Teen in Long Term Relationship - and It's Many Dramas!

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Like many of the other responders, I agree that it sounds like the relationship and the boyfriend are great. I would be very thankful for that, as I'm sure you are, what a great first experience. What I always remember my mother telling me growing up (with the jealousy from friends) is that people only act that way when they wish the could be more like you. It should be taken as a compliment even when it doesn't seem that way initially. She always stressed that I should keep my head held high, act appropriately, and set a good example for others. You will get and keep much respect this way. The breakdowns happen at that age, but you do it in private with people you trust (parents and a FEW good friends). There are always some friends that will take your most intimate feelings and rip them to shreds...I think it is great that you have a close relationship with your daughter, just let her vent these things to you and be there for her. The feelings she has won't go away, but she doesn't need to let everyone know about them...just tell her to stand proud and be herself (and to have as much fun as she can doing it).

It doesn't sound like the issue is the boy, it sounds like the issue is other girls. Friendships are really tough for girls when one has a boyfriend and the others do not. Teens in relationships easily get all caught up in each other and neglect their same sex friends (adults do this too). What teen girl would not want a great boyfriend like your daughter has? Being envious comes naturally at this age. To some girls having a boyfriend means everything. Not excusing anyone who has been mean-jealous or unkind to your daughter, but yes, she will always have those who envy her relationship and not do act in a mature way about it. You said she can't talk to her friends about it, maybe she should try talking to her friends about other subjects other than her boyfriend. And maybe hang out with other couples. Also, I would encourage her to schedule equal time for her "girlfriends" girls movie nights, girls night out, etc. If she clings too tightly to him, that may eventually drive him away. I would encourage her to keep a healthy balance.

OK, so I realize this is late but I wanted to add that I married my high school sweetheart (I met him when I was 14) and went through exactly what your daughter is going through. I was a fly under the radar kind of girl. My husband was big man on campus. Lots of drama. If she's in an adult(ish) relationship, I say take her down to the bookstore and look for a book that fits on teens and dating. Educate her. I'm sure you can find one that's on point. When I was dating it was Dr. Laura's 10 Stupid Things book, it helped me get a broader focus.

It sounds like she is very involved in this relationship and it's a lot of work but if she's able to have an outlet, something that is just hers and hers alone--a pottery class, a gym membership, horseback riding she's going to be more balanced and better off. This relationship is her whole world right now and any threat is going to seem profoundly intense and over the top. Your job is to teach her balance. When she has several passions in her life, she won't be as shaky and she will be more confident as a woman.

You should push and push and push her developing her own sense of self apart from this young man. It's healthy for their relationship, healthy for her, and hopefully will get you towards a place of more peace.

It sounds like you are doing everything you can, being an attentive, hands-on parent and guiding your daughter through this wonderfully. As much as us mommas want to help our kiddos through every tough time in life, we can't. It's the suckiest part of being a momma in my humble opinion. It sounds like this is another opportunity for your daughter to grow and mature. It hurts now, but she will be soooo much better equipped to handle things away from home when she starts college. I would back up a bit, be there when she needs to cry or vent, and let her figure it out. You sound like you are doing great! Keep strong momma!

As a high school teacher I see this every day - and I would agree with you that it is much about maturity. Perhaps a conversation with her guidance counselor would help or even school psychologist? The counselor could chat with her or give you some insight as to how to work more effectively with your teenager? In my opinion the worst thing I see parents do is to ignore these signs and pretend that the kids will figure out how to deal with it. Children need to be taught social skills and how to handle their feelings, just like we teach them how to read/write/etc. I applaud you for having such a wonderful relationship with your daughter and hope that everything works out for the best!

I got my first and last boyfriend in High school. You would have described me in the same mannerism as her. Good student, superior honor roll, member of the band, in all AP classes. I got a boyfriend and he was wonderful. A jealous boy he was. Didn't help I was popular. Anyways things were pretty good for awhile. But before I knew it I had no friend. I had alienated them all. I had one friend and it was his. yay! That really hurt that I lost all my friends. Then we after about a year had sex, oh by the way we were watched like hawks so that couldn't happen, we skipped class and went behind portables at high school and had sex. We found a way. But that made things get worse on us. We got even more serious and started playing house practically.

