Thoughts on Teens Dating

Here's an analogy for you to consider: when I am on a diet, ALL I can think about is chocolate and ice cream.

16 is a good time to let her start dating. Sounds like you have gone through all the basics. You need to make time for her to be home perfectly clear and consiquences for not being home on time. If you are still hesitant. She could start dating as a group. That's where either one or more couples or just a group of kids get together to go bowling or something.

You have to think about when you were (16) & how you felt. If you have a good relationship, talk to her more. If you decide to let her date, set some restrictions and rules. Sometimes they rebel when you do not give them that chance. It is all about trust and faith. How did you find out about the other boyfriends? Those could have just been close friends. This one could be a little different.

L.,
I understand that it is hard to watch your "little girl" become a woman and begin to explore the world of love. Also, in this day with the high level of teen sexuality, it can be frightening to think of what "dating" may entail. However, she is sixteen and many of her peers are beginning to explore the complexities of relationships.
I would suggest that you meet with the boy's parents and get to know them as well as him. Invite him over for dinner at your house and let your daughter spend time with him (watching a movie, taking a walk, etc.). Do not hover over them; just periodically check in to see if they need more snacks, etc. At this age, it is okay and even healthy to explore the pleasures of hand holding and kissing; however, young adults still need guidance so that they do not venture into a sexual relationship that could have devastating results(STD's, pregnancy).
Keep the lines of communication open with your daughter, but by all means, it the boy is respectful toward her and toward you, let her begin dating. If over time, you feel that he will respect you and her, then allow them to go out to dinner or a movie alone (keep the first few dates under two or three hours and even offer to drop them off).
Also, you know your daughter. If you can trust her to know when to say "no," and you know that the boyfriend will respect her wishes, then allow her to begin dating.
Good luck! Remember we all had our share of heartbreaks while we learned to find "Mr. Right." It is part of the learning process!
I will pray for you and your situation. God bless! Have a great day!
K.

Hi L.,

Several things come to my mind. One, when did you start dating? Of course she doesn't have a clue "what she wants" she 16!
I mean no offense but I think by your questions and conversations with her, you may be making way more out of this than there is. It's almost like you are accusing them of inappropriate behavior. Do you have reason to believe you can't trust your daughter? This young man? Do you know his parents? If not, get to know them.

I am the mother of a soon to be 19 year old son and almost 15 year old daughter. I am not one of those mothers who would say "my kid would never. . . " I'm a realist. Of course I don't want my kids to engage in pre-marital sex of any kind!! But I think 16 is a very reasonable age to start dating. They need to explore relationships. And by relationships I don't mean sex. I mean conversation. Exchange of thoughts/ideas/goals/dreams and even culture-home life and values.

You have been talking to her for years and hopefully she's listened. I'm afraid if you keep pushing the issue and questioning their wants-intentions-behavior it may backfire.

Good Luck

Lori K

Dear L. H.,

In my opinion, you are being too strick. Hear me out :) My youngest daughter will be 16 at the end of July. So will her boyfriend. We will not allow any dating, in the form of, him picking her up and going out on a "date" alone. We do however, allow him to come visit when we are home and for her to visit his home when his parents are home. They are never left alone, unsupervised and won't be until she is 18?

I always stress to her to remember her goals about school and college, etc. We talk openly about everything, including birth control, just in case.

Teenagers are going to do what they are going to do...and we can't always stop them. Education is their best option. Also, if they are going to make "adult" decisions, are they ready to handle the adult consequences?

Also, part of the teenage years and "dating" are to find out just what type of person you want to be with in the future. It's a learning experience.

It's hard to let go and let them grow up. Especially hard to have them possibly get their feelings hurt. However, I feel that you and your daughter should come up with some "dating" rules that will be followed until she is age??? It's possible that while in school, they are already considered "boyfriend and girlfriend" to their peers. I also feel that he should be allowed to come over when you are home and all of you sit and talk, watch movies, etc. This will also give you a bird's eye view as to how this boy will treat your daughter. If you have issues about that you can talk to her later after he leaves and let her make the decision as to whether she feels she deserves to be treated better? and why?

Hope this helps. Take care and God Bless :)
T. (mother of 1 boy, 20, and two girls 19, 15).

We were not allowed to date until we turned 16 and in some ways that felt like forever compared to what the other kids were doing. There is nothing wrong with "dating" or having a steady boyfriend but that doesn't mean that you have to completely give them free rein either. Set some limits like they can't be at either ones house by themselves, no sitting alone in a car, those kinds of things that will help to keep them from doing things that they shouldn't do but still allow them to have fun and be teenagers. Just because they have said that they are boyfriend/girlfriend does not mean that they are doing anything bad. All it means is we like eachother and want to spend more time together. There will be drama! That is how the teenage world works but she needs this time to learn what she does and does not like about "relationships" before she becomes an adult and really does try to find the right guy. In my experience with teenagers (not my own but have worked with A LOT) the more you restrict them, the more they rebel. Don't get me wrong, that doesn't mean let her do whatever she wants by any means! They need limits but they also need freedom. Tell her exactly what you expect of her. Tell you what you are afraid of and what you don't want her to do and why. Tell her why you are setting the limits that you are and let her know that as long as she does not betray your trust, she will continue to enjoy the freedoms that you give her. Your little girl is growing up and you need to let her have room to make some of the mistakes that will help her learn and grow.

