17 Month Old Refusing Anything with His Daddy

This happened with my son when he was about 2 years old. The thing that worked for us was having special "daddy time" every day. My husband would take him to the park, to get some pizza, play games or fun things (WITHOUT M. around). It only took a few weeks for my son to start asking me "where is daddy?". Now he lets daddy do things for him and loves spending time together. Hope this helps!

S.,
It is very typical for a child to prefer one parent over another, even up to three-four years old. It is also very hard on both parents. The one who is preferred because it is physically and emotionally draining to be the one to do everything, and the one who gets neglected because, well they feel neglected and can't do anything to help.
The key to this is patience. You are right in saying it is just a phase, it can be short lived or a really long phase. I have studied Child Development and also have personal experience in this area. So here is my advice... and I hope it helps you.

My second daughter (Ella) was like this, she is now 4 1/2 and when she is feeling insecure she still only wants me to do things for her. We have worked so hard on this, for the same reason you want to, my husband was feeling so left out.

The first thing that I did was make it REALLY exciting when Daddy came home form work. Lots of hugs from me and anticipation leading up to that point. "Daddy is coming home soon:)" "When Daddy comes home, lets give him a...." and find something that we could do for him.
We also spent time during the day making secret things for him, like pictures or cards or love notes, and would put them on his pillow. or make treats to give to him. Which in turn I asked him to make a big deal about! And do the same things for her.

He came up with a "running hug" (back up as far as she could and run run run and jump into his arms) because it was one way she would actually hug him. He would try to hug her or ask for a hug and she would decline, but if he said,"can you give me a running hug?" she would be running and hugging within seconds.

We started alternating who would put her to bed. This was really hard for her at first and was actually more helpful if I went shopping at bed time, on his nights. Every other night we would trade. And it got easier. He actually did a different more fun routine then I did, and now she likes him to put her to bed more then me!:) (most nights) But we still take turns because I have a 2 year old, sort of starting the same thing, after our most recent move.

Another thing we do is daddy dates. They absolutely love this. I have a 6 year old daughter as well and we started this when she was about two to give me a break. She would just go run errands with him and he would make sure to do something fun like, stop by a park for ten min, or get a little treat or something. So now they take turns, I mark it on the calender whenever he takes one and then the next time it is the others turn. This has really helped the bonding and she loves to ride in his truck and spend time with him.

We have also done non-giving-in in situations where if I am busy, she can have Daddy do it or wait till I am done, (which I can always look busy even if I am not). You can tell him that he can do it or Daddy can do it. This helps encourage autonomy too. These are hard at first with lots of tears, but once she realized that I wasn't going to help her, it got easier.

It is great for you to have a night out weekly. He will like Dad more when he spends more time with him. So if you were to make their time more frequent, it would only help them get closer and for him to trust his daddy more.

I think most important is, once you decide what kind of things Dad is going to do, you don't give in. It may take a while but if you stay consistent and positive, he will come around. It is a hard situation, but he will come though with lots of encouragement and support from you and unconditional love from dad.

Good luck,
E.

My 14 month old just started doing the same thing. He's such a mama's boy! He doesn't ever want to go to Dad, unless it's something super fun, like going outside to see the cats roaming around. So that's what Dad does with him. He can't do anything else! (Which is going to be very hard when our second baby comes in 3 weeks!) But I know it is a phase....daddy's girls, and mama's boys. It's true. I have learned it's just part of their development as they grow. That's why little girls say they are going to grow up to marry their dads and boys think they are going to marry their moms. Kinda funny that it starts at such an ealy age!

Phases like this are perfectly normal. All three of my children have gone through mommy preference stages and daddy preference stages. Currently, my two year old is in a mommy stage and freaks sometimes when daddy just looks her direction. We just ride it through. When my children are in a daddy stage, I react positively...I say, "Oh, you have such a good daddy!" Things like that... Taking it personally doesn't do anyone any good and can be downright depressing. I didn't have my father much in my own life, so I like to see my children preferring their daddy to me not as a personal attack or that I'm somehow not good enough, etc., but I like to see that they have a daddy and how neat and lucky they are to be in a daddy preference stage. I believe that because I react positively to these times, they pass quickly and my children feel secure around both of us. Sometimes it does get to me, but I vent my hurt feelings to a friend rather than showing it to my husband or child/children. I respect their stage and don't try to change or control it. They love us both and have no fear in saying who they prefer to sit by out at a restaurant (the older two) for example. I love that...I love that my children are comfortable around us to where they don't feel the pressure or guilt to try to please both of us...after all, they are just children.

Does your 17 month old have any time alone with his dad? My friend and his wife were having problems with their son not wanting to be with his dad and she started going to work out 3 nights a week and she has a home business that has meeting out of the house twice a month. Twice a month she has meetings and when she started going to work out 3 times a week it was a little rough but now their son does everything with both of them. All it took was a little alone time (bonding time) with daddy to get him to come around. Good luck.

Hi there, allot of times children go through phases like this ,but this really sounds extreme, try to spend time together as a family while you are around let your husband interact with him.
Maybe something happened between them that you do not know of and it scared your son I have a son too and he has always adored his dad, he did go through a clingy phase but nothing this severe.Your son sounds afraid of his dad or maybe it is just bad seperation anxiety.

