What Do I Do When My Only Daughter Wants to Live with Daddy?

I grew up an only daughter of a single-father after mom left when I was very young, so my perspective is a little different than some. And my dad and I moved a lot. He was still trying to find himself. He was mostly a fabulous father, but still lots of moving.

I think you need to think long and hard about what really is best for her and not what you need. If her dad is in a stable healthy relationship now, and there's stability in the household with siblings to love, close family nearby that's worth a lot. And if he or step-mom don't work full time so can spend more time with her. Of all the military kids I know they all wish they'd been able to stay in one place more, especially when they get to school age.

You might also try some counselling with her to see if there are issues you could resolve that would make things better for her with you. And put the agreement in writing and under what terms it can be changed again.

I agree that no judge unless he can prove you unfit is going to award your ex custody of your 7 year old. I have an ex and we share custody of our 2 boys, 7 & 9. I know that when they are with him it's like going to Disneyland. I call him a "Disneyland Dad". When they get into trouble they always tell me they want to go live with there dad. I tell them when they are 12 or older and decide that's what they want to do, then so be it. That will never happen. They may enjoy it for the first week, but guaranteed they would be crying to come home after that. My new husband sent his 16 year old to live with his mother after he begged because he thought his life with us was horrible and his mother was bribing him with all kinds of things. After 2 weeks he was on the phone crying and begging to get a plane ticket home. Because of his age we let him stay out there for a few more weeks and then brought him home just so he would know that he couldn't use running away to his moms as a threat to us anymore because we knew that he hated it. It sounded fun for a minute but when life actually set in and his mom had to go to work everyday and he was board with no friends he relized that it wasn't what was promised to him. I look at it as though that is what is happening here. Especially if she doesn't see her dad regularly. He comes to visit and spoils her rotten, plus talking to her about her step sister and one on the way, making it seem so fun to live at there house. I do not think you are being selfish. If you refused to ever allow her to see him, then that would be selfish. It doesn't matter if he has a nicer house or more money then you, he cannot provide your daughter with the emotional support that a girl gets from her mother. In my opinion you should not allow this to happen. I think it is just a phase and it will pass.

First of all, NO you are not being selfish for not wanting your child to go and live with her father. If that were true, then EVERY parent who did not want their children to reside in a different household would be guilty of that as well. And besides, if your ex can call you selfish, well then the that's like the pot calling the kettle black, for does he not want your daughter to reside with him and not you? And no, honey, no judge would award him custody unless you were really, really unfit... Judges are NOT in the habit of taking small children out of their custodial parent's homes "just because they can". Your ex can hire all the attorneys that he wants... he'll only be wasting A LOT of money and time... but mostly money. If the only thing that he has on you is that you are a single mom then he is in for a very rude awakening. There are literally millions of single moms who have custody of their kids even though their exes may be remarried and making more money than they currently do. As long as you are able to provide the basic necessities for your daughter, and she is in no immediate danger, and you are not doing anything illegal, then I really do not think that you have to worry overmuch, to be honest. I hope that this goes your way, hon. Keep us posted.

That is so bad. I don't know what i'd do if my ex try'd to take my babies. You have to tell him he has other kids that are his. she is all you have and I'm not trying to make you feel bad so please don't get upset by this. Make him know that she is your world and you've been her primary care giver fro 7 years. tell him how bad that would feel to get your heart ripped out of you. I bet he showed her a good time and kids are very impressionable. she probably thinks her life will be filled with fun vacation tye living once she is living with him. I really think you all three should sit down and talk about this alone. without his wife without his family just you him and your daughter. find out without judges if you can work something out with shared visitation or something. maybe switch off months. or every 3 months. more stability there. Tell him your willing to share custudy not give it up. and tell him that is't not fair to you to have nothing left from this relationship just because he has a wife and your not married. that's not right. he's the one that broke you up in the first place. why should he win? Fight this to the death and never be mean about it. be understanding because the hate will rub off on your baby and you dont want negativity comming from this in front of her. Also make her understand what this means, that she wont have mommy around anymore for long periods of time. let her know that because I don't think she understands that part either. and if you go through curst and the judge says something you don't agree with then it might effect your relationship with her dad and how you change for the worse around your daughter. HOW DARE HIM. He is the one being selfish NOT YOU. Thats' your baby!!! you've been taking care of her and you gave birth to her. NOT HIM all he did was break up your happy home.

