My Fiance's 12 Year Old Son's Behavior Is Out of Control!

Yes he is probably going through puberty but that is no excuse to be mean. I do think he needs to go to talk to someone to help him through what has gone on and what is going on. Good Luck!!

My kids are younger, but I have worked with this age before. This is very typical behavior, and you should not take it personally. It is the terrible teens, and he just needs some feeling of control over his life. Maybe you could both set up some way for him to feel more in control? Maybe a schedule of things that need to be done each day, with a reward at the end of the week? Boys also need physical contact, and he may be missing this since he is no longer cute and cuddly. Good luck, and try to hang in there!

I believe that one a kid hits what I call the tween age (ages be twin about 9 and 10 to about 12) be for there a teenager they tend to act out more due to hormones in the body not knowing what to do and you say he is going through puberty this is probably true.So just hang in there it goes by quicker than you think.
~D.

You may not want to hear this but here goes:

You are not his mother. Yet. Until he accepts you into that role,until you and him create a relationship, you cannot be that role for him. You are his dad's soon to be wife. What relationship develops after that is yet to be determined.

He is going through many transitions right now, puberty included. I am sure there are issues within him about his mom not being in the picture, and your addition to the family compounds that. Have patience, empathy and compassion for his transitions and what he might be experiencing.

He is too old to be dragged into the shower. He is old enough to be respected in his personal choice not to shower once in awhile. Welcome to being near a teenage boy. It doesn't last long, because shortly he will be interested in attracting girls:)

If you need (true)respect from him, you need to earn it from him, and he needs to earn it from you also. It will take some trial and error to create that mutually. Don't view his hiding your dish as if he has adult logic. He is not an adult. You are the adult, you should not be viewing his smirks as "threats".

If you are not happy with the kid's behavior, and that has affected your happiness with your fiance, you may not be ready for this challenge in your life. Don't expect to send him to a therapist and have him "fixed". If you are serious about assuming the role of parent in this family and making things work, you will not only send him to a therapist, but you will also attend family therapy sessions with him.

Last, I highly suggest beginning to read guidance books, such as "Parenting with Love and Logic" and "Parent Effectiveness Training."

I wish you the best, good luck!

Lots of great advice here.
Now here is my advice:

Focus on your relationship with your fiance, for now.
And let your fiance handle his son, for now.

One of the toughest lessons I have learned (I just celebrated my 2 yr. wedding anniversary with my husband - I have two teenage step kids and three of my own) is that your relationship has to come first. And, while it is a huge responsibility to raise children, it is your fiance's child, and his responsibilty first. You and he need to talk and talk and talk some more about what your role is in this boys life. You and he need to be in complete agreement about how to approach different situations before hand.

And whenever you get into a power struggle with a child of any age, you lose. You lose face, you lose trust, you lose respect, etc. You cannot sink to his level and FORCE him to do anything. It will backfire. All the advice about letting a child suffer the natural consequences of his actions is spot on.
This boy, without a doubt, is going to test you over and over again. And you can choose to take it personally, or you can take a step back.
I would encourage you to seek counseling for yourself, rather than for your fiance's son. Not because there is anything 'wrong' that needs to be fixed, but because you are going to need strong support in this situation. You will feel and express frustrations, yes, but your fiance will feel divided between you and his son, at times. So he is not the one to voice your frustrations to.
I can't stress enough, this situation is so hard. It will seem unfair, so unfair at times.
But if you really love this man, if you can't bear the thought of not marrying him, you must be brave. You must be strong. You hang in there for love - if it is true love.

People all say to care about the child, think about the child's point of view, understand the child - and you SHOULD. But how much you sacrifice in the name of doing right by this boy is up to you.
Your very first responsibility is to C..
You must find a way to have faith and give up control.
Take care of yourself. Practice meditation, yoga, excercise. Treat yourself to baths and pedicures. Don't allow these conflicts to take over your sanity. These lessons all come in time.
And wherever you end up ten years from now, you will be a much wiser woman.
Good luck. I am sending you good vibes.

