Am I Overreacting About Dad?

Hi J. B, I guess I am just here to say I know what you are going through as much as my boys love there dad they wont go to bed for him either so he has just stopped trying and lets them stay up til I get home. You really should try to get him more involved with bed time but don't think of it as teaching just ask him to help you or read the bedtime story and soon he will be able to do it alone it may sound silly but he is a guy and as much as they try they will never be mom lol. good luck I hope this helps.

I haven't read the other replies but gently I have to say that yes, I do think you are overreacting. It sounds like he did what most dads would do in a situation that is unfamiliar. That is totally a guy thing to not want to call his wife even if he was having a hard time. I doubt she really cried the whole time. Dads get very stressed when they can't comfort their babies. Men have this built in thing about protecting their women and children and it really hurts them when they feel like they fail at something very obvious such as taking care of the baby for a few hours. I am not surprised at all that he needed to go out for a drive.

It's important for dad and baby to develop their own way of doing things and it may not be exactly the same as mom and baby's way of doing things. But this will only happen if they get regular time together without you there. And really that's good for all of you. Your baby learns that she can depend on dad to take care of her and comfort her, dad learns that he can care for and enjoy being with baby when mom is not around (this is important to the dad ego), and mom gets some unworried time to herself occasionally. And it will show benefits when all of you are home too.

We were pretty careful about doing this with our first child and the result was that our son even from a pretty young age was comfortable with his daddy and we were able to divide a lot of the responsibilities without causing havoc. Our second did not get as much daddy time as a baby and we have had to work on it more later. Part of it is personality too because she is still very attached to me at 2.5. But now she can go overnight to Nana's house with daddy and her brother and be just fine without me. And it's my husband who is actually better at putting the kids to bed now!

Good luck and don't stress over this. It sounds like you have a wonderful thoughtful husband who just needs some more practice at growing into the daddy role. Give them more opportunities to be alone together, maybe try shorter times to start with. It will come. Best wishes.

This is a really tough thing. I am STILL going through this with my 2.5 year old and my 13 month old. They simply do not want dad. They want me and if i am in the room or near they scream and scream and scream when Dad tries to do anything with them, pick them up, anything.
I trust my husband completely. He may not have the tolerance that i do with the kids (ie. the screaming and whining gets to him MUCH more easily than it does me) But he would never, ever do anything to hurt them.
What we have figured out is that I am with the kids ALL THE TIME -- while he is not. He is basically a stranger to them -- even though he is around them quite often. And because they scream when he tries to do anything he would automatically figure he has done something wrong and hand the child back to me.
What we have done is have the kids spend more time with dad being hands on without me in the room or telling him how to do things. Dad takes his "turn" with the kids at night and no matter how much they scream, i HAVE to stay in bed (which is NOT easy - and i can't say that i always DO stay in bed!) and I have left them alone with dad more often. I also talk about daddy and what he is doing and saying etc.
After about 6 or 7 months of this the kids STILL scream and cry for me if I hand them off to dad and i am in the room and they STILL have a fit sometimes when dad gets them in the middle of the night but there is definite improvement. As soon as i leave the room and the initial screaming goes away they are happy and fine with dad no matter how long i am gone. Dad is also more confident that he CAN take care of the kids -- and if he finds that the screaming is just too much if i am gone (which doesn't happen anymore)... he will place the kids in their cribs, close the door, put on a set of headphones and let the kids cry until they drop off to sleep. That may sound harsh but it really has worked. the kids HAVE to learn that daddy loves them too and that even though his way is different it is OK.
So my recommendation to you would be to let go a bit. You are mama. You way will ALWAYS be best and the kids will ALWAYS respond to you better than they will to him and hearing your babies cry when KNOWING that you can do a better job and make them stop is really, really tough -- it almost physically hurts. But dad needs to figure out his own way and your little one needs to figure out that while daddy’s way is VERY different than mommy’s it is still OK and she is still safe and cared for. It will get easier -- i promise. (and think of how wonderful that 3 hours without the kids alone, shopping or whatever, will feel knowing that they are doing fine! It's heaven!)