Your instincts seem to be on the right track, but what most of us lack, as parents, is the ability to communicate them in an effective way to our teens. My goal as a mother was to empower my son with information and support that would enable him to make sound decisions. It is not healthy or even practically possible to micro-manage your teens social life. But, you certainly can educate them.

I don't understand why there isn't a class for people over 30 to learn how to talk with teens about these issues. Before my son was even born, I was blessed to learn from a social worker who worked very effectively with teens on such things. There were a few points I made sure my son understood before he turned 13. We had a very direct and respectful discussion about some basic truths and facts about decisions he would be faced with during high school. I am so very glad he understood and put these principles to the test. He is now 23 and has recently found the love of his life. They are a perfect match and have the potential to create and extraordinary family together. This is the first girl he ever called a girlfriend, although he has had many friends, both male and female, throughout high school and after.

These are some of the concepts I made sure he understood:

1. Unless you feel you are ready to choose someone to marry, there is no reason whatsoever to commit to a relationship that develops any sense of rights or expectations to each other's attention and physical expressions of affection. Dating is just ritual seduction. It prsents only a surface view of the other person and is designed to provide intimacy before you know enough about the other person. It is fine to grab a bite to eat with someone or go to a movie with someone without even thinking of it as a date. There is no good reason to date. It is a social custom that most people just keep doing without really thinking about it. It is just expected. That is not a good enough reason.

2. If you really want to consider someone as a life partner, don't go to concerts, movies, and restaurants together. Instead, volunteer to do community service together or work on some meaningful project together. If you marry someone because you enjoy being entertained together without knowing if you can work together, the marriage experience will likely prove exquisitely disappointing.

3. There is more to sex and intimate contact than physical sensations and vulnerabilities. There is an interchange of emotions and spirituality as well as body fluids and neurological stimulation. The human psyche is designed to mate for life. 'Dating' is often conducted as if the two people are 'playing marriage', almost like younger children 'play house'. If you 'play marriage' you will likely end up 'playing divorce'. Even very mature adults are devestated by the emotional trauma of a divorce. Sixteen year olds should not have to experience that sort of trauma. Sexual intimacy is like emotional super glue. It is meant to bond you so that you will be able to support and nurture your children together. Ripping these bonds can be devastating and can change people forever. Some people do it so often, they have become numb to the experience. But with that numbness, they also lose the ability to feel other things deeply and often develop emotional difficulties. You are not only responsible to protect yourself from that happening to you, once you have crossed that line with someone, you are responsible for how it will change them.

4. Although boys are effected by this and need to feel accepted, boys have natural control drive that girls do not have and girls have natural submissive drives boys do not have. Because of this, boys usually have more control in these relationships and girls are naturally more eager to please and feel accepted. Breaking up with a girl you have gone too far with can completely change the way she feels about herself and how she chooses relationships in the future. If you like a girl, you will not want to put her at risk. If I had a daughter, I would tell her that she needs to be able to discern whether or not a young man's intention is to protect her from even his own desires or whether he cares more about his desires than her needs before she offers him more than polite attention. Once she gets too close, it can be very hard to regain her sense of self control. When addressing my son, I told him that because boys naturally have more control, any mistakes are 95% his fault and he will be responsible for all the people who might be harmed by his inappropriate decisions.

5. The excuse, "It just happened," is the most ridiculous excuse I've ever heard and it will find no quarter here. A decision to give in to passion or desire is still a decision!

6. Sexual organs are not toys provided for your entertainment. They are powerful reproductive organs that can be used to create life or create disease. They are, therefor, tools of life and death. They do not just belong to you. "What 2 consenting adults do should be between them," is almost as ridiculous as, "It just happened." When two people cause diseases they cannot afford to treat or create children they cannot afford to house and raise, the results of what they do privately can change the lives of their parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, siblings,and community, to say nothing about how it affects the lives of their children.

7. If you meet someone you are attracted to, before you let yourself even think about developing a relationship of any kind, ask yourself, "Would I feel safe leaving children alone with this person? Is this a person I would want to take care of me if I were sick? Could I see this person praying with children and tucking them in bed or giving them a bath?" If you're still attracted after reflecting upon those questions, that person has potential!

Some might think these ideas are out dated, but I wish those people could witness the rare kind of love that is developing between my son and the sweet young woman who has won his affection. I believe this kind of love is rare mainly because so many people think these ideas are out dated.

This is coming from a younger mom with a 16 month old. I'm just going off of what I was like. I started dating right before my 15th birthday. I was very responsible for my age and me and my first boyfriend didn't do anything other than kiss a few times, hold hands and hangout with mutual friends. althugh yes I lost my virginity very early at 14 but that was more curiosity cause my friends were older and my parents never brought up anything about sex. My mother waited till I flipped out when I started my first period to even explain that to me. So I know what the lack of communication does.

The dating thing all depends on how mature your daughter is. Just for a heads up the more you tell her not to date or not to date a specific person they will do it behind your back. So yes I would say your being a little to strict. try letting the boy come over just to hang out you might be suprised that he might actually be really nice. Just make sure you communicate with her without prying. as a teenager any time my mom asked me personal questions I would get mad and tell her to shut up and leave me alone. Sometimes a teenager has to find the answers on their own.

