Thoughts on Taking Kids to Funerals

This last summer my 7 year old daughters cousin died in a car accident. He was 10 years old. I struggled with letting her go to the funeral but she wanted to go. I talked with a few people about it and the conclusion we came up with is ITS LIFE and even though they are young maybe its a good idea that they know that death does happen. We took her, there were other children there also. She hadn't seen her cousin in awhile and I think she needed that closer. She now knows when I tell her to put her seatbelt on it is for a reason. I hope this doesn't sound too harsh but it is reality.

I'm sorry to hear about your loss. I think at this age, your children are more than old enough to attend. My son was 5 at his first funeral (my grandfather's) and did very well. He had a lot of questions, but that's to be expected. As you pointed out, there may be a time soon when they lose a friend or loved one, and learning to cope now will only benefit them in the future. Plus, it wouldn't hurt for you to have some support, too. :) Take care, I'll be praying for you and your family.

This is a good question and I'd like to see what more moms have to say but I can agree that it depends upon the child. As a very young child, about 6 or 7, I can remember going to my great-aunts' and uncles' funerals. I never saw the body but I was there and knew on some level what it meant. I was never disturbed by it. On the other hand, my little brother never went to any funerals as a child and when our grandmother passed away, he couldn't go to the funeral so he didn't have that closure. Even though he agrees that at the time, he couldn't handle seeing her at the funeral, he does admit that he missed out on some closure.

I think that going to a visitation is a good way for children to experience the process. It's almost like a reception, with family and friends chatting and remembering the loved one and it is less formal. Some visitations I've been to have been more celebratory than the funerals themselves.

Good luck, this is a hard subject to tackle.

In the past year, we had 4 funerals to attend. My children, 6, 8, and 11, went to 3 of them. The first was my stepsisters mother. She was like a grandmother to them. The second was my husbands father. The last was my grandmother. They had the hardest time with with their grandfather, whom they were cosest to. It's a fact of life. People pass away. I obviously would take them. The only one they didnt go to was for the wife of a family friend.

Good Morning: I think you should, as a child I did not live near my relatives so if anyone died, we did not attend the funeral. My first funeral was when I was 19 and it was for 3 people. My friend, his Dad and his nephew...I had no idea what to expect. My sister had the same question about her son who is now in 6th grade, she decided she should let him go, but she discusses with him before they go what is going to happen and what he will see...good luck! I am sure you will do fine with whatever your decide.

I think that it's important to take kids to family functions, even funerals. I come from a large Sicilian family and funerals have been part of my life since I was 8, when my grandfather who I was not very close to, died. Your family support may also be helpful to you during this difficult time. Just because they attend the funeral does not mean that they have to approach the casket, if there is a viewing, but having them there does reinforce the importance of this person in your life and in the lives of other family members. Of course, prepare them for what will happen. Let them know what will take place and what they may see. Also, let them know that it's okay if they don't feel the sadness that they see on other people's faces, but to be respectful of others feelings.

Funerals are for the living. It is a ritual that brings closure and supports the greiving process. My family is large and almost everyone brings their children of all ages to all of the funerals for our loved ones and freinds. When my oldest was 4 we had to lay to rest our uncle that was only in his 40's. He was a babysitter to my son, so they were close. I was very concerned. The funeral director arranged for anyone with young ones to come early and have their own viewing. The funeral director had some knowlege on how children react and deal with death. He explained to them that our uncle was not sleeping along with other misconceptions that children have about death that can make the experience frightening. It was so helpful the children were able to participate in the rituals that we use to lay our loved ones to rest. At one point my son put his hand up on the casket and leaned his head against it and cried. It was so touching and so obvious that he was getting closure in his own way, at age 4! I am thankful for that funeral director, it gave me the tools for helping my children deal with the deaths of loved ones that we have had to endure over the years. So any moms out there who have to deal with this, talk to your funeral director, he may have some very helpful suggestions.

I think each kid is different. My kids are younger than yours and I took two of them to their great-grandmother's funeral. I think it can give kids closure and creates that memory for them of being able to say goodbye. Talk to your kids about it and see what they say and gauge their reactions to the idea of going then make a decision. You'll know what the best thing to do is for your kids.

Good luck!

Hi T.:
I attended a funeral for a friend of mine when I was 13. Of course she was a friend who had an untimely death, 12 years old, so i was prob permitted to attend for that reason. I dont feel that i was in any way affected by attending a funeral at 13. However, at the wake, it was an open casket and I still have a clear picture, 15 years later, of how she looked lying in her casket. I would just try and explain as best you can to your children about life and death. When my 4 year olds hamster died i just told him that muffy had gone to be with Jesus, so of course he asked when she was coming back. So then i had to explain to him that once someone, or something, dies that they are not coming back. I am not sure what your beliefs are as far as death but of course you cant explain things to your 10 year the same as your 13 year old. Just keep it simple and answer any questions the best you can. I am not sure why these convos are so taboo in our society but they are and it is up to us as parents to try and teach our children the best we can about these touchy subjects.
Ok I am talking in circles, so i will just say good luck, and hope that everything works out for you, and sorry for your loss
K.

Sorry for your loss. My grandma just passed away 2 day ago and my son is 5 and we took him to the showing last night. He looked at her and was real sad, but he understands death now a lot better, which is good. I think your children are well old enough to attend, give them they opportunity to learn what happens and the rituals that come with it.