Dear J. -
I don't give much advice on this thing, but my husband is in the Navy, and we had our first when I was 27 (due with our 4th next month!) so I felt I could offer some advice...Please don't lose confidence in him. Even with our third "scheduled" baby, I still had to be very explicit in my directions, often leaving written directions for my husband, because he just wasn't into the details. He loved the schedule we used and felt confident watching the babies, but he still had no idea where we were in the routine from one day to the next and needed a lot of direction. There were even times when he forgot to wake and feed the baby with a bottle, and then this would lead to later feedings that night, etc, but overall, what did it really hurt? Even if the baby cried for hours or slept for hours and didn't eat, it was still okay when I got home. One thing - maybe it needed a diaper change before the nap? Maybe he put her down way too soon or way too late in the cycle? All of this could be corrected with a detailed note like - I fed her at 3. At 4:30 check her diaper and change it, then try putting her down. Get her up and feed her at 6 if she's still asleep. Check her diaper again. It doesn't mean your husband's not smart or competent because he needs so many details, it just means he won't think of these things on his own because he's busy with other things. Then make yourself a note and call him at the times (or 10 minutes later) you specified on the note to make sure he's followed through and isn't having trouble. Hope this helps!
-C.

Hi J.,

My advice... please don't leave your baby alone with your husband until she's one yo or older. Your husband needs more training on how to care for a baby. He's obviously not ready.

He's also a military guy, so I'm sure he's got a lot on his plate and a lot of pressure to deal with outside of family issue.

Please get a qualified babysitter. I want you to feel relax when you go out w/out having to worry about your baby. Also your husband can use the time to take a deep breath and relax as well.

Good Luck.

L. ;-)

P.S. May your both enjoy your beautiful little girl for the next 100 years ;-)

Dad will figure it out.. he sounds patient and I'm sorry the baby had such a hard time with it. It's sad for your daughter, but she and daddy need to get into their own groove, he's not mommy. It'll work out. Let daddy put her to bed occasionally while you are home so he can ask pointers :) If you really want to make it easy for him, leave after she is in bed. I used to go grocery shopping at a 24 hr walmart after the kids were sound asleep. My son is 3 and I still call home to check up when daddy is there, and I really have no need to - they have more fun now with mommy gone ;)

You are over reacting just as all us new moms do! What I have learned is that we do need time to go have fun. Your husband and baby both made it through, it was just a little rough. Next time you leave it should be easier but unless you let him do it he will never get the hang of things and everything will be up to you. It is a learning process for everyone. He will learn, I promise!

I'm a Navy Wife and mother also. It's not an excuse that Dad might not be around as much if he's on sea duty but that would be his excuse. In general, men don't pay attention!
You need to treat him like you were leaving your daughter with a babysitter....lay everything out for him....leave him notes.....leave him with your routine. It sounds funny but its the truth. I recently went to CA for 5 days and left my husband with my 11 year old son and 7 1/2 year old daughter...I left him with a daily itinerary. Some friends laughed but at least he knew what had to happen at any given time of the day or evening. If he doesn't like being treated like the babysitter....then just be sure he's paying attention. It's all about communication! Talk, talk, talk.
Good luck. signed, I feel your pain in Uncasville

Hi J., noyou are not overreacting. I have come to learn even with the best intentions and an attentive husband MEn can still not get the bedtime routine down. Nor do they understand the concept of routine at bedtime, quiet time etc... .My husband could never put my son to bed even at 4 years old he still cannot. I tried to go out at bed time to make my husband learn how to do bedtime. I would return to an annoyed husband an awake child or a wild upset child because he was so overtired and overstimulated. Then I would have to take over and put him to bed and undo everything that was done. Either you have to try to make him understand the importance of a routine and perhaps learn a routine that works for him and your daughter. I tried both was neither worked so I always put my son to bed my husband does bathtime etc. then he has to disappear bcuz he just riles hime up. OH well. I hope yoi find a solution and good luck. But do not feel bad. I often feel my husband can not handle certain situations and sometimes I get nervous but I never second guess him or say anything in front of my son. I will usually suggested a better way to handle it when we r alone.... It will only get worse if you do not help him figure things out now! trust me.