I'm not saying stop parenting but sometimes we have to learn the hard way. Now if her behavior is going from one extreme to another then I would be really worried. try a compromise you can go out with someone but if your grades start falling then your grounded for a week and no going anywhere. This tells her that yes you understand she wants companionship of both sexes but that you will not tolerate her putting her education on hold or not doing her homework.

sorry this is so long but I remember very clrealy how much I couldn't stand my parents even though they had good intentions. teen years are rough but better to try understanding a little freedom and communication can go a long way. Sadly I've seen what it does to teens when either parent doesn't treat them like a person with valid emotions and thoughts. Or what it is like for them having one parent who wants a certain set of rules while the other says the total opposite and then changes their mind every time they turn around. Just realize that there is difference in each generation and that includes wether they believe in the same things that you do.

At sixteen nowadays kids seem very mature. If your daughter is mature and able to handle having a boyfriend then I say let her have one with restrictions. No alone dates, Only at the house with parents, and at his house also. I would call his parents. Because at 16 before you know it she will have prom. Start her out as a good person and she will carry it off.

OK, I didn't read the responses....there were so many!!

Sooo, here's my thoughts: as the Mother of a 12 & 21 y.o. - you are very fortunate that she is 16 & not a whole heck of a lot younger....we have been battling "the need & want to date" for years now! With our oldest son, he had friends dating as young as 7-8. With our younger son, it's been an issue since his friends were about 9.

I hate this. I hate that my sons are a minority & made fun of ....all because we set the dating age at 16 & stand firm on that issue. Both of our sons have faced ridicule & harassment from "friends" over this issue.

The catchphrase we use with our sons has been our saving grace: "it's not a date if Mommy or Daddy have to drive you". We live by that phrase. Our oldest son was 16 when he began dating. He now uses that phrase on our younger son!

Sooo, how does this tie in with your ???.....I think 16 is OK, I think you are the parent & can set the rules, & I'm curious as to "why" you seem sooo insistent that she's too young? How old were you when you started dating? I was 16 & that was 30 years ago!! & I was one of the last ones in my age group to start dating! Things are sooo accelerated today that I'm happy that you were able to forestall the dating scene until 16 for your daughter.

So is it time to have faith & trust in what you've instilled in your daughter....is time to let her learn to be an adult (without the sex) & start making mature decisions?? Does she have a job, does she drive? Have you cut loose at all??? It's a scary age for parenting.... I've made it thru one child's teenhood & am entering into those years with our youngest. Time for a deep breath & lots of prayers!

My son is 14 & he has been "dating" a girl that is a year older them him. They started out "seeing" each other at sporting events & such (they went to different schools, but he has friends at her school) After several months (after I "knew" what was going on they started hanging out at her parents place. They see each other once a week & this coming year will be in the same school. Truthfully I feel they are both too young for all of this & for as long as this has been going on but I can say no & they will find a way around it...school...sporting events...other friends houses, etc. At least this way we know they are seeing each other & they are at her parents' house & they are not to be in the house without her parents there. My parents were waaay strict with me (had my son at 19 anyways)& it was these are the rules no compromising, no questions asked & those things just don't work (the boys had different rules ha ha). My son knows all about sex & the implications of "mishaps". He went to a catholic school & they learn all about pregnancy, STDs, & abortion in the 8th grade. We talk regularly about the use of condoms, STDs, & what having a baby young means (I had him at 19 & his father hasn't been around since he was 2). I can't say how things are going to turn out for him, but he has the information, he just has to choose the "right way". I think the same is for your daughter, you've guided her as far as you can. The way you've tried to get her to think about things are good.

Ok ladies this is just a word of wisdom from "been there done that". I didn't allow my daughters now 23 and 20 to start dating untill 16. They could only go out in groups and only to the boyfrinds house if the parents were home. Well with daughter #1 I learned real fast, you CAN'T trust the boys parents at all. Even when it's someone you've know and others say oohhh their such a good family. They don't have as much to risk and the fathers think it's some kind of right of passage for their little boys with no regards to our daughters. So with daughter #2 I said only at our house and only going out where I just might check up on her ( and did) she protested once or twice. But she got the idea real quick, and I never had to worry again now shes at college 4.0. I have two more still at home 1 boy, 1 girl. And I will go down the same road with both children because at the end of the day I can sleep knowing who and where they are and I know I can truly only trust myself for their wellbeing.

I think your concerns are similiar to all parents of teenagers. My children are still young, but like another responder, I am still at an age where I clearly remember my teenage years. I was allowed to start "dating" at 16; although I had a "boyfriend" before that. Even when dating, it was not very often that we went alone. I had a younger sister. WE were involved in a church youth group, so a lot of what we did was more like group dating. She doesn't really understnad the depth or commitment in a real relationship. My question is, how is she to learn? It is like driving, you learn by practicing. I am not suggesting you turn her loose, but at 16, you do have the ability to set more limits. Like others have said, she will do what she wants. I know a girl with strict parents that managed to sneak a boy in and had sex in their home while everyone else was sleeping! My aunt has an 18 year old daughter. She has only ever been allowed to date one boy and everytime they went out, her younger sister had to tag along. It was a diaster. She quickly decided she did not want to see this boy anymore. This year, she has been pretending to have a friendship with a boy that she has been dating behind her parents back. They have been "studying", "hanging out with friends" and other lame excuses. I would suggest using this as a time to help her to learn about dating. Allow her some freedom. Make a deal to always be open with each other. If you both treat other with trust and respect, you may find it is not all that bad. You can be right there for her first heartbreak instead of her college friends. You can teach her a lot during this short window. I know my cousins think there parents are unreasonable and stupid. It has caused them to have less respect for their parents and even some resentment and so far the oldest has been rebelling. Not all kids are like that. I would say if your daughter has been trustworthy so far, give her a chance to learn with your guidence before she is out on her own. Good luck!