When I was about 13 my parents seperated and mom started having a new "friend" around some. I was a model child--straight A, never in trouble, a very easy child (and teenager) according to my mother. However, I was a monster to this guy for quite a while--I would slam doors in his face, refuse to talk to him and I'm sure lots of other things that I can't remember. I am now 28 and he and my mom are still together and he walked me down the aisle when I got married. In part we have a loving realtionship because he just put up with my bad behavior and NEVER, EVER tried to parent me (or my younger sister). For whatever reason he understood that what was happening in my life (my parents seperation, his presence) was completely out of my control, it made me sad, frusterated, and many other emotions. I am so grateful to him that he was so understanding and kind to me during this difficult time--and that pretty much meant leaving me alone. My mom's partner didn't move in until after I went away to college, I can't imagine how horrible everything would have been if he actually lived with us. Remember, this child has absolutely no control over what is happening to him--he probably doesn't really like the fact that you're around. He certainly didn't pick you. And frankly, I think that's pretty understandable, no matter how fanastistic of a person you are. I also think that some of the behavior you've described (like dragging the kid to the shower) sounds pretty childish--you and your partner need to pick your battles and remember these kinds of transitions are often very difficult.

I think it is remarkable that you accuse a 12 year old child of being childish. The reason they call it childish is because it's an appropriate way for a child to act. I can understand your confusion having never been around children, but the truth is that the behavior you describe is not all that out of control. It sounds to me like your son isn't getting something he needs, and is reacting as a result of that deficit. Consider his position - not having a relationship with his own mother, which has to be incredibly hard, and then having to come to accept you as a substitute. No matter how well intentioned you are, it is going to take a lot of time and careful communication for him to accept you as "mom", particularly if he has been living without one for all these years. I highly recommend the book "How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Can Talk". It has a lot of wonderful tools for dealing with difficult communication situations without having to result to the combat of taking things away or making threats, which are techniques that rarely work for any child. If you and your fiance can deal with your son with respect and mutual communication, I am sure you will get much better results, even if they are still childish at times.

good luck

Others who responded here talked about behavioral changes that come with puberty, and also touched on the dynamics of step-parenting. They all made valid points, but that doesn't really help you deal with the situation you find yourself in.

I agree with the person who recommended the Love and Logic books. They present a wonderful technique used by many teachers and parents to deal with behavior issues. It's based on the idea that actions and behaviors have natural consequences. Rather than getting physical or arguing, you, as the adult, simply implement the consequence.

For example, if you are responsible for taking him to school, and he is never ready on time, you come up with a "real world" natural consequence. Possibilities are: 1. When its time to leave, you take him to school in his current state of readiness (no books, hair uncombed, no breakfast, etc.), 2. You leave without him, and he has to get himself to school, 3. He pays the cost of a taxi ride to school, 4. He pays you for your time wasted. You get the idea. No yelling, no anger. Lots of real empathy for the situation they have made for themselves.

I encourage you to read one of the books. Sometimes, local schools offer Love and Logic parenting classes for minimal cost. It's something you and your fiance really should do together, so you're on the same page with how to deal with behavior issues. Good luck.

"Since the mother of the child is not in the picture I have taken on this role of playing "Mom"."

You haven't described any of the wonderful and positive attributes of being a mother. Are you striving for any of them? Do you love this boy? Does he know how you really feel about him?

Remember that he is a real person, not a creature to be bent to your expectations and desires. Also remember: He was there first.

If you are getting angry and acting out at someone, what do you think that you are going to accomplish? You will only foster negative feelings and reap negative reactions. Reproach with love.

I do think that counseling is a good idea. Individually for him and together as a family. He needs to be heard, respected, validated, and above all, LOVED.

You can only become a "family" if you want to genuinely be a family. Drop the quotes. Make it real.

I am going to be very frank and respond like Dr. Laura would... If you can't stand Dr. Laura, STOP READING RIGHT NOW, or God forbid you might get offended!!! It's just one more opinion and you can take it or leave it.

Everyone else is responding to the parenting angle, and I want to address the relationship angle. I can't tell from your post if you are living with this boy's father, but if you are, Dr Laura would tell you to leave this man and his son alone until the son is 18. Dad needs to raise his son through puberty and get him out of the house before he moves a new woman in. If you are living with this man and having sex with him while the boy is around, that needs to stop, because the boy going through puberty doesn't need to hear his dad having sex with his girlfriend in the next room. Even if you're quiet, pre-teen/teen boys KNOW. You are not this boy's mother until you marry this man. If you marry the man, then you become the boy's mother. It's not fair to the boy to "try it out." If your man won't propose, leave. Don't waste your youth trying to be a mom to a boy who doesn't want you, or with a man who won't commit to you. He doesn't need therapy.