Hi, I would have to say give Dad another try. I know when my son was a baby and I went to work for a few hours a week I had to write down a step by step instruction of feeding changing playing sleeping etc schedule... Dad's sometimes do not just 'get it' when it comes to taking care of babies and their routines. I am not sure if writing it down will work for you, but I can't say enough that you should not lose confidence in your husband. I know someone that to this day will not trust her husband with their children to a very extreme extent and I find it very sad for the Dad and the children because they will never have a special bond that could be created only when us Moms arent' around. Good Luck to you I hope it works out well.

Hello,

I think you are overreacting just a tad. :) I don't have to tell you that mom's and dad's parenting skills will differ greatly. That is not to say that dad's are not great and that mom's know all, but we tend to have a routine and schedule that we go by and the dad's just kind of go with the flow. I know how frustrating this must have been for both of you however it was a great learning experience for him. Talk with him and see what it is you both can do as a couple to get things to go more smoothly the next time around. Believe me I have gone out to come home to find my two girls wearing mismatched outfits, ate a bunch of junk food (more my older one) and my youngest is on her 4th hour of a nap! :) You can internally be like what the...but just step back and realize he has taken care of the child (children) and no one had to go to the ER. :) The not calling your cell phone for the anniversary is a little lame... maybe he is frustrated or upset by something and this was his way of "getting back" at you, I am not sure, but either way, you both can work past this and move on. Just keep encouraging your husband and of course teaching him a few things as well. Good luck.

Hi J.,
You are not alone with this struggle and I give you credit for getting out for more than an hour (something that I have yet to accomplish). My husband is the same way with our 16 month old.
What I do is tell my husband the minute the baby starts to cry to call my cell phone and I can determine what type of cry it is and I have to ask him specific questions in order to read what is going on and if I need to turn the car around and come home. It is important for you to have time to yourself and your husband needs direction from you until he understands the routine. Write it down, stick it on the fridge, whatever works. You are not over reacting, you are being a great mother. Just make it clear he must phone you to help resolve what the wee one needs at that time.
Take care.

Your daughter is only 6 months and it sounds like Dad has rarely taken care of the baby by himself so it will take some time for him to get used to the baby and her way whereas you are already comfortable doing that and have your own methods for doing things. Babies are versatile and can get used to each parent's own style of parenting although there should be some commonality to the whole thing such as when nap times are taken, respond to child when she/he needs it, etc.

Don't worry--it will be ok!

J.,

I have to say...that I was skeptical about leaving my husband home alone with my kids but you should have the confidence in them to be able to take care of your kids. You had the intial confidence to have the child with them in the first place. Not everyone has the same way of doing things and not only do you need to realize this but your child does too. Maybe his is not "Your way" but it's his own way and who's to say it isn't better or right or wrong? Believe me, I'm a wicked control freak and like to have things done my way (like the folding of the laundry or the washing of the dishes) but when it comes to raising kids and leaving the kids with the significant other, you need to have the confidence in them to be able to care for them. Not only to give them the confidence to do it but also give yourself a break and recoup from taking care of the kids. You need time off too. Hope this helps...even a little... :o)

Hi, my husband was in the Navy when we had our boys too. My hubby used to get stressed out as well. This one instance was a learning experience.

Is the baby very stuck on her routine? It sounds as though she is. Men do not always pay attention to these things as ladies do. He has now learned that it is important to stick with the schedule for now at least.

