Tell Son Why Divorced Dad (Me) Cannot Call Him Anymore to Say Goodnight?

That's really awful that she is doing that. I just don't understand why adults have to dump their baggage on their kids. I probably would not tell him its because of his mother, might be better to tell him the judge told you you couldn't call him but you would really love to do it if you could.

I think you have it right on to tell him the truth. Have him ask his mom if he can call you instead.

This kind of thing breaks my heart. I hope you fight for more time with him. He deserves much more time with his loving, caring, emotionally balanced father. I would be so angered by this that I would show up each evening to say goodnight. I can't imagine being told I cannot contact my son. I'm so sorry you are going through this.

I would say because the judge thinks that when you are with mom, It's her turn say goodnight, I love you and when you are with dad, it's dads turn to say Goodnight, I love you. But since I can't be there or call, everynight, at bedtime, I'm going to say it, while I'm looking at the moon. So, everynight, you look at the moon, you will know that I am thinking about you and that I love you to the moon and back. You could also buy him a snuggie or a soft blankie, or something that is from you that he can sleep with.

Say, "I'm sorry, son, but the judge says I can't call you every night." And then I'd take him to build a bear and get a bear of his choice with a voice recording so he can hear you say, "I love you, good night" every night anyway, even if it's recorded.

Also, I would find out if the prohibition is just you calling him or him calling you. Can he still call you whenever? We never told the kids they couldn't call their mom (unless it was way too late at night - we encouraged them to call in the morning instead).

I think you also need to look into Parental Alienation.

Tell him that mom and dad went to court and that the judge said you could only call 4 nights a month but that you will send him goodnight wishes through the air and that you will always love him. Make the judge the bad guy instead of saying something negative about mom.

why would the judge do such a thing?? that's truly horrible and unless there's a legitimate reason that we're not clued in on, i think you should get yourself a better attorney to fight for your rights. especially if she has emotional problems, your son shouldn't be kept from you.

having said that, do not under any circumstances say anything bad about your ex. even if your ex is crazy, manipulative, etc., she's still your son's mom and to bad mouth her is only going to confuse and alienate your young son who undoubtedly loves BOTH of you and will only feel torn as to who to be loyal to.

finally, until you can get another judge to hear your case, how about those books from hallmark where you can record your voice reading the story? at the end of the story, you can say "good night ____, i love you" so he'll have your voice with him whenever he wants/needs to hear it.

so sorry you have to go through this. i don't think i coudl survive if i didn't hear my son's voice and hold him every single day. best of luck,

Here's what you may not know, understand, accept, or be telling us. My brother had to stop telling his son that he missed him, that he wished he could be with him, and all the other drama and emotional guilt my brother heaped on his son. My poor nephew was starting to manifest inappropriate behavior in school 'cause he didn't understand any of what was going on (he was 6 at the time of the separation).

If your son ever wants to talk about the divorce, you could explain that sometimes two people who care about each other find that its better for everyone if they move into a different phase in their lives. And that may mean living apart. Reassure him you will always be his dad, always be thinking of him, always want what is best for him and his future. You would do this even if you were still with his mom and he was having any kind of self-doubt or other issues in his life. You do NOT go into his mother's mental state. MY SIL was on depression meds after the death of her father due to cancer. She was his primary caregiver. Its ridiculous to hear my nephew's grandfather (my Dad) call my nephew's mother 'crazy', which is what he hears my brother saying. I pray my nephew doesn't one day call his mother crazy. Mental illness is serious sh*t; not something to stir up drama with or to try to get your way in court.

Be the best person you can be. Take care.

Why not ask the mom if he can call you if he feels a need and you can reply with "you can call M. any night you want to and I'd love to hear your voice." ?
IDK that stinks.
I wonder why the courts would allow that=( My ex gets my daughter Thursday nights at 7pm and sat at 7pm through monday and I would never disallow him from calling or her calling him as long as its reasonable and for the bennefit of my daughter

That is horrible. I'm so sorry. I think you just say (if he asks) that things have changed and sometimes we can't always do the things we want to do, but that you're always thinking of him and sending him "goodnight" vibes.