L.,
If your daughter is 16, she is at least in the 10th or 11th grade. This is the time when she should be able to date with responsibility. You have to let her know that you can trust her and give her guidance. How else can she learn. If most of the high school kids are dating, you would not want her to have to sneak to date because she is going to date with or without permission. If she shows that she is not responsible, then you have to address that and let her know that it must be to soon. She can have company at home if you are there to monitor it while they play games or watch movies. You can also take them to the movies and pick them up. Both parent should be responsible for transporting to movies etc. I dont think she should wait til she in college to test the water, it should be done while you can monitor it. My daughter is 19 and in her 3rd year of college. I let her date when she started the 10th grade. She is fine and I have never had a problem. I trusted her and she proved to me that she was responsible. She is still not servious with anyone and school comes first. She has two jobs and goes to school full time. Give her a chance to prove herself. Good luck

Just my 2 cents, but it is from MUCH experience, and you ARE asking for opinions.

The more you restrict them, the more they will want to see each other. They WILL see each other, whether it is with your knowledge or behind your back.

Better to have a little control over their relationship by helping it. Plan family game nights when he is invited. Family outings (pizza, movies, etc) and invite him. Invite him to holiday and birthday gatherings. Help the kids to keep this legitimate and innocent.

By forbidding them, you setting them up for transgression. Also, since they will be dating behind your back, you will have absolutely no control over the situation, nor will you be able to judge the "temperature" of the relationship.
Your daughter will never feel that she can come to you with questions about relationships and sex. She will get all her info from "friends".
You will find that your daughter no longer trusts you, and you will no longer trust her.

Much better to allow it, but within family guidance.
You may find that you enjoy her "dates" almost as much as she does !

Hi L.,

I am going through the same situation right now with my 17 year old son (he will be a senior this fall). We have talked to the kids since they were small about dating and that it was for the purpose of finding a spouse, not just to have fun. My son wants to date but I feel like he is still too immature (but I might still be feeling that way when he is 30!!) The girl he likes is even more immature in my opinion so that doesn't make me feel too good either. So far, we have just done exactly like you are doing and encouraging our son to get to know girls and be friends with them but hold off on anything more serious till he is out of school. He has dyslexia and school has been hard enough already without the distraction of having a girlfriend.

I know kids their age are dating all around them and I think it starts to make them feel like they are being left out if they don't have a girl or boy friend. I think being able to talk to our son as openly and honestly as possible about girls and dating (keeping it light-hearted not lecture-like) has really helped.

I am planning to get him the Josh Harris books soon (I meant to before now!)

I guess in the final analysis though, we will probably let our son date before it becomes a battle in our house. I don't want him to resent us for not letting him date and lose all the great communication that we have built up over the years.

I liked some of the creative ideas that other moms have had about letting them be together without being alone.

Sounds like you are a good mom and have a very responsible daughter! Keep up the good work!

A.

Good Morning L., dating is a big step for the kids and parents. Trust, maturity, and confidence in your child to do the right things is a big thing to consider.

I wasn't allowed to date until I was 16, I was told I could double date until I was 16. First time I got to go out to a in door movie my mom drove us and picked us up. My parents didn't like the boyfriend, he was smart, quiet-shy I guess. Made really good grades in school. He was to smart for me and they said he couldn't be trusted, the quiet ones you had to look out for. He was walking me home from the bus stop, then helping me or TRYING to help me with Algebra.. I still don't get algebra!! lol Parents were always there when he would try and help me with the math stuff.

Then the next time we got to go out his older brother and his date took us to one of our High school basketball games and pizza. His mom drove us to a High school music concert. Then the parents decided I couldn't date anymore, I was 16 by then. Reason given was same that I mentioned above, he was to smart for me, and I needed to be a Junior to single date. We broke up or stopped going out on double dates. I was a sophomore he was a junior. He lived a block away. Saw him at school ever day. Once in a while we walked to class together or just said Hi, but that was it. I was crushed, I really really liked him..
He graduated and joined the marines, I had maybe two other dates in School until I graduated. He got engaged to another girl he had met his senior yr. from another school.

Didn't work out for him and her though, she wanted to date while he was doing his military duty.
To shorten the story, WE just celebrated our 38th anniversary this past May!! I was still a virgin too. ;)

You know your child L., keep talking and trusting her to do the right things. I followed all the rules, home on time or before curfews etc.. To have the privilege taken away from me. If it hadn't of been for my step dad, I probably wouldn't of been able to date at all until I graduated. My mom was the total controlling mom when it came to myself and my younger sister, our brother in the middle could do no wrong. LOL Mom even yelled at me on my wedding day as my maid of honor and I came in after 1 am from my bachelorette party.