To make the end I'll be a cautionary tale. I got married too little. I lost all my friends. I made mistakes. So watch them closely. I wish they had us. I'm still married to him 12 years later. We have 3 kids. I love him to death. But we made lots of mistakes that I wished we hadn't. So watch them guide her. There is so much that I wished I could have changed. We got married young. Had our first kid when I was 21. I wished I would have done so much more.... But sure I'd never change anything about my life now.... But in hindsight I wish things could end up the same with a few additions. Going to college is so hard with babies. Going to college when you are 18 and have moved out therefore require a full time job is very very hard. So we waited... till the inevitable kids.

I could say a ton more but I really wish someone had been more of a mentor to me and made me understand instead of after awhile just getting harder and harder on us.

If the issue isn't the BOY but the other people and your daughter's inability to handle things, then breaking up would not be the answer.

I would work with her about how to work through issues like this. These could be life lessons. Okay, so Judy is telling you that Rick was flirting with Cassie. You get upset...but did you talk to Rick? Did he flirt with Cassie or just talk to her because they are lab partners? Has Rick given you reason to be jealous? Stop. Think. Then act.

Her own insecurities could be being preyed upon by others and she needs to learn how to survey the situation before reacting. I know hormones don't make it easier, but if she can be level-headed at other times, she can learn to be level-headed about this.

You can also talk to her about how SHE wants to be treated. Would she want Rick storming down the hall accusing her of cheating because she said hi to Jim in passing? No. She should treat him with the same respect. She should be proud to be his GF, not scared by it.

I think her friends are just not at the same level/life experience and she should look for more outlets.

I wonder, is there something your daughter could get into to boost herself confidence, get her a broader group of friends and teach her to chill? Like a martial arts class? Horseback riding?

I always thought this age was for exploring what you like and don't like in other people.
Exclusive relationships should be saved for when you've seen what's out there and are ready to narrow down your choices.
Jealousy - it can drive people away, and it shows a lot of insecurity.
He and she should enjoy flirting right now - with each other and with others.
If the relationship is meant to be, they'll weather the rest of high school and collage and then get married. It's what my husband and I did (we met in high school and married 9 years later after we earned our degrees (at different collages) and got jobs in our fields of expertise).

I think what you are describing is normal, only better. I would be glad the boy is treating her well, and that they seem to have such a respectful relationship. Yes, it seems young, but my parents let me date starting at 14, gave me more freedom than I was ready for, and the boy was not so respectful, and it turned out to be very hard on my self-esteem after dating for a year.

The school drama seems perfectly normal, too. I can't imagine this drama would be any better if your daughter was switching between boys often, as I would bet many girls are. Then you would have the added drama of breakups. Jealousy in relationships can happen at any age.

I don't think "forcing them to break up" is even possible, it would just lead to sneaking around and it would end the positive communications you seem to have with your daughter now. One more thing on communication, ninth grade is not too early for birth control, if you've not already addressed that with your daughter.

Alot of that is confidence. The girls are causing trouble because they want to be seen with a popular boy. Its not even really about like the boy. Its about being seen with him. Having someone else think they are with him, and moving up the ladder so to speak.

When I was in high school I started 'hall dating' this guy. i.e. we hung out in the halls, talked on the phone, etc. but hadn't gone out on a date. About 2 weeks into 'the relationship', he tells me that he has to stop seeing me. Why? Oh, you know. No I don't enlighten me. Truth? Truth... I only hung out with you to make me more popular with the other girls, and well it's not working like I thought it would.....

However, the fastest way to lose a guy is to tell him who he can and can't talk to... high school is a very fine balancing act.

M.

Oh boy. I remember those days. I don't think there was anything my parents could have said to me to make me think any differently about my boyfriend or our relationship. I think it may just be one of those things she has to go through on her own.

