Teen Daughter and Dating

Well I don't have a teen child of my own but I once was a teen who went through the same thing with my parents. I was 16 and the guy I was seeing was 21 and when my mother and father found out about they were strictly against it. I then started to leave school to see him, and i would leave out the house after they went to sleep to see him. Finally my mom and dad came to a decision that it was better to let me see him under there supervision then for me to leave school, or sneak out and see him late at night. They also let me go to the movies with him as long as I brought back the ticket stub. Eventually my attraction to him wore off so we stopped dating. I hope my experiences can help you come to a decision.

Hi,
I know this is very difficult. When in high school, our daughter went out w/ a boy in her grade. Things went well for a while, but she had many ups and downs beacuse of his moody, sometimes cruel behavior. He did not have a supportive homelife as a young child, and it showed.
Please encourage your daughter to be involved with activities she enjoys with people she knows.
Keeping your policies consistent will help, but probably will not be easy. Some kids tend to "go off the deep end" with romances and will not listen to reasonable voices.
You may have to be extra vigilant knowing where she is and with whom. It is very common for teens to sneak out of the house to see friends or go somewhere their parents would not approve.
Keep talking with her, letting her know you love her and want the best for her. She may not agree.
It might be helpful to speak with the boys parents to let them know what is going on. A three year difference is high school is alot. The younger teen may be at a disadvantage in making decisions since the older is seen as "cool" with more experience.

Stick together as a couple. She will grow up!
Good luck.
A.

Hi Erica,
I remember the same situation as a teenager... As for when your daughter had friends over and at 10:00 was asked multiple times to 'wrap it up' and didn't, I can completely understand. It isn't that she was ignore you perhaps as much as she didn't want to seem uncool by kicking the kids and the boy that she likes out. With that said, my advice to you is to take a step back, take a deep breath, and stop fighting so hard. Teenage girls always want things that can't have, and at 14, the more you and your husband object, the more she'll want to be around the boy and do what she can to be around him. My suggestion is to invite him over with everyone present and have a non-confrontational conversation. Be properly introduced. Learn things about him, what are his plans, where is he going to school? where does he live? Calmly explain to both of them your rules about dating.... Make sure that your daughter is present for the whole time so that she can't claim that something was said or implied that wasn't. Become his friend. If you welcome him in and befriend him, he's no longer a sore point to get at you with.Set the ground rules. Make sure that both your daughter and the boy understand them.
1. No meeting in the yard in the dark in your pjs!
2. You can come hang out at the house until 10:00.
However,you must be in a room with one of us/a room with an open door or on the front porch with the lights on.
3. The bedrooms are off limits.
4. No phone calls after 9:30pm, and all phone calls/texting will be done by 10:30pm.
You get the point.
Best of luck
M.

I think a lot of the moms gave you some good advise, otherwise I would make my response longer.

First of all, I think you are already making great parenting choices.

Second, I remember specifically when I was around 14 my mom telling me that she felt like I wasn't myself anymore- that goes away, but at that time if you are letting your daughter know that you feel that way it will push her further away because to her it means that you don't understand her.

Lastly, I think that the boy's age should be the main focus in this situation, BIG TIME! 18 year olds are WAY different than 14 year olds. Why would a boy that is going into COLLEGE be interested in a girl that recently started HIGH SCHOOL??? All I remember is that usually seniors don't want to have much to do with freshmen at all... So that is a little strange. Also, 18 year olds are so much more experienced!

I'd probably be doing what you are doing as a parent in this situation, but I would put a limit on age. 2 years older would be the limit for me...

I don't really have any advice for you but can tell you that I went throught the same thing as a teenager. I am now an adult with a 3 year old and scared to death of the teenage years. It is a phase and I grew out of it and now have a great relationship with my family. You will get your daughter back and she will remeber the values and guideelines that you have taught her. In the mean time it sounds like you are a great parent and are doing everything you can. Just try to keep her safe and from making some of the big mistakes if you can.

Best Wishes!!

Erica,
You did not mention the boys age. If under 18, have a talk with his parents. If over 18, at least threaten to contact the police. Not sure exactly where you live but there could be some laws he may not want to risk being caught on. Take away some privileges (phone not needed at home, can't have friends over, can't go unattended with frients). Explain that when she violates your trust, she has to suffer the consequences. If you haven't had the "sex talk" with her, now is definately the time. Good luck.