Be fair,honest, keep talking and be encouraging L., in what ever you decide is best for her. It is better to get to know the boys she likes, get a feel for their maturity level etc.
God Bless you both I know and feel you and your daughter will be ok.

K. Nana of 5
PS my mom decided I must be preggers when I got married too. I paid for my own wedding. Had our first son 3 yrs later. Guess mom never trusted anyone, took her 3 marriages to make one last. She's gone now and I do miss her.

Sounds like you are worried about her having sex, but you are calling it "dating" and confusing your daughter. I'm not in your position, but I imagine if you forbid defining her relationship (such as it is) with this boy as "dating" -- or if you forbid them from holding hands, smiling at each other, or in any way treating each other as more than friends...then you will likely make her angry and push her to do something rebellious...like have sex!

Personally, I would be more accepting of the romance. Just make sure you keep the lines of communication open regarding sex. If you make yourself the big bad Enemy of Love, you will lose this fight!

I truly feel the more you try to keep her from having a boyfriend the more she will be drawn to him. Boyfriend is only a figure of speech at that age. It makes her feel there is a purpose for the relationship. She is old enough to start having a stronger curosity with the opposite sex.I would not discourage it I would speak more on safe sex and teen pregnancy. That is where the issues lies.
Believe me I have been there.

L.,
I certainly understand where you are on this issue. My suggestion would be to be careful of pushing her away. You already know she likes this kid, you know he likes her. What does being a boyfriend/girlfriend mean to each of them? Don't know, ask them together... I'm sure many kids have different ideas, I would be sure to get to know him a bit better. The more you push to keep them apart, might make them get closer and you certainly don't want her to betray your trust. Sounds like you two have a great relatonship so far, I have a 13 year old and AM NOT looking forward to this. I"m interested to find out how it works out for you. Keep us posted... good luck and don't give up, she'll respect you for it later...

You're putting yourself in the position of never knowing who your daughter dates. She will find ways to see this boy even if it's just at school (and believe me if they want to they can have sex at school).
Start having him to your house, to dinner or just to hang out, allow her to invite him along when you go to a movie or something. The known 'enemy' is much better than the unknown! You might find that your daughter has already become a good judge of character and that this is a wonderful young man. Trust that you have already given her the tools she needs for a good relationship.
I see that you are single, do you think that you have to have sex with a boyfriend? I feel that a boyfriend relationship is exploring they type of person you need in your life to make it fuller, not necessarily involving sex. but learning how to communicate with the opposite sex and how to make a good relationship by working together as a team to achieve relationship goals.
I've been married 29 years, have two daughters 25 & 27, a son 16. I've made mistakes in raising them, but they have turned out fairly well, my oldest daughter thought that you had to get a man by offering sex, she's not married with 4 kids. The second used sound judgment and has been in a relationship for 6 years, married for 2 and just gave birth to her first child. My son has been in a relationship with a girl for 2 years, they went places with us, spent time at her house, went to family functions together. It's just been lately that they have been alone together, I feel that having that time to be friends has taken the pressure off of them about sex, they are easy together and forged a good relationship before they were given that time alone.
Believe me getting to know your daughters friends is your best defense in avoiding the pitfalls of parenting.

I think that your rules could very likely end up coming back to bite you. MOST sixteen year olds are dating. I know if my parents had forbid me from dating when I was 16, I would have snuck around and done it anyway, they just wouldn't know about it. (I actually eloped when I was 18 and they didn't know about it until after I was already married, because I knew they were superstrict-even being superstrict they didn't have a problem with me dating once I was in high school- and I didn't care to have their input. I've been married 7 years so apparently I did know what I was doing, but they would have never ever agreed to it.) The only thing you are accomplishing by not "allowing her" to date is isolating her from you, in my opinion.

I'm sure that if they want to be boyfriend and girlfriend, they are, whether you know it or not. It just means she's not telling you about it. I personally would rather have them in my house than sneaking around. I also think that highschool relationships are a good learning place for relationships later on. I think it gives her a better idea how to deal with them, lets her get over heartaches young and find what she really wants in a guy (it's much easier to get out of a relationship that isn't good in highschool). I'm not exactly sure what you're worried about, but maybe that is a good place to start talking about things. I remember with my first boyfriend, my sister was really concerned about me having sex so young (I was 17) and we hadn't even kissed yet.

Whether you are being overly strict or not, it is up to you the rules of your house, but I do think that it is important to explain not just your rules, but your reasoning behind them and talk with her about them. She'll be off on her own soon and she won't have your rules, but you want her to keep your values.

K.

L.,
I'm probably not going to tell you what you want to hear. There is so much pressure on teenagers to fit it, and dating is one of those things. I was lucky, that my older dau. (age 23) didn't date much in high school. She was to involved in sports and books. The problem is, if you put too many restrictions on your daughter she will probably sneak around and see this guy anyway. That's when you find out from friends, or neighbors that have seen her out with him. I'd lay down the rules: a strict curfew, stating that you prefer group dates, etc. Make sure you are awake when she gets home and talk to her about the date. If she bolts for her room she might be trying to hide something, ie: booze....stand firm with expectations and don't give in. You'll probably hear how mean you are, but who cares?
Good luck. You will survive!