Just so you know C. this is absolutely positively NORMAL pre-adolescent behavior. Everything you describe is gone through at this age and shouldn't be an indication of future behavior. He'll be a teenager soon and most likely some of these behaviors will intensify.

What to do? Well there's no book on how to do this because each human being is different even though we all share the same type of behaviors. Good even handed and FAIR discipline applied with 100% consistency should help a bit but don't expect huge changes in his behavior.

My son, who is now 28, went through most if not all of these behaviors and today he is a wonderful young man with a lovely wife and child living a good life. When I look back on raising him I feel totally blessed because all in all he was an easy child when compared to what I've seen other parents go through. However at this age blaming everything on the child will only cause more issues either now or later. Issues that could result in low self-esteem and lead a person to be someone they may not really be. Parenting plays a very large part in a persons behavior from birth to adulthood and although this will most likely be a very unpopular comment but some of these behaviors, although fairly normal for a boy his age, might be the result of inconsistent discipline as he grew up. Our son knew by age 12 that there were simply some things that were absolutely NOT tolerated and so we didn't have much trouble with him acting out or disrespecting us.

About the teachers at school you should be aware and remember that although they may claim to have your stepsons best interests at heart a large part of why they show concern is because he is probably disrupting the class and being a problem to them. Things have changed a LOT since I was in school (I'm 54) and from my experience during the time my son was in school a molehill is very quickly made into a mountain anytime any child is different or refuses to 'program'. We are all different individuals with different ways of seeing things, acting and with different needs. In order to maintain order in the classroom teachers would much prefer their students to conform and to behave perfectly.

As far as needing a therapist I would say ONLY if he begins to get physical with others or threatens to harm others or do harm to himself. Otherwise it just doesn't make any sense to send a perfectly 'normal' pre-teen to a therapist.

Good luck!

C. - Think long and hard about what you want for your life. You are very young. At the very least, you have 8-10 years of a lot of work, frustration and heartache ahead if this kid has it in for you. Believe me, I've been there. It can be completely miserable. Your life will be largely about parenting and trying to make a life around this kid. If you sincerely love this man AND his child (must be both) and are willing to sacrifice (and I do mean sacrifice!!) much of your own life and your own wants for these people, then by all means get married. Just walk in with your eyes open that this is what you will be doing. Another failed marriage/divorce wont be helpful to anyone and especially not the boy. I wish someone had told me this many years ago. Seriously, think about the sacrifice you will be required to make and be sure this is what you want for your life. I expected that after we got married we'd be the loving Brady Bunch. Believe me, with a step parent arrangement where there is already hostility that rarely happens! I sacrificed much, tried very hard to be kind and generous, and was thanked with hostility and hate.

I wish you much happiness and good, thoughtful decision making!!!

Puberty is not an excuse! I had my two sons and a daughter. For a time each of my sons tried to push the limits and one who for a time was out of control. Finally I set boundaries and stuck to them. If he isn't ready to go to school when you are - MAKE HIM WALK. Even if it is 11:00 in the morning. Even if it is a long distance. Have him ride his bike. Even if he has to walk and you walk behind him to make sure he gets to school - or drive behind him to school with him NOT in the car. This will happen about once or twice then he will know that you mean it.

My son got drunk one school night (first time I believe) and I didn't say anything to him about his drinking but told him that if he wasn't in school the next day I would come and sit with him and go to classes with him to make sure he was in school. He was in school and the drinking that was budding stopped. No more trouble at all. I am sure he was in pain the whole day but that was HIS choice not mine.

If he doesn't shower the night before have him go to school stinky. He is the one who has to face his friends - NOT YOU. Give him a time frame to pick his toys up. He doesn't pick up his toys - throw them away or give them away. When you start picking up the toys he will get the hint and if he doesn't he doesn't want the toy at all. DO NOT BUY HIM ANY MORE TOYS! MAKE HIM BUY HIS TOYS!