I would try this again but WRITE DOWN the schedule so he can refer to it if need be. Also, the baby was probably sensing that he was stressed out and got scared. Have you tried letting him take over while you are there? For instance on the weekend plan a time for an in home project where he has to take the baby because you are busy, be in the next room and resist the urge to come when she is crying let him handle it. If things do get crazy or if he forgets something then you can be there to remind him of what it is. Then LET HIM HANDLE IT.

When that is mastered then you can try a shopping trip that is close by. Eventually the baby will get used to things being different with Dad than they are with mom and be okay with it and then you should be able to go off for the weekend. Hubby should also have confidence. He should spend the time with his child as those deployments can be awfully long and he will miss enough as it is.

Don't worry the wrinkles will get smoothed out :) L.

Sounds like dad and baby need some bonding time...probably best in shorter bursts...not at bedtime....I wouldn't tell him this...I have watched a lot of friends and family (and myself). It is not uncommon for we women to assume the role of sole caretaker for the children right from birth, never really giving dad's the chance to truly bond and learn how to interact with infants. I tried realy hard to let my husband be responsible for my kids from the beginning, and I tried to bite my tongue and not give too much input. It is hard, but over time I felt confident in his ability to care for the kids (almost) the way I do. What you'll find as your daughter grows is that dad's care for their children in different (and not necessairly bad)ways. I've seen a lot of mom's who for years are the sole caretakers, and the dad's have very little to do with the efforts of upbringing....Those mom's seem to be very stressed and unhappy. I tried to avoid this by making my husband responsible from the start, and I can honestly say that he effectively pulls his weight, confidently and competently. The biggest point here is give him alone time and don't leave him with too many instructions..let him figure it out himself (help him a little if he asks). He needs to believe that he can care for your daughter as good as you can. She'll be fine...The other thing I have learned about kids (even older ones) is that they quickly forget after trantrums...she won't be scarred in anyway after some crying, and will love daddy even more when she learns that he is a trusted caretaker.

you're not overreacting if he's acting like he can't handle it
my husband has a hard time settling our daughter down and he'll tell me she cried the whole time i was gone and i feel bad because it it stressful when they don't calm down but i just tell him to get over it because i deal with the kids all day long when he's at work(he's gone over 10 hours)
it takes practice to get kids to settle down i'ld have him do more with her and try not to interfer when he's with her that way he gets used to dealing with her and she'll get used to him
you deserve a chance to go out and relax so don't feel bad

I would feel the same way if I was you. It's hard with dad's. You don't want to critisize them on how they care for the baby when your a way because you want them to feel confident about it, but at the same time us mom's have a way of doing things and we want things done that way when we aren't there. Next time he is going to watch the baby go over the routine with him. If he tells you he knows, tell him you want to make sure he has the routine down to avoid another meltdown.

Hi J.!
I think you asnswered your own question in your second sentence........."like all first time dads, he's just getting the hang of things". You're BOTH probably just getting the hang of things as it's all new! I strongly encourage you to strongly ENCOURAGE your husband and find something good to praise him for. Above all you don't want him to think he's totally useless and inadequate or else you will end up doing everything and the gap will only widen between dad and daughter. Now that dad's had a tough experience he might be more willing to listen as you give him pointers and info about schedules. But watch your attitude as you don't want to come through as "I told you so" or critical of his abilities....guys need building up in their "mommy/parenting" skills....it's the macho ego thing! :)Try to impart "this is an adventure, let's do it together, and support each other. And make sure he knows how much you appreciate the time out on your own! Humor always helps too!
One more thought. If he's military, this is definitely out of his comfort zone as babies rarely follow orders! He'll learn in time, but less stress on your part will help him relax more and know "this too will pass"!