As a divorced mom of 3 girls (ages 21, 17, and 16) and a teen mom myself, I have to say this is one of the harder parts of parenting...the teenage years.

We know how we acted and felt back then and than project those experiences and fears onto our children. While some of those fears might be justified in today's every-changing world, we have to have a delicate balance between our fears and the reality of what is going on in the present day.

I feel that 16 is adequate for girls to start dating; however, I've always made sure that there was always adult supervision of some kind. This helps teenagers stay out of trouble. I remember back to how hard it was as a teenagers to simply say "no" to my peers and from what I've seen of today's generation that has not changed. Matter of fact, they have even more chances to get into trouble with the increasing technology, accessibility to drugs and alcohol, and sex offenders more prominent today(among other things). Teens often feel what I call the "It Can't Happen To Me" Syndrome. I'm here to tell them, "It Can Happen to You and the statistics are there to show how likely it can. I'm living proof and I indeed once said, "It Can't or It Won't Happen to Me." Guess what? It COULD and it DID happen to me regardless if I said that or not. I've been spending the rest of my life overcoming those choices I've made as a teenager ever since. Those choices you make as a teenager CAN affect the rest of YOUR life as well as affect the lives of those around you.

Teens often cover up for other teens because he/she does not want to lose the friendship, so while "group dating" is one option, I did not feel comfortable with that option for my girls.

The other is that one set of parents escorts the teens on a date (since in my case, neither could drive themselves), and I meet the parents if they chaperon so they know what is expected as the family rules may be different at the other teen's house.

When my girls wanted to go to a friend's house that I did not know or trust, I gave them the option of staying at our house or hanging out at our house so that I knew what was going on while they still got the benefit of "hanging out" with their friends. My daughters often times did not like that; however, after their friend's met me and said they thought I was cool, that helped go a long way with my daughters.

In the event of a school activity (such as a dance), they were chaperoned by the teachers. We also checked with the school before hand to make sure there was no way they could leave early, sneak out, do something elsewhere, and sneak back in, considering the decently large size school my daughters attended compared to when I was in school.

I also started young talking to my daughters about puberty and later safe sex practices and how I felt about their choices and decisions. I also (while sometimes hesitantly) told my daughters of some of my high school day experiences so that they could see me as more of a person than just mom and could have a better understanding for why I do the things the way I do. It doesn't always work on the spot but sometimes it does, and other times it eventually sinks in and works. We just never know. We do the best we can at the time, with the knowledge and experiences we have, and then we have to hope that is enough. That is what is the tough part of parenting.

While there are many books out there on the subject there is NO ONE technique that I've found (yet)from parents that works EVERY TIME on EVERY child.

I would suggest; however, to look into some of the parenting books, such as "How to Listen so Kids will Talk and Talk so Kids will Listen" and the parenting class "Love & Logic." I've heard both are excellent parenting resources.

You might also look in your community to see if there is any parenting support groups for parents of teenagers; if not...start one!

If you ever need to talk, drop me a line.
Good luck!

L.,
I am afraid as parents that what we want and what we get is often way apart, and sometimes worlds apart. My oldest 2 daughters are 22 and 24. They have both been in committed relationships that fizzled. They have been cheated on, dumped, and yes, had sex outside of marriage. I don't like it. But I tried all kinds of ways to allow them to see people in safe ways. We had kids over in our home, took them to the beach, always chaperoned, even went on expensive meals with them before prom. In the end, they just revealed that they were sexually active way earlier than I wanted them to be. One was 18 before she was with a guy. The other was only 14! I am glad I did not know that back then!

Then # 3 came a long. So many people had tried and tried to tell us that we held on too tight with the others. So little by little we cut those apron strings. We tried to do it in subtle ways at first. Eventually, she came and went as she pleased, drove a year earlier than her sisters did, worked outside the home full-time while attending school and moved out of the house to stay with one of her older and "wiser" sisters. That was said very tongue in cheek! Well this lovely lady is back home, pregnant, and growing up way faster than her older sisters.

What you need to realize is that we can't have a crystal ball. My brother was raised in the same home I was. I became a Christian, he did not. I never smoked or drank, he does and has had several dui arrests. He is becoming a Grandfather for the 4th time and I am becoming a Grandmother for the first time. We started our parenting lives only 2 weeks apart from each other. Our first 2 children are the same age.

We homeschooled our children, took them to church, talked openly about sex from early on and shared the truth with them about our own pasts. They did exactly what THEY WANTED.

I will change nothing about how we raise our 4th daughter. She's 8 years old. We will home school a few more years and I will start to try and get her father to pry his hands off of her. He feels we was too loose with them all and that's why they have all given themselves away in that way. But if you knew my daughters you would see what I see. They are head strong girls, independent, good workers, like school, have plans for their lives, lovely girls without a hard edge. They are not perfect. But they are great girls. I don't believe in everything they are doing. But they are informing me all a long the way about how things are in the world today. It has always been difficult to get kids to slow down. It's even worse now.

Suzi

My opinion is that if you don't let her date with some perimeters then she may sneak off to date. I found out after the fact that my daughter went out her window most weekends after she got back from her curfew. It is better to communicate with her and allow her some leeway. You should also talk about sex because it is coming whether you think it will or not. It may have already happened.