My kids were responsible for going to bed at a decent time and getting up in the morning from Jr. High - middle school - on because I had to work. If they weren't in school that day I did not write a note for them. They went to bed at a decent time because they knew if they stayed up they wouldn't get up but I told them even if they had to go to school late they were going to school. Again, even if I had to be in school with them. I threatened that once and that is all it took. Peer pressure is strong at this point and they don't want to be different and be late for school, walk to school, etc.

There is a book called "Boundaries". An excellent book. I know this sounds harsh but it worked for my kids and people tell me all the time how nice my kids are, how responsible my kids are, and that they don't act like the kids today but responsible for THEIR actions. I am very proud of my kids and how they turned out. They pay their bills on time, are nice to people and say please and thank you and are gentlemen and lady. Have jobs, don't drink or do drugs. A rare thing these days to be sure.

You are the parent not the child so by whose authority to you parent? Not your child's! Tell him once then ACTION! And believe me you AND YOUR CHILD will be much happier.

N.
wife, mom, grandma, wellness coach

Read the book "Parenting Teens with Love and Logic"

First, know that the behavior you describe is very common for the age. (Not acceptable, but common)

Second, but equally as important: YOU and YOUR FIANCE CANNOT ENGAGE IN ANY PHYSICAL SCUFFLE OF ANY SORT. (For example, dragging him to the shower. ) Please stop now. I know it is easy to get so frustrated with this age group and all you feel you have left is physical response. BUT DON'T DO IT. Better to walk away.

As a teacher for years and a mother of three many bits of advice come to mind. The best advice I can give you is to invest in a series of books called "Love and Logic" IT IS WONDERFUL!!!! There are also many "Love and Logic" workshops offered. Find one in your area and GO. You will be amazed at all you will learn about handling your current situation and those to come.

And go find that family therapist. You are a family in transition with a child going through puberty. The only way to really be a "happy" family is to work at it-- CONSTANTLY!

Good luck & welcome to motherhood. Believe it or not it really is worth the hassles :o.

Stop reacting outwardly to what he does. He is getting attention for his actions so he continues them. Don't let the smirks and attitude get to you. It is his choice to act that way. You can choose to not react. I hated it when I was a teen and my mom would react to me with a passive, calm, almost bored face. I hated it because she wouldn't give me anything to fight against. If he doesn't pick up his things in the time frame he is told don't keep reminding him or telling him what to do. Tell him once, "Billy you have 10 min to pick up your toys". If ten minutes are up, pick them up and throw them away, next time he'll respond quicker. Set rules and expectations as well and the consequences. Tell him he will get told once do follow a rule or meet an expectation and then FOLLOW THROUGH with the consequence. Don't give him more than one chance. If he doesn't shower, take away the other things that are making him too busy to shower, video games, tv, computer, toys, etc. Pretty soon he'll learn that he has responsibilities to take care of before he can have fun. The most important thing though is don't ever give him the satisfaction of seeing you react negatively, that is what he wants. Remain calm.

2nd marriage failure rates are about 80%. The reason is, that the children out of the first marriage often cause the 2nd to fail because of the hostility they feel towards the new parent. The other thing is, DON'T discipline the 12 year old. Let him face his own natural consequences by not bailing him out, or not helping him in some way. If he's too late for school, he gets to WALK! Refuse to ENABLE. However, let daddy take care of the discipline, or you will have MORE hatred towards yourself. The boy doesn't see you as his mom, only as an outsider, who is causing the potential reuniting of his parents to become an impossibility. This alone will cause a lot of hostility in him. You can discuss in private how Daddy is going to handle the discipline, but your son can't know that it was you that had the discipline ideas. Daddy can take his toys that he didn't pick up, put them in a trash bag and put them away for a long time or give them to Goodwill - notice, I said Daddy - NOT you. You will only cause yourself more hostility.

I know also from a friend of mine, who raised two boys in a 2nd marriage. She had a LOT of heartbreak because no matter what she sacrificed, they hated her for a long time. Due to her longsuffering, patience and perseverance she is still married. There were also HUGE battles with the ex-wife. A weaker person would not have been able to take it. What you are taking on is NOT for the faint of heart. You have to realize - you are not only marrying your fiance, you are marrying his child as well. In the Orthodox Church part of the wedding ceremony is walking around the communion table 3x and drinking out of the same cup, denoting that you are joining your life to his, and therefore, you will be having the same trials and situations your fiance has.

