Step Parent

why on earth are you not disipling him when the act is done. why are you waiting for the dad to get home to do the punishment? i say you missed the boat on that one. you really need to get what ever issue your having and fix it right away. your son is going to end up dreading when the father gets home because thats all that happens. son acts up nothing happens, dad comes home, punishment for a little while and he gets to do the whole patterna all over again. i really wish you would have put both of these questions together.

Sorry C. but this sounds like a totally different situation than what you described in your first post. Again I wish you luck in working things out for your family.

This is new information, that your step-son is alone with you for 16 hours out of every day. If that is the case, then you and daddy would do well to come to a meeting of minds about whether or not your step-son needs discipline, and for what behaviors, and what that discipline should be. Agreement between the two of you is important, or your step-son will eventually learn to play you against each other. And who could blame him? It's what kids do as they try to establish their own independence.

If the discipline is effective and matched well to the behaviors, and if your step-son comes to see you as more than a mere babysitter, then some reasonable improvement is probably possible. But parenting is far more than lecturing or tattling on a child, and what you've described to us is that you only report misdeeds and add your own lectures on top of your husband's.

If I were in your shoes, I would start doing a lot of research on possible parenting techniques. All of us can make improvements in how to understand and communicate with children, what behaviors are reasonable and which aren't, how to apply discipline in ways that respect the child – even many babysitters work at that, and find simple but effective ways to control the children in their care.

Being punished in front of you might be humiliating to the child. I don't know how long you've been married, but if he doesn't think of you as mom it might not be appropriate for you to always be there. Dealing with the issue of his misbehavior and correcting it is more important than marital dynamics. The issue is raising him well, not just establishing your authority.

Also, I tihnk it is wrong to remind someone why they are being punished. Again, I think it is humiliating and unhelpful. All that does, whether it is a step parent or bio parent is breed resentment. I think your job is to back dad up, and that's enough. When dad is not around you should be the authority figure. Well, you should both always be authority figures. Just make sure that all the punishment dynamics have to do with correcting his behavior and nothing more.

Good luck.

Tell dad to hire a babysitter!!!! If YOU are the one taking care of HIS kid ALL day and he can't even have the common courtsey to discuss and include you in the decision of punishment then you are nothing but a babysitter. The child will resent you and not him (for now). Every time you complain to dad he get's in trouble...you're not in there to explain to him why you are upset with him. I can just hear the conversation in my head: "mom said you were disrespectful today" punishment. Did you get involved with this relationship to raise this kid on your own?
Sorry if I sound angry my dad did the exact same thing to me and my step mom...now I'm 38 love her and have little respect for him. I was HIS kid and he pushed everything off on her. Back then I resented her but as I got older I loved and respected her for hanging in there and doing the best she could with me. Good Luck.

I am a bit confused, you already posted this question? Then changed it?

From this post I can assume the child in question is under school age since he is home with you all day. If he is 5 or under it does little to teach them anything if they wait hours and hours and hours and then get disciplined at bedtime or later....

I think I would start minimizing the issues to dad. I would concentrate on the good things that happened during the day, such as, we went to the park and played and had such a good time, then we stopped over to ????'s house and played for a couple of minutes then came home, had lunch, took a nap, and then we ate a snack and played until you came home. He was a bit cranky before nap time but he did really well today. I would make sure I said it in front of the child too.

If for some reason I don't know about and this child is older, I still think I would try really hard to say postive things and focus on that. All he knows right now is you talk and he gets into trouble. Dad is teaching him disrespect by not adressing the issues with you by his side. But this is not your child and if dad doesn't want you involved in the disiplining of his child then you shouldn't be involved. That means reporting on him too.

I think your husband needs to talk to his son and demand that he listens to you and respects you. Set up consequences for him if he does not listen. Since you care for him all day there has to be some kind of discipline. Take away video games, toys, etc.

if we were in that situation my other half would tell me to discipline the child. it does no good to discipline for it hours later and if you are never allowed to discipline he won't respect you. you and his dad need to sit down and talk about what your discipline boundries are and respect them. he has to back you and you have to back him. and make the child explain to dad why he is grounded by you in front of you.

At that time dad can add to the discipline or keep it as it is. Dad needs to explain to him why your discipline stands and what is not acceptable and why. Being a step parent is tough especially if you have never had kids of your own. I had the advantage of having my own first. so i knew what to expect. but you have to quit needling him. you are still rubbing it in. You and dad need to discuss what your boundries are. and why you think you should be able to discipline. What is ok for you to discipline and how dad wants it handled. this is what me and mine did. We are lucky we think alike. so It makes it easier on me.

Tell dad it is like the kid is deliberately disrespecting you if that is what you feel like is going on. OPEN COMMUNICATION IS A MUST. it is tough but you can work through this.

Why are you not disciplining him during the day with time outs or toys taken away, or whatever you both decide should be done? The problem is that you allow him to do whatever he wants all day. Threatening him with punishment when his father gets home, undermines your authority and should only be used as a last resort when everything else you tried has failed.

I would suggest the 3 of you go see a counselor to help you communicate and help you both agree on a specific plan of discipline.

A great book to get for you BOTH to read is Parenting the Strong Willed Child, this has helped us a lot.

http://www.amazon.com/Parenting-Strong-Willed-Child-Rex-F...

Every marriage is different. If you do not like how things are you need to talk to your husband. Tell him how you feel.

A child should not be allowed to disrespect and disobey his parents. There should be a compromise on the discipline issue. Maybe the dad can hand our the physical discipline ( assuming that is what happens when you said he takes him to a room for disipline), and you can hand out the the rest (like talking away tv, computer and video game priviledges.

Is there a reason why your husband does not want you involved in the discipline?

I hope you and your husband come to a compromise that will ensure you are getting respect from your step son.

Are you trying to get the child on your side and make it look like the Dad is the one who always does the punishment? I know it is hard with him being a stepson but you need to punish as well. You say the child is use to doing what ever he wants until Dad gets home. Why? The punishment should be done right then and there and there is nothing wrong with you talking to the boy and explaining why he has gotten in to trouble so he will understand. Tell him you love him but you don't like some of the things he is doing and you want him to grow up to be a responsible young man and not get in to trouble. Dad needs to work with you on this since he is never home. He can't expect you to do nothing all day and then when he gets home all hell breaks loose. That certainly isn't healthy for the child. Your husband needs to respect you and both of you work together in raising this child. If you don't there will be problems. Do you do things with the boy during the day when Dad is gone to work or on weekends? Maybe just the two of you could do something. Again Dad is totally wrong telling you to not get involved. Work it out, you didn't mention if the mother of the boy is involved and if you are not careful when the child is old enough he can request to live with his mother. How would Dad like that? I don't think he would want him to leave. You need a healthy enviornment for any child and punishment as long as not to harsh is part of it and teaches them responsibility and helps them grow. Good Luck to you.