I question every aspect of my mothering abilities. And I usually feel like I come up short. But that is what happens when you have children. Nothing is ever going to be good enough for them. We will be concerned for our decisions, and the way that it effects them. This can be an excellent tool for raising children, if not taken to an extreme. I am constantly trying to make decisions based on how it will effect my family, short term and long term. Most often I have to compromise something to come closer to that elusive balance we are so desperate to find. I guess what I am trying to say is that if there is a little nagging feeling in your gut or heart that you are being selfish, ask yourself why. The answer will probably take days to explore, and not all of it will be painless, but chances are good it boils down to guilt over not being able to offer your daughter her mother AND father. And guilt over a decision you made for you and your daughter, no matter how painful, is not something to act on. As to your question about custody, there is never any guarantee about what a judge will decide, but it is always a favorable thing to have had physical custody. Especially if both parties are equal as far as being decent parents. I hope this is helpfull, I am no expert, but I just came out of a three year long custody battle. by the way I got sole custody of my two sons. keep your chin up.

My mom was a single military mom of me when I was 5 years old and didn't get remarried till I was 6. She is just going through a phase right now. I know I did when I got older and I did live with my dad for a while and realized that I wanted to live with my mom instead. Also no judge in their right mind would give your ex custody because you are the primary care giver and have been since the day of her birth. He may want her to live with him but since he has his own family he needs to think about them first. Have you talked to a JAG lawyer?? If not, then you should go talk to them and see what you can do. What you may want to do is talk to her dad and see if she can go there during the summer and then come back to you for the rest of the year. I agree with on of the other responses, once when she does see that she won't be the "star" of the show she will want to go back to you. Right now she isn't the only child. Since her dad got remarried she does have half-siblings. She will realize that being with mom may be better than being with her dad. I do hope that it goes well with you.
Also you're not being selfish with telling her no that she isn't going to live with her dad.

Hi,
The best I can do is play devil's advocate!! I'm a step-mom of an adorable 8yr old, my husband and I have been married now for 2 yrs, we have a 14mo old and another currently on the way.

My SD(step-daughter) came to live with us full time last year around Thanksgiving after the courts found her mother unfit, before that we had 50/50 (week on/week off) custody exchanging every week on Sunday.

I have to say until my little ones came along that she was certainly the 'apple of my eye' , most of the time I was primary caregiver, I would even call in to my job if she was sick. During visitations her dad was "goodtime" dad, he would buy her everything, take her places etc. Of course our house looked a lot more fun than with her mom (motel to motel.)

However, since my little ones have come along I suddenly (and with much shame) find having "someone else's" kid a burden. I find that my husband misses a lot of what his new family is doing because he's still focused on his daughter. I find myself resenting the fact that I have to handle everything because now her mom is no longer in the picture. What used to be fun on a temporary basis has now fallen all on my shoulders, plus I get the resentment of a child that's not mine, who still compares me to her mom.

I know this probably doesn't comfort you much, but I wanted to offer you an opinion from an "outsider". You may want to talk with your Ex's new wife/girlfriend and found out just how she feels about having another child, especially when she had 2 needy ones of her own. Chances are she won't feel the same as your Ex does about the child, and she may turn into a great ally!!!

J.,

Sorry to say this... but, not every judge lets a single mom keep her child. That happened to me, nothing is wrong with me, I have been a foster mom, a soccer coach and a CASA (Court Appointed Advocate for Children in Court, this is usually for children that are in DHS or in CPS), the judge as well as my ex's attorney felt that my son needed to bonded with his father. I disagreed of course and raised all kinds of cane!!! My ex had remarried and now is going threw a divorce after being married to wife #2 for 4 years. She blamed the divorce on my son.... at this point in time, my ex has custody until he can be proven unfit. My son's court appointed attorney has been investigated him for months. Even though my son is almost 10, he still does not have a voice in court. My son never wanted to leave here, we didn't have a choice...
The volumes in the court files are one of the biggest ones in Sacramento County.... 10 volumes... because everytime I turned around he had me in court. For two years it was almost every month. I finally got the court to grant court management, so that he had to get permission of the court to file a court document to take me to court. Most of the issues happened when he was married to wife #2!