She is 16! There is nothing wrong with having a boyfriend. You want her to start dating/showing intrest in boys while she is living at home with you, and has you there to make sure things don't get out of control. If you wait just two more years she will be away at college, or had moved out on her own, and then you won't know what she is doing...

She is 16... if she wasn't intrested in that kind of social relationship, then you should be worried!

Encourage her to do Group dates and activities... she can still have fun without a ton of pressure to do things that should wait until later. My parents encouraged my dates to be group dates until I graduated, it worked out great for me.

I think it depends on the teen. If you think that having a boyfriend would distract her from her schoolwork, that is a valid concern. You are the mom. You can be as strict or lenient as you wish. Keep talking to your daughter. Communication is a good thing. I agree with some of the other responses that having a boyfriend doesn't necessarily mean having sex. I have three daughters. My youngest will turn 16 next month. My 20 year old decided for herself that boyfriends are too distracting from school and she doesn't currently have one. My 18 year old has been dating the same boy since she was 15 and she still graduated high school with a 4.0. My youngest has been going out with the same guy for about 8 months now and she maintains at least a 3.5 in school. Every teen is different. I met my husband when I was 14 and I married him at 18. We celebrate our 23rd anniversary in November.

i believe she should be aloud to spend time with him in a controlled environment with friends and or parents. I agree that they should not be on "dates" as a couple alone. often youth will say they are going steady but dont actually go anywhere together, just sit together as often as possible at school. it is important for youth to get to know how to be friends with each other so they do not feel uncomfortable with the opposite sex. My mother was way too strict and as soon as i was aloud out of the house i did EVERYTHING and had no idea how to be a friend to guys with out being physical. my girls have guy friends and girl friends and are comfortable around each, they go out in groups and have their friends over often, where as parents we are included in their activities and most of their discussions. i hope this has been helpful. Pray and may God lead you in the right direction for you and your daughter. Instill abstinence and purity.

I agree with Shannon B. If you are too strict--you will wind up with a wild-child jumping out the window in the middle of the night to see this boyfriend. Encouraging her to see him in appropriate settings (your home for a while, then once trust is built--movies, mall, etc.). If you find that she, in anyway, lied or manipulated you in where she was going/what she was doing, tighten up a bit. This is how my mom did it, and I will one day do it. 16 is a fine age to be going out with boys, as long as she's educated in the dangers of sex (pregnancy, std's, etc. PLUS understands how to stay safe--FYI, research has proven this does NOT make kids think sex is ok--the more they know, the more freaked out they get! I specialize in teen addiction counseling.
In anycase...I think it's time to give her a bit of freedom and let her find herself (a bit, college is REALLY the time to do that to the fullest extent!)...a friend of mine had a 16 yr old (now 18) and was SUPER strict (her mother got pregnant at 16 yrs old with her!). The kid ran away, moved in with a boy, got pregnant, had an abortion and wound up on drugs. She came from two very well educated parents and a structured family...but, we can't shelter them forever...but, don't we wish we all could?!?!

YOu need to lighten up and trust your daughter a little bit. She is no longer a child and needs to learn how to makes decisions. You are undermining her normal development in separating from her family and becoming an independent young woman. You don't seem to have a clue about the boyfriend/girlfriend thing. Kids at this age are discovering the other sex - but that does not mean they are automatically having sex. If that is a fear of yours, get her on birth control and discuss std's.

Additionally, other of her friends are probably pairing up and doing things with other couples - you're putting her in a position to be left out of her social scene. I hope you will discuss this with a therapist or something and explore what your problems with all this are.

I don't have any advice, but I do think you are a good mom and am pretty sure you have a wonderful daughter.

I don't think you are being too strict. I think you made a good point asking her what she thought being boyfriend/girlfriend means and why she wants to do it. I do agree that the teen years are a good time to learn how to develop relationships and deal with the heartbreak. I also agree that the more open the communication is between you, the better, because you don't want them sneaking around too much. But it sounds like you have been talking about it which is good. The one thing I would suggest is the Love and Logic approach - giving her choices and helping her to realize she's the one who has to live with them. Ask her to really think through what she thinks would happen on a date and how comfortable she would be in that situation. I think she should be allowed to date at 16, but to think through the best choices - double dating, going to public places instead of spending a lot of time alone, hanging out at your house when you are home, etc. You want her to have a couple of years experience dating while you are there before she's on her own at college at 18. Good luck!!