Looking back, I was jealous and probably needy. Ok, definitely needy. It was my first love and I thought we would be together forever. It did last two years, and no one could have told me it wasn't right. I think the "give them space" knowledge comes with maturity. I had college relationships that were still sprinkled with jealousy and neediness. I just don't know how to explain that it's important for both people to have their own friends, interests, time apart, etc.

I am willing to bet, there are some good teen relationship books out there. I would take a trip to your library/book store to see what's out there. Literature for both you and your daughter to read. You see it on the tv shows with this kind of scenerio - the girl gets too comfortable and the boy wants to hang with his friends. She's jealous. They fight, he breaks up with her.....Maybe there's a movie/tv show about that and if she sees it on the tv - and not coming from your mouth - it will penetrate a little better? I can't think of anything off the top of my head, but I know there are some out there.

I wish you lots of luck with this one. If you find any useful information anywhere, will you share? I know there's a lot of us going through this or will be soon. Any good tips will be much appreciated!!!!!

hi S.,

I was never on this situation until i was older...

but one of my best girlfriends had a bf since we were in 8th grade....13 years later they are getting married....i do believe you should explore life a little bit and have other experiencies with people before marrying someone, but they are in love they had always been, none of them ever cheated, they never split, not even 4 a second....

but you know the down part...she barely has friends..because hes very possessive and jealous, and for him all of us were skanks, because we dated and not were involved in serious relationships since we were 12....

he alienated her from everyone else....this is the part that i never liked about their relationship, when we turned 16 we had a trip to another country she didnt go because he didnt allowed her....when we graduated and went to cancun she didn't....she never went to anything.....because he was jealous....or immature and insecure...13 years later and is just the same....

i really hope your girl can handle her feelings, cuz i dont think theres a lot of people who can live within does terms and he sounds like a great guy, but together or apart both of them need to have life experiences.....

i dont know if this will help you, just letting you know that he might be the one for her,,?

Great opportunity to teach her how to balance same sex and m/f relationships and teach her at a young age not to abandon her girlfriends. If she's busy w/ other people, activities, etc . then the 'relationship' will have balance in her life... like it should. Having someone be your 'everything' isn't healthy at any age.

This is what high school's about... figuring out relationships. Not to us as parents, it's about an education, but to kids that age it's about the social pyramid, finding out who you are, where you fit, and yes, about relationships. This is puppy love... no matter what happens, she's going to look back on this boy as her first real boyfriend (good for her! It seems to be a WONDERFUL first experience! We could all only hope for the same for our daughters). It's trial and error. This is when you (continue to supervise) and push the baby bird out of the nest. If she needs someone to talk to about her relationship, let her know you're always there, and while you might not agree with her view on things, you'll support her and let her know what you think is best... but then let her feel her way through it on her own. She'll learn nothing if you hold her hand through everything. I know it's scary, but this is time to let your (big) little one fly solo and start figuring out the world on her own. If she goes to college out of state, you won't be able to protect her during every waking moment like you can now. She needs to live and learn, and with that, she'll learn about love. Think of your past break ups... do they REALLY matter now? Probably not. But you were probably devastated at the time, right? She'll learn, but this is something she needs to start figuring out by herself... with you standing by with guidance when she's ready :) For me, I wasn't ready for my mothers guidance until I had children of my own. My mother was VERY pushy and nosy and bossy when I was your daughters age, and it definately put up a huge wall between us. You don't want that with your daughter. Just sit on the sidelines, see how things play out, and be there to catch your baby if she falls :)

Making them break-up is definitely not the solution here. It sounds like he's a nice kid and respects your daughter, but that her fellow female classmates don't! No matter how mature your daughter may seem, she is still 14 or 15 and having another girl flirt with her boyfriend is going to put her over the edge.

You may be more successful in having his mom talk to him about how to avoid those situations with the other girls.

What you are seeing is her lack of maturity and experience, not a "real problem"- especially if they are able to work through it. She's going to meltdown, that's what adolescents do. Just remind her that at the end of the day, he's on HER couch, snuggling with HER and the mean girls are probably home alone!