Erica -
Congratulations on being such a big part of your daughter's life - even if it is a bit of a struggle at the moment. It sounds like you are well aware of what is going on and are open to talking to your daughter and you should be commended for your efforts so far.

Teenagers are rebellious and will do whatever they feel they can get away with. That being said, don't ever give up. The more discipline and concern you show, the better off your daughter will be in the end. Even though your daughter isn't being responsive physically, the message is getting through, trust me. I was like your daughter in some ways. My parents were overly strict (in my opinion) and I often had "the talk" whether it be about boys, staying out late, or whatever a teenager wants so desperately to do that the parents don't like. As a result of them being TOO strict, I lied and sneaked around a bit - but as I did so, mom and dad's voice was loud in clear in my mind so...while I was "being bad" - I was never THAT bad in the situation. Hope that makes sense.

Keep up your great parenting and hang in there!

E.

I am not going to offer any advice on this particular issue, however, I do agree that a 17-18 year old is way too mature to be hanging with a 14 year old.

I am writing to recommend a book for you to read. It is "Get Out of My Life, But Before You Do Can You Drive Me and Cheryl To The Mall: A Parents Guide to the New Teenager" by Anthony Wolf. The part you wrote about your child being replaced by an alien reminded me of this book. You will see yourself and your child on these pages!!! LOL

Hi Erica,
I just wanted to say that I think you are handling the situation correctly. As a mother of a teen-ager, I know what you are going through. When my daughter was 14 (she is 17 now)I did not allow her to date guys that were seniors or date at all. I don't feel that this young man should be invited to your house either. If he is invited, it should be to let him know that your daughter is much too young for him to be seeing and that you would appreciate him staying away from her. I know a lot of people feel as though you are being strict but I beg to differ. I am just going to be real, inviting him to your home to sit in the living room while you and your husband are upstairs does not stop them from engaging in whatever activities they can get away with. Oh and don't be dismayed by the blank stir and no response. That is a teen age tactic. My daughter started doing that as well. It's their form of reverse physchology. Don't even play into it. If you and your husband had implemented some form of punishment and retriction, the blank stir would not have remained. The best thing to do is once again explain your position to your daughter. Let her know that your rules stand and this disobedience will not be tolerated. Also let her that you are not restricting her from having male friends but there is a limit. And this young man is off limits. Let her know the next time you find her in his presence, or even texting or talking to him, she will be punished. And no it's not being strict, it's being a parent concerned about the welfare of your daughter. Always keep the lines of communication open with her. Assure her that although you don't approve of this friend, that doesn't mean that all of her choices will be disapproved of. Help her to understand why this sitution is not good for her.
Be blessed!!

Erica- Although my children are not teens yet, I remember being one. The best thing for you to do is to get to know all of your daughters friends and including this boy. Keep yourself involved in her life. The more that you know about the people she's hanging around you'll be more aware of what's going on in her life. I agree with Megan. Sit down with this boy and your daughter and have a talk with them. Get to know them and set some ground rules. As a teen I was not allowed to hang around with anyone that my parents hadn't met and who couldn't come to the door to talk to me and pick me up. Remind your daughter and the young man of the age difference. More than likely your daughter is more excited about the fact that an older boy likes her than the fact of who the boy is. She's a freshman and he's a senior? For a young girl that feels exciting! Guarenteed it will be short lived. Don't be afraid to talk to her about sex as well, and waiting. I wish you and your family the best.

Let me tell you-I was once that blank faced teen. In my defense my parents were not strict they were downright suffocating. By what you've said you and your husband have given your daughter ample freedom and respect for a girl her age, she is not returning the favor. I don't think you're overreacting. If she is going to these lengths to sneak around under your nose, she obviously isn't afraid of the consequences and she definately knew she was doing wrong or she would've introduced him in the first place. You have to consider what quality of young man would want his "girlfriend" to disrespect her parents in this way? Is this the kind of person who would encourage her to run away with him? What else are they hiding?
If this were my daughter (which it's not-you know best)I would be taking away some of those freedoms she is obviously not appreciative of. I'm not saying forever but whatever is appropriate punishment for her lying and sneaking around. If you have to follow her to school or attend activities for awhile with her that's what I would be doing. Hopefully, this boy will move on once he realizes you guys mean business and how hard it is going to be to pursue a relationship with your daughter. As a side note be clear to your daughter that this is punishment for something she chose to do, it will only last until she begins making solid decisions again, you don't want to make her feel so trapped that she totally goes off the deep end. Chances are this kid will become bored and hopefully your daughter will realize how much she's missing out on and won't want to waste her time with him anymore. There is also a good chance your daughter will end up with a broken heart in which case your work will be easy, just love and comfort her, she'll understand you were just trying to protect her.
I do not envy your situation, I am scared to death to face the teen years which are approching quickly for my boys. Good luck to you, I'm praying for you. If you get a chance, let me know how it worked out-I could use the advice.
Remember young love is fierce but a parent's love is immortal.