Have you considered getting one of those recordable Hallmark books? You basically record yourself reading the book and your voice plays as the kid turns the pages. You could also get him a special stuffed animal and put your cologne on it (or sleep with it yourself for a few days so it gets your natural smell). It would be cool if you could figure out a way to send messages back and forth -- maybe get him a sketchbook he can draw in about what's he's done that day and bring it to your house? Just trying to think of ways you could feel connected to each other while you're apart. Will your ex hang a picture of you and your son together in his room?

Maybe get him a voice recorder, read a favorite bedtime story into it and end with a Goodnight, I love you. Give it to him to listen to when he wants to. I wouldn't tell him that it's "because your mom is not letting M.". That, I believe will backfire on you, especially if she has emotional problems. If she sees you trying to make her look bad, she will reciprocate. Not good for anyone involved, especially your son.
I'm sorry for your situation. It's always hardest on the child when the parents refuse to do what is in their best interest J. in the name of spite.
Good luck!

Can you give him one of those books that records your voice? And say it on there. I would just tell him that right now you are unable to call him. Please do not say because your mom won't let me or the judge won't let me. He is young and will not understand what any of that means.

I am a child from divorce and the one thing I am thankful for is that my parents never said anything bad about the other (and they both had reasons to do so). Do your best to always let your son know he is loved by you no matter what. That is what you want him to remember when he grows up, not you bad mouthing his mom or her family. She will always be his mother and his relationship with her will always be different than yours.

Never, ever badmouth his mother. No matter how much your tongue bleeds you HAVE to take the high road. Don't bring his mother into it at all. Don't even tell him to ask him mother because she'll put it right back on you to make you look bad. Instead, get your lawyer to fix this in court, assuming you're not leaving out any hinky, sleazy details pertinent as to why your son's mother would have valid reasons to limit your visitation. If you can't get the bed time phone calls, then try to get them established for earlier in the evening and see if the boy's mother will agree to that. If she does, then you can tell him that "We decided to have our phone call earlier in the evening so it wouldn't disrupt your bed time routine."

You need to get over it.

This is what happens after a divorce. One parent gets the child and the other doesn't. The one who doesn't needs to back away and realize that he cannot continue to insert himself into the ex's life.

Life moves on. You're just doing this as some type of divorced-persons-i'm-gonna-getthelastslaponyou arguments.

How come you don't call him every morning. Surely you used to say "good morning, sport"?

How come you don't call him in the afternoons? Certainly you used to ask him how school was at dinner?

Let it go.

No. Don't talk negatively about his mom in front of him. You don't want him hating her, even if you hate her or what she's done at the moment.

My thought: Get one of those 'read aloud books' at Hallmark. Read the book to him. You record your voice. So long as Mom doesn't throw the book away, I don't see why the boy couldn't have 'dad read a book to him' every night before bed.

He's too young for an "open" discussion. For his own development and sense of security, he needs to trust in the arrangements being made for him.

You may not be "looking for alternatives", but what about giving him one of those picture frames that you can record a message into, when you tell him? He won't hear it through the phone each night, but instead, he can hear your voice tell him you love him any time, by pressing the button on the picture, beside his bed. Then have him record one for you, too.

I KNOW. It's not the same. Just looking for something to help ease the transition.

Sorry you're going through this.

Get a bear and send it to him with your voice. He can play it over and over and know that you are near him.

If he does ask, tell him the judge and the courts made the decision.

Keep a log of what is happening and maybe you can get him back. But you will have to have a good firm paper trail to do so. Can you have her evaluated to see if she is "fit" to have custody? Has she ever spent time in the hospital for her "emotions"? They are questions but another angle to look at. My grandson's mother is bi-polar, manic and narccistic. A mouthful. Anyway she did "check" herself into the hospital a couple of times so there is a file of her "emotional" well being.

My hopes are that all will work out and you will have your talks with your son once again soon.

The other S.