Wouldn't it be nice if we lived in the Old Testament Bible days where a wife was just chosen for the man and that was it? Well, not in this culture and this time but I did read a story by a lady from a country where this practice is still done and she told a very beautiful story of how they 'fell in love' and that love is not sex but being kind, caring,etc. and then they did love each other and have a family. Love and dating and sex should never be confused. The main thing I think is to teach your child that they are worth so much and life is so short and that they are responsible for their own actions. The Bible says in 2 Timothy 2:22:
"Flee the evil desires of youth, and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, along with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart."
I guess I would say to teach them first to want to be pure, to know and love God and then they are responsible to him for their actions too. The thing you hear so often from kids is 'it felt so 'right' and so often we fool ourselves. I have two books you might want to check out just to see if you agree with them on what they call 'courtship dating'. It's dating but with the families involved and like someone already wrote on here it is seeing each other in everyday situations and not just on best behavior on a 'date' situation. You see each other in good and bad settings and how you respond to family and friends and you become part of each others lives in a different way. The titles are: "His Perfect Faithfulness" by Eric and Leslie Ludy and is the story of their courtship. The other is "Of Knights and Fair Maidens" by Jeff and Danielle Myers. You could decide if you agree with this approach. You would be part of their relationship, not just spying on them. I don't mean that negatively but to kids it may seem that is what we do as parents. Another good book, old but good, is "Passion and Purity" by Elisabeth Elliot. Your daughter could read that one too.
Every one is different and we can't dictate how you raise your child but purity and doing right is the same for all of us. I would think age 16 is a fair age to be special friends but with values, beliefs and part of the 16 yr. olds life and not just you trying to make them. Of course you need to have your guide lines too though.
It should be a fun time so hope you have a wonderful time with your daughter and her friends.

I understand where you are coming from and it doesn't seem to make since why teens want to date if they are not ready to be looking for the one.And eventhough your Daughter is upset with you she will appreciate you caring later.I think you need to find a happy medium.If you overeact it could cause her to rebel and do things behind your back.And she will not be comfortable to talk to you if a situation arises.However you don't want her to just do whatever she wants either.So I would allow her to date but she has to do it supervised.He can come over when your home,Go there when his Parents are home.Go to a movie and sit a few rows in front of you,etc...You need to make sure you are giving respect to her in order for her to want to respect you.If she has been wanting to date really bad for a long time there's a good possibility she has already been doing things behind your back.EX: I am going to "Sally's" house.

I think you are being too strict and it might back fire on you. I think 16 is the perfect age to start dating. Dating does not mean having sex. Be open and honest with your daughter about sex and how it's inappropriate, dangerous and could cause pregnancy. How sad she can't have a boyfriend over to your house. She is only going to sneak around now to be with him.

Wow, this is almost like an instant replay of my own world. My daughter, now 18 and doing well, also put me through the same feelings, worries and stresses. The only thing I can say is, GOOD JOB MAMMA! Stick to your guns, stay involved in and with your daughters world. Those darn hormones! Just prepare yourself, one moment shes your little girl, and then somehow shes not a virgin. She will not tell you, even if you think you two have a great open communication level. Its like the old saying goes, "you can run but you cant hide", I wish I had someone to prepare me a little more. WE have religion, open communication, and what I thought was trust. STUPID ME! So keep up the good work and just love her!

Honestly I do think you are being a little to strict. She is 16 and you can not protect her forever. If she doesn't learn from some of these experiences now with you around to guide her what do you think will happen when she goes to college? It is hard for parents to let go but it is something to has to be done. At her age the more fuss you put up the more she will go against you. The last thing you want is for her to start sneaking around behind your back to see him getting herself in more trouble. You have to meet her in the middle on things like this. No you don't have to let her stay out all night with him but I don't see the harm in letting him come over to your house to hang out or going out to see a movie. By doing this you are actually having more control over the situation and teaching her to make the right decisions now before she is on her own. Good luck.

My question is what do you think dating is. I am the Mother of a 16 year old boy. My son and his friends spend most of their time in groups. If and when they are "dating" the only difference seems to be that they text each other more often. Unless you are keeping her in your house at all times there is a very real possibility that they are seeing each other at friends houses. Wouldn't you rather he came to your house so you could get to know him. You could do as several of us parents do host a movie night have your daughter invite her friends provide snacks and get to know her friends. You have to let go at some point and I would rather it be while I am able to still make some of the rules regarding curfew ect.

I think that at her age the boyfriend/girlfriend thing has a different meaning than what an adult places on it - try not to over analyze it. At out house the rule is group dating is ok at 16, but not one-on one dating without special permission. This gives me a chance to get to know the kids that mine hang out with better and know who I'm comfortable with. At 17 singles dating is allowed. Luckily my current teen isn't yet seriously interested yet at 14! I think the main thing is to keep communication open without reading our own concerns into the situation(my daughter knows that I was pregnant at 14 and married at 16, so these are hot buttons for me). She is level headed and I trust her. Try giving your daughter controlled situations to spend time with her friend at first, then see if she can handle the responsibility of more freedom...

Hi L.!
My daughter is only 4 and Im already wondering what I am going to do! It sounds like you are doing pretty good with it. I am only 26, and can remember my teenage years clearly. I think your daughter should focus on school work and any other activities that shes busy with. Girls can get so caught up with boyfriends and not focus on anything else. I know my silly little self did! I dont want my daughter to do that and also deal with the drama of having a boyfriend!
But on the other hand, if you completely forbid it, she will probably do it behind your back and become quite good at lying, which you dont want either. I know they say you need to be your daughters mother and not her friend, which I completely agree with, they ALWAYS need guidance, but I think there can also be a happy medium where your not so strict that shes afraid to tell you the truth or talk to you about issues that she needs to. I know this is horrifing, but my girlfriends were having sex at 16. YIKES!
So I guess Im saying, just keep telling her how important it is for her to focus on herself right now, I guess at 16 it wouldnt be the end of the world if she had a boyfriend, but I would monitor the situation very closely and make sure she is not getting too rapped up in it. Good luck! Let us know how it goes. I will probably need plenty of advice when it comes to this!