After 8 years my husband and I are splitting because of his children.They are 13 year old girls and a 16 year old son.I have a 20 year old that lives with us as well. It was very sudden, they began therapy about a month ago and one day he came home and said we have to split or he cannot see his children. The reasons are many, one daughter has been diagnosed with anorexia,is cutting herself and threating suicide. His son is acting out with his mother and bullying her. He and I have fought because of all the responsibility to care for them while he works and I get no support and my opinion is of no value with the expectation of taking them everywhere and doing everything a mom does.His ex-wife has issues she is with the same therapist as the kids and has never been supportive of our realationship. He has issues he needs to address. I have issues I need to address. We have had them every other WEEK forever. The kids are aware why we are splitting up and I have not been allowed to see them or communicate with them, they were at their moms when the decision was made and the therapist said that seeing me would cause too much guilt. I am crushed, my husband is crushed, my daughter is crushed (and angry, and sad she loves as her biological siblings) He has this idea we can "date", I am not sure how I feel about that. I am not sure how I feel about anything, I am sure all I want to do is cry. :(
Never in my life have I heard of a therapist recommend divorce to solve any issues like this. More than that if such advice was given I can't imagine anyone taking it.
Why exactly has no one questioned the qualifications of this therapist?
No respectable therapist would suggest divorce for the sake of the teenage children.
Either the therapist sucks and should lose their licence, or you're manipulated/lied to by someone.
The simplest answer would be that your husband wants a divorce and is using his kids as an excuse. The divorce-and-date thing stinks of poo.
So you and their dad only get them every other weekend, but you are expected to care for them while he works? When does he get to actually spend time with them?
Obviously, this is a huge source of stress, and maybe some time separated from each other will help. But I guess the question is, what is he hoping to achieve? Does he just want to be able to focus on his kids and then eventually get back together? Or does he want a divorce?
Would getting a second opinion from a different therapist help? I know the kids have issues, and they need their dad right now, but I also believe that since you are guys are already married, and live near by and have been a part of their lives all this time, they need to learn to deal with that and accept it. If their mother is not supportive of your marriage to their father, they are getting conflicting messages.
On the other hand, maybe consider that a trial separation might be good to give everyone the space they need to work things out. You are an adult, your 20 year old daughter is an adult, the 13 year olds and the 16 year old are not quite there yet. If you have a second therapist to talk to you, I would run all this by them and see what they think. I don't think there are any right-or-wrong answers here - sometimes all you can do is try something for a while and see how things go.
Good luck to you, I am sorry you are dealing with such a tough situation.
I suggest that you see the therapist with your husband to find out what the thinking is. If you understood more you would feel better about it.
I also suggest getting a therapist for yourself. You are dealing with many really serious issues here. Yes, there is concern about the children feeling guilty. I would be concerned that I'd also feel guilty and I'd be hurt and angry.
As to judging the therapist. I suggest that she didn't make this recommendation. She helped the husband decide how he wanted to manage his situation. Life isn't black and white. Neither is therapy.
Most therapists do not make recommendations concerning relationships. They help the people in the relationship make their own decisions. They recommend treatment, yes, but do not tell us what to do.
I suggest that your husband should've included you in the process of making this decision and that it would be reasonable for you to ask to discuss this with him. If he doesn't want to include his therapist then find a therapist for yourself with whom you can discuss this.
I suggest that your husband made the decision and is blaming the therapist. Sounds like he doesn't face life directly. i.e. he's passive, letting you deal with the kids without his help and when the crisis hits runs away.
If he's just asking for a separation until he helps to get his kids stabilized then it would make sense to continue to see each other while you also get involved in the family therapy. If he's asking for a divorce then, no, I would not date. If he's not including you in the therapy, I would not date him.
This is such a sad state of affairs. I have to say that with your husband separating from you (other than for you abusing his kids, which I am going to assume has not happened), I would NOT date him. It's just going to hurt you a LOT more to keep seeing him after he tossed you aside like this.
You need to protect your heart here.
Your husband has been a really poor and ineffective father, has just made you the "help" with these kids, and with a mother who is just as ineffectual, it seems like all the adults in their lives are letting them down, even if you have not been party to the decision.
Please do not "date" him. You do not need "less than a man" in your life. He acts like leaving you will help his kids. It won't. He should have helped them long ago and didn't - he dumped them in your lap instead while he had your hands tied in dealing with any problems. Now he probably wants to have his cake and eat it with you on "dates" after tearing your heart to pieces.
Don't have any of it, mom. Make him FEEL himself what he is making you feel. If you don't, he will never care one wit that he has damaged the woman who actually took care of his children and took care of him for these 8 years.
What a screw up this man is...
I am not sure who said what to whom. Did his ex decide that he can't see his kids unless he split up with you? If so, then the real issue is his ex and either he fights for his children (and gets schooled on his custody order and the law) or he's going to be looking at a divorce attorney. If it were me? I'd say I'd had enough of this dog and pony show and her pulling the rug out of my life (and he going along with it) and I'd make my way to a lawyer's office to make sure that I didn't get screwed out of what I put into the last however many years of the relationship. I would put my own daughter in therapy and I might get some myself. It would be hard not to be very very angry.
He's given you what he thinks. Now it's time to woman up and tell him what YOU think and how YOU want YOUR life to go.
I agree with much of DVMMOM's answer. ETA: Please get a second opinion from another therapist.
If it were me I'd tell him "if this is what you believe is best for your children, then that's what we need to do. All I have ever wanted is what is best for these kids and our family as a whole. But I can't pretend that things are OK by 'dating' you. I'm part of this package and until you figure things out I'd rather not confuse the issues."
I'd say all of this with loving kindness, but firmness.
It is very tough to be a step-parent and it's also tough to be the bio parent (that's me). I'm not sure people should do it very often. Of course there are exceptions where it works out great.
Good luck - hope you can find a path to healing and happiness. And most of all I hope all the kids can find healthiness and happiness.
There is an old saying that it is easier to look into you neighbor's backyard then to see what needs to be tended to in yours first. I have been in therapy for a good part of my life and once they get the shi# goggles off they may realize that you have had nothing to do with this at all & that perhaps a chance of therapists may be in order. I hope that this all works our for you, but it sounds like you may look into getting a little direction as well. You sound like a very strong woman for having gone thru all of this, but perhaps to have a professional onboard for family meetings,& such may be more beneficial. All the best to you.