I don't know why the judge would not allow you (or the mother), unless you are calling many times at night or at an awful time.
But if nothing of this above, it really sucks.
In many cases is the other way around, the mom has to push the dad to be around more after a divorce, which is awful too.
Anyway, I was going to advice the same as many moms have, a recorder.
Could it be a stuff animal or a book.
DO NOT TALK BAD ABOUT THE MOM, I know is tempting but he is too young to understand, and you will only hurt him, and make things worst.
It sucks to have to be the caring adult in this kind of situacions but you love your son above of how much you could dislike his mom, so keep in mind that, you are not making "her" a favor, you are making things easier for your son.
Keep it simple with your answer: "I want to call you, I always think on you, I am not able to call you every night like I use to, but I am working on this to change, in the mean time, here is _____, I did it for you, to remind you I love you, I care about you. IF for any reason you can't "find it" (lets say mom takes it away, DON"T say this of course) don't worry, we can have a secret way to say I love you, every night at at __pm, close your eyes for second, picture my face, and say good night. I will be doing the same thing every night"
Write him letters for those nights, write "good night son" and something about that day. Give them to him next time you see him.
Buy gummy bears for every good night (or other healty option, lol) and eat them together when you see him next and hug for each of those nights.
Don't worry dad, is so many ways you can find to grow a different bond with your little one, try (I know this is hard) to be on good terms with your ex, fo your son, fake it if you have to (preferably not, but I mean, if she is that way).
I told my MIL once, NOBODY can make somebody stop loving you besides your self, gulp, so true.

You are in your own world of hurt. I do not in any way negate that pain. I wouldn't want however, for you to put that on your son. So insted of the knee jerk, "Your mom's not letting me..." or worse (cause I can think of a few "nice" comments that would be better) I would simply write him a letter, draw him a picture or something and let him take that with him and say OK...I can't call you at night...but hold this close and it's like I'm saying it to you. If he asks, just tell him you can't cause his mom is there to tell him that. Then leave it.

I know it's rough. I went through something similar the first time I had to send my kids away after my divorce. It truly DOES get easier.

Sending nothing but good thoughts your way.

Don't diss your child's mom. Obviously.

Can you go back to the judge and get the order changed. It sounds completely ridiculous. Could there be a time-limit on the calls instead of a limit to how many? Like you can call every night, but only for 10 minutes? The only reason I can think that a judge would allow this would be Mom either saying that her son ends up spending the whole night on the phone with you, or that you're being critical of Mom to your son. Both of those can be changed to make your child happy. I would absolutely go back through the courts.

Good luck.

I am sorry you are having this problem. I am not divorced. I am married so I am not in your shoes however. This is what I think....It sounds like you ex wife is mad and bitter. Could you make the situation between the two of you better in some ways. This doesnt mean blaming yourself for what went wrong.
Maybe you could offer to babysit for her...no strings attached. If she needs help with the dishwasher or if your child is sick maybe you could pick him instead of her. See how you can help her. I bet she will soften her feelings toward you. A child needs both parents. You sound like you really love your son.

I understand wanting to tell him the real situation, but if you put him in the middle of these disagreements, he will end up resenting you. My best suggestion is to tell him that you want to call him more often, unfortunately, you can't. Don't give him any more reasons, but reassure him that you do love him, and that you miss him a lot when he is away, but that you hope he gets to have fun while he is with his mom. If you are the bigger parent now, he will see that when he is older. I'm speaking from the perspective of the child of divorce, if that helps.

I agree with the other posters - you cannot say anything bad about his mom to him. He's a boy and he's "in love" with his mom - it's just the way it works.

It seems that there must be much more to this otherwise I can't see why a judge would not let you call. Sally S has a great suggestion about the recordable books.

Not knowing the whole story, I'm not so sure giving him a phone or teaching him your number so he can call you is a good idea. That would depend on the circumstances that caused the change in the court order.

I have suggested a certain book on here many times before.
It was recommended reading after I went through my divorce.