Hi-
I don't really have any advice - just support. The same thing happened with our son (now 3) at around the same age. My husband was so hurt, and thought he was the only one. Just remind your husband that this is a normal stage, and will go away. Our son and his dad are now best friends and do everything together. Just hang in there:)!

My daughter did that for a while with my husband. Just be patient and it will work out. My husband tries to take Maggie once a week for fun things with just the two of them. Like swimming at the rec center or going to play at a park. It is usually while I am volunteering in my older son's class and am out of the house so I am not an option. If it becomes a regular thing for you to be out of the picture once a week or so he will change his tune! Also...Maggie is almost three and has gone in and out of that phase several times.

C.

My post is based on some assumptions, so take it with a grain of salt. This is normal, although it doesn't make it any easier on your husband. First of all, let your son know that there is no hitting. Also, tell him to use his words instead of screaming. Which, this may be part of the problem. He is just learning to talk so communication can be frustrating. Since you are the SAHM, you and your son communicate well. But your husband probably isn't part of that communication, so it is frustrating for the two of them to communicate. It is time you gave your son and husband some alone time to work it out. Your son knows he can rely upon you. You need to be out of the equation so he can build a relationship with his father. What's great about this is that you get some time to yourself. Also, tell your husband to not take it personally. And, let your husband and son work it out THEIR way. It may not be the way YOU would do it --- but you've got to give up some control so your husband can be the father. That's difficult because men don't do it "right" --- the way we do it. But the important part is that he wants to be involved. Your son will come around.

S.,
My daughter went through this phase around 19 months, and is just starting to get over it! She would scream like he was beating her if he came near her. Or she would yell "no dada, Mama!" My husband started to feel horrible and made comments that his own daughter hated him. I know she loves him, but it was just a phase. I told him it was a phase, but I don't think he thought I was for real. Then I found on the internet an old clip from that show, "dinosaurs" where the baby dinosaur always bangs his dad on the head and shouts "not the mama" My husband laughed until he almost cried when I showed him that. He realized it wasn't him, or even our daughter, but that most children act this way. It helped him get through the next several months and not take it so seriously.

let your husband babysit on a regular basis. you go have fun for 2-5 hours.

I had a similar issue with by oldest, and it continued for many years. He and his dad are much closer now, mainly due to his dad helping him with sports. I recommend scheduling consistent one on one time between them where either they go somewhere and have fun together, or you leave while they stay home. Your husband could throw or roll him a soft ball, go to the park, go for a walk or go out for an ice cream. Doing fun things one on one with daddy with help him see daddy as a special, fun playmate, and he'll come to love him.

My daughter did this too. She would get angry if my husband was even in the same room with her. It was really hard on my husband, particularly because he is really, really good with kids. She got over it at about 2 - 2 1/2 years old (I know that's a long ways away), and now they are very close. My daughter was always very fearful as a baby and I think that was the cause of her not liking Dad; Mom was her security and Dad was a threat. See if anything has changed in your lives or routine that may be causing his insecurity.

After having 5 "daddy's little girls" it was quite a change to have a son who is very much a mama's boy. He is now 2 1/2 and has only been happy to be left with his dad for the past month or so. I have pulled out of the driveway with my son screaming and running after me. He stopped saying dad until this past month as well. My husband would bribe him with treats if he would said "dad". My son would look at him, smile, and say mama. In some ways it was pretty cute as all my girls said dada long before they said mama. It is a phase and it will pass. Sometimes it takes longer than others. I would highly recommend you encourage them to spend time together, leave them at home while you shop and send them to the park. Sometimes it is just separation anxiety from mom and that too will pass. It is hard for dad, but just remind him that his son does love him, and there will come a day when dad is suddenly more interesting than mom. Good luck.

Have Daddy sit on the floor and do things he knows your son likes to do. Don't have him look at your son, but continue playing. Pretty soon, baby will go over and see what is going on, and maybe forget all about his attitude. Then Dad can include him as if things were normal. If he screams when Dad picks him up, have Dad scream back (in a playful tone)and watch the reaction. Then firmness may be the next step while talking quietly to his son. I found that ignoring things for a time will correct most of the attitude. Just have fun without him, and he'll come around! Kids can't stand to be left out, and pretty soon, he'll forget he doesn't "like" Daddy!

PHASE PHASE PHASE! :) It's not just a boy/mommy thing either, my daughter does it with me too. She started around 18 months and is now 24 months. It's not as severe but she still does it. My husband felt so bad he would actually cry, but I kept reminding him that it's just a phase. It's particularly bad if we are both trying to do something, like her bedtime routine. If I'm in the room she wants me to do everything, but if I'm nowhere to be found she's fine with him doing everything. Last night she actually took the book from my hand and handed it to daddy. Remind your husband not to take anything personally, they're just trying figure out their confusing little worlds. Good luck!

Hi S.,
Yes it is a phase and it will pass, but you need to just step out of the room and let it take its course.You could try letting daddy take him for a few hours to the park with out you, or you could go to the store and leave them too alone so they can bond alittle more. I hope this helps and gl