This is all facinating to me. I don't have a teen, but I have a pre-teen stepdaughter. At 10 years old and in the 4th grade, she's shocked that we won't let her "date" when all her friends do. Don't get me started...

Anyway, my husband and I have been working through the Love & Logic Series of books and CD's and we've just finished the teen set. I think some of the ideas are great. I think I would say yes, invite him over. A boy looks very different when eating dinner with the girl's parents. This boy may decide it's not worth the time/effort and you win without a battle.

I wanted to add a couple more thoughts as well. Love & Logic is all about empathy and consequences. I'd say that pajama meetings and secret texting should carry consequences. But they also stress asking questions. I love that because nothing throws a kid more off guard than a loving question. I think there are some great questions for your daughter about this boy. The trick is to not be shocked (because she'll try to shock you or pick a fight, that's easier for a teen).

So you really like this boy?
What do you think about the age difference?
What do 18 year old boys like these days?
Do you two have a lot to talk about?
Does he get along well with your friends?
(Any friends that sat nearby "hanging out" while they "embraced" may be annoyed and already telling her so)
Where do you see the relationship going? Is it serious?
If it's serious, then will he change his plans and stay for your relationship? (not likely)
What do you think he will feel when he leaves?
What do you think you will feel when he leaves?

I think that will give you a lot of insight into her thinking. But even more it will make *her* do some *thinking* about this. It's easy to dwell on the kissing and the romance. But if that's all there is, it fizzles when you start really thinking about it. At least it plants the seeds without a lecture that she tunes out. i think kids instinctively know your "button" whether it's a blank stare or rolling their eyes or filing their nails. They know what will drive you crazy the most, and that's what they do. Good luck! Definately let us know how it turns out!

This is much more serious than you can imagine! You need to take hold of this now! In fact it is a little late to change much (feeling already developed by the sounds of it). I would not even know how to advise you except to get professional help now! Hello!!! Pray and get professional help now.

Hi Erica,

The first thing to do is for you and your husband is to sit down with your daughter and set some boundaries and consequences for infractions.

If that is difficult for you and your husband to do, go to your nearest family mediation center and get help to mediate some boundaries and consequence. ###-###-####.

Next Take some parenting classes and get into a support group.

www.kidspriorityone.org or ###-###-####

Get an appointment book with 5 columns and write in each person's name in the family and keep up with what is going on with everyone.

Good luck. Hope this helps. D.

Hi Erika. First let me tell you that I am the mother of 4 teens- 19, 18, 16 and 15 and what you are going through, believe it or not, is typical of that age, especially when young infatuation is involved... and girls are worse than boys. We had a similar situation this schoolyear too with our 16 y/o d/d. I bought her 2 books that really helped her get perspective..."Every Young Woman's Battle" by Shannon Ethridge and "The Truth About Guys" by Chad Eastham. They're available in many Christian book stores or you can get them online.

Erica,

Raising teenagers is hard on a good day. I have survived a teenage son ( I think they are easier than daughters from the stories my friends tell me.) I can assure you that the beautiful, smart, talented daughter you remember will show up again about 4 years from now. I found 14-17 to be miserable, but slowly the sweet son that I had known returned.

I am sorry to say that I don't know what to tell you about the dating situation! Each child is different. Fourteen is young for actual dating. The group idea is a good one. You have raised your daughter well and hopefully she will make good decisions as her dating life evolves. I will say that it is not unusual for girls to be attracted to older guys. The boys their own age are generally very immature and kind of goofy. I was always attracted to older guys as a teen. We were more on the same page from a maturity perspective. On the other hand, guys are wired for one thing, and she is too young for that!

By the way, stoic is more than likely the response you will get from her during these next few years. She's trying to grow up, and feels that you won't let her. Young love is so, so intense. You don't want her getting too swept up in these raw emotions. Go with your gut instincts here. She needs your guidance even though she is sure that she does not.

