The First Time

(LOL at the image of father and child sprawled out on the couch with crumbs all over them.)

I really don't think you should take all of the blame for being anxiety-ridden when you don't feel that your husband is not doing things the "right" way (ie. your way).

My DH also started off feeling that he was supposed to be more of a "buddy" than a father. I would do everything I could to establish a routine with my daughter. Then on his days off, he would throw everything off, doing whatever he wanted and not what, I felt, was in the best interest of our child. Then when he went back to work, I would have to start all over again. It was very frustrating, but overall, our daughter was always fine.

Personally, I would leave out all the food you want your son to eat in a neat pile in the center of the counter. That way he's more likely to grab for that since it's within arms reach. Everything else, just let him deal. It's hard to get over the anxiety at first, but chances are, you (hopefully) didn't marry an idiot.

Good luck.

I feel for you. I also had anxiety about other people watching my daughter. I had to get over that because when she was 3 1/2 months old it was time for me to go back to work part-time. I first started out by paying the most trusted family member(husbands cousin) to watch her for 3 hours at a time. That was easier than I thought. It wasn't extremely hard until I changed my hours so that I only needed someone once a week for 3 hours. I had to let the dreaded mother-n-law watch my daughter. That was the hardest thing I've ever done. She to is all about feeding my child unhealthy foods. I'm pretty sure she didn't, but who knows.

My only advise to you is that I don't think it gets easier. You just have to tell your husband how you feel and explain to him that children should not have those types of food now or ever. Unfortunately they will at some point ask for it and it shouldn't be until then that you decide to give them.

You just have to put a little trust in your husband to take care of him alone so that you can go out on your own even if it is just to the store. Your going to need some time to yourself at some point or else you'll just get worn down.

I hope everything works out for you- once your away for a little bit and come back you'll appreciate your husband and child that much more.

I was a complete wreck the first time I went out (my daughter is 6 months old now)!! You need time to do the things you want to do. I am sure your son will be fine, a little change to the normal day to day routine will be good for him. Don't worry so much; one day of bad food, crumbs on the couch or whateve won't forever ruin your baby. Believe it or not; the time away will be good, not to mention one on one daddy time is good too! Just relax and go out and have some fun....(my rule when I go out is one phone call. so give a shout an hour or two after you leave just to calm your nerves.)

Hi D. -

Honestly, I think a lot of moms (new ones in particular) have been where you are with the whole anxiety thing about leaving the child with others. It sounds like you have gotten past leaving him with family, but for some reason, this anxiety is heightened when you leave him with his Dad. It seems to me, the minor danger of your child having a cookie or a chip while you are out may not be the entire reason you are apprehensive about leaving them together. Are you afraid that he will not be supervised appropriately or that something else potentially bad will happen with his father in particular? If not, are you afraid of losing some amount of control/stature with your child by letting go a little bit?

Although keeping your child on a schedule is very important and makes your life easier overall, you must balance this with the fact that your husband needs to have his own bonding time with your son and that your son will benefit in different ways from interacting with him when you are not around. I, too, have a little boy (almost 2) and have learned that he responds to and plays with his Dad differently than with me - both ways are so important to his growth and development. It is also important for your husband to learn to "work" the baby for himself - it may not be the same way you do it, but it is his way and should be encouraged. This doesn't mean that he shouldn't try to feed your son healthy things or put him to bed when he feels like it - explain to him that babies/toddlers really respond to routine and that there is a medical/scientific reason behind what you are asking him to do - you are not just trying to control everything. If he agrees and understands why you would like certain things to be done a certain way for the benefit of your child (and all of you - i.e. a baby who has slept well benefits the whole family!)- perhaps you will feel better about leaving to go out and enjoy yourself knowing that he is doing the right thing. L. W.

You want some honest advice? You never get over the anxiety of leaving your child in someone else's care. My children are 3 & 6 now but I never felt comfortable leaving them when they were young, not even with their dad. The more you do leave them, the easier it will get. You just have to give up some of that control and let your hsb parent. Believe me, it's not going to be the same way you do it, but all that matters is the kids and your hsb are alive at the end of the night :) My son had his tonsils out on Tues and I've been in the house all week so I decided to meet my mom for a movie. I made sure my hsb knew to give my son his pain meds @ 8pm and I came home @ 10:00 and my son was still awake and c/o pain..I was so mad. I even wrote down what time to give him his medicine. But after a while I realized it's not worth my energy to be mad and in the long run, was anyone hurt? So, get out and start having a life again. You need to have other companionship besides your hsb and baby. Good luck and it does get easier.
L.

I know it's hard but you really need to let your husband watch your son his way. Every time my husband watches our son, all I think when I get home is "why did you do that..." But you really need to let him find his own way with your son, that's how he will learn what works for him. Just because it's a different way of doing something doesn't mean it's the wrong way of doing it. And if he does make a mistake, so what. That's how we learn what not to do next time.
It's hard for us mommies to let go when we already know what does/doesn't work for our little ones. But in the long run you will be so much happier if you do let go. The first time will be hard, but just keep going out and everytime it will get easier.
And if you do come home to them passed out on the couch with chip crumbs over their mouths....take a picture! I'm sure it will give you many laughs and your son and husband will have something to remember their guys night in.
Good luck!
J.

Hi D.,

I see you've already gotten a billion responses and I know you don't need to really hear anymore. I just wanted to add that I really agree with something Christi L said:

"Let go and know that a variation in routine will help your son be more flexible and not freak out when there is an unexpected change in the routine."