I don't think you are overreacting although, you may want to leave your daughter with your husband more often for short periods of time. I used to leave my son now 7 with his father and the same thing would happen. I didn't want to leave him anymore and his father got upset and began to think that I didn't trust him. Children and their fathers need to have a bond, as I am sure you are very well aware of that. It's just hard for us mothers:)

He needs to be part of the process and be more involved. I feel terrible because my husband was a freak show when my boys were babies. Nervous Nelly I call him still. But I had to "teach" him and I had him watch me a bunch of times. Your method may not be right for him but being consistant with the baby is key. You need to be able to go out and have fun and kudos to him for not calling. My husband would have made me come home. A bit of trust and faith in dad -- we mothers have to give it away sometimes. I know it's hard to let it go but if he gives you push back on observing you then you need to remind him of that night and you want to help him so it never comes to the point it did.

Good Luck!

I feel that though you may have your own routine and in your mind the "right" way to do things, you should give your hubby some space to do things way he thinks is "right". Your daughter may cry @ first but from personal experience most kids don't like a change in routine. But if you have a routine and dad has his routine she will get used to it. Otherwise, you may never get past the driveway, wondering if dad is doing it your way. Sit down and talk to him about how he thinks it should be done and work on that....HTH

He needs to be more involved with his daughter and you need to let himlearn things. if you give up so easiyl it will be only you raising the baby!

he needs to learn how her nap schedule is and why (explained kindly or written in cute notes) so he can be left alone and know what to do.

You should also start haivng him do a Daddy & Me time as in he takes the baby out to eat with him or out to the park or mall (Saturday mornings or lunch) so he gets his quality time with her and shows her off to people too. Thsi willbe a great bonding time forthem and you will get some time to yourself (you need it too!)

You are both the parents, he will not break her and he wants to be involved..he is nervous too and if you do too much of the taking care of..he will step back and let you.

My on is 5 and I recall the time i had to leave daddy with him and he also let him cry for too long!! lol

This is the main stress of being a new parent. Mom's always know the baby best and therefore know the routine the best. I know I always felt strange leaving our daughter with her dad (my husband) in the beginning because I knew (or thought I knew) what every cry meant, exactly when she needed to be fed, etc... I would get frustrated when I came home and her diaper hadn't been changed or if she was sleeping on the couch. It takes a while for the dad's to really understand "the plan". Now, my husband knows everything and can understand why I used to get upset. Just explain to your husband that these are the things you've picked up on over time and these are the things that have worked so far and if he gets on board with the routine you'll have a much happier baby. It might take time, but he'll get the hang of it!

Well, it all sounds nomal to me J.. Your husband is going to have different parenting skills than you because 1)he isn't a woman and 2) being in the military things are done without question most of the time so bringing him down to a babies level who doens't understand those dynamics is a challenge to say the least but they will both learn to work with each other with care and compassion. I've learned that we don't have to rescue our spouses from situations. She's his daughter too and just making a few " suggestions " not demands will help his self asteem.
Usually these things don't happen on a "regular" day. Children somehow have this innate knowing of when to " turn it on and off " .
What you and your husband will have to talk about on your next anniversary will be fun :<) Memories are a joy in themselves.
Blessings to you J.. You're gonna make it honey.
From a grammy of 6 and looking forward to turning 60 this year.
Lovingly, P.

You might want to consider leaving him with the baby more often. That way, his confidence will build, and they'll get into their own groove. After all, you probably figured out a lot of stuff when you were alone with the baby. He might not do everything the way you do it, but he might find other stuff that works too. She'll probably cry because it's something new, but she'll be fine - and hopefully will also have some fun! Try shorter periods of time away and work your way up. It is good for them to build their relationship now if they want to have one in the future too.

Relax...dad just needs to figure it out a bit. No need to overanalyze, or feel no confidence in him. We all have to figure out what works for us. If your daughter is used to having you, and only you, put her to bed...it may be high time to ask your husband to start doing the routine more often. Yes your daughter has a routine, and at such a young age that is important. However, it is just as important that she build a bond with daddy. Maybe he rubs her back and reads her a book using different voices for the characters. Maybe he holds her for a bit and sings a soothing song. Ultimately this will work out, and you just need to nurture their bond and help them through this stage of their relationship.