You have to decide for yourself - can I deal with this if it NEVER gets better, and still love and respect my husband? Am I emotionally strong enough to handle it, if my husband doesn't do things the way I think he should? Am I emotionally strong enough to handle what this kid is doing, even if it never changes? If the answer is no to any of those questions,DON'T enter marriage, even if the answer is maybe, don't enter the marriage, because another divorce would hurt the boy even worse and cause even more hostility than he has now.

My son is from my previous marriage. I used to get mad at my husband because he wouldn't discipline him. However, looking back my husband did a wise thing, because there was never any hostility between my son and him. My son respects him and loves him, and even started calling him daddy a couple years after we were married.

Your not mentioning how long you have been in this relationship. First of all, no disrespect to you, but you are very young to be a mother of a 12 year old. It is really hard to be a mother of your own kid let alone trying to be a mother to someone else's kid. Please keep in mind that your soon to be step son is probably going through puberty as well as suffering the loss of his mother if she is out of the picture. in his mind you could walk away at any moment too. He probably doesn't trust the love you are trying to give himf. You need to be more patient (I know that's easy to say, hard to do) and just try to help him know you will be there for him. As far as the power struggles, I would let them go. Is it the end of the world if he doesn't take a shower before bed? Probably not! Give him some sense that he has some control of his life and he may calm down a bit. I would say to you that you need to have a long engagement and really make sure this is a good fit for you. there's no need to rush into a marriage and then find out you can't handle having a teenager. Just love him and hopefully things will work out in time. Good luck!

You didn't say how long you have been engaged and in the position of step mom. It takes time to have a relationship with a new adult in your life. He doesn't have control who his father has a relationship with and it will takes time to trust and respect an adult in that role. 12 years old is not an easy time to slip into that role and I would suggest reading up on parenting the early teen years.
I don't think the answer is to see a therapist as his behavior doesn't seem unusual for his age. A big thing to remember when parenting is: "pick your battles". You can't battle or control everything and maybe forcing a shower is one of those things as it's probually not going to last long.

Sorry to say this is pretty average behavior..a 12 year old becomes like a 2 year old just "bigger".

I think his "dish" idea is pretty creative....what if he smashed them?

This behavior will probably be worse with time as he continues with puberty an soon will be in middle school where kids are, drinking, having sex and doing drugs. Todays environment is TERRIBLE for children.They have to cope with people we at work or home would never have to put up with!They often have no where to turn to ..if they rat out fellow students..to counclers they can become shunned or beat up.There is no coping skills in their own brains as they're torn between Sponge Bob and Playboy and don't know where they fit in.
You are a young women, you were 14 when he was born. I don't mean that negetive...I did the same thing at your age.
I'm sure your a great person willing to try, willing to seek help..but still..he doesn't know how YOU fit in., and don't be "Mom' ..look at what ""mom is to him.

Dad needs to be the heavy it's his kid. You are competition for Dad's love, money and time. Plus that whole sex thing!!
You need to develope more of a detached love for the child...let him come to you..don't try and tell him what to do..you are after all on HIS turf. Let you own relationship grow it's been one one one..so don't turn this into 2 against one.Time is on your side ..your considering a LIFETIME goal here..that doesn't happen with a ring and a sheet of paper and a party where YOU are the center of attention.I wish you all the best..I really do...so just remember "..there will be days like this... just not how MANY!"

C., you should look into Love and Logic. It's a parenting class that I think would really help you.
It's all about picking your battles, choosing logical consequences, and letting kids learn from their mistakes.
Here is the website:
http://www.loveandlogic.com/

Good luck!

Hello C. P, I am the same age as you and from MY experience, my father left home at the age of 12, and there was all kinds of emotions between the siblings and parents. And eventually there was a stepfather that came and moved in, as well as my father that left us for another woman. It took almost a year to get a hang of that living, different people in our lives that weren't our real parents. But if you take the time and get to know each other eg. Family outings, you know to get to know each other better, and get them used to the idea of a new life style. Also the kid needs to have someone he can trust to talk to like his father, and find out what the issue is with him not listening, be very open and let him know that no matter what he will always be loved, and YOU can be open as well towards him, together with his father, and don't stop trying to let him know that you are there for his father and him as well, and that things will get better in time. DON'T GIVE UP, things will get into place.

Welcome to the teenage years.. If he has ever gotten away with this the fight has just began.