My suggestion to you, is go to the JAG office and talk to someone that has a family law background. If your ex gets an attorney to get custody, you need to do the same see if you can get a JAG attorney...don't do like I did and try to be pro say/pro per in court.

Make sure you always follow the court rulings for visitation and try to keep your ex involved with what is going on with your daugther. Document EVERYTHING..... Don't go above and beyond to help him with the visitations..... if he wants the visit then he is the one that needs to make the reservations and etc... He sounds like my ex- a Disneyland Dad is what I call him!

Good luck Honey and stay strong!! Let us know what happens!

I don't have a similar situation, but I do have a view from outside and have three kids...here are my thoughts. A 7 y/o is too young to make a decision. That being said, do you spend alot of time with her? Is she shuttled from sitter to sitter? Does she REALLY want to be with her dad or is this a phase she will forget about?

What's your ex'es set up like? Will the primary caregiver be his new wife? She will surely treat your daughter differently. I'm sorry, but I've rarely met the stepmom who treats her stepkids with the same love as her own.

Your daughter needs to be the apple of someone's eye, and even if you work long hours, but you are her biggest fan, that is the place she should be. If, on the other hand, you don't feel you have the emotional resources to care for her, and if her dad will spend a huge amount of time with her (and not put her in charge of her half-sibs), then that is a consideration.

I still actually think the best place, if at all possible, is for her to be with you. Again, a 7 y/o doesn't know what she wants. Take care and good luck :)

My parents were divorced when i was six weeks old and both were remarried by the time I was three. i spent my whole life back and forth. my parents worked it out this way after I was aout 9 years old. i spent the school year, holidays and everything with my mother I spent the summer with my father. My dad would call or be at my other grandmothers on Christmas or Thanksgiving and I would go see him sometimes spend the later part of the day with him. If he wasnt in town he would call, this worked for me I got to get away for the summer and spend time with my dad then usually by the time summer was ending I was "homesick" think about it.

I am guessing that you live here in Utah. If I am wrong then what I have to say may or may not apply. In Utah a parent has to meet certain criteria in order to take the other parent back to court for a "modification of the divorce decree" which is what the custody arraingment falls under. There is a guideline of five different Criteria and your ex would have to meet I think Three of them but I could be wrong. We went to court two years ago and gained custody of my husbands children however that was after over eight months of denied visitation and her moving to Fla. without telling him nor providing him with the contact info. She also failed to show or respond to two different court apperances.

I now have four girls the oldest is 9 and the youngest is 2. My 9 year old once daydreamed about living with her father in Id. so I let her go one summer with the understanding she could stay as long as she wanted. I left it up to her and her father. I was sick with missing her and worry. (not for her saftey but that she might come back with a stronger resolve to live there.) after 6 days she called me and ask me to make the 7 hour drive to come get her the next day. I have always told all my girls that I love them no matter what and there is nothing they can do that would ever stop that. I have also told them that no matter where they are all they have to do is call and I will be there. I left at 3 am and was there by 9am to get her. She said that she likes to visit but wants to stay with me now.

