Teen Dating Older Kid

Hi S.,

I have been in the same situation. I would suggest that you ask the kid poignant, though provoking, open ended questions, to guide her on her way.

Please let us know if this boy fizzles as quickly as girls styles:-)

Best,
T. CD (DONA)

This is a difficult situation both legally and emotionally.

Depending on the exact age difference of these two, the boy could be committing a sex crime, if he indeed was sexually involved with this girl and at least 48 months older than her. That is something to consider, I am no lawyer, but he may want to consult one before getting more involved.

Another point is to make sure these young people are educated enough to know how to protect themselves from sexually transmitted diseases and unintended pregnancy.

It's not too unusual for teenagers to engage in promiscuity as a reaction of problems at home. This girl obviously does not feel like she is loved and/or welcomed at home and is looking for attention elsewhere. You could urge her to speak to a counselor at school or talk to her mom about some professional help for their problems at home.
To be quite frank, most of my friends lost their virginity around that age (between 14 and 16) with no apparent harm to them neither back then nor in their future. Of course this was not in the US, but in my home country premarital sex is generally tolerated and children receive sex education as early as elementary school. All of my friends were on the pill before they started having sex, it was a pretty common topic. Most of them are now married, or in committed relationships and have no regrets about the past. We often talk about how our former boyfriends might be doing now, there is always someone who ran into someone...

In my eyes, fact is, that she is probably going to end up having sex sooner or later (probably sooner) and your main focus should be that she practices safe sex, when she does.

It's a difficult situation for you, since you are not her mom. You can't actually forbid her to see the boy or take her to get health services - but you can show her where to access that information (for example planned parenthood, or even her family doctor) and communicate to her that you would encourage her to wait.

Mother her anyway. My BFF when I was young (and still is) was the girl you described. She is most likely having sex already and drugs and alcohol are close by. Talk with her about birth control, take her to planned parenthood. Give her permission to call you anytime to come pick her up if she is in a bad situation. You cannot save her from experiencing things before she is ready, but you can save her from a downward spiral life. My bff had a few "surrogate moms". She is now a happily married to her college sweetheart mom of 3, with a comfortable stable life. Good Luck and by all means, do not be worried about stepping on her moms toes. If you cross the line, the mom will let you know. She most likely will secrety be thankful.

I don't know the whole story but it seems to me the support and friendship efforts may have been better spent on her mother. The teen has a mom they might not get a chance to work on their relationship when the she can always run to you. It is not normal to have a family that is never going to be good enough. How can her mother even begin to compete with so many vacations and why should she have to? A lot of families can't afford even one of those vacations but they find fun things to do together. I also wonder how long you have been giving this girl an out. All these vacations sound like years and she is only 14? Those are crucial and confusing years of a girl's life. A lot of girls have difficulties with their parents during this time. I bet a lot of girls wouldn't be happy at home with options to go on free vacations away from the folks! Also, consider this; if all your efforts were making up for her dissapointments at home she probably would not be with all these boys. She still doesn't know how to get along in her own family and has added issues. If she gets pregnant are you going to help raise her baby too? Maybe you could help the parents help the child. You help them to help themselves and in that way you help the child.
Also, where do you 'hear' things from? The source or the teen? Remember, there is always going to be more than one side to every story. I hope everything works out okay. Good luck. It definitely seems your heart is in the right place.

S.,
I can see why you're asking for help--you want to handle this in just the right way. The way I see it, you are in a *perfect* position to be there for her because you're like her mom, but you're not her mom! Don't try to tell her to stop seeing this boy, but you should make a time to have a talk with her--about sex (whether she's having it) and birth control (if she is having sex or if she's thinking about it) and about STDs. Don't do it as a scare tactic, of course, just as a matter of concern for her. Ask her about the boy--what she likes about him, is there anything that concerns her? He might be a great, sweet responsible 17-year-old OR he might be a jerk who is using her... Asking her questions about him will help her come to her own conclusions. It also makes you a safe person for her to talk to. You're not going to freak out about anything, you'll talk to her like an adult, you'll give her unbiased information and you'll give her your opinion from your heart (out of your love for her). She's going to make her own mistakes (we ALL do that) but you can help steer her in the right direction.
I guess what I'm saying is... Keep doing what you're doing ;)

Don't assume the worst about 17 year old boys. Make him welcome in your home to visit when she is visiting. Invite him to dinner. Tell the girl that you would value the chance to get to know him better, and have her bring him over. Call his parents and get to know them. Keep building that village that you are a part of:)I do foster respite care for a foster parent who houses 15 year old girls and that is what we do when they have boyfriends that are older. It has worked out great. We have gotten to know some really nice boys,(who at first meeting we may not have had the greatest first impression) and have added them to our family of friends, even after the dating has ended. Boys need guidance too, and need to know that there are adults willing to be role models for them too, that they can come to for guidance as well. Get to know them as human beings, not as threats. Attach a family(i.e. YOU:) to that girl you care about to humanize her to the boys she is dating, and she won't be a victim. Create relationships, and connect the dots of our communities:) Good luck!
ps- You are very respectful towards not stepping over the parenting boundary:) You can share with the mom what steps you are taking to get to know the boy better(if you choose to do so)and let her know that you will share what you learn:)Very simple; you have wholeheartedly accepted the role of the protective Auntie, you have true love with good intentions involved, and you want to be a part of keeping your "chosen" Niece safe and be part of the village that helps to guide her through adolescence:)

It sounds to me like she is already "older" than we want her to be and probably so because of her home situation.