There are soooooo many things here that could be a contributing factor to his behavior and so many things to consider while trying to fix it....I think part of this may be the physical change he's going through, it could also be that he's got something else going on outside the home that you don't know about...problems in school? girls? you didin't mention how long you have been in the picture but perhaps some of this is an adjustment to the idea that you are now part of the family? could he be acting out to test you? does he view you as a threat? I also wonder if this doesn't stem from dad being complacent in the past about expecting a certain behavior from his son and not disciplining when needed... for example:
What were the consequences for him hiding the plate from you? He absolutely should never have felt empowered to "punish" you by taking something away from you because you took something from him. If it had been in my house, every possession he had would have immediately been boxed up and shipped out of his room until all he had left was a bed. I'm sure you would have found your plate :-)

What were the consequences for him when he had to be carried to the shower?
Other than just taking his toys away from him, there has to be a serious consequence to his disrespect.

It's my opinion that this is your fiance's job right now. It is not fair or realistic to have you just step in to the mom role. You cannot just fix 12 years of bad habits. Dad needs to get control first and counseling may be the first step. It's been my experience (cuz I'm a step mom of two) that trying to be the disciplinarian only creates friction between you and your future son. It's better to let his dad be the heavy. that doesn't mean you don't have some pull here, it just means that instead of you making the rules or disciplining, his dad does. His dad makes the rules and comes up with the discipline...you just back up dad. So say he breaks a rule that's already established, dad will already have a discipline in place and he'll tell his son that "because you did XY&Z you've now lost this privilege" He's laying down the law not you and if the son still disobeys, when dad gets home dad deals with it. If you try to do this yourself you will have a war on your hands, ESPECIALLY if his dad doesn't have the heart to back you up with a discipline or consequences. It will also lead to arguments between the two of you.
Counseling is definitely a good idea... best way to get a handle on this is to find out what the child is feeling about this situation. keep in mind, it doesn't matter what the situation is, it doesn't give a child the right to misbehave. It might explain why they are misbehaving or feeling the way they are but it's never OK to be disrespectful....
I know, I made many mistakes with my now 24 year old stepson and 18 yr old stepdaughter. We are friends now but it was battle from the beginning with me trying to parent when I should have let their dad do it.
good luck

It sounds like your heart is in the right place, but you really should not be trying to take on the role of "mom" at this point. Especially when it comes to discipline. It is going to make him resent you and make the upcoming teenage years more difficult. You need to spend some time with him and develop some friendship and earn his trust & respect. With time, the "mom" role will develop more naturally, but you can't push it. Do things you might not normally do, like play Xbox or Playstation with him. Make sure he feels involved in you & your fiance's life. At that age he probably feels like you are taking his dad away from him...and with going thru puberty it's going to be tough for him. You are going to have to let some things go. Really, if he skips a shower one night it's not going to harm anyone. As far as him not getting ready for school in time in the morning - that is his choice. He will have consequences if he is tardy too many times. That may be a lesson he has to learn on his own.

More than anything, make sure you stay calm and patient with him and have his father do any necessary disciplining. It's also a good idea to let him also have a day with just his dad now and then...where he gets to pick what they do together. That way it is reinforced in his mind that his dad still loves him and wants to spend time with just him.

Hi C.,

I have no quick-fix "you should try this" sugestion, and would think that it would be extremely unfair of me to make any judgments about anyone involved. Your family is in the midst of an enormous transition, as are each of you.

You are thrust into the incredibly unenviable job of parenting an adolescent (boy or girl, it's an age that makes some parents want to run screaming out into the street)-- an adolescent that is obviously hurting, and angry and I'm guessing has a huge load of issues with his mother (her absence must be heartbreaking for him) and, consequently, anyone who takes on a mother role in his life. Your fiance is making large changes in his (and his son's) life and while everyone may want the best and have the best intentions, your family would benefit from some counseling.

I suggest counselling not because there is anything inherently wrong with any of you, but because the situation you described seems very out of control for everyone involved. Your stepson sounds terrified, to be honest, although he likely won't ever say so.

You said that you are "possibly seeking a therapist for him", but the whole family needs help, not just your to-be stepson. There is always a danger of blaming only one person for a situation such as this, but everyone involved has to figure out how to help each other and examine their role in how these family dynamics play out. The very physical adult response to your stepson's acting out suggests that there are a lot of adult emotions that also need to be addressed.