Hi J.,
I feel for your situation. I think if you and your husband put your heads together and you make him realize you are on the same team, this will work better in the future. It did for my husband and I. We began shifting the nighttime routine together and swapping back and forth until he felt comfortable all by himself. So start slow, do your routine together, and allow your husband to add things that are fun for him. You should make the system together--not train him. I think we moms need to realize sometimes that they have good ideas, too. Even if I am at home, I leave the eyesight of my child and allow my husband to read to her and do all the nighttime routines alone. It is their bonding time. This didn't start out so easily, but now it is his favorite time of day. I think my daughter prefers my husband at night, too!! Now, I can go out to dinner with my girlfriends and know that my baby is happy. (My husband, too.) Hope this helps! D.

I understand how you feel - I've been there a time or two. About the not paying attention thing - it's a dad thing to do. No matter how much you try to get them to do things the way you do them they never will and what I've come to realize is that's not bad! You are the primary caregiver so you have more time with your little one but dad needs to find his own way with baby. This is another way for them to develop their relationship. Just because he does things different doesn't make it bad, it's just going to take him awhile to figure things out. When you're both nice and calm perhaps you could talk to him about how things went and offer some suggestions. I'm sure you don't like to be made felt that your incompetent - neither does dear dad. I could continue my rambling but I'm sure you'll have many other ramblings to read. Hope this helps.

J.,
Often times it's the breakdown in communication that is the issue. As a new mother, I found there were things that I expected my husband to just know without my telling him. And while I may have thought I knew our baby simply because I am her mother, the truth is I knew our baby because I spent all of my time learning her. Husbands are not mind readers but that doesn't mean that they're not paying attention. Take a little extra time to explain why you do what you do and he'll imitate that same behavior. If he doesn't have a frame of reference, he'll use his own discretion as to how to handle a situation. (And there's more than one way to approach the same situation and get the same outcome :)). Appreciate that your husband is sensitive to your need for downtime (however little or much that may be) and that we WANTS to do his part. Children are brilliant and your daughter will soon develop a routine with Dad that is exclusively theirs. It will be fine, I promise. Encourage Dad to keep doing what he's doing and if you feel more comfortable gradually increasing your time away, just go out for and hour and a half the next time and see how they manage without you.

Yes, don't worry. First, your daughter is probably used to the ways that you do things. It will just take time ... and more father / daughter time ... for her to get familiar with her daddy. Second, the same goes for your husband, in the same way that it's taken you time to find out what your daughter likes / dislikes your husband needs to find out what "works" between himself and his daughter. This takes time. It is also okay if your daughter cries. She is in good hands, with someone who loves her. They just need to work it out. (Let's face it also, guys always will parent diffently, that's just the way of things ... and it's OK) Plus, I feel very strongly that it's important to get a little time to yourself as an at-home mom. Keep up the good work.

Give yourself a break and your husband! When my oldest was six months old I went to my cousin's wedding shower. My husband DID call me because our daughter was inconsolable. He even thought she would pass out because she was crying so hard! The second I got home I held her she stopped screaming and passed out asleep in my arms. I hate to say it but this is not his job right now. It sounds like you are the primary caregiver and you know what she needs before she even needs it. You know everything about her, almost like she is a part of you, which she is!! However, he does not! He does not know her like you do and she knows that! Babies are very sensory and can tell when someone is stressed out-this makes them stressed out! There is nothing wrong with your husband-he just doesn't have that 6th sense that you do. He's not used to it and that's all. Don't worry, as she gets older she will get more used to him and he to her. Give it time and in the mean time thank God that you married a wonderful provider and a great dad!!
P.S. We now have 5 children and my husband is a great dad and much better at it by necessity!