It is a blessing that she has you and hopefully someday she can give you credit for what you have done for her. In my honest opinion, yes, they probably are getting too serious...what else would a boy that age want with an under aged girl?

None the less, keep talking openly with her and tell her how much you care and how much you have done to keep a relationship with her. She should respect that. This is gonna be harder to hear, but talk with her about acceptable behavior at her age and the consequences of getting her heart broken, if all this boy is after is her body...You may have to equip her with condoms and knowledge to prevent an unwanted pregnancy - if she doesn't know what she wants, sex will happen to try to fill empty spaces in her heart that her real father left her with. I know I have been there...thankfully, I didn't get pregnant (because my sis put me on birth control) or a terrible disease. She needs you to be there for her - it is apparent in her pleading. She may need a firm voice of disapproval of the behavior (not her) but by all means, please try to talk to her as an adult...it could mean the difference in her listening and thinking for herself, and her going too far with this boy.

It is a hard and sticky situation especially when you have done so well with your own and have a "stricter" and more real parenting style with your own children. I so wish you well with this as I can tell you are worried...and pray that you are able to make that deep connection with her so that she can start to respect herself better than she has.

Wow, I can really see your struggle. It is a good thing that this young girl has a comfortable enough relationship with you to talk about such matters. How is your relationship with her mom? What about the two of you going out for a cup of coffee to visit. Bring the mom gently up to speed in what has been talked about. Ask her how she feels about the daughter sharing this information with you. Do you best to be as open as possible. Ask the mom if it is ok for you to continue to talk to the daughter about this sensitive topic. If life at home is more hectic (as you stated) then maybe the mom will appreciate that you are showing concern as well as doing your best to keep her in the loop.

If the mom states that no she does not want your involvement then gently talk with the girl and share with her that this is a topic that she needs to sit with her mom and talk about. You can work on other areas of the relationship minus the sensitive subject to help show this girl that you still care and will be there.

But if after this you & mom agree that the daughter can talk with you about this subject, make sure the mom tells the daughter that it is OK that you talk - makes sure that things are not hidden. In the long run this young girl will appreciate that she has two great "moms" concerned for her & her welfare. So back to if mom gives permission...I would research some books that are developed for this age to help them learn that their bodies are a gift & to not just throw it away to a different guys every few weeks (in addition to all the medical issues that can arise). Part of this could also be this little girl crying out for attention that she is not receiving elsewhere and does not know how to show or ask for it. Just having someone "safe" to talk with can help her open up about her feelings, her experiences, her expectations, and more. Are you or her family involved with church? If so maybe connect her with the youth pastor/staff to help her develop the skills to be strong in relationships (again work with her mom to make sure they are comfortable with this approach). As the foundation that they receive as young teens will help set them up for adulthood. One other thing is to see if there is female adult around who has made mistakes in her teens and is willing to help educate those in the same situation now so they dont have to learn the hard way. Sometimes it takes things coming at different angles or approaches for teens to hear anything. Be grateful that she is coming to you, this could also be a good approach to then segway into this conversation with your own daughter, if she can see you are easy to talk to now then as she gets older then she can keep that verbal relationship open with you. God Bless

S. - I'd invite her over for supper or something. Tell her you miss her because you haven't seen her lately. Invite normal conversation - how's school going, what have you been up to? Oh, a boyfriend? What's he like? Oh, it's pretty serious? How do you feel about that? Are you a little confused or scared when you're alone together?

This is your opportunity to be the one she opens up to and confides in. Chances are she needs some affection/attention from an older man, and this is where she's finding it. Which is a dangerous situation that could easily hurt her more and add to the confusion of what kind of a man she should be going to for emotional fulfillment.

Do your best to listen completely and give good advice that comes straight from your love for her. She will be able to see that, and she'll take your advice to heart if she continues to trust you.

Then just pray!

I don't know what to tell you about the parenting issue. As a trusted adult could she possibly bring the boy over for you to meet? If she does you can remind him that he could lose his license for breaking the law. (Transporting minors during the probationary period.) Or you can let this girl know that he could lose his license if she continues to ride with him. I would continue the attempts to talk to this girls mom. She probably won't change but she needs to be aware of what her daughter is up to.

Good luck.

I think you should talk to her and try everything you can. Make sure you express to her that you are advising out of love and care for her. Also remind her that you cannot make her do anything, and it is her choice in the end. Give her your honest opinion, educated her on what guys think about nonstop, educate her on waiting, on loving herself, on babies, personal responsibility, integrity, etc. The longer you wait, the closer she'll get to him and less likely she'll be to let him go.

It sounds like she needs someone to talk to and appreciates you being there. I would keep opening my door and heart to her without parenting her. Taffy gives good advice about asking her questions that will help her explore what she's doing.

It's too bad her mom isn't giving her what she needs in the parenting department, but at least an older friend is giving her some guidance. Ina is right that you can't stop her from having sex or seeing a boyfriend, but you can make her feel good about herself and ask her questions about her actions.

S.,

I wouldn't try to be her parent, you're not; even though you've raised this girl. I seem to remember there being something in WA state law that says something about dating someone under the age of 16, and also something about a 4 year age gap.

I would suggest going to, or calling, your local police station and asking some questions.

Hope this helps,
Melissa