Your kids are more then old enough to attend a funeral of someone they cared about, know is the perfect time to learn some of lifes not always nice lessons. Sorry to hear about your loss.

i guess i would talkto the kids and see how they feel about it i didn't take my oldest to a funeral intill she was 15 1/2 and then she stayed out in the hallway and would not come in to the room where my aunt way layed out so i guess if they want to go let them but i would not make them good luck

From my own personal experience, I did attend my grandfather's funeral when I was 6 years old. I also went to the funeral home and saw him in his casket. I did not quite understand why he died, but I did understand that he would not be coming back. I am thankful that I did get to go to the funeral and get a chance along with my family to say good bye. It was my first funeral.

Taking the kids to a relative's funeral who isn't so close might make it easier for your children later on, like you said.

I am sorry to hear about your loss. You can't shelter them from death forever, sadly. My first funeral was when I was 8, my greatgrandmother. Then, my second was when I was 10 and a class mate was killed in a hunting accident. My daughter, who is only 2, has been to 2 funerals.

I would say that they are old enough. I went to my first funeral (of my grandpa) when I was 8 and it definitely helps to say goodbye and it also helped me to realize that he was actually gone. I guess I would probably leave it up to your kids though. If they don't want to go I wouldn't force it.

I grew up in a family with the thought that if we coudn't go with our parents-our parents just didn't go. I am very thankfull for that. We spent alot of time around people that were very sick and we always went to the funerals. By going to funerals of people that were not real close, it made it alot easier when my Grandparents and my Parents passed away.
I also did this with my children and again when they were faced with a close relative passing away I didn't have to explain about the situation when I was already feeling bad.
It's a part of life-let them experience it. You'll never be sorry.

A.

I think you should bring them. I have been attending funerals since I was 7 years old. My grandfather past away at that time. I have come to have a better understanding of the entire process as a result. Keeping in mind, each person is different, I have a step-sister who never went to funerals. She does not handle death very well at all. Death is hard on everyone in their own way, but it is reality. I would take them. My daughter was only 3 when my niece passed away at the age of 6 weeks. 4 months later, my grandma passed away. I took her to both funerals. I explained to her about death as best I could to someone of her age. I feel that funerals are a part of life, not a part that we enjoy, but we still must face them. Good Luck with your decision.

I can only talk from my experiance but I went to my first funeral when I was 5 this was of my Grandparents. Then when I was 10, in one year my family experinced 15 deaths in one year to this date I have a very good understanding of death and God I don't think it had any ill-effects on me. I do have to say it was up to us wether or not to view the body. But I think in the end you have to do what you feel is best and ask your children what they feel before and after. Good luck and I am sorry for the passing of your Great Uncle.

I think if this was someone close to them- and you don't have to take them out of school for it, then 10 & 13 is certainly old enough to attend a funeral. My Godparents kids died when I was about that age, but my parents opted not to pull us out of school- and I am sure it was just as well. On the other hand, when I lost my first child- my step son and all his friends- 16 yrs old- came to the funeral because they wanted to be there to support us. I say ask the kids what they want to do.

Hi T. (great name, btw)

I went to my first funeral when I was 5. My grandpa died. I remember my dad trying to talk to me, asking if I understood where Grandpa was, ect. And I remember saying, "yes, he's dead, he's in heaven", and thinking "of course I know where he is! I'm not stupid!" This from a 5 year old! I think kids can grasp more then we think, and you should take them. I had a friend die at age 8, and already understood the concept, although my parents did not let me attend the funeral, as it was for a child and they thought it might upset me, whereas my grandpa was old and it was more "normal" that he would die. Good luck in whatever you decide to do, but I think it's a great teaching tool.

T.

The first funeral I went to I was 8. I saw my aunts body and I knew she was dead, but I know now that I didn't fully grasp the concept. I think that 10 and 13 are fine ages to take a child to a funeral.My husbands grandmother died a few months ago and the grandchildren she lived with (ages 5, 11, and 14) were all there. I think that it helps that most funeral homes have books that children can take home that explain the many questions that children have (where did grandma go? can I go to? what is heaven? will I ever see her again? and so on. You might want to contact the funeral home ahead of time to see if they have these materials and see what they have there for children to help in the understanding of death (if this is going to be held at a funeral home, not a church). If it's being held in a church your family knows, I say take them. It it comes to the point where they no longer feel comfortable there then they can step outside and be able to deal with their emotions in a more provate manner. More than anything, ask them. They might not want to go, or they may feel strongly that they need to go. Kids can be really smart about death, and they have a lot more understanding about it than us adults sometimes realize :)

my aunt died in febuary and i understand your problem.i would talk to your kids and tell them that you would appreciate it if they went...to be there for you. i have had to go to so many funerals in my life and i want my children to know how to act and what's going to happen when they have to deal with these things. it makes talking about death a little easier if they ever have questions.

Hi T.,

I am a mom and an elementary school counselor. I think it is perfectly acceptable, and good, for a 10 and 13 year old to attend a funeral. I have been to funerals where the parents have forced young children to go up to view the body and say good bye. I don't agree with this for obvious reasons, but I believe your children are old enough to attend a funeral.
My sympathies in your loss.

K.

I think your kids are old enough to decide for themselves if they want to go or not. If they aren't sure, you could just tell them basically what goes on a funeral (a viewing, a service, etc) and let them decide. And if they decide to go, you should prep them on things they could say or things not to say or do.

My feeling is that they are old enough at that age. They need closer just like the adults aroung them. Be prepared for a lot of questions afterward. I'm soo sorry, our prayers will be with you and your family.