well it takes men more than one three hour stint to find their parental sea legs. It was nice of him to see you needed some time off. some men need to find their own way with their kids or maybe your daugter was so upset because she was sensing his uneasiness and inexperience. these skills can be learned but you have probably spent the most bonding time with your daughter as most dads don't have those postpartum weeks off to focus solely on baby. maybe spend sometime together but let dad provide most of the care. Their are many ways of changing a diaper etc. Let him use his creative liscence. good luck, K. mother of four 13-10-7 and 10 mths

I would have a talk. calmly. Let him know that in the future if he is having problems, and the baby won't calm down, to call you no matter what. Guys sometimes it takes them longer to get it right, and don't always worry about all the things that we do. I would work with him more on the routine, get him involved more and he'll get used to it after a while...

Good luck!

D.

You need to let it go. He and the baby need to bond in their own way at their own time and you need to give them space to let that happen. When our first was born I was sooo cautious of what my husband was doing that I never let him relax enough since he felt like I was always there ready to jump in and "rescue" him or worse judge him. It sounds like he wants to be there for you and the baby...count yourself lucky! My husband is now one of the best and most involved dads that I know. Give it time...and good luck!

Hi i'm know a grandmother of 6, but i have 3 grown kids of my own, my huggy was afraid at first to watch the baby to a first, does your hubby know or can he sing or hum a tune the baby might like? Rocking and singing most of the time works!!!!!!bed time is hard but a normal routine with both mom and dad is best, if you both tuck the little one in bed,and or take turns, to the baby it will seem normal. Good luck! Mimi

Hi there-
I hope it makes you feel better to know that there are LOTS of us in the same boat. :) For the first 8 months of my son's life, my husband would ask me everything! "What do you want him to wear? What should he eat? When do you want him to go to bed? etc etc etc.... I thought to myself, "Where have you been??? Don't you pay attention!?!" But then, I figured out (with the help of other moms) ... that our hubbies just trust us so much with the kids that they feel like we've got it all under control. They know we are going to take care of things, so they don't even consider learning all the ins and outs b/c they just think we will tell them what they need to know. :) With that said, everytime I leave my son with my hubby for the day, I write him out a schedule and tips for getting through the day. Also, when he's home at night, I try to have him put Liam down to bed as much as possible, so they can both get used to the idea. It gets better, I promise! They just need time to adjust (way more than us!!) and time for their Daddy instincts to kick in.
Good luck and happy anniversary! Have a great time and just focus on how much your hubby loves your daugher, not the mistakes he makes! (ps. I am in the Navy too!)

Sounds like dad needs to spend more time with his daughter to understand her routine. your the one who has the routine down because your with her the majority of the time. But if she was with dad for longer periods of time and leave him with instructions so he doesn't feel so lost.

Hi.
I just skimmed the answers but wanted to say that we experienced this as well, and still do sometimes (ds is 22mos). I wouldn't call these "tantrums" but episodes of inconsolable crying. My sense is that, for many kids, no matter how skilled their dad is, even if he does EXACTLY what mom does, the results are still not the same. I hate evolutionary explanations usually, but they seem to often work with babies. This is how I rationalized to deal with the need for mom: Evolutionarily, babies who acted in such a way that their moms stayed nearby more often were more likely to thrive than those that were tolerant of being left alone or with others. That doesn't mean that we have to be slaves to our genes, but maybe we have to understand that when we do have to get out to take care of ourselves (or work, etc.) we know that we are fighting millions of years of evolution and that isn't always easy. This doesn't mean that I think dads should give up but that they should realize that their baby is going through a slow process of gaining trust. As he was persistent and learned as much possible about what our little one needed, it got easier and easier for my husband to be alone with our son. Deb

Hi J., A lot of dads struggle with this stuff - he's going to do it differently than you do, including not paying as much attention to the little things which might drive you crazy, but both he and your little one are going to have a better time if you let them figure it out. Is he ever the one to do the bedtime routine when you are there? If not, I might start making him a part of that so he's not only doing it when you are not around. --S. H.

