Teenage Boys and Trust

Good job mom!
He did what you have asked. He called when he did not feel comfortable..

I know here in Texas an underaged drinker is not allowed to be around anyone else that is an underage person drinking at the same event. Even if a parent provided it.

There are so many possibilities and he made the right choice.

I would do as the other moms said and speak with him about how good it makes you feel that he knew what needed to be done and was strong enough to do it. Let him know this is probably going to happen even when he is of legal age and something is going on he knows he does not feel right about, and he will have every right to get him self out of there. This can happen at school, work, social situations or out in public.

And if he has anything he ever wants to ever speak with you about it will be fine.

But do not push. He did exactly what you asked him to do.. You have a good kid.

Just be glad he made the call. If you push him too much, he may not call you if it happens again. Let him know that he can tell you anything, and leave it up to him to tell you or not.

Both.

Also, there is a BIG difference between pressing, and having a conversation. Have an open conversation about what might have happened, but don't press.

You done good Mom, sounds like a smart kid.

:)

I'm with Jo on this one. The simple fact that he made the call tells you:
1. He trusts that you will come and not "punish" him (or his friends) as a result
2. He knew that what was going on was not "OK" and he wanted to get out of there.
3. If there is "fall-out" from asking him for details, he won't call again.

Good job mama! You have raised a young man who knows his limits (and yours) and respects them- even when you're not around. Thank him for calling and let him know that IF he wants to talk to you about what happened, there will be no punishment or "tattling" on your end.

As much as my curiosity would drive me insane, I wouldn't pressure him. He has showed great maturity in evaluating a negative situation and calling his mother to come get him. I think it's more important that he retains that trust in your support than figuring out the motivation for the phone call. If anything, it would make me trust him more and not limit his ability to go "there".

I agree, don't push him because he next time he might not call you. Just ask him if it's something he wants to talk about and let him know that you're there and that you are not there to judge. Also that you are glad he called you.

I don't have really have experience with this, but I wonder if you could try to get more info by talking to him about the situation while being more conversational and proud about how he handled it. Less like "pressing" him or interrogating, just wanting to get a picture of what happened, and you can even comment on how he got to making the right decision so you can teach him more about decision-making in stress situations. Just a thought.

If you press he may not make the call next time. Not worth it.

I just want to throw this out there I get calls from the kids who no longer trust their parents to not press after the pick up. I won't call you either, ya know? I have also heard plenty of stories about kids who try to make it home without calling anyone.

You just don't want to press, he will come forward if he wants to talk about it. My kids talk about it because they know I will not flip, I will not judge, I just add the information to what I already know. You have to prove you trust him before he will open up, pressing shows you don't.

For laughs lets say that it was because the older brother was there from college. He called you to get him out of there. Why would he choose to go back knowing the brother is still there? Why if the brother shows up would he not call you again?

Our kids have a "no questions asked, we get you" rule.

First, tell him you are proud of him for recognizing the situation went south and calling. You showed that he can trust you by going to get him.

We have also said, "This doesn't mean we won't discuss the situation later." So after everyone has slept on it, follow up. "Son, what went on? It must've been a big thing to call us. Are you OK?"

I wouldn't necessarily punish him after the fact or call in the Spanish Inquisition, but if Bro was there and he felt like he had to bail, it's worth asking about.

You must be so proud of him for calling! It is more important that he is safe and will probably continue to trust you than for him to give you all the details. I really agree with what Sarah C said in her comments. If you leave the conversation open and not press him, he's more likely to tell you. My son is 8, I only hope I can get him to do what your son has done when he's a teenager.

we have the rule. have had it in place since oldest daughter was a teenager. you call if you need a ride for whatever reason. no questions, no comments that night. but there will be questions the next day. but even now with my daughter being 29 she has called us to say I drank to much will you come get me. and we do. but boy do we give her the business the next day lol

I would be dying to know what happened BUT that will defeat the call no matter what ill come get you, no questions asked. If you do hound him he may not call next time. Be glad he felt secure enough with you to call and get out.