I can't speak to why a judge would make a decision they made, but I have to tell you that my ex husband called obsessively and it was horrible. He even called the police if I didn't answer the phone and had them do a "safety check". It was ridiculous. He basically demanded phone access to my son at any time day or night and the judge put a stop to it.
It was a little thing called a restraining order.
Plus, we had scheduled nights and times for my ex husband to call. That way, we could actually have some kind of life and my son could look forward to the call nights.
Every time my son was with his dad, I didn't call to say hello once a day or even at all during a weekend. It's not that I didn't miss my son, but my son was just fine not hearing my voice every single day. I didn't for one second think it was as though he was going to forget me or anything. I encouraged him to have a great time with his dad and told him I would be fine and ready and waiting when he got home.
For one thing, his dad calling so much was making my son so upset and worried that his dad couldn't "live" without him, that my son started having issues. It got to a point where my son felt that he was responsible for his dad's feelings and that's a lot of weight on a little kids shoulders.
You want to avoid that at all costs.

A therapist recommended that my ex husband and I read a book, out loud with our son during each of our time together. My ex husband refused to read it.
The sad thing is that it is just as beneficial to the parents, if not more, than for the kids.
My ex husband didn't want to get the message so a judge had to help him get it a different way.

This is just what happened in MY case so I only offer it up as a different perspective.
No matter what, you cannot say anything disparaging about your son's mother.
He is part you and part her. If you put her down in any way, then he may think there must be something wrong with him as well.
Also, little kids are really prone to blaming themselves for things and you don't want that to happen either.
What worked well for me was saying things like, "We're going to try things this way for a while and we'll see how it works out."
No emotion, no blame, no interjecting that it's a good thing or a bad thing or that it's forever....

Anyway, the book is called, "My Life Turned Upside Down But I Turned It Rightside Up" by Mary B. Field.

I highly recommend that you read it for yourself if nothing else.
My son is 16. I left his dad 15 years ago. I've been a single mom since.
Believe me, the more you are seemingly okay with the many changes that will likely come in the years ahead, the more equipped your son will be to handle them well too.

Ironically, my ex husband and I get along really pretty well now. It took a long time, but my son is too old and too big for us to haggle over things like phone calls. He communicates at will with each of his parents. We switch days if something special comes up.

Unless your ex has documented "emotional" problems, you will just be stirring dirt if you bring it up only in response to not being able to call your son every night.

Read the book I suggested.
Remember that your son is a child of divorce, but that doesn't make him "broken". He can have two parents and two houses and different ways of doing things at each place and still turn out just fine.
Those are the things he needs to be able to say to himself and believe.
It starts with his parents.

Best wishes.

See if your ex wife will, at least, let him call you when he needs/wants to talk to you, even during "those" nights. Judges can only decide up a certain point, after that the parents' love for the child should take over and bend the rules a little. In any case, talk to him when you are together and tell him that he's always on your mind and that he's the most important person in the whole world for you (you probably already do that). Tell him that when you are not together you look at the moon (or whatever) and wish him goodnight, and that he can do the same when he's at his mom's to wish good night to you. Give him an alternative way to keep this connection to you, without projecting on him your sadness or frustration for the situation. He's 5 and should not carry the burden of figuring out why a third person (judge) decided for him.All he needs to know is that mom and dad love him and are there for him, the rest can be explained later when he's older. Good luck!

Honestly, that plain sucks. Sorry, but it's true. I wouldn't say anything to him about his Mom, because no matter how you feel about his Mother, true or not, it's still his mother. He may actually think he is like her in some way if you say something negative about her or that something is wrong with her. (it''s just how kids brains work at this age) I would really consider buying him a teddy bear that records a message, and record yourself saying goodnight buddy I love you so much. O miss you and will see you soon. Or whatever you want to say. Then he can hear your voice and sleep with the bear and have it for the nights that you cant call to tell him yourself. My daughter had one that she got as a gift. It was cool. They make books and cards too, but the bear he could sleep with. Its a bit more personal. Someday you can explain the real why, but if you have to give him a reason why for now, I would just go with something like, "well your Mom wants to be the one to tuck you in and say I love you on the nights that you are with her. I DO love you though, all of the nights, and if you remember really hard, you should be able to hear what my voice sounds like." Then he can play the teddy bear to hear it for himself. Good luck. This stinks. Soon he will be old enough to be able to pick up the phone and call you. I don't think the courts can stop that! I would check into that one. If they cant stop him from calling you, I may be getting him a cheap cell phone programmed with my number. :)

You've received a lot of good advice already that I won't repeat, but I do want to say how sorry I am that this is happening. I firmly believe children should have the right to talk to their parents whenever they want for need too.