Everyone has the right to have their emotions; the goal is to be able to communicate our needs and feelings with respect for the other person. Counseling helps with this. Counseling is hard, and it is a promise that we make to ourselves and the other people involved that we are all going to challenge ourselves to stick together and work through problems, readjust our expectations and accept hard truths in the hope that things will improve.

Let your stepson know that you are *ALL* going to do some work, alone and together, so that all of you can get along.

That is a big adjustment for everyone, so hang in there!
I would definatly sit down with your fiance first and together come up with rules and consequeneces and then have a family meeting and lay the law down.....
So that way you are all on the same page and you and your son is very well aware of his actions and consequences. You need to strongly enforce these rules from day one, so he knows your not playing around.
Maybe try talking to him, and seeing if anything is bothering him, and let him know you or his dad is always there to talk if he needs you guys!

I have heard that the puberty stage is a lot like the toddler stage, because kids are learning independence. You are at a disadvantage because you have not raised a toddler, so you don't know all the tricks that parents learn when their kids are young and then apply again then they go through puberty.

NOTE: I did not say treat him like a toddler! They are not the SAME stage, but there are some similarities.

Get a basic parenting book like "Love and Logic" and read it with your fiance!!!!!!! It will help you so much!!! You will have a plan, you will be on the same page. You will be able to avoid these childish conflicts and be the firm, wise authority figure that you want to be.

I have not said "parent" because you aren't his mother and he may never think of you that way. You can't MAKE yourself be his mother or even a positive role model in his life. HE has to decide that he respects you in that way. All you can do is treat him kindly, seek to help him. You might have more success with him if you treat him more like an equal. Not totally, but more. He might surprise you and act more mature.

Allow the father to do the parenting, even if he doesn't want to, and you do.

Don't think of this as an insult, that you aren't his mother. Think of it as lightening your load. Change your perspective from "I'm his mother" to: this boy and I have something in common: we both have a relationship with a certain man. We both need to cooperate to have successful relationships with this man.

My kids are younger than your son, 9 and 5. They have a "get ready for school chart." I do not remind them or pester them to do it. If I see that they are playing instead of doing their chart, then I tell them, "if you will not do what YOU need to do to get ready, I don't see why I should be investing MY time helping you! You are on your own." This means they now need to get their own breakfast and comb their own hair, and figure out when they actually need to leave for the bus. If they miss the bus, they walk to school.

If they drag around and are slow pokey, I will say to them ONCE -- it is your responsibility to get ready on time. If you aren't ready, you will walk.

I do not remind and pester them -- that only makes getting ready MY responsibility. As a result, they have learned!

I don't know how this approach will translate to your situation. The general idea is not to try to control or MAKE them do what you want, but to set up a situation where THEY suffer the consequences of their own actions. You cannot control him, but you can at least TRY to control YOURSELF -- don't lose your temper or your self-control. Remain calm and pleasant, no matter what. This will keep the conflict from getting WORSE.

Love and Logic will teach you things like saying, "When you've taken your shower, then I would be happy to take you to the Mall." Then you just wait. This gives him control of HIS behavior and you control of YOUR behavior.

Take care and good luck.

As Martha said in her post the Love and Logic approach is a great method, especially for teens/tweens. My son is 14 now, but when he was 12...well, there were some days I didn't think he'd make it another year (don't worry, I would never hurt my kids, but boy was he testing that theory).

We used a discipline plan which I have since discovered is similar to Love and Logic. When my son broke my cell phone, he paid for it (this was when he was 12.) He gets an allowance each week and when I would hand him his money, he would go mark the payoff sheet how much he was handing over (the whole allowance) and then I would initial that I had received that payment.

Once I told a friend how I parent, she suggested I check out the L&L books. I did and I now recommend them to other people as well. HOWEVER; here's what I usually hear once the people start using the discipline, "Oh, we tried it, but it made him/her so mad and he/she wouldn't do it. It doesn't work." BE FOREWARNED: Kids hate punishment, when you start a new discipline system you have to be consistent. Follow through even though they may be having a huge temper tantrum. They are usually having the huge temper tantrum to let you know how much they hate it. That's good, you really don't want them happy with their punishment (that's my thought, anyway.) In my experience (mom to five boys), the attitude gets worse before it gets better. Hang in there, once they realize that mom and dad are not blowing hot air, they will start to come around and it's very impressive how much they learn.

