and no time outs. Everything is explained - why time outs don't work, why kids shouldn't be punished and what is driving the behavior.

I have been putting the recommendations to use and have seen dramatic improvements in my 4 1/2 year old over the last several days. All this while my husband is out of town and it's just me, my daughter and my 16 month old.

It is really worth a try.

www.ahaparenting.com

We have never done time outs so I cannot comment on when these stop working (they made no sense to me). We did do time ins - that meant if DS was upset/mad/irrational we would sit together until he calmed down and then when he was coherent - discuss the problem.

Five year olds are old enough to reason with and reasoning is a life skill I want my son to become good at - so I reason with him. Same with negotiation - they need to learn - so I need to teach. I think the 'because mommy said so because she spoke before thinking' is a very poor excuse for a reason my son cannot do something. If there is a good reason - he is old enough to understand that (and I do use - 'because my job is to keep you safe, my job is to make sure you eat healthy food and grow up strong and healthy', etc as reasons). If there is not a reason - we change the 'rule'.

I completely disagree with the 'you can never let your kid win' approach to parenting. Isn't the goal for us to both be on the same team and both win? I do not threaten to take away his things. I can only imagine how I would feel if my husband said 'honey, I love you but you did not clean up the dishes so I am taking away your computer'. I would so much prefer a 'honey, did you have a rough day, can I help you clean up the dishes now so we can sit down and have coffee?' I assume since my son is a person, not a dog to be trained, he feels the same way.

The time out part is to reflect on the behavior, and maybe even some cooling off time and think time for the parent. I like the Jim Fey Love and Logic approach. Think consequences to inappropriate behavior. Think natural consequences. Example: Wake up late and miss the bus to school? Pay for a "taxi ride" from dad.

I reserve timeouts for times my daughter is being extremely disagreeable when we eat dinner at the table. When she's ready to talk properly, she can rejoin us. I don't even time it. She usually comes back with a new positive spirit.

So. . . won't leave the cat alone? Separate them for awhile.

Need tasks to be done? Find creative ways to address the situation. Not putting toys away? Make up a clean up song or make a game of it. He's not excused from the room until it is done. Be kind and firm. It's all in the tone of voice.

I also accommodate her version of what makes sense. Crayons on the walls? Remind her, and then cover the walls with paper for awhile. Climbing onto the counters? Try to put items the child needs (cereal bowl? cup?) in a special area for him that he can reach.

If the mood continues, I then start reflecting upon diet, sleep, activities, stress, my mood (which kids pick up on). Something may be going on. How's kindergarten going?

Best regards.

If you are waiting for a change in mood, you are right: often, the shorter 4-5 minute time out may not work every time. What I like to do in those situations is to ask the child to sit in a chair/quiet place until they are ready to come and do what is being asked of them and are able to cooperate. Some children will need us to be diligent and take them back to the chair, because they'll hop up before they are truly ready, but very often kids will use that time to take a break they didn't know they needed. I like to leave the time they spend sitting up to them. I've had a three year old take a twenty-minute break on the chair once, all of her own desire. She was that mad; but when she got up, she was ready to cooperate cheerfully. Some kids take quite a while to simmer down.

Be sure not to sabotage yourself and 'check on them' or repeatedly invite them "when you're ready". Just a simple "I see you aren't ready to do (the task/be safe/etc.). I need you to sit here until you are ready to do (task, etc.)" I give no further attention after that, unless they ask if they can get up, and then I'll just ask if they are ready to do what I'm asking.

This doesn't work for every child, but it has been helpful for me.

I'm not big on time outs at that age. If you need a break because of bad behavior then I would ask your child to stay in his room for awhile.

I do not believe in "punishments" just to make a kid suffer. I don't think they learn that way...... well they learn, but they learn to resent, and I don't think it is usually very effective.

"Punishments" should really only be consequences to your actions I think. The consequence should fit the crime. That's how it works for adults and it can work that way for kids too, so it just depends on what the child has done. I could go on, but i think you would do yourself and your child a favor if you went out and got the book "Parenting with Love and Logic" by Foster Cline and Jim Fay. That book really helped my family.

We still do time outs, but I have started taking things away. Like he lost his Wii remotes for a week, etc. Losing his remotes really worked well.

I'm a big fan of Love and Logic as well, but I do use time outs. My daughter is 4 and sometimes after I talk to her about why she had to separate herself from the group and she isn't ready, can't talk to me, snipping at me, etc. I just walk away and tell her that I'll try back again in a few minutes. I've had to do this a few times at one "sitting" and it works well. It's no skin off my back b/c I go back to what I was doing and it gives her time to cool off. Also, L and L doesn't necessarily not approve of time outs, they just call it something different and yes, the first approach is usually a logical consequence, but time out shouldn't be considered a punishment. It is just that, a time out b/c someone can't be nice, be calm, or whatever, and they need time to regroup. Even adults give themselves time outs sometimes, it's part of life skills we need to teach our kids!

Five is pretty sophisticated. My daughter is five, and I can't picture her caring about time outs. She's old enough to be reasoned with and to appreciate belongings and removal of privileges (which never had to do, but she would "get it" and be super affected by that). To be honest, we used swats when needed (rare) up until age three, and she hasn't really needed any discipline since, but the threat of taking her favorite blanket away for a night (I've only threatened it once or twice and never done it) sends her into instant compliance because she LOVES this blanket. Also, general respect and explanations work best. I feel if necessary, she would be old enough to perform a hard chore or earn back valuable things over a few days of good behavior if it came to that-she's mature enough.

You need something FIRM enough to deter him, that he is also sophisticated enough to understand. The book Back to Basics Discipline By Janet Campbell Matson is great for kids this age, it explains when time outs are most effective, when they're not, what else you can do, and attitude stuff. It's very positive and loving. Almost like a positive parenting book that doesn't remove the discipline entirely. At five a love and logic type approach is great, except for the times when it's not sufficient.

I just sent mine to their room and told them to come out when they were ready to discuss why they got sent there. That way they make up the time frame themselves, it worked well. This would not work if they have a tv or any other digital device to distract them self with, however I never minded if they were gone a while and caught reading.

Time outs never really worked well for my son. (Maybe I wasn't doing the "textbook" time out?)
What DID work for him was O. warning and then his favorite toy or lovey went on the fridge--in plain sight, but off limits.