Kids and Funerals

I would take him and let him say goodbye. the other posts have great advice on what to say. The adult who attends his grandparents/parents/spouse funeral as the first funeral ever attended, is really a shocking experience I've seen it. They have no skills to grieve, so I think they take it even harder.

I personally would not take my five year old. I went to the funeral of a great-uncle at about five and it was many years before I got over it. Perhaps some children would be okay with it but I wasn't. Good luck, that is a hard one really since he was fairly close to the sitter.
Hugs

Rachelle,

I have always taken my daughters to funerals. I never had anyone to watch them so I took them, but I learned something along the way. They said their own goodbyes to the people they loved and were comforted, they never misbehaved, and most importantly they learned very early how to talk to the family of the deceased.

They never had the discomfort many of us have at funerals or funeral homes. They say hello and tell them how sorry they are, but its open (I'm having a difficult time explaining this), not with the what should I say feeling I personally sometimes get. Many people have come up to me later and told me how comforting the things my children said to them were. I was amazed and proud.

My daughters are 20 and 17 now and still approach a funeral in the same manner. I think teaching your children about life as life happens instead of hiding or putting things off helps them learn how to deal with the same things as adults without uncertainty.

I'm sure no matter what your brother decides, it will be the right thing for his family.

L.

Death is a part of life, and I think that it is a great thing for children to be able to say good bye. I grew up sheltered, my parents would not take me to my grandfather's funeral when I was six and it was hard for me. I did not have that "closure" and it left me very confused. We have taken our children to funerals, the most recent was for a friend of my husband, the boys were 5 and 3, they did great. We talked about it, they had questions and we answered them to the best of our ability.

Someone mentioned that a child that age would want to play, yeah they will, but is that such a bad thing? Just because someone has died, it does not mean that everyone else has. Seeing or hearing a child playing may help to remind everyone that life does go on. If this woman was babysitting, then she obviously loved children and would have wanted the presence of children at her funeral.

My grandfather passed away when I was four years old. My mom took me to the funeral. She told me that Grandpa's spirit had gone to heaven to be with God. She took me up to the casket to show me how Grandpa had left his body behind. While holding me and making sure I was secure, she let me touch my Grandpa's hand so I could feel how cold and empty hid body was. I know it sounds like it should have been traumatizing, but it actually made me understand and not fear death. Hope this helps.

So far this year I have had three funerals, and I just got back from one this weekend, and at each of them I took my son. Now my son is only 18 months so there weren't the questions that I know a four year old would have, but my cousin and Aunt who do have childen that young did still bring them. Like, I said my son is only 18 months but I know that my son will be going to any other funeral in the future. I believe that death is apart of life and that is something that he needs to learn. Being Christians my son will be told that when you die you go to be with Jesus and expalin any questions that he might have. And I also do believe that kids need to see them one last time to say good-bye. And yes he will need to play and be a kid, his parents could take turns playing with him or reading a book outside. My husband and I have agreed that if it was his family then our son is my responsability and if it is my family then he has to take care of our son.
But the bottom line is that parents need to make the decision and shouldn't be looked down no matter what is decided. But there will be questions and they will need to answer them the best they can.

My mother passed away two years ago when my children were 8 and 5. My son was very very close to his Grandma and there was absolutely no way I wanted his last memory of her to be her laying in a casket. NO WAY - Tell your brother that his son is way too young to be exposed to that. When they get older, they can make their own decisions on whether they want to attend or not, but I don't regret for one minute that I didn't allow my childeren to attend their Grandma's funeral.

Hi Rachelle -

My dad passed away 4 years ago. My sister knew she would have her boys at my dad's funeral (at the time they were 10,7,5). My sister-in-law questioned whether to take her kids (then 9,6,4).

They all went. And that was just how my dad would have wanted it - to be around the people who cared for him.

We talked to the kids before hand about what they would see and what it would be like. And how to act at a funeral. They had questions that we tried to answer as best that we could.

I think funerals are a part of life. Children need to say good-bye to loved ones too.

One thing that was really nice - my sister's boys put something special in my dad's casket. They gave him a soccer ball so he could play in heaven.

As a kid, my parents took us to funerals. And I see lots of kids at them now. I just think your brother should talk to your nephew before hand.

I have a 6 and 4 year old. When it is a person that close to them, they're going to deal with the death no matter how much you try to shelter them from it. They notice a lot more than you think...even when you're trying to hide it. I took both my kids to both my grandmother and grandfathers funeral within this past year. Both of them had a lot of questions and were afraid of other people dying, but the funerals really helped them. How well they deal with it depends a lot on how you react to it. I think it could help them to go, but even if they don't...talk to them. That's the best thing you can do to help them deal with their loss.

I would have to disagree with the others (sorry ladies) We were very recently faced with the loss of my granddaughter and soooo many kids were there... My kids also have been to others funerals at young ages. There are too many questions and kids are far too curious... Plus they need their chance to say good bye to loved ones just as we do.... Kids are far more resilliant to things than even we are. In the end this choice is your brothers, of course, this is just my opinion.....
good luck and sooo sorry for your families loss
T.

I would agree with the Moms that say to take the child. My son went to his Grandmother's funeral at an early age and he did fine with it. Death is a part of life. But be considerate of the family, limit the time that you are there, maybe go to a visitation instead of the funeral, remember that little kids have a hard time sitting still for very long, so if the family will want, quiet and calm, then a 4 year old will be disruptive.