Now, all that being said when you first start make sure you pick consequences that you really will follow through on, because you will be following through. At one point, my son was being very rude while I was driving one day. I told him if he didn't knock it off he was going to have to walk home. Well, he didn't knock off his attitude, so I had to follow through. He had about a 1 1/2 to 2 mile walk home. That was okay since the area was fine for him to walk in, but had I done it in an area that I wouldn't want him walking in, I would have been in trouble because I would not have let him out and then my word would have been mud.

Hang in there, it will pass.

I'm going to give some not so popular advice but it's perfectly legal. If after a while reasoning, loss of privelege, and counseling don't work. Then maybe his father just needs to give him an old fashioned spanking. I'm not saying it's always a good idea but in this case it just might be needed.One bit of advice. His father should be the one to do it and one should never give a spanking while angry. I know alot of people don't agree with this method, but back in our parents and granparents days they did this and kids didn't have the behavior problems they do today. Just my 2 cents.

Hi C.,

Please don't seek a therapist for your future stepson, there is nothing wrong with him. He is acting like a normal 12 year old teenager who doesn't have a mom around, Dad may have been busy with his young fiance, and he's upset and has hormone overload :-). Note that I don't think his behavior is appropriate (it is not), but to me it sounds normal. He's not going around killing small animals or doing anything worrisome. I can totally see that my daughter would do the same thing under these circumstances just to protest, and she's a great kid.

Having said that - if you are looking for professional help, which is a good idea, I think you should seek a family therapist, and both you and your fiance and stepson should participate. In my view, the way your stepson acts is a reflection of how you and especially your fiance parent. So, fix yourselves and your approach, and he will follow.

Best wishes,
S.

This is definitely without question pubescent behavior! So on one hand it's good cause he's being normal, but on the other hand it stinks cause you just have to wait it out. :) My husband has been a 6th grade teacher for almost 10 years and we now have a 13 yo of our own so I can tell you for sure that the indifferent and "world revolves around me" attitude is totally normal- annoying and unacceptable, but normal. I'm really not enjoying this stage, but something that has been helpful for us is Love and Logic. They just give you really good tools to help your child through different stages/issues in a way that won't make you insane or feel angry all the time. They have books and classes all over the place and you can also get on their email list. They send one email a week that is short and ALWAYS helpful. It's not one that I ever delete before reading! The one they sent yesterday was especially helpful to my husband and I about "Looking calm when you're not". When you have a big boy throwing a little boy fit, it's not easy to keep your cool. I think you may find Love and Logic helpful! I wish I could forward you the email from yesterday. If you want to PM me back, I can forward it to you. Just know that his behavior is normal and now you and your fiance have to figure out the best way to guide him through this. Good luck!

Dear C.,
If your fiance's son is acting like a child, that's because he is a child. He's a child going through puberty, with no mother, trying to act like an adult, but not really wanting to be one yet. Give him time. You need to start communicating with both the fiance and the son. Work together as a team. Set realistic goals you can all live with. Have a weekly "family" pow-wow, where you each get to talk about the week and what kind of changes you would like to see in the future. Don't forget, he's still a child, even though his body is going through this transformation and his hormones are in an upheaval. Also, try to remember that you're not his mother. I'm sure he must miss his mother a great deal and he's going to look to you to fill that role in his life. It's a very important role, so you should feel honored. A good family therapist may be what is needed to help smooth out the rough spots. There really isn't a right or wrong side here. You're all just trying to be happy in this situation. It will take some adjustment on everyones part. He also may feel like you're taking all of his dad's time since the mom isn't there to spend any with him. Try to make sure he feels included. Ask his opinion. Just talk to him about normal everyday stuff, until the day comes when you realize that he's got some pretty great ideas about things that interest him as well. It will be an eye-opener for everyone. Good luck!

Hello, the problem is that this boy is already upset that his mother is not in the picture. You being there is only making his situation worse. Since your not his mother this is not something that you can handle or should be handling. This is a problem for his father to take care of. You are not and will never be this boys mother and you should not act or expect to be treated as such. I hope this helps you understand.