Yes, you should talk to him. You don't have to pressure him, or be condescending, or fight to know the whole story but you should find out what happened if possible. It is always good to have a flow of communication, to open up a dialogue, especially with teens. Be sure you tell him you are so proud he called, but also be sure he realizes ways to avoid the situation next time.

I think you should not press for more info and be ok with (just be glad he made the call).

I would first thank him again for calling you and making the right choice. Let him know that you were happy to do it and will always be glad to do it again. Then I would ask him... do you mind if I ask what happened? If he says he doesn't want to talk about it. Respect him. If he doesn't mind sharing, great! He may be embarassed to bring it up but is waiting for you to so he can talk about it.

If he does choose to open up to you... you must be understanding and not show any feelings other than love and respect! If you get mad in front of him or make a big deal out of what happened, he may not turn to you next time!

Its great that he reached out to you! Good job at what your doing with your son!

Sherry is spot on. However, I wouldn't have your husband sit down with him. You ought to talk to him instead.

I would ask him to come clean with you so that you don't have to talk to the other kid's mother. I don't think you'll get all the details, though.

Meanwhile, now is a great time to really teach him about drinking and drugs and unprotected sex. That's the price he has paid for being at what seems to have been a party of some kind. (If that's what happened.)

If there is a problem with the friend and his parents, then you have to figure out how to handle that. You don't want your son in the middle of fighting parents and their kids.

Good luck,
Dawn

How great that he called you. This method seems to be working. I think you should ask him, but don't press it too much if he won't tell.

I have a friend who has a system that works great-Call whenever for any reason, no questions for 24hrs. That way nothing is asked in haste or from emotion, it gives everyone time to process what happened. My oldest is just 13 so we haven't reached this situation yet, but with the success my friend has had with her kids, I think this is the route we will go.

My kids also know they can call me and I will come and get them. They also know I will want to know what happened, if not the night of the pickup certainly within 24-48 hours of the incident but my kids know I'm like that. Have you established that kind of policy with your kids? My husband is more of the don't ask don't tell type. In this situation I don't know if he would really want to know what the heck was going on.

I'm a firm believer of not living our lives in reverse. So in this case if a policy hasn't been established of disclosure you may want to establish one for the future.

I would still ask him about it without any pressure if possible. He's not an adult yet but working his way there. He will be 18 and an adult in the eyes of the law and he may need to know a few more things along the way about the level of responsibility for the company he keeps. I hope this helps.

I wouldn't ask him questions, but I might start a conversation. "I am SO glad you called me BEFORE things got totally out of hand! Do you think it's likely to happen again? Have you figured out what was deffierent about this party than the other times you've been there that caused it to go down the wrong path?" Just things to get him thinking, at least to himself, about what happened and why. And maybe he'll share some of that thinking with you!

Maybe tell him in a no-pressure sort of way that you're glad he called, and you'd like more information if he's comfortable with sharing, so you can help him avoid getting *into* such a situation next time. But if your husband wants details, let him ask, so it's not you pressuring your son.

If you consider your son to be a trustworthy kid, here's an approach you might use - Don't interrogate him - if he feels like he's being taken to task for the situation he found himself in, the next time he might not call. Do ask him if he'd like to talk about what happened. Let him know that you are proud of him for having the good judgment to call you when he felt like he was in over his head. Ask him if there's anything about the situation he'd like to share - there may be something he needs/wants to talk about. Ask him if he thinks it would be a good idea to go there again. You might be surprised by his answer. Then tell him that the offer still stands and always will. If he calls and says come and get me, you will.

I had something quite similar come up when I was fourteen. I was very much a straight arrow, and I was at a party at a friend's house when some older boys showed up. They started passing around a joint. My friend's parents had been at the party when mine dropped me off, but they left soon afterwards, so there were no adults. I called my folks, and they came for me. I was asked if I wanted to share why I wanted to leave the party, but not pushed, and I did tell them. They did not restrict my freedom afterward - in fact, I was given a little more, because I had proven to them that I was able to recognize trouble and willing to call when I needed to. Their trust in me made me feel ten feet tall, and I felt like I needed to continue to be the trustworthy kid they already obviously believed me to be, and I still remember this 30 years later.