The very best advise I can give you is to do what your heart tells you and if you need legal advise. Our Attorneys name is Catherine Conklin. Her number is ###-###-#### she is a partner at Farr Kaufman. She knows her stuff and will be able to tell you at the very least what you should and should not worry about. If you have to go to court she is expensive. However to just talk to her the first time is like $25.00 and well worth wHat she can tell you. Like I said. My husband and I both were married before and we combined a family and with her help we got them all home where they belong.
Hope this helps and you can e-mail me if you have any questions.
Tammy

I would say no I have 4 children my oldest is 15 she went to live with Grama at age 10 because we moved from where she had grown up and she wanted to attend school where we used to live.
At age 10 my oldest boy asked to live wiyh his Dad and we all decided together his Dad stepmom myself and my husband all talked about it together with him.
He is now living with his Dad the point I am getting too is I dont think they can really decide those sort of things until they reach 10 some at a later age like 13.
Its very emotional and if you decide to let her go she may get to Dad's and be sad with out her Mom and then want to come right home.
I would say to tell her that its nice that she would like to live with her Dad but she needs to wait until she is older to make that choice.
And as for the Judge if your x decides to take you to court Moms almost always get to keep custody of there children if they are young no matter what.
My x took me to court and tried to prove I was unfit to take care of my son and the Judge said to him does she have a home?
he said yes the judge said does she have a job?
he said yes, the judge said does she take good care of your son feed him clothe him ect.? and he said yes then the judge said so she is not unfit sounds to me she is doing just fine for him.
And we walked out of court with me having custody and him with visitaion.
Well I dont know if I helped any but I hope every thing works out for you and good luck.

Becareful is all I can say. You've been in Hawaii for a year now? He'll most likely have to go through the Hawaii court system and I believe they would be more on your side. I too am divorced and moved here with my new military husband three years ago. My daughter was 7 then. My ex won custody! I lost because all her family was in FL and the judge said just because I'm her mother and remarried into the military doesn't give me the right to move my daughter from everything she knows. You probably won't lose and the judge most likely won't hear her thoughts until she's 12 or so. I would ask why she wants to live with her dad. Be open to her and her needs. Make sure they talk on the phone all the time. Every night she should hear her daddy say goodnight. It's a huge help I swear. Then, be sure she visits her dad more than just a month in the summer. Share holidays and school breaks. The shorter visits are less "changing" because there isn't enough time to usually get in a routine. But in the end if she's insistant on living with her dad, as hard as it is, let her. Get it in writing that she can go and stay for a limited amount of time. Maybe being there on a regular basis and dealing with a step-parent and other siblings (not an only child anymore!) and dealing with rules will certainly change her mind. It'll give her a chance to miss you as well. This advice is as a complete and total last resort. I miss my daughter like crazy. And I won't get her back unless my ex abuses or neglects her. Maybe not even when she says she wants to live with me. I miss her and she misses me, but she is happy. Good luck and fight like hell. But remember, ask her why she wants to be with daddy first and work from there.

I'm so sorry to hear of the situation. Try to think of reasons why he all of a sudden wants her. It sounds like he didn't care too keep her three years ago when he found a new wife! What a jerk. Could it be that after time with her he realized how much she means to him. Or did your daughter maybe tell him about how the two of you girls are living. Is there anything she might say that could make you look bad? You should calmly speak with your inlaws and ask then why the sudden changes and what you did to offend them. Good luck, you sound like you really love your daughter and I hope it works out.

Sorry to read this.

It will be best when you are co-habitating or married to a corporal, sergeant, lieutenant, or any rank similar to that. The judge have the highest honor for the American Government and that includes the military, army, air forces, navy, law enforcement, and similar to these.

If/when you do go to court for the custody of your child, yes, it is possible for a child of a single/married parent to move with the another single/married parent(s) depending on the degree of stability, health, and safety.

