Taking My Son to 'Meet'his Aunt?

i do think you should let him decide this, and i definitely think it would be ABSOLUTELY wrong to do it behind his back. you use the word baby, so i have to think that until this child is old enough to ask questions, like the girls, you should leave it alone. babies don't need to be introduced to the concept of death and dying and cemetaries. you would be doing this child a disservice. just deal with this situation the best way you can with yourself. when the child is old enough to wonder why mom and dad always talk about this person he has never met, then you can address it. there's a reason we don't introduce this subject to small kids.

i have to wonder about the wisdom of both of you being so wrapped up with someone who has been gone so long, who was gone "long before" you even came into the picture...you mention the girls are old enough to see pictures and ask about them, but never got to meet her. that sounds like it's been awhile. not that there's anything wrong with honoring someone's memory and respecting what you feel would have been their wishes, but there does come a time where we have to move on. this is someone you never even met. i don't think you're being morbid, but i do wonder if your Bf might be unhealthily hanging on to his sister, and expecting your world to involve her a lot more than it should. it sounds like you support him, which is great, but i think it's a little much. just my opinion, maybe there's a lot more to it than i am seeing. but please don't go behind his back and take his baby to a cemetary.

Visiting a grave is one thing when you knew the deceased person. It's something else when you never knew them. A lot of kids (depending on their age) will not understand why you are visiting a piece of rock. A baby will have no concept of death or what it means. I don't see how it would hurt, but I'm not sure it would help either. Would you like your boyfriend doing things behind your back against your wishes? If you do it to him, it sets a precedent and it subtlety changes your relationship. I think if I were in your shoes, I'd respect his wishes in this matter.

I would not do this behind his back. That would also mean lying to him when he decides to take your son for the "first" time. Respect his wishes. This was his sister, and obviously a very painful loss for him that you may never fully understand. And I'm sure she would want you to respect his feelings as well. I think you would be really crossing the line if you took the baby behind his back. Let him get to that point when he's ready.

To answer your main question, yes, it's dishonest to bring your baby behind your boyfriend's back. I believe that any secret can negatively impact the emotional intimacy of a relationship. So, you have a decision about whether this child "meeting his aunt" is worth the risk of jeopardizing your relationship with your boyfriend.

On a related note, death is only taboo if we project our own fears, emotions and misunderstandings onto it. We've been bringing our son to open-casket wakes and cemeteries since he was an infant. He's 3 and a half now with a matter-of-fact view on death: every living thing eventually dies. We don't talk about death like it is sad or scary... in fact, he's never seen me cry about a death because I don't cry about that. I usually find peace in death. However, I recently began talking to him about how I would miss Oma if she died, if so and so died, etc. But I talk about how that is why we are nice and take care of people we love while we are alive. (I stick to the morality angle rather than the spirituality of death. Once I figure out what I believe, perhaps I can help my son know what is what in that department :) I tell you all this to give you some ideas about how to get on the same page with your boyfriend so you will know how to approach the topic with your son. It's possible that your boyfriend doesn't want you to project any emotions on your son or he may be afraid of his own emotions coming out to your son. You absolutely have to respect your bf's grief and how he's coping. Don't push him, but don't avoid teaching your son about life and death and who was this aunt.

Kids are much more literal than adults, so be careful about using these "see" and "meet" words. Someone said it earlier about associating the aunt with a rock. Instead, bring a picture and talk about how her body was put in this ground when she died, so this is a good place to sit and talk about her.

Good luck!

Edit: I just read your update about how you want the aunt to meet your son. Some people believe that the deceased are all around us or at least able to see and hear us. Do you believe this? If so, the aunt already "met" your son. It really sounds like you want to preserve her memory by building a relationship between her and your son... do it by talking about her a lot, what she liked to do, how your son is similar to her, reminding the family about her birthdate, having pics around the house of her, etc. Your son does have a right to know his family. Do what you can to facilitate the relationship between your son and his aunt, but do it within the confines of what your boyfriend will allow.

IMOHO-I think it would be wrong to go behind your husband's back. I see that as lying. Your husband needs to heal in his own time when he's ready. If he's uncomfortable with you bringing the baby there then I wouldn't push it. When your children are older and find out about and ask to go then it's an appropriate time.
As for as her meeting her nephew-I wouldn't think angels are chained down to there headstones. If you want a moment with her, find a quiet park somewhere and introduce her to him there.

I don't think it's necessary to bring a baby/child (how old) to a cemetary, especially against your BF's wishes. As far as heaven and angels, I don't know what you beleive, but if these are your views than you know that at the cemetary are her remains, and her spirit is watching over you and with you. She has already met your son.

i absolutely love your respect for and connection to this woman who was so important to your husband. how lovely. i also don't think it's at all creepy that you ask for her help in your relationship with him. and lastly, i think it's beautiful that you want your nephew to meet her. i realize this is not a pov that most will agree with, and that's okay too. we need a world full of a varied opinions.
that being said, i agree with the majority here that sneaking the baby into the cemetery is an act of dishonesty and will negatively impact your relationship with your lover. i think a slow ongoing conversation (as opposed to one airing-out that has the result you want) may change his mind as to the appropriateness of babies in cemeteries. death is part of life and i think all children should be raised with its awareness so it's not a terrible shock later on. and when a baby is familiar with a cemetery and used to 'visiting' a beloved relative there, they will associate the place with peace and beauty, not with horror and loss.
but i would like to add to what one poster already pointed out......your SIL is not *really* there. it's a convenient, lovely and appropriate place to get into a mindset where you can commune with her, but she is not tethered to her remains. she knows you, she knows the baby, and she knows your lovely intentions, in whatever form the departed can and wish to know these things. while i think it's worth while to keep the discussion open with your BF so that you can better understand each other, i don't think that a lack of agreement on the subject means that your baby is denied a knowledge of this woman who was so important to his dad.
khairete
S.