Hang in there!

you sound like great parents, with clear boundaries and reasonable expectations. you're not preventing her from having fun and being with friends, but you have standards that have been made clear and you're sticking to 'em.
i applaud you!
i know it seems as if she's not listening to you, but she is. don't compromise your standards, and do keep making it clear that you love her and are proud of her and that she is free to come to you with input or suggestions as to how her role in the family is changing. that doesn't mean you have to take her suggestions, but letting her know you're going to listen and take them seriously is huge.
she WILL appreciate everything you're doing. hang in there!
khairete
S.

Is this boy already graduated, or starting senior year? I think depending on which one would determine my course of action.

Now, thinking back, when I was 14, I did date a guy who was a senior. We started dating in like february, only a few months before he was scheduled to depart for boot camp.

My family responded similarly to how you did. I purposely continued to sneak out because I didn't have enough time to see him. Every time he came back to visit after boot camp, he came to see me, for several years until I moved away. It's a possibility that we would have continued dating after he got out of the military, had my family not suceeded in scaring him away. Today, he's a wonderful man, and our life together would have been just fine had we continued dating.

Note, I *do* think that your daughter will be just fine with a casual relationship with the boy if that's what she wants. It may be serious until he leaves, but they will either slowly grow apart, and she will be interested in other boys, or they will decide to stay together.

Now, if it's a boy who has already graduated, I would not let her go alone with him anywhere. Any time spent together would be at home, and more specifically, in the house. My family did that to me, make me stay in the living room, and they would go upstairs to watch tv so we had some privacy. That quite sucessfully made sure that we never got *too* carried away.

If the boy is just becoming a senior, I would be a little more lenient, allowing her to see him in groups, or again, only alone at home.

I do think that if she is willing to continue to sneak around to see him, then she obviously has some pretty strong feelings for him.

I would respond by grounding her, or removing priveleges, for sneaking around with him, on the condition that she would invite him over for a proper introduction when she is un-grounded (is that a word?)

I too do not have teens however I was one once. I'm sure that she doesn't really want to be "sneaking around" and doesn't feel good about being "torn" between her feelings for this boy and her parents expectations. I would suggest inviting the boy over for a dinner with your family. You can take the opportunity to get to know him. Perhaps you could allow your daughter to invite him over for family functions or dinners or just to "hang out" and watch a movie. It is definately easier to keep an eye on things in your own home. I really believe that if you allow this and watch things like a hawk for the month or two you have before he leaves than you will come out like the "hero". Once he goes away things will fizzle out most likely. If you ban him from your daughter's life you may have a rebellion on your hands. Just make it clear that although you are not 100% comfortable with the relationship you respect her fellings and are willing to give and take with her( letting him come over to spend time with her) but that she has to be willing give and take as well and that sneaking around and lying is unaccptable and if she continues that type of behavior when you have so generously allowed them to spend time together in your home then that priviledge can be easily revoked. Also, if this boy feels welcome in your home and develops a relationship with you and your family I think he would be less likely to do anything out of line with your daughter.

Well, I have no teens, so anything I say you may want to just toss out the window! But even so, I'll pass on what I think just in case something may help. I can completely understand your hesitence on your daughters relationship with this young man..I think any parent would. However, in a way, I think you are setting up for your daughter to have the blank reaction she did have. Obviously, if they are sneaking around...she has some feelings for him, and wants to spend time with him. And you as the parent are specifically telling her she cannot invite him over. If they hadn't made an effort to introduce him to you or your hubby, (lets keep in mind she and him are both still young...and don't always handle things appropriately), why don't you and your hubby make the effort, if that is what you need? Tell your daughter that you would like to officially meet him, and allow her to invite him over. Make sure prior, to set some rules as to what is allowed/not allowed behavior from her and him while he is over. At least then, she wont feel so inclined to sneak around (hopefully), with you giving them a chance to see one another.
And beside, if he is planning to move... with how young they are, generally those relationships dwindle fast. Let it run its course, and your daughter will be happier towards you for not feeling the message that she is forbidden to speak to someone. Even though you are the parent, and she the child...it never hurts to consider compromise, when it doesn't compromise anyone's well being. Good luck!
K.

It sounds to me like you are doing all the right things. Get plenty of rest and you and your husband will have to always present a united front when dealing with her. She is trying to wear you down so don't give up. Lean on each other and I believe you will get the results you were looking for.