Hi J.,
My situation is a little different, but I can understand. Of course your ex'sfamily is going to support him. That is HIS family.(Sorry, but they aren't your blood) Second, that is also your daughters family as well. (I will give you my background. My ex and I have been divorced for 5yrs. My daughter is 5+yrs. He started dating his current wife while I was pregnant. Long story short I went back to work, was transfered to seattle, then he told me he wanted a divorce. My daughter was 6months....) Your daughter will miss him. He is her Father. I know that you don't want to "deal" with him, but you will have too. Are you not wanting to do joint custody? I am assuming that you are hurt and want to get back at him. Unfortunately, you daughter is in the middle. Have you asked your daighter why she wants to live with her dad? Is it she just misses him. He was up visiting. Everything is fun, when you are on "vacation". He has two with his current wife? Imagine how that house hold would be with another child?. As hard as it is, let your daughter go for more than a visit. Your ex is trying to get custody, just to mess with you. There isn't a court that would give your daughter to him, unless they can prove that you are an unfit mother. That would take a lot... Emotions have a big role in this situation. Try and move them a little to the side and look at it from the outside. Last thing, remember to breathe. You are your daughter's MOM. There will always be that connection. She loves you. If she was with her daed, she would want to be with you. She misses wich ever parent is gone. Try and talk with her about your feelings. How maybe you don't know what to do, that you are trying tro figure out what to do next, etc. Open it up, so she can express her self as well. You won't feel so threatend.
Hope this helps, sorry if I stepped on your toes.
E.

I don't believe any judge, considering the circumstances of your seperation would award custody to him, not only that but most courts believe kids should be with their mother unless he can prove your unfit. I think he probably talked her into wanting to go whilest visiting, this may not be the case but then again.. get rid of him and get back to as normal as you can with your daughter then try talking to him again and reasoning that court is going to hurt your daughter not you.

Of course you aren't selfish for wanting to maintain custody of your daughter. And, because she is only seven, it can be argued that she isn't mature enough to make that decision herself. If that is your ex's entire basis behind his arguement, then I don't think you have much to worry about. I can't see a judge granting custody to him just because your daughter says she wants to live with daddy. I would hope that any judge (or the legal system in general) understands that kids that age are fickle.. this week she wants to live with him, next week she will want to live with you.. custody cannot be removed and granted at her every whim.. and seven year olds are whimsical.
I think the first step is to talk to your daughter. Make sure she understands how living with daddy would change her life. I wonder if she grasps the meaning of that in it's entirety.. like she won't see you anymore, you will be far away, new school, new friends, new house, new sibilings and a step parent.. I think a situation like that is hard for any seven year old to grasp.. she probably thinks of living with daddy as a vacation, or something fun and different..not realizing it is a permanent change in her life.
Second, examine your life and see if there is any room for improvement (as far as raising your daughter is concerned) in case this does go to court- that way you will have implemented positive changes before your lifestyle is scrutinized by the court- Do you work long hours? Do you work more than the average person, does your daughter spend more time in daycare and with babysitters than the average child? If so, is there any way you can change that? Courts do look at those things, though I'm sure it is up to the judge how much those things will impact his decision.
But really, as long as she is happy and healthy in your care, I do not think your ex has anything substantial in his case against you.

Hello. I just read your "letter". I can kind of understand what you are going thru. My daughter is 15 years old and at the age of 9 she decided that living with daddy would be the best thing. I thought no way but after thinking hard and long, I let her do it. She lived with him for a whole year. With us being in Utah and her bio dad living in Texas, it about killed me, so it seemed. It was a good experience for us all. She now only goes to visit 8 weeks out of the year. From experience, your ex is going to "threaten" you as much as possible about taking your child away ( mine still does it and we have been divorced for 8 years now). Just keep your head up and remember how important she is to you and you are to her. Everything will work out for the best sooner or later.. Take care
H.

J., do not worry, sometimes children get these crazy ideas and think that these things are just easy to solve. If she left you and did live with her father and had to learn how to share him with her step siblings, she would change her mind quickly and realize that being with mommy is best. I commend you on even the thought that you may be selfish, you are not. He has begun his new family with his new wife. Your daughter is the result of your marriage to him, a marriage he chose to throw away. If he so wanted custody of your daughter, he would have been motivated to fight for custody months ago. His parents of course are on his side but do not let their biased opinions worry you. Regardless of what kind of a person you were in the past, you have obviously made a change for the better. Sometimes when we are in unhealthy relationships, it doesn't allow us to be the people that we can be and ought to be. You are in a healthy place now and I would not worry about a judge awarding him custody. I feel he is being selfish, she is all you have, does he totally want to crush you? Just stay cool and keep doing what's right and don't let it stress you out, you have been "mom" all of this time and no judge is going to discount that fact. Good luck.