Your best advice: "angels aren't chained to their headstones."

Don't lie and sneak.

Your update doesn't change my views, but of course, all of our views are different.

If it helps any, I can share my thoughts. My sister died five years ago. My children are older and have been to her grave site (once we even celebrated her birthday there with cake and balloons, but that was more something I needed/wanted to do, and they wanted to come), but since we've moved from the city where she's buried, we rarely go. To me, it makes no difference (grave site or not) - her memories (and her presence, if you're comfortable thinking of it that way) are with us all the time. Talking about her, looking at pictures, sharing stories - those are the things that are important to me. Are you able to talk about the childrens' aunt as a family?

One of my bf's brothers died, and he approaches that very differently. We respect each other's way of dealing with grief, and I would never go behind his back, especially about something so personal.

Is there a reason you feel it's important to do this thing your way, instead of respecting your bf's wishes? Maybe I'm just missing info, but I don't understand why it's so important to you when you never even met his sister. It's wonderful that you want to honor her memory. Can you and he discuss the issue and all the ramifications? (Maybe you're really talking about spiritual/religious beliefs and how to bring up your baby, or maybe you're really talking about how families approach death?)

If it continues to be an "issue", perhaps a few meetings with a spiritual leader or counselor could help? I know you want to be supportive of him.

My oldest brother died when I was very young, and I've lost other family members as well. The process of grieving for ea one of them was different. No matter what anyone tells you, everyone grieves in their own way, in their own time. Imho, I don't think it's appropriate for anyone who doesn't know him to believe that your bf should be "finished" grieving. If there were other complicated grief issues, I'm sure you would've mentioned it. Thanks for trying to be supportive of your bf, and I hope you get things ironed out.

If you ever want to chat about death, I find the subject fascinating rather than morbid. Best of luck.

I just think it's wrong to disregard his feeling about bringing a baby to a cemetary and to do it behind his back.

I guess everyone has a different view on what a cemetary is. For me the cemetary is for the living, its a physical memorial of the person we lost. I don't believe that the deceased actually resides at the cemetary. If you believe in angels or an afterlife I would assume that you would think they are always with us. Therefore, I believe that you can "introduce" her to her nephew anywhere you want, in your own home, at the park, etc.

If your boyfriend is open to it, you could even do some kind of little "ceremony" in your own home as a family to introduce your son to all of your deceased family members. Such a thing might actually help your boyfriend with his feelings for his sister.

Good luck,
K.

I agree with the other M.'s response that it is wrong for you to bring your son and meet his aunt. By doing this, it may have a negative impact on your relationship. You are also not respecting your boyfriend's wish. How would you feel if your boyfriend went behind your back and did something against your wish. I'm sure you would be very upset. There are other ways that you could to introduce your son to his aunt. You can show him pictures of her and tell him a little about his aunt, etc.

Maybe not really a response, but some of my favorite pictures of my children are of them in old graveyards. Something about the new among the old and gone.... I think your boyfriend's take on bringing a baby to a cemetery is ridiculous but it IS his belief and I don't think you should go behind his back. You wouldn't like it if he did it to you.
You've already received a ton of advice from the 'she's not there anymore, she knows your son already' crowd. Consider this another one.

First, I don't think it's wrong to bring a baby to a cemetary. I think it could be an educational thing, and is also an act of love and respect. Ironically, I just brought my daughter (7 months old) to "meet" her great-grandmother and great-grandfather yesterday at the cemetary. She's too young to understand, but I felt it was still appropriate. For me, I like to go and visit, talk to them, and also spend some quiet time, since I just feel closer in that atmosphere. Even though I believe that they have already 'met' her and can watch from above somehow, the physical act of going was important to me. It felt more tangible.

On the other hand, I think it would be wrong for you to bring the baby without your BF knowing. I think that you need to respect his decision, and if he were to find out, he could lose some trust in you. Since the girls have been, and he feels more comfortable bringing children at an older age, I think that you should just wait and follow his lead, knowing that eventually, your son will meet his aunt, and vice versa.

All the best to you!

I think the best way for your son to "meet" his aunt is what you are probably already doing--showing him pictures and talking about what her great qualities were, and about what an influence she had on her brother's life. That is how the baby will "get to know her". Not by visiting the cemetery. Keep talking about her to the baby so that he will grow up knowing exactly who she was and why she is important to your family. Maybe once some more time has passed (like a few years), your boyfriend will feel comfortable going back to the cemetery with you and your son. But for now I wouldn't push it, the baby would never remember it anyway. Best wishes and I think it's great that you show such respect for the person who was important to your boyfriend. Keep up that great attitude!

.

It would be wrong to take the baby. And the aunt has seen you son. Believe me.

In a word....YES! He has asked you not to. Respect his wishes. It will not matter to your son if he goes to the grave site now or later. It WILL matter to your boyfriend. Everyone grieves their own way and in their own time. Don't push it with him. Maybe twice in three years is all he can handle right now. Be there for him, support him AND respect his wishes whether you agree or not.

Give it up on this issue if you want your boyfriend to remain your boyfriend. You must respect him on this if you want a future together. It is lying and it is wrong, and you do not want to be either as a girlfriend or as an example to your child (even though your child is too young at this age to remember ) This type of manipulative reasoning is habitual. Beware.