I do have an idea about how to change this. I assume you have a lawyer that helped you with the divorce, right? You could have him go with you to court and ask for the judge to appoint a guardian ad litem for your child. These guardians do not take custody of children, but instead speak up for the best interests of the child in question. The guardian will most likely speak with you, your son's mother and your son to determine what is best for your son. This way you can tell the guardian what your concerns and issues are, and what you would like to see happen.

The guardian then makes recommendations to the court about what your child needs. It may or may not change anything, but it sure worth a try.

Do remember to be as unemotional and non-judgemental when it comes to speaking about your son' mom and just state the facts as you see them. I know this might be hard for you, but in the long run, you have a better chance of getting what you want and need if you remain calm.

I just had another idea. Is there any way to get mediation between you and your son's mom to try and work it out that way? I don't know how mediation works, but again, ask your lawyer.

I wish you the best in this. Your son needs you.

i am so sorry that this is working out this way for you :( first let me say that i have no experience with divorce but perhaps the kibosh on calls might be to help your son not be torn between you and your ex? so he might be doing fine during the day but then after your call he gets worked up and upset and talks about wanting to go back to you? whereas if you hadn't called, he would be fine and go to bed?

i understand that you want to tell him it's your ex's fault but that won't do him any good. if he does ask you, maybe you can just say that it's mommy's time with him and use the saying goodnight to the moon example and a cuddly item. the hallmark book sounds good too but depending on if it makes him upset or not. and would your ex even let him have it?

The judge is wrong if it's really that simple. If she has emotional problems and her family is cluing you in on this, then you need legal help to deal with this. The judge needs all the facts to make a balanced decision.

If there's more to the story, then you have to deal with that somehow - we don't know if it's really all her, or if some of it's how you deal with each other, etc.

Do what you can to be objective about the situation. Deal with whatever part you play in the dynamic. And if it's really her issues, get legal help to deal with this. Her family should help THE CHILD - even if it's providing assistance to you in the short run. It's not about you, it's about your child. Good luck.

Don't you ever say anything horrible about his mother. That's the first woman he will fall in love with. He loves her just as much as he loves you so don't put him in the middle any more that he is already stuck in.

It seems to me like there may be more to this story.

I would recommend just saying to your son that this is what the court has ordered. Look closely at the order what exactly does it say. Does it say you may not call your son. Then don't call him. Help him to learn your number and perhaps he can call you.

A tough position to be in but you don't know what the future holds. For years my husbands ex-wife kept his son from him. We now have custody and she only has telephonic visitation. We are working diligently to get the child to normalcy but it is much work. You don't know what the future holds but don't bad mouth his mom ever. That will only work to your detriment.

this is an easy one to answer. "Because the judge says we can't have nightly phone calls." Please do not make his mother the bad guy. It's essential for him that he gets along with both of you.

I suggest that these calls may be causing difficulties in the evenings in that it upsets your son. He may get cranky and difficult or he may withdraw and become sullen. He may become hyper. Please consider, with an open mind, what would be best for your son.

I would not talk negatively in front of your son. I would talk to my lawyer and see about getting it reinstated. However having said that you need to make sure of why she is doing it. Is it just to keep him away from you to be mean or does it upset your son that your not there and he is doing the fit when you hang up the phone? I had daycare children who wanted to call mom every day after school. they would ask can I do .."X" whatever it is. knowing full well they could not do that at my house then have a meltdown because she said yes but I said no. I think you should be allowed to talk to him every day. maybe it could be earlier than bedtime?