Hello Rachelle,
I agree with you. My opionin is that 4 is to young to go to a funeral. Too scary, and not to mention, too hard to sit still and be quiet for a child that age.
Depending what type of faith your family has..............
dictates what you tell your child when someone passes on.
I am a Christian, so I told my daughter that her grandparents went to live with Jesus in Heaven, and some day we will see them again; when we are really really old.
I hope this helps. My prayers are with your nephew.
Heidi

I am sorry to hear about your nephews sitter, there are books for young kids that explain to them death, you might want to tell your brother to go to the library or barnes n noble.
Good luck
4 i think is young to bring to a funeral, I would say if its immediate family then yes but I would just explain to him about the babysitters death.

C. S.

Hi Rachelle! I was faced with a similar situation with my daughter when my great-uncle passed away last year. She was only 3 at the time, but a very intelligent little girl. We told her that he had gone to heaven, and that it was a happy place. We wouldn't be able to see him anymore, but he would always be in our hearts. We could think about all the good times we had, and that would help us from being sad. As horrible as this sounds, death is a part of life, and you'll have to address it eventually. Try to answer whatever questions they might have in a way that won't scare them. DON'T tell them that they have just gone to slep for a long time because then they won't want you to go to sleep or to go to sleep themselves. We told my daughter that God wanted to bring our uncle home because he had been sick anymore, and that he had a special job for him in heaven. I hope some of this helps! Good luck!

If you live close to the Self Esteem shop on Woodward, or online, there is a book, Dinsauers(sp) Die, or Dinosauers Death, that you can buy and read. He might not understand it all but it is a way to talk about death with young kids,there are other resources as well.The store or on-line should be able to help.
L.

Close relative, yes. Sitter, no.

I have to agree with Tammi... a funeral is for the living to have some finalization and to say their goodbyes. A 4 year old needs to do that, too. Your brother will have to do lots of explaining and answering of questions, but in the end, I truly believe that not going will make things worse. He will ask for his babysitter, and after going to the visitation/funeral, your brother can remind him of what he saw and tell him that his babysitter is now an angel watching him from the clouds (heaven, etc. whatever way his beliefs and religion wants to explain it). My father-in-law died last summer and my step-kids were on vacation with their mom in Tennessee. They are older (10 & 13) but still regret not being able to say goodbye to him. My nieces (4 & 6 at the time) still talk about Grandpa being in the bed (casket) and sleeping so pretty because he was happy to be with the angels... your nephew will have many questions for time to come, but if explained on his level, it can be an experience without too much hurt.

Hi, we had a very similar situation. Last year when our daughter was 4, we lost a neighbor that we were very, very close to. She did not go to the funeral. We just made sure she understood that Aline (the neighbor) was in heaven with God and the angels. We made sure she knew that we would not be able to see Aline anymore until we were in heaven with God many many many years from now. She was very comforted when we were telling her about heaven and was completely fine.
And recently (she's 5 now) we lost another neighbor that we were super close to. We told her that she was with Aline now, and she knew exactly what we meant. Then she proceded to tell us about the angels, God, and heaven.
Telling your nephew and explaining it and answering any questions is what I recommend. I would not take him to the funeral. At that age he likes to play and have fun and a funeral is not the place for that. It would also be very stressful for his parents at the funeral with him.
But, it's just advice :-)
K.

Hi Rachelle~
Wow, what a tough situation. I can see both sides. However, I think it depends on the kid and the relationship. In general, kids don't need the ceremony that adults need regarding death, but he needs to know that death happens (at 4? maybe not). I guess I would say to evaluate his level of understanding and if he decides to take him, make a quick trip of it. Take him early before everyone is there, let him see her and say goodbye and maybe put some token of his friendship in with her. Then take him to lunch or dinner or just dessert and talk about what happened to her, where she is now (depending on their beliefs) and what it means for him (that he can't see her right now). Kids do not have the sadness and stigma attached to death this early so it will probably just be a very matter-of-fact conversation; quick and to the point and then on with life.
I'm sorry he has to deal with this so young!
~L.

In May my grandfather died. Since everyone in the family was going to be at the funeral, (2.5 hours from home) my DD came along with us. She was 2 at the time. My cousins' boys were 1.5 and a little over 1. They were all great!

My DD knew something happened to great grandpa. Without me saying a word, she told me great grandpa was in bed sleeping and couldn't get up. It was almost eary as she said this before we told her ANYTHING! (The last she saw him was in the hospital and he was sitting up...).

Anyways, my daughter and my cousins kids did great at the funeral home. They were polite and well behaved. At one point all 3 of them were sitting on the kneeler infront of the casket and peaking in.

On the day of the burial she helped place flowers in the casket and then again throw some in when he was placed into the ground.

She doesn't appear scarred from this. She will talk about how great grandpa is still sleeping (again something SHE came up with, we never told her anything). And she knows she won't see him outside of photos.

More importantly, it meant the world to my granny and dad that my DD was there for the funeral.

I know that there are books out there to help explain dying to young children. I may take a child that age to the viewing first to see how they handle that, then after making sure that everything is explained I may consider taking a child that age to the funeral so they can say good-bye. It does all depend on the child's maturity level.

please tell your brother not to take him. I too was faced with a simular situation when my aunt passed away. I thought it would be better to expose my child to death at an early age, he was 3 years old. But within that same year my father, mother and grandmother were all to pass away also. My son is now 6 years old and daily he says mommy did you remember to tell God today that I don't want to die. And that I do not want you and daddy to die either because then I will be very sad. This is a daily issue we deal with. what an idot I was to think I was doing something good for my child. live and learn.