It can be very hard to know that if you were home, your baby would not have been so upset for so long, I hear you and can relate. Not to say that men are oblivious, but, I make it very clear to my husband what the time (while I am out) should look like and what he should expect. I probably don't need to do this, but, I am the one who is home with her all day and because of that know what her days was like and what to expect the rest of the day. I also check in with him, not to check up on him, but to see how my two loves are doing. I don't think you are overreacting, but it definitly sounds like a communication issue. If there is ever hesitation about anything, act on it and clarify. Good luck.

Hello, J!
as always, this is just an opinion. Only you know what works in your own home!
i think Dad was right not to call you, you do deserve to have some fun! Cudos to him!

The thing is, I belive that Dad's need to work out there own routines. Think about it, did someone teach you how to do it? You learn from experience, good or bad. I know as a new Mom, it's hard to let them fumble thru without saying "here, let me" but they need to get familiar and comfortable with handling this wonderful yet seemingly incredibly fragile bundle of joy! They need to figure out what works for the "Dad & Daughter" routine. After all, Dad feels different, smells different, it makes sense she's going to react differently to him no matter how closely he follows instructions!
It think it will also help promote more of Dad's bonding with the baby to get their own little games, sounds and routines (without Mommy)down. I'm guessing that Dad will gain confidence quickly once it starts working for him!
Overreacting , maybe, but it shows you worry. Worrying means you care and that you are like the rest of us! Show faith,and just let him try and try again!

Good luck!

Hello,
Sorry you had such a bad experience! Does Dad get to sepnd a lot of time with your daughter? My husband had the same problem with my son at first, but the more time they spent together, the easier it got. Also, I have my husband put my son to bed often, so that it's not out of the ordinary when it needs to happen. I'm sure it will get easier!

Good Morning to you! Read your post and felt compelled to respond. To answer your concern, Yes. As a mother myself (children are 9 yrs and 14 yrs old) we have a tendency to want to be the Mother Bear; the nurturer of our children the sole caretaker and when things go disarray in OUR eyes we become upset, aggitated, and disgruntled. Your husband is just as much a part of your childs life as you are. Even though he didnt pay attention to the routine, I give him kudos for wanting you to have some alone time and have fun :) (Betcha he'll pay attention now) Don't loose insight of what motherhood is all about. Its about exploring, learning, and achieving with not only your child but your spouse as well. You will both have your own parenting ideals, of which you will bump heads, but give him some credit. He will learn about his daughter and her likes and dislikes crying and all! Keep up the GREAT work, sounds like you have a very loving family!

I understand that you feel your husband let you and your daughter down by letting her cry and not following her routine. I would be frustrated and upset too, but mostly because he didn't do it "my way."

Honestly, and unfortunately, the only way for him to learn how he is going to parent when you aren't around is by having some failures.

Although he should have called you, he may have been trying to take your feelings into account. After all, you've finally got some time alone to yourself and here he is, calling you to come home and rescue him. Wouldn't he look foolish if the second you got home she stopped crying or was sleeping? Then you'd be annoyed that you'd dropped everything to come home and solve a "non-crisis!"

Your daughter is also struggling with some separation anxiety. Do you stay home with her? Even though she knows Dad, you're her primary care giver and you "left" her. Don't feel guilty about leaving her! She needs to learn that you can leave and come back. Start small, just leaving the room and continuing to talk to her etc. Try having Dad take care of her alone for shorter periods of time until they get used to each other more.

Again, I think it's okay that you're upset. Talk to your husband about how you feel and ask him if you could have done anything to make his day go more smoothly. I know you said you talked him through the routine, but maybe writing it down will help. He'll probably just roll his eyes but he'll probably refer to it at least once!