I couldn't agree more. There are going to be times in your life when, well, "life" happens and your son won't be able to stick to his regular routine. Allowing this to happen will actually help him in the long run, not hurt him! If he is constantly on a rigid routine, it's true, he will freak out and will not know how to handle change. I've seen this with my friend's two little girls (ages 2 and 3 1/2) and I have to admit, I just kinda sit back and secretly think "Ahhh, I'm so glad my (20 month old) son is so laid back and can go with the flow!" We are able to have a great time, while her girls get extremely crabby and irritable if they don't get to eat or sleep on time. Life is short--allow yourself and your family to enjoy it!

I have two daughters who are only 14 months apart. I never had a chance to go out after the first one. I was so nervous to leave them both with my husband. I came to the realization that it is ok to leave, we need some time to enjoy ourselves! They need to have both mommy and daddy time and have their special things with both as well. When I came home and both the girls were in bed and everything was fine, I knew it was ok to leave them. I now go out once a week with the girls and it is the best! Remember we are all human and need some time for just us! I am in Royal Oak too, so if you ever need a night out, let me know! Have fun!!!

I think any mom can understand your anxiety. It is hard to leave your child with someone else. However it is important for you both to have time away from each other. You need the time to yourself and your son needs to know that there are other adults that can care for him...even if they don't do it the same way you would. Try and narrow your rules down to a few certain things...for example no sugary snacks or bedtime at a certain time and let whoever you are leaving your child with know you are not willing to budge on these things. Even though everyone does it different you are still the mom and are allowed to have rules, plus it will probably make you feel better. Leaving your child with another responsible adult is good for both of you...and necessary for your sanity!! Good luck and have fun!

If you can not trust the man that you married, I would start wondering why I married him! It is hard to leave your child for the first time, but you have to have time for yourself too, and it will be good bonding time for your son and his Dad! Relax and have a good time, you will survive!

If you're mostly worried that Daddy will give him too many treats, I wouldn't worry much. Everyone needs a break from the norm, from time to time. You do, in the form of going out. And so does your son. A few treats in one night are not going to destroy all chances of him growing into a fine, healthy boy. As long as he's safe, it's all good.

Your son needs time to bond with daddy and its about time they have their boys nite in! Let go and know that a variation in routine will help your son be more flexible and not freak out when there is an unexpected change in the routine. HAVE FUN!!!!!

i was this way as well, always worried if dad or grandma would do someting that i wouldn't, but after lots of stress and frustration i figured it wasn't worth fighting the small stuff. grandma never makes her nap (and with my baby you have to MAKE her nap, she won't do it on her own) and it screws up her schedule for a day or so, but, as much of a pain as it is, sometimes its worth being able to have some adult/ alone time. my point is when you have him, which is the majority of the time, things are done your way. life is not always ideal and your son will benefit from some variety in the long run and learn to adapt. i'm not a fan of junk food either, but as long as hes eating well 99% of the time, which is the impression that i get, he'll be ok with a cookie here and there. maybe buy some organic or low sugar snacks just for your hubby to give him as a special treat when your not home. then you'll be ok with it and they will be excited about giving and getting something special. keep up the good work :)

You have to let go...this is not good for your husband or your child. I am sure that your husband is able to care for your son. and I am sure that the child would enjoy some daddy time. and you need time out of the house.

Whether your child eats extra cookies or stays up a bit later is not a big deal. It is important that he spend time with his father.

Your inability to leave your child with his father is detrimental to your child your husband and your marriage. Your husband could easily get the idea that your think he is incompetent to care for his own child.

Make a date and go out withe the girls.. do that a couple of times then hire a babysitter and go out with your husband. It will get easier once you leave your child a couple of times..

D.,

I understand your anxiety and want you to know it is normal. Us Moms have our way of doing things and as much as we would like everyone else to do it our way , that just isn't realistic sometimes. I know your anxiety I had it to when my boys were younger. I felt no one could care for them like I did. But like everyone else has said. You need time away , it doesn't have to be all the time maybe once a month. When you go to the grocery store it will be easier if they are short visits at first to see how they do. The more you see it willbe ok the more comfortable you will be going away.

Hang in there I am sure everything will work out just fine.

L.

i did the same thing. but i have realized that everyone parents different and its good for the kids to have that. parents are different & thats good! about sugery snacks talk to dad mabe u can come to agreements about how much. its better for the baby to know mom & dad for who they are. not only that but you can also make your husband feel inadiquate about caring for the baby and that affects parent child bond:(

Relax and have a good time. Even if you come home and they are passed out with chip crumbs on them, they will live! Sometimes you have to let your husband learn himself and sometimes you have to let your little one have the "fun", quality time with dad. Things are never going to be exactly as we want them to be when we leave, but we still have to leave eventually! It is not healthy for us or our children for us not to leave! Good luck and God Bless!

D.,
My kids are 7 almost 10 15 and 17...... I would not know what to do without "date night"... or girls night out... yep there are the 2x a month i go away.... planned anyway... your son is young and will adjust just fine... you cant be with him all of the time no matter how hard you try.... it is good to be close (my 15 yr old is ztill mommas boy) but there needs to some kind of separation.... bed, school, friends etc... If it means you coming home to chip crumbs so be it....he is happy.... if it means you coming home to the babysitter watching tv and your son sleeping well..........
All I can really help with is that you are you (even tho a mom), but still need "mom time"... You will get used to and even come to cherish that time soon
T.